Author Topic: Hard Mode Journal/Intro  (Read 113 times)


  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 2
    • View Profile
Hard Mode Journal/Intro
« on: August 02, 2020, 11:28:31 AM »
Hi everyone, it takes a lot of courage to join this community and share experiences, so everyone should be proud of themselves for that. It's encouraging to see a forum of support for this type of addiction. I will try to track my progress and share my experience so it may help others.

My turn around was inspired by therapy. I practiced mindfulness to examine my behaviors and found that daily P usage was consuming my lifestyle and damaging my mental and physical health. PMO was just "something I did every day" and one alarm was feeling emotionally empty and physically uncomfortable after PMO. The other factors - thinking about all the time PMO has taken from me, how it mutated my sexual interests, disrupted my own ability to interpret/share my emotions which caused relationships to fail. I felt and still feel disgusted with myself, but I know I am not that person anymore. Our mistakes do not define who we are.

Progress Status: 10+ year P user, almost 30 day hard mode checkpoint
Current physical struggles: terrible insomnia (exhausted), headaches, no appetite
Current mental struggles:(due to insomnia) severe depression, anxiety, self-doubt, self-loathing. I can't recall exact checkpoints along the way because of insomnia, so that is something for me to explore. From what I've read on the forum it seems that insomnia is a common experience along the way, which is helpful to know, especially when every other night is sleepless. I am not tempted to give in to PMO as a remedy for insomnia. I'm telling myself that this is a challenge on the road to recovery. This entry is the best I can do under the circumstances.

Any feedback is welcome. Believe in yourself and believe in therapy. We are not alone in this. thank you.

Some Strategies:
- no alcohol or recreational drugs
- no social media apps or dating apps
- no fast food
- no screen time after 9pm

+ meditate every morning and walk outside
+ eat healthy
+ make time for silence (unplug)
+ read for fun
+ read about acceptance and commitment therapy
+ talk and spend time with friends and family

Peaceful Healing

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 2
    • View Profile
Re: Hard Mode Journal/Intro
« Reply #1 on: August 02, 2020, 10:49:00 PM »
As a partner of someone who has recently entered recovery-I find myself scanning these forums for positive progress or success stories....a lot.
I really admire your approach. Its self directed and mindful. Both extremely important.
Looking forward to following your story!!


  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 450
    • View Profile
    • My topic
Re: Hard Mode Journal/Intro
« Reply #2 on: August 03, 2020, 03:28:20 PM »
Hey PowerUp,

Welcome to the forum. Glad to see that you've taken a major step towards beating your addiction.
You've already taken some great steps and decisions in cutting things from, and adding things to your life.

I hope to read more of you on here to see your progress. Tip; also read other peoples threads to learn that you're not alone and to get some tips and tricks.

Good luck and stay safe
Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority


  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 2
    • View Profile
Re: Hard Mode Journal/Intro
« Reply #3 on: Today at 01:53:36 PM »
Thank you Shade and Peaceful Healing.

Update: end of streak ("Dry July").

Hi everyone, I'm checking in today because my streak has ended. I gave in to PMO after 36 days. I'm going to share what happened and how I will move forward.

36 Days! My longest streak ever is a major accomplishment for me. Although I "gave in" today, I'm proud of myself for the discipline, focus and awareness that I've demonstrated over the past month. I never told myself that I would quit masturbation or give up porn forever. My goal was to push myself as far as I could go without PMO consuming my time and lifestyle.

How it happened:
Over the past few days I noticed increased cravings for PMO. Last night I fed the craving by taking a few minutes to look at porn, which of course lead to edging. I did this for a few minutes and then caught myself. I then closed all tabs and switched over to Fight the New Drug to read some success stories about giving up porn. However, I gave in to the craving again this morning with more porn and edging for a few minutes. I caught myself again and closed up all tabs so I could start my day. After my morning walk and meditation I jumped in the shower and that's where edging got the best of me, using my imagination.

Seeing porn again made me realize a few things:
1. This [tube] is a playground for the imagination - Literally anything and everything you can think up is searchable and that search is truly endless because of the amount of content.
2. The imagination is never satisfied - Porn is a drug for the brain.
3. Corrupted fantasies - Your idea of what you like is quickly manipulated by watching other people perform. You watch these performers do and say things that distort your personal ideas and values about intimacy. You can only go further down the tube to more twisted content.

These ideas above are my own and they help "wake me up" when I'm feeling tempted.

+ I learned that edging and even a little glance at porn is enough to end a streak.
+ I used my imagination instead of porn to complete the act. This is the ideal scenario.
+ If I PMO even once a month that is a lot of progress.
+ I lasted over 30 days without PMO!

- Vulnerable to negative thoughts/feelings
- Slight sense of disappointment, but not nearly as devastating as frequent PMO remorse

Going forward:
I've learned a lot about myself over the past 30 days. I've reflected upon my thoughts/feelings/attitudes/behaviors and struggled with unbearable shame and disgust, insomnia, and feeling like I betrayed myself for years by using PMO to avoid experiences/responsibilities/emotions. This is growth and this is personal development. Old habits die hard. Changing your perspective and creating distance between your present self and that addicted person you once were can be incredibly difficult tasks. Going forward I want to be more conscious of my PMO habits that I know can lead to a setback. Resetting the clock has its advantages too! It allows us to become more mindful as we track our progress. We can steer ourselves away from known triggers and stimuli. We can manage our time to be more productive. We can make a plan.

You've heard it before and it's always worth repeating - don't kick yourself while you're down. You are here reading this because you have an internal struggle that has caused suffering. If you punish yourself with negative thoughts you will defeat yourself. Counteract negativity with actionable plans, interacting with friends, talking with a therapist, and using motivational content.

This is day 0 and it's a new beginning. I hope you feel powered up too!