Author Topic: Ex-edger  (Read 4612 times)

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #100 on: June 25, 2020, 09:23:41 AM »
Hey Man,

Im glad to hear that they are now back home and on the mend!

I want to point out that I will echo this comment by UK:

Please though...stop feeling unworthy - you're completely worthy and part of this team. Your participation, encouragement and interest in others is highly valued (certainly by me).

You are valued a lot by me as well! Keep that in mind my friend. You are in a tough situation, but we are with you and here for you.

Take care!
--------
Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

mr.slurps

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #101 on: June 25, 2020, 08:20:27 PM »
Hi Guys, I appreciate the kind words and take them to heart.
I finally have 1 clean day under my belt so to speak. haha
Last relapse I binged for 6 days so maybe a two day binge is a bit of progress.
The residual images of porn are still running through my head so I'm in dangerous territory.
Thanks again for the kindness.

Rookie

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #102 on: June 26, 2020, 08:12:51 AM »
Keep strong bro, and remember, your worthiness / unworthiness isn't based on your emotions regarding the group here or your emotions regarding yourself. That's the wrong path to walk down my friend. If anything, throw that stupid word out completely.

A little parallel here. My wife is incredibly hard on herself, and thinks her value to society is based on what negative people estimate her at. I just simply ask her, directly, firmly, but with compassion and love "what about the value I give you, after all the "shit" we have been through in this marriage, and I haven't walked out...what about my opinion of you, my parents, our close friends...doesn't that matter?"

All this to point out, if you're going to the negatives in life to base your worthiness, you're going to hit some hard times brother. Not saying you have to walk around with an ego, lol. I'm just saying, you're a brother on this forum, in the same fight. Your financial net worth might be bad, might be good, your living standards, your home, house, the rest of it...might be lower or higher in the hierarchy of society...your personal / life / human value, is not measured in human visuals my friend.

Walk with your head high (whether you're an introvert or an extrovert), and tell yourself, "I'm worth this fight, I might win or lose other ones, but this one, I'm worth it"...

Don't know if this helps, but when I was feeling down (wife's 3 suicide attempts, 3 loss jobs back to back to back, lost adoption, miscarriage and the list goes on), I keep telling myself, when life keeps trying to keep us down...my person, if nothing else, is worthy.

mr.slurps

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #103 on: June 27, 2020, 03:07:41 AM »
2 Days!   Wow, you guys are somethin', Just made me feel a bit melancholy and humble- that's a good thing for me. This challenge is humbling for sure. So, I do feel unworthy at times, when it beats me down.
Because of myself and you guys, I promise to keep getting up.
2 days and counting!

mr.slurps

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #104 on: June 27, 2020, 11:21:24 PM »
Day 0,  I'm just trying to remember that this is a process.

UKGuy

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #105 on: June 28, 2020, 05:51:01 AM »
I am plagiarising this from Matt Dobschuetz' (The Porn Free Radio Guy) weekly email Mr S...(worth signing up to)

"Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.”
― Samuel Beckett, Westward Ho

Sam Beckett wrote the famous play, Waiting for Godot. It's about two guys sitting around waiting for another guy. Spoiler alert: the other guy never shows up.
I could write a play called Waiting for Recovery about two guys sitting around talking about recovery, but not doing anything. Spoiler alert: recovery never comes.
We stop trying because we are afraid to fail. But some of my biggest gains came after failure. It's what forced me to grow.

Truth: I am not waiting for recovery, I am taking action, and failing better.


Rookie

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #106 on: June 28, 2020, 05:57:30 AM »
I will echo UK...as well as suggest going back to the basics...don't aim for 14 days...aim for a 6 hour fight. You have more stamina for 6 hrs than you do for 6 days right now. In a boxing match, they never say in the first round, "let's go for 15"...they always say, 1 round at a time, and often enough, 1 minute at a time.

The little fights will add up to the big one, but you have to fight the small ones to get to the big ones.

You got a lot going on, take some time away from the screen and go for a nature drive / walk...we're not giving up on you, keep posting, even if it's failures. Eventually, you will be a success story and a statistic (one of the ones that quit this thing), but first...walk slow. No need to run.

mr.slurps

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #107 on: June 29, 2020, 05:18:26 PM »
Hi Rookie,  Day #2 I haven't thrown in the towel.
UK that was a good one even for you. I am taking it to heart because I've been unintentionally blind to the fact that failing is part of this process, at least for me.
Rook, thanks for your vote of confidence and reminding me to take baby steps right now. That advice was just what the doctor ordered.
Around 2 weeks seems to be where my resolve/endurance crumbles.
Thanks for not giving up on me. Pure logic indicates that I should not give up on myself if two guys I've never met won't give up on me. Thanks

UKGuy

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #108 on: July 01, 2020, 03:45:33 PM »
How’s things Mr S?

mr.slurps

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #109 on: July 01, 2020, 11:08:01 PM »
Hi Pal,  I'm on day 0 again.
I'm batting one out of three on the healthy, wealthy and wise continuum.
But I suppose if I have my health, strictly speaking I can attain some wisdom. (wealth I don't control other than showing up for work).
Wisdom is what this struggle comes down to for me. You can tell from my tone I'm feeling down b/c I've relapsed so much.
June was 20 clean, 10 relapses.  No appreciable progress.
My job right now is just to let go of my disappointment, frustration and helplessness-- find a foothold of equanimity.
How are you?

UKGuy

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #110 on: July 02, 2020, 06:13:03 AM »
I'm good thanks Mr S. Don't be down - remember about 'failing better'. So long as you take something out of each failure, no matter how small it is, it has value.
Maybe journaling those learnings after each failure and regularly revisiting them (maybe every day) will be a way of layering on your progress each time. The learnings mean little unless they remain in our consciousness, particularly versus the strength of the PMO pull. Journaling them on here maybe another idea for the community to help you build on them?
And don't forget that in June you had a 66% success rate. That's a platform to build on. Take care.

Rookie

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #111 on: July 02, 2020, 10:46:30 AM »
Hi Pal,  I'm on day 0 again.
I'm batting one out of three on the healthy, wealthy and wise continuum.
But I suppose if I have my health, strictly speaking I can attain some wisdom. (wealth I don't control other than showing up for work).
Wisdom is what this struggle comes down to for me. You can tell from my tone I'm feeling down b/c I've relapsed so much.
June was 20 clean, 10 relapses.  No appreciable progress.
My job right now is just to let go of my disappointment, frustration and helplessness-- find a foothold of equanimity.
How are you?

For this post to makes sense, I'm just going to bring my Christianity, for example purposes only.

When I first got saved in 2000 and became a believer, I knew I sinned before God everyday before hand, but after I got saved and was "suppose" to acted like a Christian, it seemed I noticed every little sin twice as much as before. I didn't have a computer at the time, but I noticed all the women, every time I fantasized and every thing...so I brought it up to a Christian brother, and he mentioned, "once you know about the law, you will notice every time you commit an infraction, not that it takes away your salvation and progress, but now that you know about it, you can't help but see it".

All that, to say, it's also like a scratch on your car that may have been there for 2 yrs, but you never saw it before. Then someone you know tells you, "oh yeah, forgot to tell you, I did that quite a while ago"...now every time you walk by your car, you notice it. It doesn't change the overall value of the car, doesn't change that it's been there for 2 yrs. But now that you know about it, you will be convicted about it every time it happens.

My friend, same with the addiction we have here. It doesn't change your worth or value as a human being.

Now you're just noticing how bad and deep this thing goes cause you're trying to quit. Before you did a bit of research and tried to quit...it didn't bother you all that much.

My friend, you have to look past your relapses...yes, we see you post a few "day 0..." going on...but you're posting them. Which means, you're no doubt shameful about it (which is good, if we weren't shameful about it, we wouldn't be on this board), but you're also brave enough to face the fact that you need encouragement and support.

We have you here bro, good days and bad. The only thing you have to recognize, is that your worth, isn't measured by your relapses.

It's going to be a pain, cause now that you're trying to quit, you will notice every thing...but you can't linger on it.

Hope these words shed a bit of encouragement for you Mr. S.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #112 on: July 03, 2020, 03:18:53 AM »
Hey Mr.Slurps how are you doing today?

So you've relapsed again, sad but not bad.
To me 20 days clean 10 relapse is way better than 20-30 days of relapse. Maybe it's hard for you to see it, but to me it is progress.
And, as Rookie indicated, you keep on coming here and posting and face the fact that you need the support and encouragement.

So, what happened over that last period? Of course you've a lot of stress to handle with your brothers heart attack. But is there more?

Keep strong my friend,

We are all rooting for you!
--------
Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

mr.slurps

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #113 on: July 07, 2020, 12:37:24 AM »
Day 0
Yes Shade and Rook,  I do need support and encouragement.
I am relapsing a lot, about every other day.
There's no concrete reason (my brother's on the mend, thanks).  I'm physically and financially ok.
My emotions are befuddled badly.
I'm not sure if it is a cause or effect of all this relapsing.
What do you guys think would be a good way to kinda start from scratch?  I need to go back to square one.
I hope you guys are well. You're something special in the truest sense of the word.

UKGuy

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #114 on: July 07, 2020, 02:40:25 AM »
Hi Mr S,
If I was giving advice to myself in these circumstances, the first thing I'd advise is to get on here every day, preferably at the start of the day to:
- connect with others, show interest and receive support, thereby:
- boosting self esteem (I'm doing something positive and helping others)
- getting inspiration and tips from reading others journals.
- get your emotions off your chest and out here, shine a dissolving light on that shame - be expressive about what you're feeling, when and how temptations are arising etc (I'm sure you'll get plenty of practical suggestions and a lot of understanding)
- starting the day with a healthy habit and good intent.
For me, it's the opportunity to get my head in the right space and recommit my day to the cause.
Sometimes also a 'jolt' in terms of committing to a routine helps reset the brain.
Why not commit to yourself to the next 10 days, and see what happens to your average? My money says it will improve.
Good luck my friend.

workinprogressUK

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #115 on: July 07, 2020, 06:21:45 AM »
Day 0
I am relapsing a lot, about every other day.

This is offered with best intentions, Slurps. I really value your enthusiasm and positivity, and I really want you to succeed. I wonder whether you are "relapsing", so much as not getting into the cycle of change in the first place? If you're using every other day, I wonder if you may still be in the Preparation phase, which is still a positive place to be, but is just at a different stage in the cycle, and supposedly has a different balance of motivators between pros and cons, to the Maintenance phase? You may already have had a look at the Transtheoretical Model of Change, by Prochaska and DiClemente? The diagram accessed via this link tells the story well. If you are still in "Prep" and trying to make some changes without them sticking, it's supposedly better to focus your motivation on the negative aspects of using P, rather than the positive aspects of life on the other side.

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/4e/1a/93/4e1a930ef8a88c18a2cfd7ec5e258309.jpg

As they say in therapy... "these are just my thoughts... and you do not have to do anything with them". I'm not in any way diminishing your effort or struggle or challenges. I just wonder whether it might be worth taking a step back?

Leonidas

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #116 on: July 07, 2020, 10:53:32 AM »
What do you guys think would be a good way to kinda start from scratch?  I need to go back to square one.
Two things here:
First, ask yourself what specifically do you want to start over from scratch.  What meaning is behind this... the kind of work you do, the city you live in, the friends you have... what, more precisely?  And why do you want the change?  Just to stop relapsing or because there is something else that you feel is pushing you in that direction?

Second: why ask us?  For all the advice we can give you, it won't really matter... because we only bring external ideas.  For an idea to really move you, it needs to breed from within.

To share a personal example: say I feel like volunteering somewhere but do not know where.. then I would just aim for a kind of organization that is into phone support lines or soup kitchens, choose one that is kind of close to where I live and not worry how long my stint will last there.  That would be one tiny change.  Then I might add another idea, like hiking once a month in the mountains.  Tiny insignificant changes over time can dramatically change a life.  The secret is TIME... invested in small simple ideas that make you feel good.

UKGuy

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #117 on: July 07, 2020, 12:05:06 PM »
This is great insight WIP. Really helpful for me - especially the linked graphic. Thanks for sharing.
Day 0
I am relapsing a lot, about every other day.

This is offered with best intentions, Slurps. I really value your enthusiasm and positivity, and I really want you to succeed. I wonder whether you are "relapsing", so much as not getting into the cycle of change in the first place? If you're using every other day, I wonder if you may still be in the Preparation phase, which is still a positive place to be, but is just at a different stage in the cycle, and supposedly has a different balance of motivators between pros and cons, to the Maintenance phase? You may already have had a look at the Transtheoretical Model of Change, by Prochaska and DiClemente? The diagram accessed via this link tells the story well. If you are still in "Prep" and trying to make some changes without them sticking, it's supposedly better to focus your motivation on the negative aspects of using P, rather than the positive aspects of life on the other side.

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/4e/1a/93/4e1a930ef8a88c18a2cfd7ec5e258309.jpg

As they say in therapy... "these are just my thoughts... and you do not have to do anything with them". I'm not in any way diminishing your effort or struggle or challenges. I just wonder whether it might be worth taking a step back?

UKGuy

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #118 on: July 11, 2020, 06:21:01 AM »
What's happening Mr S? We're all missing you here. I hope you're not slouched in that 'comfy chair'!!?
Sending you positive thoughts and best wishes from Blighty.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #119 on: July 11, 2020, 01:54:16 PM »
Hey Mr.Slurpie, how are you doing my friend? As you can see we are missing you on here. Please let us know how you are doing!

And thanks for that very insightful schematic about the stages of change WIPUK, i really love it.
--------
Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

Rookie

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #120 on: July 13, 2020, 07:38:21 AM »
Mr. S, you still with us bro? No shame in coming on just to give a report on the progress, or relapse. I can tell you, that if you avoid posting, due to shame and relapsing, it WILL extend the relapse sessions. I tell you this from experience. Then it took me about a year to come back. Please don't fall into that trap.

mr.slurps

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #121 on: July 13, 2020, 12:12:41 PM »
Hi Guys, Day 1.  Thanks for the unwavering support, god (or the universe, buddha...) knows I need it.
The advice re coming here first thing after breakfast may be a good habit to try to initiate.
Also the idea of making an effort, however small, to help others resonates w/ me.
As far as the learning/cause, the best I can posit is that the isolation finally hit me bad. It is spreading in Az as fast as anywhere. We've all been living w/ this for a long time but logic may not apply to emotions. It seems to have just struck me how painful this has become. (This could be a bunch of baloney but it's the best I can come up w/.)
Now that I've had a major relapse I do recognize I'm back in a different mind-set. It's disturbing b/c it is a form of delusion. Part of me is already telling me that it doesn't matter. It's not worth worrying about. It's just "who I am."
The power of this addiction to create delusion is absolutely astounding. I hate feeling fear but I do.

Rookie

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #122 on: July 13, 2020, 12:44:13 PM »
Welcome back friend!!!
Baby steps. If I can give a small piece of advice. Not sure if it will make any sense though.
Break your day down in 1 hr segments. However, don't count them as "ok, one hour done, next hour, next hour, next hour...". That will just drive your anxiety up to fall into another relapse. It's like someone going to bed at 2 am, knowing they have to wake up at 6 am...their anxiety of having to wake up in 4 hrs, keeps them from sleeping.

But if you break down your day in 1 hour victories...only look at your watch occasionally, but mark each hour as a victory, before you know it, you have a day done.

And as far as the virus goes...some governors, (Arizona seems to be a bad one, one of my favorite preachers is from Minden) my favorite preacher mentioned that a governor there was severely over reaching. Closing down churches, restricting gatherings...that has a HUGE impact one some people's mental stability.

Really hoping you get through bro.

UKGuy

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #123 on: July 13, 2020, 01:26:52 PM »
Great to see you back in the saddle Mr S and thanks for your kind words on my journal. Looking forward to having you back around again striving for success with us all.

Joel

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Re: Ex-edger
« Reply #124 on: July 13, 2020, 03:35:48 PM »
It's disturbing b/c it is a form of delusion. Part of me is already telling me that it doesn't matter. It's not worth worrying about. It's just "who I am."
The power of this addiction to create delusion is absolutely astounding. I hate feeling fear but I do.

I've been an utter victim of this for years. You have to start having that truth ready to speak back to your addict. 'This is serious, it's why I'm on a forum sounding desperate with a lot of other guys sounded just as desperate.' Come here and read yours and other entries. Yeah, doesn't work like a charm cos it still gets me, but you have to start talking back to the inner child. It will eventually take (he said). well done for getting back in the saddle.