Author Topic: Have to start this diary  (Read 564 times)

wannaheal

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Have to start this diary
« on: May 21, 2020, 06:22:59 PM »
Hello everyone.

I'll start with my quite a long story. Really I didn't think about "coming out" here, however, it seems that I have to do it or it will be much worse. I'm not a native speaker and haven't used Eng for a long time, so sorry if you find any mistakes or bad style of writing. I will try to write briefly not to turn it into the book. I will write quite openly, because I have to admit my problem, so there will be LOTS OF TRIGGERS, so STAY AWAY, of you're on your succesfull path. Also, I hope that my openful writing will may attract people who had the same problems and they will prove that all this crap is because of pron influence on my brain.

Let's start from my school days (I'm now almost 26).

I started watching p intesively somewhere in my 14-15. As many of us. I never was a freak or a loser in school or anywhere else but girls were not being catched. Some I didn't like, some didn't like me. So all my school days I spent by watching p. I remember when my parents were away and I was home alone I could masturbate during all day. I remember one day I did like 9 cummings in front of the monitor, my pants were all covered and turned into something like protein shake. So you can imagine what i was wacthing to be satisfied. Yes, all shades of gb, pervertions, fucked up bdsm and other crap. Slightly I touched the bottom of shemale stuff and bisex gangband.

At the same time I was not completely enjoyed only by mastrubation in front of the PC. I didn't have a girl, so as I understand I started to use what I have near me - myself. I was wearing my mom's lingerie and cumming on it, when I had time. I wanted to know, what it's like when girls get stuffed and I started practicing anal masturbation, while being in my mom's underwear. And yes, I'm not gay, I completely not interested in any type of homo relations or with trans. I know that it's impossible for me.

My after school life went the same. I didn't find a gf and continued watching porn. However I get rid of underwear fetish, but sometimes practicing anal (18-21 yo). As I also understand it's due to logic that masturbating only your dick becomes boring, so why not to use another variant. During these times I "felt in love" with some girls, not achieving sex, but they attracted me sexually and I wanted them.

In next 2 years(21-23) my personal life was the same. No gf - p. But i don't remember going too extreme in my masturbation. No fetish and anal. But I did it every day 3 times per day. Just going to the shower and touching my dick and it went 90% full, so I started wanking. But in my last year (or may be 2) before catastrophe I mentioned that I started looking at sexwife stuff, then going in amateur gangbangs with bbc.

Just a month before my 23th birthday I went travelling and one day I mentioned that I don't want porn and don't want wanking. And all 3 weeks of my trip I didn't masturbate a lot. Then I returned home and didn't really pay attention to the life of my instrument. After 1 month a girl appeared in my life. I liked her, she liked me, we were texting and it seemed to turn into the sex.
But I metnioned that while I text her or dream about my future sex I can't get a boner. Even while we were a bit flirting sexually. And before I met my virgiinity loss in this day she sent me a photo of her naked legs in bathroom, what before will make my dick grow immediately, but I didn't feel it. This time I understood thay something went wrong.

My first experience with her was strange. Yes, at the first time I couldn't penetrate into. But I was cumming with her blowjob, and on the next day (I stayed a while with her) I did it into. However, it was more blowjob that real sex. We lived in different towns, so met like 4-5 days into the month. After my first fail I really started to pay attention on my dick. I bought viagra and made experiments. One pill contained 25 mg, I tried one and had a boner for like 4 days really. One thought - and it gets 100%. So when I went to the girl I tried like 10-12,5 mg of this (half of a tablet) to fuck her all nights long. I was hungry and I wanted to have sex neither solving my problems with her in these rare meetings.

Then we broke up and I returned to my average life. First time after broke up I was masturbating like before with hard boner and without any p. Just remembering her and looking at her photos.

From this point I really started to have problems with ED. Also I had depression for a half of a year and I thought that it was the consequance. Then I met my ex one more time, had 3 nights stand, almost without viagra (I had some destroyed powder, which was not even a half of tablet). On 3rd night while changing pose I lost my boner for a half, so had to wank a bit and then put it into.

Then I left her and we broke up again. After it I got in the jail (nothing horrible, let's say it was a drunk fight, therefore I'm doing my PhD now, so i'm not a gangsta). Here I spent 1,5 year and it's hard for me to say something about my sexual health due to full time stress and lack of masturbation. I masturbated when I could but i didn't have a 100% boner and i dreamt about porn scenes - all this sexwife stuff, gb and so on. Sometimes I imagined my ex in these scenes. Only after this I could get my 100% erection.

Not a long time ago I returned home. Of course at the first day I searched for porn and my dick got 100% immediately watching light stuff like ordinary fucking (1 penis 1 vagina). And then you know what went further. Yes, then 2p1v, gb, bbc and other stuff. Everything returned. And I started feeling that with every new day it's hard my penis to get up with any porn I watch. I thought about PIED, googled and find this website. Searched throught stories and made an experiment. Tried to wank with my imagination - zero result. Imagined hardcore sexwife gb - boner and orgasm. After that I definitenly thought that I have a PIED and decided to gave up.

I spent 1 week without p and m. Started to feel boner in the morning like 50%. When thinking in the morning about my ex - 100%

That was really the best week of my life. And one day I decided to make an experiment - touching, fantasies and just a biiiit look at p. Looked at ordinary blowjob, and everything worked. Guess what happened. Yes, i started all this shit again. First time everything was cool. One day I couldn't even do anything except wanking, boner was hard all day and asked for action. Just girl's photos made me hot. But then p went harder and harder, erection went less. But now it also turned into again repeat of fetishes and anal. Somehow this shit turned into femdom p, which I never liked and will never accept in real life. But after 1 month of a new hell's circle I have my ass destroyed and reached some new level of pervertion. However, I don't have an orgasm from this stuff, so I have to imagine something from p, but i prefer to imagine my ex, however I think now it's all the same, like imagining a porn star.

After all this life of a total degenerate, I decided to open my topic here. I hope it will help me to win this struggle with PIED and pervertion based on p.

Why did I describe everything so full?

1) I hope that more experienced users will say that I likely have PIED, not venous leakage. Cause it seems to me that it looks more like PIED

2) I have to admit that i'm sick. I'm really sick of porn industry and pervertions that it put into my mind

3) I hope that I will start to heal and my changes will inspire others that they're not degenerates themselves, it's porn industry and masturbation made them so.

I think I have to write here everyday, may be it will be the only variant to stop me from this madness

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: Have to start this diary
« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2020, 07:16:45 PM »
Hey man welcome to the forum! I read everything you wrote. For sure porn is a big issue and the root of the problems you are describing.

It's good that you now know this and you can make a commitment to cutting this stuff out of your life!
You can do it for sure

blueicetea10

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Re: Have to start this diary
« Reply #2 on: May 22, 2020, 06:30:55 AM »
I'm so glad you are here and are on the path to healing and recovery. I have read what you posted and I think you will find after a look through this forum many others who have gone through a very similar thing. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There is light at the end of the tunnel!

Please keep posting on here, try and do it everyday.

Try and think of one simple thing you can do everyday to help you with your problem. For me it's saying the catch phrase "if it ain't real, no deal" when a porn type thought crosses my mind.

The step you have taken to come here is the hugest step of your entire recovery! So be proud of that. There will be ups and downs for sure but we'll be here to support you.

Do message me if you want a chat.

Best wishes  :)
Mastery is not an exalted state that lies at the end of the path; it is a state of mind the lies at the very beginning.
Mastery is in the act of setting foot on the path, not in reaching its end.

wannaheal

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Re: Have to start this diary
« Reply #3 on: May 24, 2020, 01:50:30 PM »
Hi, guys!

Promised to write here every day, but I failed. But not failed in my plans to finish that hell.  Just briefly describe you my last 3 days.

Day 1

It's like being in hell. All the day I spent fighting with my temptation to make some pervert stuff (which I described in start post). What REALLY helpled is thinking about this forum and my topic, that I promised to start my way to recover. My brain and my body were like I'm a junkie, asking for a dose. Only thinking about this topic stopped me. So, what I can say, that all pervert stuff and porn addiction is REAL. It works the same as drugs - your brain wants to be "happy", while your body just doen't work like this and penis is really not working after so many "jobs" and always asks for something new. It's like useless to give a joint to heroid addict - it's nothing for him.

Day 2

Waking up with some boner like 50%. While thinking about ex (yes, I continue, have to cut off this) - 100%. Also, during the day there were some attacks, like "let's check your hole", I even started to do something, but then refused, remembering this topic.

Day 3

Day 3 is quite the same, however, there was one "anal attack", which I also refused to do, but easier than a day before.

So, firstly think to finish off with this anal pervertions, just forget about that and use it only in direct way, given by nature. Also have to get rid of dreams about ex.

wannaheal

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Re: Have to start this diary
« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2020, 04:11:18 PM »
Day 4

On this day I lost many sexual thoughts and dreams, which I usually have in my brain. Decided to "test"(yeah, again) my dick. Again I achieved a 100% boner with some pervert stuff, however, not so pervert as I described it in start message. Did it two times with ending and no more. Still nervous about may be it's venous leakage, but checked today some forums in my native language, and doctor here said in response to similar question that if you achieve a 100% boner somehow, so it's the psychological problem, not physiological. And really, if I achieve it with help of pervert fantasies, it means that I'm a pervert not impotent.

From this day I start total no masturbation, at least for 1 month. I need full recovery.

Also, I checked my femdom fantasies - they went away, it was not exciting me. Also not dreaming about anal, not touching eat and so on, just have no interest in it. I think it's quite a good result for 4 days. However, how I described before, my last hell started after 1 week without porn and masturbation, so it's not a time to relax.

wannaheal

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Re: Have to start this diary
« Reply #5 on: May 29, 2020, 05:53:58 AM »
So, it seems the 7th day without porn, and I masturbated 2 times 3 days ago.

Result for 1 week is:

I have no desire for any crazy stuff, which I described here. I feel that they hided somewhere, but I don't feel like a junkie, who needs to do this. So they're not attracting me a lot.

Today was sleepy in the morning, firstly have no boner, then thought about ordinary sex and had a 100% hard boner like in good old days, which lasted for quite a long time.

All the way, thigs seem to become much better than before. Also without being a slave to my pervert desires I feel myself much better, more organised, more concentrated. In last days of my masturbation hell I couldn't even read a book at all, cause I always thought about sex, about my self-satisfaction and so on. Now I'm somehow feel like a normal human.

I will continue my struggle and I hope I will get rid of any porn memories in my head.

Icandoit

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Re: Have to start this diary
« Reply #6 on: May 29, 2020, 08:17:01 AM »
Focus on the good things and keep going. Remember that relapsing will revert the situation and make you feel like shit.

wannaheal

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Re: Have to start this diary
« Reply #7 on: June 01, 2020, 09:03:32 AM »
Yesterday did the same as in previous post. Didn't have any crazy dreams, it was quite normal, like what I dreamt when I was in school, imagining girls from my class and so on. Penis was harder than the last time and continued to be so longer.

Today did one more, got some trigger (not from p), but dreamt not about this. However, the goal is to quit porn completely, that means not only watching but to clean the brain from any pictures I got in my head from watching. So the new attempt not to wank at all.

Let's say I put a goal of nofap for 2 weaks minimum.

Icandoit, thanks for your support (and others too of course). I will try again and again to exit the fapping, but at least I see some evolution.