Author Topic: My journal, my friend  (Read 6205 times)

imsorrynotsorry

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My journal, my friend
« on: April 28, 2020, 04:11:29 AM »
Hello there,

i hope this will help me going through this process this time.

The story is, i discovered P when i was 14-15 and went on kind of regular daily basis of PMO. It became my daily bedtime routine over years. During that time the symptoms became stronger, but i didn't recognise it - you can imagine that.

I had several relationsships with girls all the time. I thought i'm just getting more nervous with girls and that´s why i doesn't work properly, but that wasn't the case. In around 2010 a friend of mine and i realised we´re in trouble, we´ve grown an addicition. So, we worked our way into the facts of that PIED-thing and we realised what it needs to overcome it. (you will later see, even though i did know all the mechanism and stuff, i fell back)

My first reboot started back in 2011 and i did quite good. I went clear for a long time, maybe 6 months without P, mostly wet dreams. That was the time when i as a person become more balanced and more confident with women. I wanted to find out if i could do normal with girls again, so i tried. Shockingly it didn't work out the way i hoped, but i got better and better. I felt that it also depends on the trust i have with the girl. The more trust, the better it worked - it was a relieve that i can have normal sex and experience normal urges, without going fetish or any absurd kind.

It then happened to me to have a girlfriend which had her own problems with an eating disorder (anorexia). We found our way to manage that, but during that time i lost my confidence in what i achieved as a P-free-person. Through the relationship with the eating disorder i got the feeling that it is okay for me to have a disorder as well, so i started relapsing. This mechanism is widely known i understand, minus and minus doesn't equal plus all the time. If you´ve read to this point, it doesn't stay that sad all the time, ok?

Years went by, she made therapy and went into a clinic, improved her life to a healthy point. During that time i didn't forbid P to me, it was kind of letting off steam somedays and was something that i can hold on - a controlling instrument. I was not doing it regularly, but often.

Looking back, it was weird when i did it. For example, when i have a good time with my girlfriend, even had good sex, the thought in my head came up 'you´ve reached a good level, reward yourself with some of what you really like'. I also relapsed after some things went bad, crisis in relationsship or sth like that.

All the time i still managed to do 10-20 days without P. I thought, opening only one tab and one video is not inducing the P-relevant issues. And i handled it like 'you don't have to forbid it yourself, you can do it whenever you want, it´s not relevant to do it today or in 10 days, because if you want to, you´ll do it'.
Today, i would like to think that this thought is completely wrong. Sadly i'm not exactly at that point, but that´s my goal to get there. I know now, that this mechanism is like keeping a flower by only giving her less water. It mustn't grow much, but it will keep alive as long as i give some drops of water (this is like a f***** cactus in the desert). I realised that, because the symptoms on the one hand got better, but didn't go away.

SO, i decided for a fresh start, becoming myself again. I'm looking at my daycount, which says 29 today, but i would like to think that this is not important. I had so many relapses in so many strange moments. The triggers will come, the urges will come and i want to keep the focus on those moments. Do you know these moments, when your brain is telling you all of a sudden 'it is totally ok to masturbate right now'? In the past i was completely powerless against those thoughts. They were so strong, that i thought 'hey, it can't be that bad if it feels like a natural urge' and in a way it is, i guess. But for me, the natural urge and the addictive urge - i can't seperate them. I´ve never learned how to, because i PMO´d before i actually was with a girl. This is why i want the addictive urges to decrease. This works better without doing anything right now.

Last time i relapsed around day 45. Well, this time we´ll see.

Résumé of what i feel, since stopping:
Day 29
no kind of libido
no urge to PMO or MO
increased consumption of chocolade, sugar stuff
increased consumption of beer (from 0 to 3-4 beers a week, ... :-)
morning wood is coming back, slowly

Thanks for reading, will try to keep you updated.

Imsor
« Last Edit: May 09, 2020, 09:34:54 AM by imsorrynotsorry »

KittyHawk

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Re: Finally, my journal
« Reply #1 on: April 28, 2020, 03:00:45 PM »
You brought up some interesting points.

I also sometimes get the weirdest excuses why it is OK to PMO just once and just today... like rewarding myself, or  “my wife won’t have sex with me for the next couple days anyways,” but those are all dangerous rationalizations. Every second of PMO is decreasing our pleasure from future real sex. And I want the REAL thing, not this sh*tty addiction.

Keep up the good work and ignore excuses your brain is coming up with.  ;)
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: Finally, my journal
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2020, 03:43:32 PM »
This was not a good day, therefore i must write it off.

My GF and i are trying to become parents like 3 years and today it seems that we´ve lost the young one early after 5 weeks. Besides that is a very frustrating thing, this is not helping my mood for staying clear of whatever. Firstly it makes my soul very sad and secondly it brings down my confidence in the future.
So, it is happening again. My confidence is decreasing. My GF is dealing with it quite good, because she felt it coming and thinks today just cleared it off for her. This is when i understood it right, i guess. We do feel the same depressing things, maybe her even more than me. And when i look at her, even though she has her own problems, she is marching on.

What i need now is that positive influence that our futures are going to be what we are wishing for, but i can't do that all the time. Sometimes i get uncertain and as a result i question everything, most likely my relationship. This is when it is getting very challenging for me. I know, these moments are rare, because overall i'm an optimist, but these are the moments who are creeping up on me. If someone would ask me: What do you need right now to make it better? I would answer, i need the love of my GF, a supporting shoulder and maybe some sports and chocolade.

By the way, i ate 1/2 pack of those chocolade peanuts today and bought two beers which i didn't drink. The chocolade helped in a way.

Day 32
no kind of libido
1/10 urge to PMO or MO
1/10 morning wood
increased consumption of chocolade, sugar stuff

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: Finally, my journal
« Reply #3 on: May 02, 2020, 05:05:49 PM »
This is more of a note to my journal, anyway feel free to read.

Had a huge fight with my GF today. It started with her having a bad mood and i was just advicing one thing that lead to the fight. Shortly after i recognise that her mood has mostly nothing to do with me. She is sad and angry and will eventually take me as a target for some things (without reason, she´s telling me afterwards). All i can or must do is stay there and do or say nothing. Just bear her mood for an unknown time. This situation is bad for myself, and with bad i mean traumatizing. That´s why i start to advice things or try to leave the room. Both ways end up the same way, she´s screaming at me or is slamming doors, raging. That leaves me even more scared in another room, which leads to a numb feeling in myself. Numb and depressed.

Coming to my addiction numb and depressed is a fruitful ground for PMO as far as i know. That´s leaving me alone, knowing i have to prepare for the next days or weeks until stuff with GF is working better. I'm not certain about what preparing could be. But i will give myself some guidelines for at least 10 days:
- delete the facebook app (done)
- no phone/laptop use on evenings or mornings in bed
- make entry in journal in case of triggers recognised

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: Finally, my journal
« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2020, 03:54:52 PM »
Got a clear head to write in my journal.

Got mostly everything sorted out with my GF. It´s up to us now to let it stay that way and i'm more confident with the future now, knowing how i can help her better in those situations. So, good news on this flank.

Two days ago i had some kind of wet dream. It was only a tip though.
The thing is, i can definitely feel which period of the withdrawal of PMO is coming up for me. It´s been 38 days since my last O and, as one might know, an urge is coming up. By urge i mean just the kind of urge to O. This i can feel in the way my best friend feels like and he´s becoming more and more sensitive. I feel that and i like it, because i know, if i get close to my GF it will feel wonderful, but: I still want some time to pass before that happens, just to sort out the P-aspect. I've read in other threads, that there is also a chaser effect after normal intercourse and i know this aswell. I'm remember days where i PMO'd just 1 h after i got close to my GF. I want control that this time.

And, finally, i had very strong morning wood today, 9/10. I must have been waking up perfectly after REM. He was still up when i got in the bathroom and i had to coldwash my face and wait until he´s down for peeing. Huge success for me. I expect this was just one very good day of morning wood and i have to expect that it will last much longer to have a wood like that every morning.

Lookout:
In general positive, i feel good and confident. The journal is helping me, knowing through the day that i can write it down in it.
38 days without PMO, getting closer to the days i expect much more trouble with, which i expect to be 40-50, because this is where i´ve relapsed last time.
Target A ist reaching 90 days no PMO, after that i make new Target A.
Target B is reaching 90 days of no P, but eventually come close to my GF.

Résumé:
- no phone/laptop use in bed works mostly on evenings, mornings seem to be better. Really have to make that when alone.
- libido is up, 5/10 the last two days
- urge to MO is 4/10, to PMO 0/10
- morning wood, one day 9/10, rest of the days 1/10
- still increased consumption of chocolade

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #5 on: May 09, 2020, 09:44:21 AM »
Got close to my GF today and O'ed.
Kissing and everything natural was good for me and everything worked perfectly. That's giving me confidence in all.

I have to be aware of the chaser effect now, which can come up to 1-5 days. Right now i don't feel anything, but it's name wouldn't be chaser effect if nothing is chasing you, right? Hopefully i'm a bit ahead of the addiction right now but i must stay humble.

Also i had good morning wood today, also in the night when i had to pee. I'm curious if the O today is affecting the morning wood recovery.

metal22

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #6 on: May 09, 2020, 02:43:43 PM »
Imsorrynotsorry,
Something I have been exploring in myself ( don't have an answer yet) is what in my life is causing me the want to turn to porn/subs?  I have a good life,  yet what is lacking in my needs that I feel temptation so much that I can justify the ultimate hurt it causes to those around me that I love,  as well as myself?

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #7 on: May 09, 2020, 05:31:47 PM »
Hello metal22,

i have no clue, but i can try.
For example, since i'm serious about my reboot i've explored increased need for chocolade and beer. This gives me the thought: my brain needs something for stimulation. I understand, chocolade or beer has kind of an effect on my brain. In what way i can't say. So, to get back to your question, why is it we drink alcohol or eat chocolade or also do drugs and develop addictions?
Maybe it is because there are things in life which are able to overstimulate our brains in an unnatural way that gives us 'an ultimate feeling'. Once experienced, brain never forgets. Flaw could be, our brains falsely think that this overstimulation is an advantage in evolution (to say it more like Darwin), although it destroys us long term.
It's a bit similar with a fling. Fresh and long forgotten feelings come up, so wrong but you somehow think it's right, and then destroys everything long term. All rationality tells you it's not right, yet we feel urge.

But, where does the need come from? No idea.
Feel free to share you thoughts on this topic.

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #8 on: May 12, 2020, 12:25:42 AM »
Turning to day 44 today.
Last days were hard at work and some other business. Had a wonderful weekend with GF, got close two times and i O'ed also. It was very nice and pleasant and maybe helped me a bit to 'let off steam'. All in all i'm feeling good, like to think that i'm ok, but i'm not. The addiction is there, i have to be honest and although stuff seems ok now it's a long way for rewiring.

Morning wood got a bit better and i'm surprised how fast there is something happening, but i would like to have mw everyday like normal for my age.

It's clear to me that not giving the brain what it's craving for is pressing somewhere else, for eg beer. I'm far from a high consumer, but the lust for beer is there when at other times was just not there. So, still 2-3 beers a week is ok for me.

I also do try not to touch my man without reason, which i was doing normally. I'm thinking of avoiding some hand-brain-stimulus. It helps me a bit at having discipline in all.

metal22

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #9 on: May 12, 2020, 09:30:46 PM »
 imsorrynotsorry, 
I have been starting to explore the difference between sobriety and recovery.  Honestly,  I think in the reboot process ( the first 90 days) the best we can hope for is sobriety.  Just stay away from P,  and we essentially are "white knuckling" it through by pushing through our urges and temptations.  After the 90 days our brain starts to shift its focus,  and that allows us to start to recover.  That means we explore deeper what the causes of our addictions are,  what needs are not being met,  and what traumas need to be worked through.  After 4 years,  I can't answer those questions.  I am working towards exploring them however...

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #10 on: May 16, 2020, 02:14:13 AM »
Hello journal and hello metal22,

Thanks for you posting here. Brings in some fresh air.

Today i'm reaching day 48, which is great. Still in reboot, had two occasions with my GF with O, but stayed away easily from P or anything else. I'm trying to avoid every kind of stimulus like a nice girl pic in the internet or nudity in tv. That tells me i'm well disciplined, but also makes me aware of how addicted i am. That leads me to the question, is this my new way of life? Avoiding anything that can or could trigger my addiction. I like to say yes, no matter the price, i want a life without symptoms of an addiction. This is where the recovery comes in, thanks for the impuls metal22.

To find out about the reason why i'm watching porn it would need a specialist to talk me through. Right now i want to stay away from it and become normal. It has something to do with my personality why i was able to develop an addiction with P, but what? I can only guess. What i know is that having discussions about behaviour in or after conflicts in our relationship with my GF helps me. I have the idea that these conflicts are bringing me to a point where i don't know how to go on, because i don't have the instruments. It would be easy to fall back in old habits and it's super difficult to work through the conflict without leaving damage and turning bad mood into good mood.


The last days were tough, lot of work and less time for me. I'm feeling that my mood swings easily.
Reaching day 48:
- still drink more beer, one night even drank more than one beer
- still increased consumption of chocolade
- last 5 days almost no morning wood, which makes me a bit sad, but hope it'll come back
- urge to PMO 1/10

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #11 on: May 16, 2020, 03:38:51 PM »
Hey imsorrynotsorry (where does the name come from?)

48 days is an amazing achievement!

I've read your thread and i've gotta say you have (had) a lot going on. So 48 days is great!

You say that you would need a specialist to talk you through the 'why' you watch porn, but aren't you just also the victim of having access and developing a routine? Or, do you feel that there is also an emotional layer under that that you know is there but not able to reach?

I think that is a vital question you will have to answer. And in any case if you feel like you need a therapist, then go see one if you have the opportunity.


Good luck in figuring this out and on your journey!

I'm rooting for you
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #12 on: May 17, 2020, 03:39:36 AM »
Hello ShadeTrenicin,

Thanks for your post! i found that name by a term, if i remember right. Meaning i'm sorry for me but also stand by my behaviour. A bit contradictory.

Back then, when i turned to P i was young and alone, just my mother and i. She had no idea what was going on and yes, as a young guy i was a easy victim to internet P. But why i was and my friends weren't, i have no idea. Somehow i compensated stuff with that addiction. I think it could be the love i never got from my dad, because he left us when i was very young. Still today he's not good at showing this, but today i realized, this is his problem, not mine.

Right now i'm good. I want to enjoy life without P first, reach those 90 days and get morning wood back. Yesterday i had a bad mood, definitely because of the sobriety. Was very strange, but helps me realize 'i'm rewiring'.

metal22

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #13 on: May 18, 2020, 02:21:50 PM »


Today i'm reaching day 48, which is great. Still in reboot, had two occasions with my GF with O, but stayed away easily from P or anything else. I'm trying to avoid every kind of stimulus like a nice girl pic in the internet or nudity in tv. That tells me i'm well disciplined, but also makes me aware of how addicted i am. That leads me to the question, is this my new way of life? Avoiding anything that can or could trigger my addiction. I like to say yes, no matter the price, i want a life without symptoms of an addiction. This is where the recovery comes in, thanks for the impuls metal22.




Unfortunately to answer your question,  yes,  it is your new way of life.  It gets easier over time to avoid,  but that complacency can also result in a relapse.  Even to this day,  4 years after D-day,  I still get triggered.  It feels like my heart is racing,  or like a shot of adrenaline.  The sensation only lasts for a few seconds.  Its your body's way of warning you,  and you have the choice to indulge,  or move on.

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #14 on: May 21, 2020, 03:05:05 AM »
This new way - is a bit unknown to me but i think im not bad at it. I want to turn it more into something usual, with the knowledge of triggers and how to avoid them. Like you said metal22, this addiction will also be there when i didn't PMO, most likely after years and so on. The brain doesn't forget what i once got, i mean by that the dopamin-shots.

Few days back i remembered some things from my past. I'm not sure yet if i was a bit strange with my sexuality even before i discovered M, MO or PMO. I remember me imagining stuff with women and i think i had some escalative potential even before i turned into puperty. By that i mean fantasys which seem a bit abnormal, in a BDSM way. This happened before i was 12-13. Maybe it was just some experiencing with fantasys and stuff, i don't know.

With 52 days of PMO-free i still feel able to reach 60. And if i reach 60 i can do 90, as long as i keep up thinking about myself, writing with you guys and avoid potential triggers. I really want to cut down those dopamin receptors in my brain. Ah, this reminds me of some bad days last weekend. My mood was terrible without reason. Absolutely no motivation with nothing. Horrible. I want to think that this is an side effect of it and hopefully it will be less strong in the future.

Last weekend i had an occasion with my GF. In the beginning i was really hard but then he became softer and softer turning to 50-60%. Was a bit disappointing, when starting with 100%. Still, with a short brake i was able to penetrate. Nonetheless, this shows me how disturbed my mind is. It will need so much more time to recover. I would like to believe, that when i'm normal, my man will stay hard 100% during the whole time. Oh i truly wish that this is going to happen - this shall be another motivator for me.

- i accepted that one or two evenings in the week i drink 1-3 beers
- chocolade consumption got a bit down
- urge to PMO 4/10
- morning wood, some days yes, some days no. if there, it´s going away asap i stand up.
- my libido is up, maybe 8/10. The last years i rarely had this much libido. It feels more like 25/10. Maybe that's because my brain wants to O. I have to be humble and patient until the situation is in perfect order to come close to my GF.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #15 on: May 21, 2020, 03:15:33 PM »
JHey Man,

looks like you are still on the right track! 52 days is amazing!! Albeit that the process is difficult and that you still have the PIED popping up, there is progress!
Can you remember what made you achieve 100% erection? Was it the sight of your gf, the touch or feeling together???



I've not read it (or overlooked) but why do you keep track of the chocolate consumption??


Cheers man, as always rooting for you

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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #16 on: May 21, 2020, 05:50:24 PM »
Hello ShadeTrenicin,

Thanks for following and asking about.
Normally i achieve 100% in the beginning, when we are just cuddling. When we're preparing the act i can't stay 100% hard for long. I have to penetrate asap, else i loose my 100%. This shows me that i need still more impulses. Is that what you've asked?

The chocolade is sth i've just recognized, after i stopped PMO. I think chocolade or sweets deliver something that the brain urges for when there are no dopamin-shots. It's just for me keeping track of my urges.

Yes, feels like the right track!

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #17 on: May 22, 2020, 02:14:34 AM »
Hey man,

I understand the 100% part. And if you want to have sex with that urge, its most unlikely that you'll enjoy the sex itself since you're only focussed on penetration. Do you feel like you lose connection with the wife if that happens?

Now that you've explained to chocolate consumption, something inside of me clicked haha! I have the same  :)


Good luck man, rooting for ya
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

metal22

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #18 on: May 22, 2020, 09:29:02 PM »
Any time I have had it where the erection only lasts for a short time it ends up with an experience neither of us enjoyed.  I’m working towards recognizing when this will occur,  so that the experience will be enjoyable for us both,  and intimate.

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #19 on: May 23, 2020, 05:52:09 PM »
It's like metal22 said. It becomes an experience that i don't enjoy and neither is my GF.
Well, we've been together many years now and we're routined, so, if i drop to 50-70% it is totally ok of there is no penetration. I mean, that was the past, i want to be normally hard in the future.

Is it with you as well that you get erections during the day when GF/wife comes near you? It's working on me really eventful. GF comes close to me or she's looking good i get an erection while preparing food. Sorry for that weird info, but does anyone else experience the same while on reboot?

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #20 on: May 24, 2020, 07:48:31 AM »
Hey imsorrynotsorry,

I think that that is a perfectly normal response! It's your wife of course. I can sometimes get the weirdest erections from her. When she's near, or does something sweet or if i think about her in a loving non sexual way. I think that it indicates that you can also be emotionally aroused by her besided physically.

Great  that you are routined and that you can work around the not getting hard part and have fun other ways! Excellent point of view!
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #21 on: May 24, 2020, 03:41:34 PM »
Thank you Shade.

Today not much happened. I had quite much time with myself, was on the internet working through things. Also felt a little bit of that old mood coming up. Hard to express, but it was a bit the old thought of 'hey, you've totally earned a session of PMO'. Eh, for what did i earn the right to masturbate? There is no connection to it, can't see it.

Right now i'm proud that obviously i'm managing well and i did that in the past as well. So, what changed for me? In the past i PMO'd for a weekend, sometimes also during the week and didn't feel much of a disadvantage. Hmmm, what changed? Maybe it's just i can be super disciplined or i realized all the negative aspects of PMO and just decided in a rational way to let PMO go. So much to think about..... i believe i must stay long period away from it to make new PMO-free life experiences and hopefully i can say then: i dont want to loose that again.

Day 56:
- beer consumption got higher, two days i drank and i drank 3 or more. Have to follow this.
- chocolate consumption decreased
- urge to PMO 3/10, 'he' feels like he wants to O really bad. Have to avoid touching him unintentionally
- morning wood: today a 9/10, lasted very long. The other days only after waking up
- libido 5/10

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #22 on: May 25, 2020, 05:18:08 PM »
I thought someday i will be very special. Maybe that's something my mother told me when i was very young, because my parents divorced and the mother was feeling guilt. At some point it was like 'in the future it'll all perfect'. But then, nothing happened. I was bad at school and had no support at all, i totally failed. There was no ground of becoming sth special. And because i believed that this will come someday i turned to PMO for feeling good, until that special moment in my life comes where i think 'wow, i'm so special'. Or it was just the expectations for sth special to arrive.

I'm not sure about it. Maybe i never wanted to allow the thought of how unspecial i am and how worse my parents coped with all and replaced that with PMO, starting with 14, which would fit the timeline somehow.

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #23 on: May 26, 2020, 01:22:59 PM »
Today something came up in my mind.
I asked myself, what is the addiction replacing in me?
What could it be that i want to turn in to or that i want that i'm not able to become or get.

PMO gave me that excitement of sth great, deep pleasure, uncompareable which then washed away any other concerns or other troubles, for some minutes. Since i stopped i never got exactly in that moment of a relapse opportunity to really hear into my soul.

Maybe it's sth i do still have even though i've become a better person now. Meaning, if i would discover PMO nowadays, i wouldn't become addictive?! Just a thought i guess.

In 2 days i could reach 60 days, i feel confident to achieve.

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #24 on: May 27, 2020, 04:42:32 PM »
Situation with GF is bad the last days. Everyone lives his own life, seperately. We do talk and make plans, but i feel that i don't really care or don't want to. She told me so often just to listen, without giving my 'based of facts' or fastforward advices. Now i listen and feel that listening without interacting is giving me nothing to not much.
She asked me yesterday 'what is happening with us?' I think we're about to walk through a dark ally. In everyday life we do wonderful, but in greater perspective i have the feeling we didn't evolve. No kids, no house, no marriage and that after quite some years now. I could turn everything upside down, i have enough energy, but she needs all her energy on her daily life to manage. Hmm, strangely it doesn't affected me with the reboot yet.

Tomorrow 'big party' with the 60 days. I'll celebrate that with you guys.