Healing Myself

Little info about me

I am 28 years old.  Started masturbating heavily like 11 years ago and got ED extremely fast (In many ways I used to have "addictive personality" and I never really tried anything; as soon as I discovered masturbation and porn I was masturbating 4 times days and even when my whole body was saying no I would still stimulate myself with my hand and force orgasm... :'(  :'(  )
So it has been really bad and I felt like I couldn't stop. For me not masturbating in a single day felt like something impossible to do. The worst part was the no hope thing, there was no one to share my problems with and no real help because everywhere you look there was this bullshit how great masturbation and porn is, yet here I was broken and depressed.

Hope
For me discovering yourbrainonporn and reading guys stories was great. I finally get answers what happened and why it happened. Here there were guys like me who got to the point where they could have successful sex again after years of isolation and loneliness. For me it was the one single thing I needed to started changing my life-hope that I can recover.

Reboot

I have started my reboot since January this year. I went cold turkey because " neurons that wire together fire together" and for me porn and masturbation were heavily linked to each other. I never really just watched porn i would always wank. Plus after briefly looking at stories it become clear that when you have ED it is like the only way to get better.
Then the story of "the most stupid relapses in the history of recovery" happens.
On February after around 30 days of no porn no masturbation I tested myself. Fuck I knew that I have ED and severe ED but part of me desperately didn't want t admit it. I read on yourbrainonporn that "if you can get it up to the fantasy alone you don't have a porn induce ED" and after several minutes of stimulation I orgasmed to my touch....Chaser effect followed soon after and had like 3 days streak when I would masturbate daily. Tell me about relapsing in a most retarded way...
Fast forward to 1 April. Felt the best in my life after almost 2 months of no mastrubation no porn. Felt great and had awesome desire to meet girls and have fun. First time in my life I would french kiss girls (2 girls to be exact  8) ) was having tons of rewiring and felt great. I wasn't fully erect but there was some movement down there like 50-60% erect most of the time so took the girl I felt something to to my apartment hoping to take the most important move and try to have sex. Huge mistake after so many years of heavily masturbating it was naive to think that I am healed. That's when the drama starts we were kissing then I would lick her pussy and fingering her (which she seemed to enjoyed) but my dick become dead. Zero arousal, limp dick. She tried to help me but nothing helped i am to desensitized to oral sex and it didn't made me aroused at all. Same for hand stimulation. End up relapsing when I desperately tried to get it up with my hand. I wasn't even fully erect except like 2 sec before I ejaculated... So full disaster again and another relapse in a silly way.

Nowadays
Well till my april relapse most of the time I felt really good. I wasn't really flatlining had like fairly big dick all the time no morning wood but there was aliveness there so i was like 40-50% erect couple of times per day sometimes. Unfortunately it is no longer the case. The last relapse hit me hard. Got instantly depressed, my dick shrinked and it feels dead. Guess now I know what the flatline term means now. Feel terrible lately especially given how badly it ended. So for now I am kinds stuck till the flatline fade away. Wish I didn't orgasm because the last 3 months or so were like the best in my entire life given how much energy I used to have and how energized and producitve I was. Now it is gone. hopefully not forever.

Moving forward
Feel kinda stuck and don't really now how to move forward. I guess will try to do the full no orgasm reboot at least 120 days and will just do some basic rewiring with girls. I am kinda affraid of trying to have sex again after last disaster.Just need to get my confidence back so have to wait for the flatline to end because now I don't have even a courage to look girls in the eyes.
Till then I will try to get  myself in a better shape and become somewhat productive. If after next 120 days of no orgasm I will still not be able to get it up will just go to doctor take some ED pills. I read that they don't work at the beggining but after some time guys were able to use. hopefully something will work. Until then I need to stick to my plan.

I will be gratefull for advices from you guys how to improve sensivity and what helped you the most during rewire so maybe I will create better plan how to improve.

Your story is heartbreaking.
Don't lose hope and keep fighting!
The 120 day goal seems like the right approach.
Best wishes to you!

It has been like 10 days since the relapse and I feel like shit. I mean it got really really bad. I handle the urges really well and the porn/masturbation thoughts fade away for the most part. Now my biggest problems are my energy level and lack of sleep which correlate strongly with each other. I use fitbit etc. to measure quality of my sleep and it is bad. Additionally because of that I feel tired most of the time usually need to take additional 2 hours nap during the day so I spend like 10-11 hours/day trying to get some sleep (unfortunately overall I get like 6 hours max of good quality sleep the rest is spent just trying to sleep).
It made me think about masturbating just to finally rest, damn.

Lately been thinking a lot about my life. Feel really alone with all of this mostly because I am extremely successful, travel around the world, have extremely successful friends and feel like I had 2 personalities the high achiever me and the ashamed broken me and only the 2nd one is real. I am worried to talk with my friends about it. It feel that if I tried to talk with them about my problems they wouldn't understand me.

Some of you probably think "WTF that doesn't make any sense" the reality is that that it does. I remember reading John Bradshaw book about shame where he explained it really well that straight A-student and F-student have a lot in common just their strategy to cope with trauma/problems are different(one try to become more than human,hence perfectionism, high achieving desire, the other feel less than human and withdraw from life trying just to hide).  I had extremely traumatic childhood which left me feeling that I am unworthy and the worst human being in the world  and I would self-hate myself. Deeply inside I felt that that I need to become someone in order to stop being me because no one likes the real me and no one will like or love me if I stay being me. I spend years being afraid that someday people will find out that I am just pretending and that I am just failure and broken mechanism not worth to bother.

So basically it feels like all of my life I was just pretending, to cover the real broken,ashamed me and I have been really good at this (like with everything I guess).
It feels like there was the dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in me and in the end I am none of them. Sometimes I don't even know who I really am. It felt like I was just playing my role.


All of my life all I really wanted to be understood but I never get any opportunity because I felt that I never met anyone who would understand. In reality I hide the real me from the world and the people due to being afraid that no one will like me/want me if I will be just me.
So here I am without sugar coating.

Hey I hear you.
In regards to your newfound insomnia, I can't agree with you more.
Only swear words can describe the sleepless nights filled with beastly urges.

You said you divided yourself into "higher-achieving you" and "ashamed broken you".
Why don't you feel that the 1st one is real?
I mean, I kinda do that too,
where I imagine a higher me who is the most strong, handsome, intelligent and successful version of myself
and I imagine each time I achieve a goal I strive for, The higher me would give me an approving nod from a distance,
then I take one more step towards this higher me,
and the closer I get to this me, I become the same person as this me.

Anyways, my point is, why aren't you the higher you?
You must have achieved great things in order to stand where you are now right?
Or it could be that you are more ambitious and not satisfied with your current life
so you still crave for more success?
If your answer touches on the trauma that you mentioned,
you don't have to reveal it to me man. Do what's comfortable for you.

VforVictory said:

You said you divided yourself into "higher-achieving you" and "ashamed broken you".
Why don't you feel that the 1st one is real?
I mean, I kinda do that too,
where I imagine a higher me who is the most strong, handsome, intelligent and successful version of myself
and I imagine each time I achieve a goal I strive for, The higher me would give me an approving nod from a distance,
then I take one more step towards this higher me,
and the closer I get to this me, I become the same person as this me.

Anyways, my point is, why aren't you the higher you?
You must have achieved great things in order to stand where you are now right?
Or it could be that you are more ambitious and not satisfied with your current life
so you still crave for more success?
If your answer touches on the trauma that you mentioned,
you don't have to reveal it to me man. Do what's comfortable for you.

Click to expand...

Hi, It took me a while to come back cause I have been busy working . Anyway to answer your questions: In many ways I was bullied to become successful by my parents (especially by my mother). I would be constantly berated and ashamed unless I was successful. In many ways the bonding relationship with our parents is the most important one because it shape us for our life and the only way I could be worth anything in my retarded parents eyes if I was successful. So I was and still am.
In many ways I failed to integrate the traumatic events from my childhood into my sense of who I am so it left me in a split like there were 2. people instead of one. None of which is real but in many ways it feels like I can't be the successful high achiever and the broken/ashamed guy at the same time. Just in many ways It feels like the high-achiever is not real like I was playing a role that people expect me to play and the broken me at least feels real on an emotional level so it hurts but at least I don't think then that I am pretending to be someone who I am not.
I have spent years denying the childhood trauma from my past but it turned out that in order to heal I have to go back to that past experience and just heal it (grieving about it).
Can't really explain it better. There is famous Swiss psychology professor Alice Miller she wrote several books about it (e.g. the most famous "The drama of the gifted child" and the other one: "For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence" )



2 weeks after last relapse I am still flatlining like crazy. It seems that it pushed me heavily into flatline and it feels like I have been  losing my sanity. I am still going strong, no porn, no masturbation just  I feel bad every fucking day. There aren't any good days just bad and terrible ones. I can't sleep well, I am constantly tired then there are craving so my balls hurt and my dick to so I feel heavy cravings there which wouldn't be that bad if not that my dick is completely limp.
I really hope that the 120 days I want to do now will help because if not I will take Ed drugs/whatever it takes to fuck and to get rid off  the pressure.

Healingshame said:

VforVictory said:

You said you divided yourself into "higher-achieving you" and "ashamed broken you".
Why don't you feel that the 1st one is real?
I mean, I kinda do that too,
where I imagine a higher me who is the most strong, handsome, intelligent and successful version of myself
and I imagine each time I achieve a goal I strive for, The higher me would give me an approving nod from a distance,
then I take one more step towards this higher me,
and the closer I get to this me, I become the same person as this me.

Anyways, my point is, why aren't you the higher you?
You must have achieved great things in order to stand where you are now right?
Or it could be that you are more ambitious and not satisfied with your current life
so you still crave for more success?
If your answer touches on the trauma that you mentioned,
you don't have to reveal it to me man. Do what's comfortable for you.

Click to expand...

Hi, It took me a while to come back cause I have been busy working . Anyway to answer your questions: In many ways I was bullied to become successful by my parents (especially by my mother). I would be constantly berated and ashamed unless I was successful. In many ways the bonding relationship with our parents is the most important one because it shape us for our life and the only way I could be worth anything in my retarded parents eyes if I was successful. So I was and still am.
In many ways I failed to integrate the traumatic events from my childhood into my sense of who I am so it left me in a split like there were 2. people instead of one. None of which is real but in many ways it feels like I can't be the successful high achiever and the broken/ashamed guy at the same time. Just in many ways It feels like the high-achiever is not real like I was playing a role that people expect me to play and the broken me at least feels real on an emotional level so it hurts but at least I don't think then that I am pretending to be someone who I am not.
I have spent years denying the childhood trauma from my past but it turned out that in order to heal I have to go back to that past experience and just heal it (grieving about it).
Can't really explain it better. There is famous Swiss psychology professor Alice Miller she wrote several books about it (e.g. the most famous "The drama of the gifted child" and the other one: "For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence" )



2 weeks after last relapse I am still flatlining like crazy. It seems that it pushed me heavily into flatline and it feels like I have been  losing my sanity. I am still going strong, no porn, no masturbation just  I feel bad every fucking day. There aren't any good days just bad and terrible ones. I can't sleep well, I am constantly tired then there are craving so my balls hurt and my dick to so I feel heavy cravings there which wouldn't be that bad if not that my dick is completely limp.
I really hope that the 120 days I want to do now will help because if not I will take Ed drugs/whatever it takes to fuck and to get rid off  the pressure.

Click to expand...

Yo man. I orgasm a mere 4 times since I started dis reboot, and I've felt the same way since as if I was going insane.  Can't sleep properly, always depressed, have no feeling for life. But we have to stay strong bro. Let's just don't touch our penises for as long as possible. And keep in your mind that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have a problem with sensitivity . And that's what is bothering me at the moment . I'm goin to the urologist tomorrow to rule out any abnormal things about my body to have a peace of mind. Something I should of done from the beginning . Stay strong bro

It's been a while since I last posted so will post an update now. Still going strong it has been a month or so since I last masturbated. Overall it has been 4 months since I started my reboot(with one big and one small relapse).
Lately have seen a huge progress. It is easy to get an erection to thoughts my penis is really sensitive to touch (and I don't mean stroking, little touch and I have a boner). Just it fades away really fast. What makes me happy is that my sleep quality sky rocketed. I sleep like a baby probably never had such a consistent sleep.

Feel kinda lost cause It is tempting to get myself ED drugs because they might work at this stage of my reboot process and start to have sex. On the other I am scared like shit about flatlining again. I mean if someone gave me the option to have the energy and life quality I have now and no sex I would take it (It is soooo much better comparing to my porn/masturbation times).
Overall I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

One thing I need to stop is to read forums like here or yourbrainrebalanced because all the data I need I have on ybop thanks to work of Gary Wilson and reading forums and the "I relapsed only 100x times this year why I see no progress yet?" kinda of post is counterproductive. Especially that I always expect the worst case scenario and reading threads like 2 years of reboot and no progress (where the guy of course have been relapsing like crazy) makes me scared as hell and the last think I want is developing performance anxiety adding to my ED problems.

I will be healed sooner or later but I know that I will get there. No need to rush.

Believe me man... I totally get you on the mother issue thing... That's exactly how my relationship with my mother was until both my parents left me with my grandmother 12 years ago... I have never linked these two things together but I guess that my PMO addiction started right after that happened. You've got to get over that pressure and re-evaluate yourself... There is no true self... You just are who you are, with good aspects and bad ones. People can accept you or not, but you've got to understand that and deal with it.
You should really try to do some therapy for the mother issues and your self image, might help you a lot, not just about the PMO. I guess that PMO is just the tip of the iceberg or the last straw that triggers the ED. But in fact there's a number of factors that lead to this problem... Like a very poor self-image, issues regarding the relationship with your mother and your self-worth, the way you see yourself.
Be positive man, and optimistic, stop caring so much about what other people think about you and reconsider yourself! You're a human being that can overcome any problem in it's path. Especially PMO...
You go boy and show the world what you can do!

noises1990 said:

Believe me man... I totally get you on the mother issue thing... That's exactly how my relationship with my mother was until both my parents left me with my grandmother 12 years ago... I have never linked these two things together but I guess that my PMO addiction started right after that happened. You've got to get over that pressure and re-evaluate yourself... There is no true self... You just are who you are, with good aspects and bad ones. People can accept you or not, but you've got to understand that and deal with it.
You should really try to do some therapy for the mother issues and your self image, might help you a lot, not just about the PMO. I guess that PMO is just the tip of the iceberg or the last straw that triggers the ED. But in fact there's a number of factors that lead to this problem... Like a very poor self-image, issues regarding the relationship with your mother and your self-worth, the way you see yourself.
Be positive man, and optimistic, stop caring so much about what other people think about you and reconsider yourself! You're a human being that can overcome any problem in it's path. Especially PMO...
You go boy and show the world what you can do!

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Hi Sorry for late response but I haven't been really active here mainly because nothing is really happening. I do have psychoterapist and getting help isn't really an issue with my income because  probably can afford anyone. Probably one of the reasons why I made a progress in a first place.... So it does get better and I improved with most of the issues I have.
The Porn/ED-addiction is the worst one. I mean people here underestimate how strong it is. For me getting off many drugs was easier....

Anyway still going strong reboot wise. However last 2 days were really tough. Suddenly the cravings for porn and masturbation were so strong that it was almost insane and I was 2 clicks from relapsing... I didn't expect something like that to happen at this stage of the reboot so was caught of guard.

Still  try to keep with my plan. should have some rewiring next month and will proceed from there.

Again it is been a while since my last post. Overall progressing but still long way to go. Do my best to rewire and keep doing it tho still far from being healed.
Was able to get an erection with a girl although I lost it like couple of times during our intercourse. Standard sex is still impossible for me, my erection was strong enough to penetrate (after she BJ me because without it I was limp) but it went away within 2minutes or so (she was on top of me). Not a nice experience but still better than the last time when I was  completely limp. Frustrating that I can't maintain an erection without constant stimulation  :'(
Lost It like 3 times which frustrated both  of us. Finally she was able to BJ me and I O'ed which has been my first O from the last time so like 70+ days and overall 2nd O in 140 days?? Fortunately doesn't seem that I flatlined after yesterday O'ing which is good. Will slowly start to rewire again and focus on that(every 2 weeks or so )

Long way to go but I am progressing for sure.  One nice thing is that I am easily able to avoid O'ing and built 60+ days streaks. However given that I don't feel craving anymore will focus on rewiring for next 2 months or so. If it doesn't help I will either try ED drugs or go hard mode for next 120 days or so without O'ing and see how it goes.

Feel terribly lately. It has been like 6 months + of my reboot. Masurbation and porn are things from the past I don't even have cravings for it. Just I still can't get it up for normal sex.
I will O from oral sex but my dick will get really hard only at the end of it, I can do it even with a condom on it and overall my sensations improved a lot given that I don't touch my dick at all (literally 0 unless taking shower). Imagine having amazing sex with amazing funny girl when you are extremely horny but down there there is nothing,limp dick... Weird thing is that I was able to get it up at the begining of the foreplay and it lasted for like couple of minutes but then it would be gone,limp dick and no matter how much more we did the foreplay it didn't change.

So for now situation looks like I have sex attempts every week/2weeks or so where I try to rewire a lot. Thanks to 3months rewiring I crave for the real thing and real girls but I am horny without horn and it is extremely frustrating. :-[  :'(  :'(

And it isn't even about it all that much but seeing sadnest in the girl eyes when she thinks she isn't good enough for me broke my heart every time.

Feel lost and not really sure about what to do next. Probably could easily go for 6 months without porn/masturbation and 0'ing from sex but not really sure whether It will help me given that I have no cravings. I can also seek for doctor and try cialis and see whether it wil work or not.

I mean I understand the process and that changes can only happen one step at the time but how  I am suppose to teach my dick what does the pussy feels like if I can't even get it up long enough to penetrate...

I failed again,this time really terribly. Feel like lost hope. I have been rebooting/rewiring for 7 months now. Clean reboot, no relapses. Today I tried again having sex and end up with a disaster. Not only I felt nothing at all during the penetration I additionally hurt my penis really badly not to mention that the penetration lasted maybe for a minute. I love the girl ,have a crush for her, have even spontaneus erection when kissing her yet it is nothing. I feel nothing during penetration, I would even say that i feel  more before penetrating. Almost feel like my dick has been cut when I am inside...........
Sometimes I wish I never started the reboot. I mean seeing your loved one going further and further away from you and being aware that you can't keep her because you are sexually disfuncional is just unberable. I mean untill I started rewiring I didn't know how much I lost and what I missed now I am fully aware and it hurts and hurts a lot.

I mean I can go with no masturbation no porn indefinitely I have 0 cravings anymore and even given how badly I feel I am not even considering PMO. When you know how much you lost due to PMO it is not an option anymore.

I mean I knew from the day one that I will need hell of a reboot and do it for a long time and fuck it I could reboot/rewire for years if I have to. The problem is that I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel anymore,just darkness.

Today was both the worst and the best day of my life at the same time.
So I tried again in the morning and failed miserably even after using viagra and felt just terribly like my world was collapsing. Started to cry next to my girl thinking that I won't be ever healed, will never have a family and it is pointless.
Checked doctors and wanted to go tommorow again to urologist looking for surgery if possible and was looking for most extreme solutions just to do something ,anything.
My girl never saw me being at this state where I was like it is over, end of the road I am damaged beyond repair.
Then we started to kiss and.... I got the boner. I sad to her that I want to try she asked whether I am sure but I said that well what I have to lost anyway. So we did  and we made it and then 2 hours later we did it again  ;D  ;D You can't imagine what a rollercoater and what a relief it was.
By no means I am healed I lasted maybe like 3 minutes and had to fuck her really hard to maintain an erection and still was pobably like 80% max hard while doing it(where I doubt it was nice for her) but still thats progress I thought is impossible to achieve.
Nonetheless in 7 months I went from having lifeless dick to the point where I get boners from kissing the girl and where I am able to have sex with her (altough it is still very limited and not great both for me and for her).
I mean I am far from healed and the progress is really slow  yet it is possible and I am more confident that I will be healed sooner or later.
Yesterday I was a virgin with 11 years of fucked up addiction and today it is a new beggining. I was so addicted that I remember that like 3 moths into reboot I had a wet dream where I would dream about myself masturbating to porn (fortunately I woke up before I O'ed back then).

Will try to wrote my thoughts in success stories but have the last 2 days with my gf now and won't see with her for a while because need to travel so I hope you guys understand 
GL and see you soon to on the brighter side of the life. Take care.

It sounds a bit weird but I want to congratulate you. You can be proud of yourself.
Look what you have done: You left porn behind, you changed. What an effort!

And even if things aren't the way you want them to be yet, you are on the right way.
Reaching and pursuing goals is never a linear thing. It's a bumpy curvy way.

Good luck and all the best for you and your girl in the future

Healingshame said:

Hey John been reading your blog for a while because your situation is very simmilar to mine. So I wish you GL and I hope that you will stay on track because I see very few people starting in our condition that keep fighting.

Anyway have blog on rebootnation.org so If you want take a look and say hi so here it is : http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=188.msg12571#msg12571

Best of Luck

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Hi Healingshame,

Good to know there are others who share similar challenges! You are doing very well! Being able to have sex, even if not perfect, is a major step forward. I find your journal very inspiring. One of the challenges guys like us who had very little experience face is having difficulty dating and finding a rewiring partners while suffering all the problems of the reboot. You seem to doing very well in finding partners! Having someone to attempt sex with every 1 or 2 weeks is fantastic! I'm sure you will get over this ED problem relatively soon.

john683 said:

Healingshame said:

Hey John been reading your blog for a while because your situation is very simmilar to mine. So I wish you GL and I hope that you will stay on track because I see very few people starting in our condition that keep fighting.

Anyway have blog on rebootnation.org so If you want take a look and say hi so here it is : http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=188.msg12571#msg12571

Best of Luck

Click to expand...

Hi Healingshame,

Good to know there are others who share similar challenges! You are doing very well! Being able to have sex, even if not perfect, is a major step forward. I find your journal very inspiring. One of the challenges guys like us who had very little experience face is having difficulty dating and finding a rewiring partners while suffering all the problems of the reboot. You seem to doing very well in finding partners! Having someone to attempt sex with every 1 or 2 weeks is fantastic! I'm sure you will get over this ED problem relatively soon.

Click to expand...

Unfortunately here is the problem because I had to leave due to work and we won't see with each other for like couple of months. So that will be a huge obstacle and the situation is quite complicated (she has family issues and there is a possibility she will be force to come back and take care of her sick mom). We talk every day but whether I will stay with each other is hard to guess.  I would still stay if she aksed me but she did not and I know that it is difficult her too. She has a trust issues when it goes to men and there is the elephant in the room which is my ED...

Hi Healingshame,

During your reboot / rewire process, did you have to deal with not only ED but no libido? If so, how do you go on dates / rewire with a gf during this time? I've been going on many dates, but because I have no libido I'm not sure how to behave if a relationship gets to the more intimate stage. Thanks!

john683 said:

Hi Healingshame,

During your reboot / rewire process, did you have to deal with not only ED but no libido? If so, how do you go on dates / rewire with a gf during this time? I've been going on many dates, but because I have no libido I'm not sure how to behave if a relationship gets to the more intimate stage. Thanks!

Click to expand...

Well It really depends. I have been in pretty clean reboot for like 7+months. The libido and ability to connect with a girl started to show up after like 5 months or so?? So it has been hell of fight. First couple of months I felt nothing was more like pushing myself to date and then would have lifeless dick all the time (and I mean 0 erection,limp dick).
So hard to say now but first 4 months I was completely no go and I think I destroyed quite a bit progress being to impatient and desperately trying to have sex (I relapsed after first month checking my erection, then after like 3 months during my desperate try to have sex with a girl I would try to manually get it up and I end up pretty much MO'ing same way you mentioned in your blog so I had ED and PE at the same time).
To be honest I think that me dating first like 4 months of reboot was just a mistake and I hurt couple of girls making them feel unatractive etc. and it was tough for me.
Give your self time and break and just don't rush it. I would say wait till a point where you get some life down there to start rewiring.

It was like 4 and a half (maybe 5)months till I could get an erection (althought I failed to stay hard while being in the girl due to death grip).
Now after like 7 months it is like first time I slowly see the progress (e.g. morning wood and libido comming back althought no ability to maintain an erection at all but even thinking about my GF gives me like 60% erection).

So I would say it took me 5+ months to finally start to feel good and after 7 months it is probably first time when O'ing even with a girl doesn't set me back to flatline because in the past I would be lifeless for a long now it took me 3 days or so to be good again.
I think that If I wasn't so desperate in trying to fuck and if I avoided O'ing whatsoever I would be in this place I am now much faster maybe even 4 months hard mode would be ok for me because I can vouch for the theory that during reboot any O will set you back into flatline just some less than others (PMO being the worst given that it feeds your addictive pathway).

So just breathe,relax and have some fun and wait. Desperately trying to have sex will only create a performance anxiety which I assume contribute a lot to my ED where after so many failed attempts I am just worried to even try to have sex and it is not normal even if I was able to have sex for a couple of times.

Don't rush it.

Healingshame said:

Well It really depends. I have been in pretty clean reboot for like 7+months. The libido and ability to connect with a girl started to show up after like 5 months or so?? So it has been hell of fight. First couple of months I felt nothing was more like pushing myself to date and then would have lifeless dick all the time (and I mean 0 erection,limp dick).
So hard to say now but first 4 months I was completely no go and I think I destroyed quite a bit progress being to impatient and desperately trying to have sex (I relapsed after first month checking my erection, then after like 3 months during my desperate try to have sex with a girl I would try to manually get it up and I end up pretty much MO'ing same way you mentioned in your blog so I had ED and PE at the same time).
To be honest I think that me dating first like 4 months of reboot was just a mistake and I hurt couple of girls making them feel unatractive etc. and it was tough for me.
Give your self time and break and just don't rush it. I would say wait till a point where you get some life down there to start rewiring.

It was like 4 and a half (maybe 5)months till I could get an erection (althought I failed to stay hard while being in the girl due to death grip).
Now after like 7 months it is like first time I slowly see the progress (e.g. morning wood and libido comming back althought no ability to maintain an erection at all but even thinking about my GF gives me like 60% erection).

So I would say it took me 5+ months to finally start to feel good and after 7 months it is probably first time when O'ing even with a girl doesn't set me back to flatline because in the past I would be lifeless for a long now it took me 3 days or so to be good again.
I think that If I wasn't so desperate in trying to fuck and if I avoided O'ing whatsoever I would be in this place I am now much faster maybe even 4 months hard mode would be ok for me because I can vouch for the theory that during reboot any O will set you back into flatline just some less than others (PMO being the worst given that it feeds your addictive pathway).

So just breathe,relax and have some fun and wait. Desperately trying to have sex will only create a performance anxiety which I assume contribute a lot to my ED where after so many failed attempts I am just worried to even try to have sex and it is not normal even if I was able to have sex for a couple of times.

Don't rush it.

Click to expand...

Thanks! This is excellent information. I'm only at about 2 months so maybe some more time will help with libido. My experience also seems to show that any O right now seems to be a flatline setback, including with a girl, and maybe even including wet dreams. At least I've had 2 wet dreams within the last few weeks, and the second one seem to put me in flatline much more than the first.

john683 said:

Healingshame said:

Well It really depends. I have been in pretty clean reboot for like 7+months. The libido and ability to connect with a girl started to show up after like 5 months or so?? So it has been hell of fight. First couple of months I felt nothing was more like pushing myself to date and then would have lifeless dick all the time (and I mean 0 erection,limp dick).
So hard to say now but first 4 months I was completely no go and I think I destroyed quite a bit progress being to impatient and desperately trying to have sex (I relapsed after first month checking my erection, then after like 3 months during my desperate try to have sex with a girl I would try to manually get it up and I end up pretty much MO'ing same way you mentioned in your blog so I had ED and PE at the same time).
To be honest I think that me dating first like 4 months of reboot was just a mistake and I hurt couple of girls making them feel unatractive etc. and it was tough for me.
Give your self time and break and just don't rush it. I would say wait till a point where you get some life down there to start rewiring.

It was like 4 and a half (maybe 5)months till I could get an erection (althought I failed to stay hard while being in the girl due to death grip).
Now after like 7 months it is like first time I slowly see the progress (e.g. morning wood and libido comming back althought no ability to maintain an erection at all but even thinking about my GF gives me like 60% erection).

So I would say it took me 5+ months to finally start to feel good and after 7 months it is probably first time when O'ing even with a girl doesn't set me back to flatline because in the past I would be lifeless for a long now it took me 3 days or so to be good again.
I think that If I wasn't so desperate in trying to fuck and if I avoided O'ing whatsoever I would be in this place I am now much faster maybe even 4 months hard mode would be ok for me because I can vouch for the theory that during reboot any O will set you back into flatline just some less than others (PMO being the worst given that it feeds your addictive pathway).

So just breathe,relax and have some fun and wait. Desperately trying to have sex will only create a performance anxiety which I assume contribute a lot to my ED where after so many failed attempts I am just worried to even try to have sex and it is not normal even if I was able to have sex for a couple of times.

Don't rush it.

Click to expand...

Thanks! This is excellent information. I'm only at about 2 months so maybe some more time will help with libido. My experience also seems to show that any O right now seems to be a flatline setback, including with a girl, and maybe even including wet dreams. At least I've had 2 wet dreams within the last few weeks, and the second one seem to put me in flatline much more than the first.

Click to expand...

One thing that I would like to add is that you need to take my advice with a grain of salt. The reason is that we never are aware of our experience especially when it goes to our addiction because it has a lot to do with our reptilion brain.
Basically Healing from MO/PMO isn't conscious process so basically I am making educated guess about what worked and what did not. So my guess about hard mode is mostly based on other stories where they would be severly addicted with years of ED and the hard mode helped them immensely.
So I can't really be sure about the cause and effect relation in this case. I mean I always felt badly after O'ing and it would put me into flatline but at the same time I would never learn to crave the real thing if I didn't rewire. However I remember me being so addicted that at the end of the March where I was after like 60 days hard mode I had a wet dream of fapping on my chair :-\ :'( Fortunately I woke up before ejaculation but it was scary as shit like I was addicted that for me sex would be fapping and the only way of relase my brain would understand  :-\
Thats no longer the case after the rewire process so while I am still long way to go my brain pathways are already much better. I mean I don't crave MO'ing anymore I crave sex.
So while I might feel that rewiring with O'ing was bad because It would put me into a flatline I have no data how it would be if I did not and just went hard mode.

I mean saw a blog of a guy in simmilar position to  ours (MustangBoss or so on ybr??) and he keeps going crazy amount of time hard mode and then relapse over and over again to fapping and then he starts the process again.
My guess is that's because his brain is like mine at the beggning of the reboot where the way to relase is by fapping and as soon as his libido spikes after extended nofap/flatline he collapse and is back fapping because thats all what his brain knows.

So ideally If I was to try again I would rewire without O'ing.
BTW have you tried body to body massage?? It is a massage done by usually hot chick (in most places you can choose the girl) with her naked body on your naked body. Should be nice experience. I mean some pleaces like that offer also "happy ending" but you can just say that you want just massage.

It should help you  teaching your body to be touched by someone else than yourself. 
Plus it is massage so it is relaxing.