Author Topic: My way to be a better man starts here  (Read 413 times)

kierv

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My way to be a better man starts here
« on: June 26, 2020, 01:27:54 PM »
Hello,

This will be long, but I want to intruduce myself the best I can :)

I am a 28 years old male from Poland who wants to give up porn completely. I believe I am addicted to porn or at least it's my inner feeling that this is how it all should be assessed. I started watching porn many years go, so I don't really remember the exact date. I guess I was 12 or 13 and high-speed Internet porn was my first (since then the best and only) source of such an extreme content. I can say that porn became a vital part of my daily routine. I watch porn, let's say, 5 days a week. Usually, do not sacrifice more than 15-20 minutes daily, but this unhealthy habit is steady. I believe that porn doesn't affect my practical side of life - it's not compulsive and I can work, I can learn; porn never wins over a meeting with friends or some other activities. It's not the top priority thing. Very rarely I need to fap more than once a day (it happens only when I'm really horny or there is nothing else to do, literally nothing). However, I know it mutilates my mind, my spirit. It's a habit, so sometimes if I'm sad or nervous I turn to porn and use it as a great (superficial) antidepressant. It is supposed to work as a pill of relax. And it does, temporarily.

In addition, my situation is worsened by the fact that due to miserable childhood, social alienation and problems with choleric father I need to use the help of therapist to go out of the woods. However, even before I started my therapy, I had been able to overcome many of my past traumas. I became a friendly and popular person with lots of new friends, defeated my obesity, started PhD programme and achieved some tangible results in this field etc. This is a different story, but it makes me think that I can face up to porn addiction as well. I changed a lot during last 5-6 years ago, but some sad reminiscences of my old life are still deep inside my mind and need to be healed. All I want to stress here is that my therapy is not connected to the porn addiction. It touches different areas, because despite the noticeable progress with my life I still feel that I don't deserve to be loved and my self-esteem is very low.

On the surface, I'm an intelligent and hadsome guy with a great sense of humor. And I dare to write this, because this is why I'm perceived (honestly it just makes me more sad when I realize that other people appreciate my company, but despite that I cannot accept myself - so illogical!). Girls like me and sometimes I receive more or less direct examples of their emotions and feelings towards me. Due to my hidden insecurity I rarely read these signs properly or ignore them as I don't know what to do with them. And still, I feel exctitement and desire for some of these girls and ultimately I'm looking for a partner. This is my aim, obviously. Be self-confident and happy with relation. But this is where porn is probably involved... I'm sure that most people who know me would be shocked If I told them that I never slept with a girl, but that's true. I don't want to dwell on this issue as it has much to do with my past traumas, but I can tell you than even when I was finally with a girl I noticed that I could't get erection (it always ended with kissing and oral sex performed by me). I could excuse myself and say that when I had a close contact with this particular girl we were always heavily drinking and I was simply stressed because I had never had sex, but my porn addiction must be a factor here. I know that, even if it's not the only source of my problems.

My relation with that girl has ended (and then I started my therapy). The break-up had nothing to do with my sex problems, more with the fact she had her own traumas and unresolved issues from her past. All in all, I cannot forgive myself I couldn't have sex with such a beautiful woman. It gave me an incentive to change something, to be even more self-concious. Fighting with porn addiction is one of the elements in this puzzle. I cannot precisely write to what extent I have problems with ED, PE od DE. I don't know that and there is not enough experience to be sure. My penis works with porn, that's obvious. But I feel it needs to be stimulated with more and more heavy stuff. Something which worries meis that my morning erection is not often present (however, from time to time I can catch it, it exists) and generally It's very hard to have a rock-hard erection. It's possible, but I need to be really horny and stimulated. The good thing is that sometimes when I, for example, just read some erotic content I feel that my penis reacts to it. It's not a perfect erection, but It can be a sufficient spur to fap (even without porn involved).

Sorry if I included too many details and "weird stuff" above, but I'm not sure how it should look like. All I know for sure and all I want is to be free from porn. It's too long with me, so I know it must have caused many bad things to my organism. I want to take up a 90 days challange. I will be happy to share my emotions and thoughts here. I will be happy if you support me. Ask questions, give advice. I spent few hours to read this community and the site. I know that the whole process takes time and it's very individual, but perhaps you have some specific recommendations for me? Some strategy? It's just the question of porn? What to do with masturbation? And what about an orgasm? I will appreciate any help :)

Thank you for being patient if you read all of that ;)


EDIT: I would forget the most important thing - today is my third "clean" day ;)
« Last Edit: June 30, 2020, 10:49:44 AM by kierv »

Sanders

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Re: My way to be a better man starts here
« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2020, 03:34:14 PM »
Hey,

Welcome here! No need to think of your story as weird or strange, many people here have dealt with similar experiences. Luckily, many have also overcome them and grown into different people. You're asking for strategies and tips at the end of your post, I can give you a few but of course these are the things that have helped me. I'm now 52 days without porn and it's going pretty well.

Start of by changing your media habits. I've blocked porn sites and quit Facebook, there's plenty of websites and services available that can help you with this. You can find quite many here: https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/tools-for-change-recovery-from-porn-addiction/taming-your-computer-and-phone/. Try to cut down on your media usage because frequently using devices will lead to watching porn for many. I would then strongly advise you to have a person that knows about your plan to change that will support you. A friend, family member, religious community member, or anyone. Just someone that won't judge and wants to help and also keeps you accountable. This has really helped me a lot, I'm not just doing it for myself but also for them. Next try to figure out what triggers you into watching porn. These situations, locations or any triggers that you might come across can lead to relapses. Figure them out and avoid them. What's also important is to find some activity to do that can give your brain some healthy dopamine instead of the shit that porn gives you. Sports, hobbies anything that you can fully focus your mind on. Use that as a go-to activity when urges hit or just try to do that as much as possible.

Regarding masturbation, that's a tricky one. It really depends on you, can you 'responsibly masturbate'? Can you do it without fantasizing about porn, without it leading you to porn, or without it being a replacement for porn? Then, I guess it's alright if you can do it without being controlled by it. I'd do it when feeling neutral, not that your masturbate to get rid of the sad feelings for example. Then you'd just replace one bad habit by another.

What helps a lot for me is to really focus on the life I want. Instead of being afraid of porn and waiting for a relapse I choose to focus on rebuilding my life and being a better person. The more I focus on that, the sillier porn becomes.

Hope it helps! These are of course things that have helped myself and may be different for you. Just read a bit here and try to write a post frequently. All the best of luck!

kierv

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Re: My way to be a better man starts here
« Reply #2 on: July 02, 2020, 04:57:27 AM »
Thank you for your comprehensive guide :)

Fortunately, many of above-mentioned pieces of advice seems to obvious to me and I borught them into play.

The best advice is to focus on your life. I'm not afraid of porn, but my other problems seems to diminish my love of life. I think I need some time without porn to assess its impact in this puzzle.

kierv

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Re: My way to be a better man starts here
« Reply #3 on: July 02, 2020, 05:21:26 AM »
First week (Days 1-7)

My first week without porn has just passed. I bet there is no reason, at least right now, to post pieces of my story every single day. I think that the span of a week is optimal. Moreover, I suspect that this weekly report would be more credible than "daily newsletter" in terms of long-term assessment of my condition.

Ok, so what did I observe:

1. No strong urge to see any kind of porn. I didn’t expect it would be that "easy", but I hadn’t felt any inner pressure to watch naked girls. It’s even more interesting as I decided to break up with porn rather abruptly, without any transition period and special mental preparations. It was an impulse, so even during my first clean day I was considering for a while to watch one more scene with my favourite MILF as I planned to see it earlier and start the whole reboot process the next day… but no!

So my sexual arousal doesn’t chase me. So far, it’s OK without porn. No physical pain (blue balls or whatever the name is) as well. I believe that most of other guys (as I read their journals) claim to go through a tough time in the first few days, but I guess it’s just a matter of individual profile. I guess it’s pointless to be happy or sad that nothing (bad) happens right now.

2. However, it doesn’t mean that my all physical reactions are completely gone. I bet that 2 or 3 times I experienced the presence of moderate morning glories (without erotic dreams), but my sleep is not the best quality and I tend to wake up very early. That's why I cannot exactly write you many details and exact observations as I'm a bit comatose very early in the morning. Don't remember much.

On the other hand, as my brain is deprived of porn it finds alternative ways to make me aroused. It may sound funny or stupid, but I experienced some boners during reading other guy’s stories and journals. The reason is that now this is the only place where I can come across phrases like “erection”, “boobs”, “girls”, “ejaculations” etc. ;). So I believe it somehow itches and activates my imaginary. Of course I don't stay in such fantasies and I always avoid going deeper, but today I had very strong erection (like 95%) just because I read something hot (at least my brain perceived this story as hot due to specific vocabulary, heh). I just checked my pants to assess how strong it is and then quickly “forget” about it, so my erection vanished as quick as it appeared.

Prove me wrong, but I guess it was the positive experience, because it’s nice to know that you are still sensitive enough to get hard by pure reading something, let's say, erotic-related and porn is not the only and ultimate trigger.

3. By the way, I can write you there was just one moment in my recent life which I can associate with being porn-free for a whole week. Last year I visited another country for a holiday and I decided to share hotel rooms with my female friend. Due to obvious circumstances I couldn’t watch porn or masturbate as I was spending almost every moment with her. I remember I didn’t even have time to think about porn as we were very active as tourists. However, my streak finished with an unexpected wet dream. It was quite a shock to discover it in the morning – fortunately she was still sleeping at the time. That wet dream was unfortunately a trigger and my bad habit returned (I had to fap under the shower, when she was out etc.)

Now I’m curious if my next wet dream is already somewhere on its way. And how many of them I can expect? Last time it took just 7 days to explode…


And that's it. See you next Thursday :)
« Last Edit: July 02, 2020, 05:24:39 AM by kierv »

steadyrock

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Re: My way to be a better man starts here
« Reply #4 on: July 02, 2020, 05:32:22 PM »
Hi Kierv,

I have read your story, its very informative and normal. Nothing weird in it. You did great for already have done one week and having done your homework in regards to do a sucessful reboot.

I can say that the best thing that i have done to reboot our brains was to do physical exercise daily for half an hour at least. I saw this suggestion on a book called "Spark" by John Ratey where it is explaind the effects of physical exercise on the brain. I suggest you you check it out and to see if you can do any sort of physical exercise daily. There are good ted talks about this great scientific descovery in which physical exercise stimulates your brain to grow new neurons.

Another thing is precisely... just focusing of your life...as it was already mentioned by Sanders... its a very good piece of advice, i fail on this part often...ill focus more too. Thanks for the advice Sanders.

One thing that is really helping me to be more human... which is a very important part to be more able to be connected with people and living a happy life is to become more connected with ourselfs.. and for that you will have to make an effort to use less the digital world... I tried once for a week to be away from tecnology and the internet(except for important stuff) and it made more human and in touch with my self. Its a kind of digital detox... which the positive effects that brings are the same as stoping PMO, but far more greater...as a suggestion.

Meditation also help, the ones that are connected with the vipassana meditation. The are anapanasati meditation, vipassana meditation and metta meditation(no sure about this one). 

Having a sleeping schedual is also a very good idea. Waking up at the same hour everyday and going to bed at the same hour everyday, makes your brain to learn that once its time to go to bed it will shut it self down and have a good night sleep instead of wandering around with thoughts ans question about random stuff beyond bed time. Because there will be a time that you will have bad nights of sleep and because of that you will be more triggered throughout the day.

Good luck Kierv, nice work

We are the result of our own doing.

hopeful2

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Re: My way to be a better man starts here
« Reply #5 on: July 06, 2020, 08:51:07 AM »
Hi Kierv,

Realised I haven't read your story and honestly it's impressive.

I get what you mean about reading other people's journals, so don't think its that weird.

It is weirdly nice how we become more sensitive as we start to move away from Porn, I didn't now how much that part of me had become supressed. I might write about that on my journal.

Keep going, your story is impressive and grounded.

kierv

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Re: My way to be a better man starts here
« Reply #6 on: July 09, 2020, 09:46:58 AM »
Second week (days 8-14)

The second week was more challenging… I think I’m a bit lost and need some serious commentary for someone who is above this situation (literally, everyone but me) :-\, but before I refer to my sense of lostness (starts with point 2) I will share some other news.

1. The most crucial discovery concerned the real nature of my addiction. I understood that watching porn was not directly related to my sex drive. Is it surprising? I know it isn’t. Porn was just a tool to feel better, a dopamine’s agent. Of course, sometimes it corresponded with my pure desires and sexual arousal (that’s why people masturbate from time to time and it’s fine), but no one is naturally horny 24/7… whereas everyone wants be happy all that time.

At first, I experienced some thoughts related to porn, very innocent thoughts, really “mild”. One day I had this notion to see some non-pornographic photos of Kendra Lust, my favourite MILF. The idea came out of nowhere with no reason. I didn’t feel aroused. Didn’t feel any urge, but I thought it would be… well... normal. I asked myself: “Why do you think so?” And I realized that porn was simply an integral part of my daily routine and I automatically think of it. My traditional world’s order is disrupted, so my brain misses the old harmony…I need to realize that there are other ways to get the real prize (dopamine). Currently, it may seem that porn is still much more powerful than, for example, a new hobby that I can take up. But over time, during my reboot, the value of other activities should prevail over the significance of porn if I keep it away from me.
« Last Edit: July 09, 2020, 09:49:29 AM by kierv »

kierv

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Re: My way to be a better man starts here
« Reply #7 on: July 09, 2020, 09:49:58 AM »
2. It's getting hot and summer is in its full bloom, so I had to focus a little on my pubic hair ;) I wouldn't confess it, but unexpectedly shaving made me hard... As you already know, one of my biggest fears is that I cannot say to what extent I have problems with my erection. Therefore, I see some hope if during my reboot I'm able to get it up when I simply read something erotic or touch my penis (however, the first factor is still more efficient). It's like a feedback from my body: "Alright, man, you're not as wasted ad you could be. You can have a boner without porn". That's my I'am happy my penis is not extremely damaged, though to find possible dysfunctions I would need to try real sex in the future (I’m afraid I can have PE, because I never had too much patience to watch porn or masturbate longer than 5-20 minutes and  I found it always easy to cum after several strokes). It is also good for psychological reasons, because if I experience a flatline, it will be certainly a flatline (not some affliction).

3. Unfortunately above-mentioned erection was a trigger. Forgive me my straightforwardness, but it was such a good feeling to see your penis in full erection, even for a while. I didn’t expect that giving up porn would make such a quick change in terms of penis’ size. Constant fapping made him less robust and my max erection was about 16 cm for months if not for years (however, I didn’t measure it at every tun, so it’s impossible to follow this process in details). Two weeks without porn and the magic happened as my penis is back to its (old standard?) 17 cm size which is a great finding for a man. There is no point to explain it further.

The problem is that it’s hard to stop some thoughts in your head when you see you’re in a good shape. Immediately some fantasies (non-porn related!) hit my mind. I was able to limit them and avoided being aroused all the time. But I was still fascinated by the fact that I could make my penis fully erect again without porn. It was strong conviction so yesterday and the day before I was letting some thoughts to slip into my head and I was using these thought just to check if my penis is 17 cm again and again. I thought about my biggest sexual fantasy which is an intercourse with an older woman (38-48 years old). My direct stimulant was reading some message boards where people had discussed about relations and sex between younger men and older women. Nothing pornographic, no long and perverse stories, just simple experiences and stories regarding meeting with older female partners (pros/cons).

I’m proud I didn’t relapse but in fact there was no danger of such scenario. I’m more concerned about pure masturbation, because I had strong urge to do this, to let my energy. I didn’t do it too, but I feel I need some support and understanding. I’m afraid how such this experience (these erections, these thoughts in last two days) could impact on my brain on my 90days challenge.

If you follow diaries in “Ages 20-29” section you know that I have written a few messages in other journals regarding author’s problems with masturbation and their dilemmas if they should quit it completely or continue when they feel they need to. I said “It’s OK. Porn is a MUST, avoid it whatever it takes, but don’t blame yourself for masturbation, it’s normal”. I also clearly stressed my will to survive 90 days without porn AND masturbation, but everyone is different and all in all the ultimate goal for all of us is related to porn. So now I feel bad, because I have strong urges to introduce limited masturbation despite the fact I support and I’m full of understanding for those who aren’t on hard mode.

There is also one more option I take into consideration right now. Perhaps this a time for the real breakthrough. Perhaps I could use my increasing energy to meet with some girl/woman to have sex. Nothing emotional, nothing serious. Just sex. It would be much more healthy way to overcome my problem, it would be a real partner, real body… but I’m not sure how my own body would react when the moment comes… I feel like I could set up an account on datezone website in any moment, add my profile photo, write about my age preferences and see what happens…
« Last Edit: July 09, 2020, 10:24:38 AM by kierv »

kierv

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Re: My way to be a better man starts here
« Reply #8 on: July 09, 2020, 10:27:05 AM »
Sorry for my style, but for some reasons I couldn't copy the text from my doc to this message body. I had to split my post.

As you can see, It's getting harder, so I need some support/advice.

Moreover, the second was much more dynamic and I think I can loose some thoughts when I post just one message per week. Now I will do that every time I need. Hope you understand.

AStansfield

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Re: My way to be a better man starts here
« Reply #9 on: July 09, 2020, 03:29:16 PM »
1. I understand completely - porn whilst certainly potentially damaging to your sex drive inflicts more damage on the reward based behavior circuitry in your brain. You'd rather do Porn than something else because it's immediate gratification (a quick fast hit) compared to doing something objectively more productive but with delayed gratification.

2. Good news! It'll only get better as time goes on.

3. We've partially discussed this in my own journal - but avoiding masturbation is for the best. It is an exercise in the strength of your will and the constant development of that will. Will is like a muscle - you can call it discipline. Discipline is doing something you don't like to do/would prefer not to do in favor of something else in order to better yourself. So I solidly say that while no porn is a worthwhile accomplishment/goal (because porn is destructive), no fap is certainly a greater accomplishment/goal.

Yes there are benefits - varying from person to person - but the one consistent benefit is that you can say to yourself that you resisted urges, defeated temptations, and came out on top like a real badass wielding a hardened, tempered will.

Bądź silny mój bracie 8) !

kierv

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Re: My way to be a better man starts here
« Reply #10 on: July 10, 2020, 02:16:13 AM »
Thank you for your words.

Obviously you're right. Sometimes you need to swtich on your brain and switch off emotions. Yesterday was hard. I registered on datezone and was looking for some women, according to my sex fantasies, and I got a nice contact with 2-3 of them, but eventually I said to myself: "what the hell, you're doing it under the influence of emotions, desires. You want to be too fast and in fact it's a kind of escape from porn to something milder, but still potentially risky". There was lot o erotic content I was trying to avoid (but that's the specific of such sites - profile pictures with naked bodies etc). So I quitted. Moreover it's not possible to hang out for sex as women/men ratio on such sites is probably 1:100. Even if those women are obese and older, they can have sex with everyone, every time they want, because they have crowds of believers. Incredible. And all these believers are guys who look like fitness gods with 20cm dicks. You can clearly see their photos.... I doubt they all are attractive to this kind of women. Perhaps It has more to do with the sexual crisis/changes of our times.

Anyway, the case is that I really need someone right now, just for sex (just like these above mentioned men?). I don't know if that's because I'm porn-free and somehow strenghtened or because these urges accumulate other ways all the time. The older I'm the more painful it is, especially that I'm an attractive guy who has much to offer. Ultimately I was always avoiding women who liked me because they had seemed to be not enough vibrant and rousing for me. This thought should be my signpost and I need to believe that I will start appreciate natural woman with time.
« Last Edit: July 10, 2020, 02:19:11 AM by kierv »

AStansfield

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Re: My way to be a better man starts here
« Reply #11 on: July 10, 2020, 10:53:11 PM »
I advocate patience. Right now i'm in the same boat where before bed i'm actively fantasizing about the girl next door - but i'm a man on a mission and there will be a time and place for that when I reach my goals.

6 Months No Fap/6 Months No PMO/10-12% BF after 6 months.

It's difficult, I know. Especially for me, I haven't had sex in about 13 months - so getting a release is something my monkey brain definitely is looking for. Your monkey brain is looking for the same thing, and you must persevere.

I do believe there is something deeper behind your desires.

For you specifically (in regards to your age) I actually had a conversion with my PhD student friend recently who is just a bit older than you about it. It's about approaching that age where you don't have much in your life and you need a responsibility - being responsible for someone's heart, someone's emotions, someone's wellbeeing - is one of the duties and beauties of being a man. I know that line of thinking may be old fashioned but the fact that men need responsibility for fulfillment isn't.

Responsibility gives us purpose. Don't fall into the trap of having passionless, empty sex with individuals. It's no different from porn addiction in a way. There is no connection, you're just thrusting your hips like some jungle man 10,000 BC style. It may have been fine back then in such a simple society but now our society is complex and we need good people around us to ground us, make us feel attached. Being a fitness model with a 20cm dick and putting it to use day after day is eventually going to drain you and you'll realize you're all alone. Be on watch!

Sorry for the rant, just like putting my input out there  :P