Author Topic: My journal towards freedom  (Read 3234 times)

Sanders

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Re: My journal towards freedom
« Reply #100 on: July 20, 2020, 03:33:03 PM »
Day 73

Quick check in, was too busy today to post.

Sanders

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Re: My journal towards freedom
« Reply #101 on: July 21, 2020, 03:52:30 PM »
Day 74

Another busy day, should try to make more time for my recovery things. When life gets back to normal it's easy to forget these things I suppose. Bad choice, being and writing here is one of the cornerstones of my recovery.

Some obstacles in my way but they're just not going to make me feel down, hopeless and sad. My situation is as it is, I fucked up. I'm dedicated and motivated to fight to get porn of my life and I'm happy that I'm doing pretty well so far. 74 days without looking back and not really any strong urges. Corona must have played a big (positive?) part in this as well since I've been mostly at home with my wife. Usually my behaviour was when she was out. Anyways, I'm doing well and feeling good. I'm building my compassion, patience, and husband skills. I was really lazy and useless before, plenty of issues next to porn :)

Life's good, tough, but good.

Chris Oz

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Re: My journal towards freedom
« Reply #102 on: July 22, 2020, 01:11:05 AM »
Glad to hear that. It's true that as life gets back to normal it's easy to throw caution to the wind. Thank God you're cautious of that. That was one thing that ended my last streak.

kopp

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Re: My journal towards freedom
« Reply #103 on: July 22, 2020, 06:36:20 AM »
Your day 61 report is extremely interesting. I've considered seeing an addiction therapist and never did. You've done a lot to fight this addiction. Great job :)

Sanders

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Re: My journal towards freedom
« Reply #104 on: July 23, 2020, 02:55:01 PM »
Day 76

Skipped a day, nothing bad though. Life's busy and focussing on the more important things is what helps me a lot. Spent more quality time with my wife after work, that's something really enjoyable. This weekend will be pretty full, we have a wedding planned 5 hours driving from here. It will be nice to see people but it's also a bit scary to go to a wedding in times of the corona virus. A wedding will bring people from different parts of the country and after a few drinks they'll throw their caution in the wind most likely. The day after we have a family dinner at our house and that's nicer to look forward to. I like cooking and my wife is a great organiser and planner, it should be fun :) First one more day of work and then some preparations. My head is still fully in the recovery game, just occupied with life moving on. I enjoy coming here to write and just to go through some things and receiving feedback on that. I suppose that it's a good thing in the healing process.

@Chris, thanks as always. Just read that I used the 'caution in the wind' as well in my own story. Recovery is on my mind and my goal is clear to me. I'll try to be more involved here, just need to figure out my time a bit better.

@Kopp, happy to see you back! It's good to hear that someone thinks my rambling is interesting. I felt like drowning after my behaviour was exposed and grasped around me for help. In that panic 'survival' mode I guess I made some good choices as well, and I was suggested some as well by others.  It's helped me to quit porn and never look back at it. 76 days without a relapse is what I'm extremely grateful for.

Sanders

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Re: My journal towards freedom
« Reply #105 on: July 26, 2020, 02:48:11 PM »
Day 79

Checking in after a draining but fun weekend. Friday filled with work and preparations, Saturday a wedding 5 hours driving there and back, and today family over. It was nice to be there despite the current situation. It feels good to see and talk with some people after a lot of isolated living! Some difficult moments of course at the wedding, 1,5 years ago we got married so there's some painful moments for my wife to relive these things. Anyways it went well and the drive together was nice, took a detour and visited some new places on the way. It makes me happy to do these things together!

Tomorrow life will get back to it's normal schedule so I need to make a certain time available for myself to write here and focus on my recovery tools that have helped me so much in the past. Tomorrow will also mark 80 days without porn!

Sanders

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Re: My journal towards freedom
« Reply #106 on: July 27, 2020, 02:35:19 PM »
Day 80

Not much to report, just that 80 days is a great number to write down. Spending quality time together feels good, occasionally I feel like I'm living a bit too much in my head instead of in reality. I have to snap myself out of it and enjoy the moment as it happens. The structure that work gives is good, trying to fill up the rest of the days with quality good time.

10 left till 90, that's a big one to look forward to!

Chris Oz

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Re: My journal towards freedom
« Reply #107 on: July 27, 2020, 04:20:12 PM »
Wow, congrats man. 10 to go to the big milestone of 90. Living in my head is partly my everyday way of living... Always talking in my head.  ::). I think it's cause I'm mostly by myself. Lol

squid

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Re: My journal towards freedom
« Reply #108 on: July 27, 2020, 04:54:06 PM »
80 days is awesome, keep it up!  I feel like I'm in my head a lot too.  It goes away when I'm around people or when I'm doing something I'm proud of.
« Last Edit: July 28, 2020, 09:32:15 PM by squid »

Sanders

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Re: My journal towards freedom
« Reply #109 on: July 29, 2020, 09:39:57 AM »
Day 82

Thanks Chris and Squid, always nice to get some encouraging words! I'm working harrd to get a healthier and more enjoyable life, the biggest barrier seems to be me not really fully taking in those moments. When doing nice things alone, or together with people I feel like I'm often not really there. I know that I enjoy it, I just don't neccesarily feel it. It's a strange idea but I guess it's some sort of melancholical feeling. I can look back on nice things and think "why didn't I enjoy that more?". I've been numbing my emotions for quite some years because "that's what men do". Now that I'm trying to understand myself and my feelings more I realise that there's more work to do than just cutting out the porn.

Happiness, I'm living in it, but not neccesarily experiencing it too strongly. I'll focus on understanding that part of myself a bit more in the upcoming days or weeks. I've been always a bit more quiet and tended to myself more often, but I wouldn't say I'm an introvert. Let's see what I can find out!

squid

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Re: My journal towards freedom
« Reply #110 on: July 29, 2020, 10:06:36 AM »
Good reflection!  I'd say that's pretty normal during the first 100 days of a reboot.  But also, it could be that the activities you are enjoying you might not enjoy anymore.  You might be thinking you should enjoy them because that's what expected but maybe they no longer jive with you.  That's fine too.  Do what you love, let what the world thinks be damned.

Sanders

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Re: My journal towards freedom
« Reply #111 on: July 30, 2020, 01:54:44 PM »
Day 83

Pretty good day, feeling a bit better than the earlier gloom and doom. Maybe there's just a lot going on but there's some things I'm excited for in life. Looking forward to the future I genuinly believe to be free of porn forever, this journey has been strange but the realisation of losing everything that's important to me has possible been the greatest positive influence over that. Of course there's been many different aspects that have helped me in my recovery, those I respect. There's no drive or desire for porn, I've felt like it's ripped out of me. I'm getting to terms with a new life and I'm noticing improvements though they move slowly.

Porn is unnatural, it's not real, it's damaging to all those involved. It's not a part of my life anymore and it won't ever be.

Sanders

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Re: My journal towards freedom
« Reply #112 on: July 31, 2020, 02:45:50 PM »
Day 84

Today was a good day, really happy about that. Feeling more and more like these negative and lonely feelings are dissapearing. I have more energy, both physically and mentally. I haven't really been cycling as sports recently, only commuting. I did 1,5 hours today at a pace I haven't reached in a very long time, happy about that! Still energy left, smiling and joking a bit. Still not really sure whether it's a depression or not, my therapist thinks it might be. Anyways I'm feeling better, ready for the weekend!

All the best to everyone out here.

Chris Oz

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Re: My journal towards freedom
« Reply #113 on: August 01, 2020, 06:22:33 AM »
Have a greater weekend!

Sanders

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Re: My journal towards freedom
« Reply #114 on: August 01, 2020, 02:05:40 PM »
Day 85

Had a really nice day, working at the summer cottage and spending some fun time with family. Feeling a lot more energetic and happy recently, I'm really glad about that!

It can only get better :)

Sanders

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Re: My journal towards freedom
« Reply #115 on: August 03, 2020, 12:26:42 PM »
Day 87

All going well. I have a ton of energy and I'm so grateful for that. The last years I've been so tired and down often, it feels great to open up a bit. I can run around at work and do everything at once. Today is also one of our three anniversaries, three because of living abroad. Ordered some flowers to be delivered home for my wife which really cheered her up. Made a tasty dinner after work and that's about it. Nothing really much planned for obvious reasons.

Life's good, it's getting better all the time :)

Sanders

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Re: My journal towards freedom
« Reply #116 on: August 04, 2020, 11:14:31 AM »
Day 88

Nothing much to report honestly. I'm feeling good and still got energy! Work has some demanding tasks which can fully take my focus away which is good. The days fly and I'm feeling good :) Coming home to my wife is honestly great. Just some leftover things of a mild depression that I'm getting rid of. Whenever something shit happens, I tend to get overly sad and start to feel lonely. I'm developing coping skills since I've never really had too good ones. Reminding myself of the great things in life that I'm so blessed to have is important here, no more dwelling on the sadness.

Feeling good :)

Sanders

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Re: My journal towards freedom
« Reply #117 on: August 05, 2020, 01:18:32 PM »
Day 89

Doing great, nothing really to write about. Life's just going on and porn is becoming more and more a distant memory. It just becomes more and more strange looking back at myself, why didn't I just realise how silly it was. It's something I've left behind and honestly feeling great without it.


Chris Oz

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Re: My journal towards freedom
« Reply #118 on: August 08, 2020, 03:48:12 PM »
I'm sure you must have crossed the 90 day mark. Congrats man. Would love to hear your success story... What kept you going,your motivations and all.
To a better life!

Sanders

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Re: My journal towards freedom
« Reply #119 on: August 09, 2020, 02:14:26 PM »
Day 93

Skipped a couple of days, I tend to focus more on life instead of here. Both are important, just need more focus :)

Passed the 90 day mark a couple days back, pretty happy about that! It seems to be a significant number here and I'm honestly grateful to have come this far. The further away from porn the better. Thanks for the reply Chris, I wrote around day 60 quite a lot about what I've used to escape porn. I guess I'll write something similar soon hoping to get some more insight, perhaps at the 100 day mark. I have a clear goal in mind, no more porn ever again in my life. The longer I abstain from porn, the more easier that goal is to achieve.




Chris Oz

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Re: My journal towards freedom
« Reply #120 on: Today at 05:01:30 AM »
Good luck on porn free life. I hope to reach your mark soon