Author Topic: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...  (Read 2414 times)

metal22

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 292
    • View Profile
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #25 on: May 18, 2020, 02:29:49 PM »
Day 22:
I feel like I had a really good weekend.  We had quite a bit of intimate time,  and I really loved it.  It felt similar to when we were first together. 
I'm still focusing on balancing my life.  So many things are out of balance but I will just focus on one thing at a time.

KittyHawk

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 240
    • View Profile
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #26 on: May 18, 2020, 02:40:37 PM »
I am glad to hear you are doing fine, metal22.

Just keep bettering yourself at your pace. That's already more than most people do. I truly believe that we have a chance to emerge out of this with a more fulfilling life at the end.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

metal22

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 292
    • View Profile
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #27 on: May 20, 2020, 05:53:03 PM »
Day 24:
I missed day 23's post.  I'm struggling to find the balance of my life in which I can find time to post.  It seems that I'm not really good a consistency,  which is probably an issue for me in my addiction.  I let other things in life find priority.
Had a discussion last night about red flags and triggers and such.  I have to admit that last night I was exhibiting my old self-focused behavior,  which was disappointing.  My wife was forgiving,  but it still made my feel a bit upset that I had regressed.  Today seems to be going better though.

imsorrynotsorry

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 162
    • View Profile
    • My Journal
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #28 on: May 21, 2020, 03:10:30 AM »
Quote
Day 22:
I feel like I had a really good weekend.  We had quite a bit of intimate time,  and I really loved it.  It felt similar to when we were first together.
I'm still focusing on balancing my life.  So many things are out of balance but I will just focus on one thing at a time.

I'm so with you. I'm experiencing a really good time now with my GF, even there are problems.

Don't let it get you down. Recovery comes with facing truths. Talk about it, they will come again. Never be hard on your self. Think yourself as a man who can change. That's what we want, right? I don't want to be that guy anymore, i want to find out how i am without P. The things that come with it, can't be that bad compared to the things we got from our addiction. Tell me.

PS. Write in your journal when you have the time and something to say about you.

ShadeTrenicin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 386
    • View Profile
    • My topic
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #29 on: May 21, 2020, 08:53:45 AM »
Day 22:
I feel like I had a really good weekend.  We had quite a bit of intimate time,  and I really loved it.  It felt similar to when we were first together. 
I'm still focusing on balancing my life.  So many things are out of balance but I will just focus on one thing at a time.

This is excellent man! great progress, were you and the wife able to really bond??


Good luck man! As always rooting for you!
--------
Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

metal22

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 292
    • View Profile
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #30 on: May 21, 2020, 10:02:12 PM »
Day 25:
Things are going pretty well.  Had some ED creep in the yesterday which started freaked me out,  though we talked about it,  and she helped me identify some stressors in my life that I haven't been dealing with.  I unfortunately seem to hold onto stress and anxiety.  But progress has been made,  as I didn't feel so ashamed to talk about it.  I think Cortisol is something that really cripples me,  as it keeps me from sleeping well,  makes me eat inconsistently,  and helps cause ED with me ( which really can build on itself and make for a downward spiral),  and makes me shortsighted and retroactive in my actions.  I'm working on organization of my life,  talking openly about my feelings,  emotions and what's going on in my head.  It's helping a bit,  but it's consistency of doing all that that will help the most in the long run.

imsorrynotsorry

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 162
    • View Profile
    • My Journal
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #31 on: May 22, 2020, 04:49:20 PM »
Hello metal22,

the ED to go away needs time. There is almost no way of shorten up the way, except avoiding everything, also normal intimacy. So, for your balance it just the right way to be okay with yourself. If intimacy is part of your relationship, then it's good. It's the same in mine. All you have to do right now is avoiding everything that is keeping you away from your goals. All the other effects, like morning wood or no-ED will come sooner or later. Impatience or freaking out you don't need, so please find your balance. It helps (like you now understand what cortisol does).

metal22

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 292
    • View Profile
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #32 on: May 22, 2020, 08:40:29 PM »
Day 26
Today was a fairly relaxing day.  Pretty uneventful,   and felt pretty calm.  My wife and I make a great deal more physical contact during the day,  and I always enjoy that.  We visited some friends we haven’t seen in quite awhile.  It was nice,  though their kids are very wild.  I worry about my kids a bit with them,  and although they were wild like usual I believe my kids had fun.

ShadeTrenicin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 386
    • View Profile
    • My topic
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #33 on: May 23, 2020, 06:54:13 AM »
Hey Metal22,

I think you have a good insight in what stress / cortisol does with you and how it causes that spiral. The fact that it cripples you and interferes with your sleep (which lowers your defences) is a major influence in battling addiction. As you said it makes you shortsighted and retroactive. Now that you understand it, are you able to rationalize things as ED creeping in?

Also nice to read that you and the wife are slowly getting more closer on both a physical as well as an emotional level. Although it might still take time, i think the two of you are on the road to having a better, deeper and more understanding connection! I am happy for you both.


P.s. wild kids are annoying, but they're also kids. As you said yourself; they had fun!
--------
Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

metal22

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 292
    • View Profile
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #34 on: May 23, 2020, 09:28:13 PM »
Day 27:
Another relaxing day with the family.  It was enjoyable for sure.  Im hoping this whole weekend will be nice.

ShadeTrenicin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 386
    • View Profile
    • My topic
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #35 on: May 24, 2020, 07:44:19 AM »
Great man, excellent to read that you're enjoying time with your family!

All the best for you guys!
--------
Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

metal22

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 292
    • View Profile
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #36 on: May 24, 2020, 10:15:38 PM »
Day 28:
Had some good constructive conversations with my wife.  We discussed what our life would possibly be like when the kids grow up and leave.  She voiced to me how she doesn’t know how we’ll be,  like what we will live like,  and how she’ll feel.  It made me realize I seem to view the future rather optimistically,  whereas she is more of a realist.  I don’t believe our marriage has always been that way,  but it seems to be now.  I think some of that optimism is what got me to relapse.  Not to say we don’t need hope,  as surely we do,  but I also may have not fully grasped my own addiction and it’s control of my mind.   She told me that I seem to be focusing on slower growth,  and she feels like thats good.  I feel the same way too. 

metal22

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 292
    • View Profile
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #37 on: May 25, 2020, 08:44:07 PM »
Day 29:
Had a day working on a construction project of sorts.  The heat and sub got to both of us and we snapped a bit at each other but I feel like we worked it out mostly and had a good day nonetheless.  I could feel periods of grumpiness but I mostly felt like I could work through them.
I did enjoy the time with her today.

metal22

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 292
    • View Profile
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #38 on: May 26, 2020, 08:57:37 PM »
Day 30:
Worked out in the hot sun most of the day,  so I’ve been feeling drained.  Had a short talk over dinner.   She commented that I still am not initiating conversations on this stuff.  Unfortunately she’s right. 
I’ve been thinking a bit on how blood pressure might be affecting my moods,  and other things.  Not sure why I thought about this, but I can feel my heart quite a bit throughout the day,  and it always makes we wonder what my pressure is.  Plus I’ve been wondering how stress affects it.
We also talked about the me too movement and how so many women get sexually harassed and assaulted.  It makes me feel very sad when I think about this,  how it affects my wife,  how I’ve participated in this,  and how my daughter will be affected.

metal22

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 292
    • View Profile
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #39 on: May 28, 2020, 06:16:02 AM »
Day 32:
I missed the post again yesterday.  I’m sorry for that.
We had a weird interaction yesterday while we were on our front porch.  Some young black men pulled up,  spun a U-turn,  rolled the windows down and pointed what appeared to be paint ball guns at us, then said “ just playing”,  and raced off.  It was dusk so it was kinda hard to see and my wife ducked for fear they were real.  It really angered me so I got up and tried to chase after them hoping to get a license plate,  but me on foot without shoes and them in a car is pretty futile.  I then called the police and told them what happened. 
As I calmed down I processed with my wife over it.  I started to feel like I overreacted,  and she confirmed that.  We both recalled doing stupid things as teens,  and this seemed to be just one of those.  I don’t believe that those kids meant real harm,  probably just wanted a reaction out of since they were bored.  Then I felt bad for them,  playing around like that around where we live is dangerous.  Daily we hear gun shots so there are plenty of folks here with guns that aren’t afraid to use them.  I do think I need to continue to read my emotions as they come up.  Clearly I should have taken a second the assess the situation first.

imsorrynotsorry

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 162
    • View Profile
    • My Journal
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #40 on: May 28, 2020, 09:12:14 AM »
Even though i imagine the scene ridicilous, the mechanism is where to look at. If i understood right, you're interested in your emotions when something is happening with you?

metal22

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 292
    • View Profile
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #41 on: May 29, 2020, 08:42:32 PM »
Day 33:
ImSorry,  yes I am interested in better understanding,  then processing my emotions.  I have felt that throughout my life,  when my emotions get strong I do behavior that almost feels uncontrollable.  I don't feel like I'm crazy,  but these emotions can really control my behavior.  It may be that maybe that is part of why I veer away from strongly emotional things,  like dealing with the damage caused by my addiction.  It's so bad,  that sometimes when I even read people's posts on this site I have to take a couple short breaks with stuff,  or if I get an angry text or email I will avoid for as long as I can to read or listen to it.  My wife tends to deal with things right away and generally takes them head on.  I have always admired how she does that.  And once in awhile when I do the same,  I feel really proud of myself.  Yet just like with porn,  or all the other medley of negative behaviors I struggle to break the habits of not dealing with it.  Ultimately its entirely self destructive,  but I guess that's what all sin eventually does.

imsorrynotsorry

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 162
    • View Profile
    • My Journal
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #42 on: May 30, 2020, 06:29:56 PM »
Day 33 now, wow, you're handling well.

I'll add to your last post that the bottom line is: be responsable for yourself. For most of the things we can do right away it's just a dealing-with-it-mechanism you can train, but with PMO it's a bit different because of the addiction part. Anyway, you can manage this by learning to manage this. It's like a muscle you train, so keep training and have trust to maintain in this state to be positive in the end!

I like to be with you in your journey.

metal22

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 292
    • View Profile
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #43 on: May 31, 2020, 09:01:03 AM »
Day 35:
I missed day 34 yesterday.  I seem to do this:  think about posting earlier in the day but then think “nah I’ll wait until I have something more important” then the day happens,  we visit with company and I forget.  It happened last night unfortunately.  Its not a big deal,  but its out of integrity with what I have set out to do.  Anyway,  I’m owning how I did not do what I set out to do yesterday.
ImSorry,  thanks man.  I have a great deal of time between my DDay and now.  I have broken the habits generated of years of PMO.  My struggles aren’t generally that hard with constant white knuckling of trying to avoid porn,  but for me its a low grade intentionality of daily being consistent with working through triggers.  One the plus side,  its gets a great deal easier a couple years down the road.  I always have the synapses for porn use,  but I also have the synapses to ignore it as well.  The problem with it being easy is it becomes where you lose all intention of sobriety then you find yourself slipping again.  My hope and belief is though,  that me working on actual recovery (dealing with root causes) will help me be able to maintain the intentionality for the rest of my life.

imsorrynotsorry

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 162
    • View Profile
    • My Journal
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #44 on: May 31, 2020, 09:17:02 AM »
It's absolutely not a big deal. Setting goals and not reaching in the exact time is still better than having no goals. Trust yourself. We are here and you come as you wish.

metal22

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 292
    • View Profile
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #45 on: June 01, 2020, 08:43:53 PM »
Day 36:
What a crazy day.  The have now put a curfew on the city near downtown.  It's pretty close to us as we are just a few blocks away,  so it's a bit unnerving.  They have had lots of vandalism and I believe they are afraid things will turn more violent,  so hence the curfew. 
We were having a peaceful evening reading in our gazebo when my son somehow broke his arm on the trampoline.  It was a bad one,  with his limb going the wrong way.  We were all about to head down to the ER but my wife me and my daughter stay behind.  I wanted to be with him so my heart broke a little but with Covid we would have to wait in the car.  She was right to have us stay behind.  He is in shock and I'm waiting to hear more about whats going on. 
I think she's the most amazing mom.  She has always taken our kids in when something bad happens and handled them with the upmost care.

Orbiter

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 248
    • View Profile
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #46 on: June 02, 2020, 07:27:17 AM »
Hi metal,

That's insane...a lot to go through in just one day. Kudos to you for being present both physically and emotionally for your family when they needed you. The significance of this can't be understated.

Wishing you, your son & your family all the best through these troubled times. Good luck!

ShadeTrenicin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 386
    • View Profile
    • My topic
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #47 on: June 03, 2020, 10:10:31 AM »
Wow metal, that is an insane situation. I hope your son is OK and that the effect of the unrest will not affect you and your family.


How is your son now?


Stay safe
--------
Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

imsorrynotsorry

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 162
    • View Profile
    • My Journal
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #48 on: June 03, 2020, 03:48:35 PM »
It's just so nice reading how you appreciate the way your wife does things. That's of great value, maybe tell her?
Anyway, hope your son's arm is going to be ok.

metal22

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 292
    • View Profile
Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« Reply #49 on: June 03, 2020, 08:40:26 PM »
Day 38:
Sorry to keep you hanging as I missed yesterday.  Thanks for the well wishes!   He is doing better.  He has a full arm cast so it's pretty immobile.  He seems somewhat depressed as he isn't able to do the things he usually likes to do,  like swim,  ride a bike etc.  We tell him it's just a couple weeks and then hopefully he can do a smaller waterproof cast.  I have come to realize how independent he is.  I can tell he hates having people wait on him hand and foot and usually turns us down when we offer help.
Otherwise I've felt a bit tired but otherwise good.  This mishap has caused a delay in our exploring intimacy with each other.  I have to admit I was excited about the momentum,  and I'm a bit worried I will settle back into the old ways with this delay.