Author Topic: Clear Conscience before God  (Read 404 times)

jerry

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Clear Conscience before God
« on: August 07, 2020, 01:13:25 AM »
Hello Everyone,

Good Morning!

I am Jerry. I am a boy aged 27. I am a porn addict. I'm a new member of reboot-nation. I joined today in my quest to deal with this addiction. Its really good to know that I am not alone in this struggle and fight. I want to start my reboot journey today and the journal of my experiences. Born in a Christian Family, I attend the Christian Fellowship Church started by a man named Zac Poonen.

I was probably in the 6th or 7th grade, probably 11 or 12 years, when I first watched porn. Back then I did not know it was called porn. Neither did I know the terms, Porn- Masturbation- Orgasm.

If I remember correctly the story of my first masturbation goes like this...

This might have been in the 5th grade at 10 years. I was alone at home, studying school books. My parents had gone out for shopping. I started rubbing myself and it felt good. I increased the speed, and the pleasure increased and after sometime I felt uncontrollable pleasure something white spurted out all over the carpet. I did not know it was called semen or sperm. I was seeing this for the first time. The pleasure subsided, I felt good and satisfied, but I was afraid of how my parents would react, if they knew this. I hurried to clean the mess I created. I did not know, if this was wrong or right. I did not speak about this to any one.

My first incident with porn goes like this. I was in a house for prayer meeting. I was then probably in sixth grade. I loved watching TV. We did not have TV in our house. Towards the end of the Prayer meeting I would slip out of the prayer hall to play as would all the other children. I would go to the second floor of the house where the TV was and would start watching it. There were only close to 10 channels back then in the languages Malayalam and English. One day i noticed that there were 700 channels and out of curiosity, I went from one channel to the next. As I moved from one channel to the next, I stumbled upon few channels with Nudity. I was curious. I did not know till then, that something like this existed. I felt excitement growing in me. I felt in my conscience it was wrong, but then I couldn't stop. I had the fear of getting caught. I would cry to God to forgive me for watching this. But then I would grab any opportunity after that to get alone with the TV. I found then that these channels existed with everyone who had a Satellite dish tv.

Another incident was in our neighbors house. I was again in 6th or 7th grade. This was the time dad had purchased a Pentium PC for us with a CD drive. I had gone to my neighbor, an elderly Tamil man probably in his forties, to borrow a Tamil movie. I loved watching movies. While he stepped away from his computer and moved to another room for something, I found a Power-DVD player was open in minimized state. Out of curiosity, I played it and was shocked, surprised and excited at what I saw. Now I know it in the name Porn. But I have never been able to forget what I saw for few seconds.

Then there were few scenes in movies that I saw like Superman, that I would replay in my mind, which would excite me. Then came internet cafe's in our home town, and I would visit them for information for my school assignments and projects. I would stumble across porn and watch them for few minutes.

I was introduced to Internet pornography in college, and from there it had been start of my journey. Watching them when ever I got the opportunity to now everyday since last 4 to 5 years I have had continuous access to internet in my home.

All the while I had been in a Church which preaches clear conscience before God and against sexual immorality (Standard set by Jesus Christ in the sermon on the mount as, if a man looks at a women lustfully, he has committed adultery with her.

I have heard testimonies of brothers in the Church who have had this battle and overcame. I have tried many times to overcome, but would relapse either in two days or max within a week.

I understood this as a sin which brings grief to God our Father's heart, from a young age probably when I started understanding the Bible. But only few years back I recognized this as an addiction, that needs to be battled or fought against to overcome. I came across https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ few years back (probably in 2015) when I was googling how to overcome or get over this habit. The information scared me. For a long time I convinced myself this was not an addiction.

But now I understand. Thanks to the number of people here who have been posting their daily battles. It is a real relief to know that I am not alone.
« Last Edit: August 07, 2020, 02:53:29 AM by jerry »

SoloB

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Re: Clear Conscience before God
« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2020, 07:25:36 AM »
Thanks jerry this is quite helpful to me..who also has similar struggles. Now I've begun to learn to seek help for God and others. And I sense the hold it has on me is less. I trust God for complete victory, though I have a fear I may relapse

jerry

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Day 1: 8-9-20
« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2020, 10:42:30 AM »
No PMO Yesterday.

Had a great day. Was busy most of the day at work. Had been careful to avoid Youtube and Facebook. I think most of what you get to see on YouTube and Facebook these days is really suggestive.

Spoke to a friend the day before who has not been into PMO for many month now. He suggested to avoid anything that might be a cause. He said it is purely Grace that is helping him and said that most of the time he has failed is when he was really puffed up.

He quoted few verses from the Bible which he mentioned as a two sided approach to living a life of constant victory in this area.

1) Flee the evil desires of the youth. 2 Timothy 2:22 (Doing everything possible to not indulge in a sinful/God dishonoring activity.)
2) God gives Grace to the humble. James 4:6-7 (Being constantly in a state of humility, which is the condition for receiving any amount of strength/grace from God.)


« Last Edit: August 09, 2020, 11:30:40 AM by jerry »

jerry

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Day 2 and 3: Aug 9 and 10
« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2020, 03:13:28 AM »
No PMO

Was super busy at work. Was careful not to use FB and YouTube. Did feel a small urge to watch P towards the end of day 3. But God's grace/ strength was enabling.

Learnt that I do not need to ask for grace, rather needs to humble myself in all situations and I will receive grace in abundance, because the principle is God gives grace to the humble.

Reading the portions of the book Sex, Love and Marriage by Zac Poonen again was much helpful in thinking straight. I am sharing below the link to the book. Maybe it might help some of you as well, the way it helped me.

Book Link: https://www.cfcindia.com/books/sex-love-marriage


jerry

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Re: Clear Conscience before God
« Reply #4 on: August 14, 2020, 12:22:14 AM »
Day 4- Aug 11

 No PMO