Author Topic: Pushing back!  (Read 1521 times)

Chris Oz

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Pushing back!
« on: April 27, 2020, 11:04:12 AM »
Hey my name is Chris Owemz. I'm a new member of rebootnation. I joined today in my quest to deal with this addiction. I believe it ruining my life changing my character and turning me into someone I hate.

I'm 23 years old and I believe I started porn around 11 or so. I got introduced into it by a neighbor's friend who was older than me. And see how it stimulated my body, I began uso g it more...

But I'm committed to stop this and get my life in track, join me on my journey!

faenoe

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2020, 03:44:13 PM »
A warm welcome to you Chris! You will find a lot of support here in this community. I remember one of the most important things I learned when starting my recovery was understanding what porn is. Porn is ANY material or media that causes artificial sexual stimulation. With that as your measuring stick, it makes it a lot easier to avoid the slippery slope down to regret and relapse. Stay far away from anything on the internet that you view for sexual interest.

Best of luck to you on your journey!

Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2020, 09:53:49 AM »
Thanks faenoe.

Unfortunately, I relapsed this morning. It was my 3rd day of sobrierity. And it was mostly because I lurked in my middle circle (danger zone) activities.

I believe doing one or two outer circle activities (safe zone) as a goal would help

Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2020, 04:30:02 PM »
Day 1.
I'm doing great, had a big surprise for my cousin. Feeling stressed out and exhausted right now.
But today was awesome. Let me just try to sleep early

HumaNature

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2020, 11:06:07 AM »
Thanks for the encouragement before Chris, it helped for sure. Getting past the first few days can be a tough first hurdle. Keep in mind your reasons for doing this and like you said try to stick to outer circle activities tends to help build the best results with time. It'll be good to see your progress from here. Cheers!

Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #5 on: May 08, 2020, 12:09:22 PM »
Hey guys, so I lost this thread earlier, was trying to understand how to get it back to put some input in my journal. Thankfully, when I logged in today I saw it among the ones on top... Maybe because of a reply.

Anyways. I've been doing great. I don't know if I mentioned that I found a sobriety partner over here. It's nice go through this journey of recovery, figuring it out with someone.

It's Day 3.. For me. And I'd say I should be anxious.... In the last 7 relapses, about 5 of them has been on day 3....but Thankfully today has been free of urges, I  did my devotional today which always helps and rededicated myself to God....
I watched a movie too and I felt really great afterwards... It was a good movie. I love movies that show great levels of unselfishness. ( Outer circle activities)

I'd share my Boundaries with you guys tomorrow.

I realize I can't do this on my own. I need fellowship with both others and strength from above. I need to connect with a higher power than myself to conquer this.... And I find that in God.

So I hope to log in tomorrow with a great attitude thanking God for another 24 hours porn free.

Shout to humannature, keep fighting guys

Pushing back, Chris.

Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2020, 03:41:05 AM »
Chris here, Day 5

So I'm at day 5. But I don't really feel great about it. My goal here is no PMO, no porn... I'm doing that to the best of my knowledge but I think I'm doing something worse.

 Having masturbations are ok for me as far as I'm not doing it to porn or a moving material....

But I'm masturbating to something worse... And that's touch based masturbations. I mean I touch my cousin and feel her body while she's asleep and masturbate to it... It's so sickening. I feel like a horrible person. Gradually it's becoming an addiction.  It's hard to ignore the feeling and the voice at night when she's sleeping right beside me.

We play alot in the day time... which probably convinces me that I can at night. It's totally wrong I know. And that's why I need to stop completely, have more control.

I think porn addiction is trying to transform into something else...trying to come into my life in another way. It's probably me unconsciously finding an escape.
The funny thing is, as soon as I cum out... I stop. There's no further urge to continue.... Just like it used to be with porn.

I think this stems out of the fact that I have no sexual experience with women, never had a girlfriend and I'm a virgin.

May God help me. I think I'm gonna intensify my efforts through more prayers and time with God and try to take a cold bath maybe before sleeping. Have songs to distract my mind while I sleep; that helps. And sleep early..... This is the most important.

Mind you this is not something I want to run from, it's not something I should too. I need to own my own body... Cause running away would just lead to other problems in my future dating life and interaction with girls. I need to know how to have that control.. The more I win every night, the more it becomes a habit.. It feels more natural for me not to want to do so and I can sleep comfortably beside any woman without wanting to masturbate to her body. If I run from it and is faced with that situation with a someone attractive, then I'm in deep shit. So unlike porn, I'm going for control not running away.

Signing out...
Pushing back, Chris

Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #7 on: May 11, 2020, 02:02:19 AM »
Day 6....Yeah.

So I'm getting less attracted to porn, my meditation with my Bible app and devotional plan is helping me out as well as the constant drive to do something important making me less idle during the day. And you know what that means for us, no time for porn.

The night is where I've got o fight more. And currently it's a different fight from the day time.

Yesterday night, with regard to what I posted about the touch based masturbation act, I tried to win it, but it didn't go as planned.
I was doing pretty well until mosquitoes woke me up... It was like they had a plan for me last night.... And funny enough the girl in question started giving me signals and body suggestions to start touching and caressing her.. She has a binge on it too. And poor me with no strong resolution, I dived in slowly an ended up regretting cause there was no real satisfaction. It was just me pleasing her for most of the night ND she didn't return the favour.

I don't really care much about that. I want to stop for both of our sakes. And I have to get stronger for both of us. I'm the older one. We've never fucked though and are never going to cause of our strong fear of pregnancy and fucked up incest but...we really just want stimulation.... For me I think it's just as a withdrawal from porn. It's exactly the same feeling I get from porn. I'm just masturbating to something else and something real.

Anyways, still have that fighting spirit. I'd be pushing back with all my might.

Pushing back!
Chris

HumaNature

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #8 on: May 11, 2020, 06:46:25 AM »
Chris,

Hang in there, this thing distorts normal sexual behavior, desires, and standards. Keep pushing back. The only way to get out of this is through. "Mind you this is not something I want to run from..." you have a mindset you need in order to get through this thing. While what you've written about is concerning you seem aware that it isn't right and that you don't want to be doing it. My family had incest in it too and the sooner you get away from this behavior the better. Rely on God to show you the way, your own inner decency (which I believe is a connection to the divine) is telling you this is not behavior you want to continue. If it's possible to sleep in different rooms I'd say that's the next step to take to help combat this. It's a confusing and damaging thing, please be aware of that and take the action you can. It's up to you to say no and do what you know is right. I'm glad you found the thread again, and again keep pushing.

Rookie

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #9 on: May 11, 2020, 07:42:28 AM »
Greetings and welcome to the board. I'm a fellow Christian as well, and have fought and hated this sin for nearly 20 yrs...since the creation of high speed internet. Let's just be frank about this, it's going to have a strong, strong pull. Especially in the first 10 days.

If I can give a bit of advice, things that I have done, for the first part of my streak, cut off almost all internet, movies and mobile phone. If your cousin is a temptation, stay away. It's for her benefit as well. And you're right, this thing will turn you into something you're not.

The biggest things you can do, stay in your bible (I read between 4 - 12 chapters per day). Watch youtube videos from great preachers (Tim Conway, RC Sproul, Voddie Baucham, Steve Lawson, John MacArthur and the list goes on).

Keep yourself busy

And keep posting.

Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #10 on: May 13, 2020, 03:31:01 AM »
Day 8 porn free

Didnt sleep very well last night.... Slept late.... Feeling headache.

Was feeling ill yesterday but better today.
Had some middle circle activity when I remembered a hilarious comedic movie with a little erotic content from my child hood and browsed to know of it was still on the internet. Found it but reminiscing a little bit and after a while just let it go.... And just did my next favourite thing... Check my online football manager game and my pals here in the fellowship.

Keep pushing back
Chris.
« Last Edit: May 13, 2020, 04:47:39 AM by Chris Oz »

Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #11 on: May 14, 2020, 01:27:31 PM »
Day 9

I had lusty thoughts today... But managed to control it.

Masturbation for me is alright once un a while. As far as you're not actively doing with a porn material or something.

Yesterday night, I had a really bad urge and almost gave in to porn... I thought I was gonna do it till I remembered that part of my measures to cope in this critical moments so as not to revert to porn use is to just go jerk off. I found that I at some point I had thoughts of past porn scenes coming in... But that didn't matter much... As soon así had cum, the urge disappeared, I could think more straight and i hardly could even remember any of the little scenes that came into my head during it. Slowly they are fading away and the jet to continue that trend is not to allow myself freedom new porn material.

The reason why it happened majorly was because I had missed my meditation session through my devotional for that day;it's my way of connecting to my HP. And it seem the devil saw an opportunity to attack. And I only have myself to blame.

Today I haven't done so too... But I'd do it immediately I log out.

I pray for more success with sobrierity. Let's keep fighting.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #12 on: May 16, 2020, 07:23:09 AM »
Keep up the good work man! Very good that you are aware of what led to that urge so that you can change it in the future. Keep doing what you are doing, more and more of the positive and you'll beat this!

Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #13 on: May 16, 2020, 06:52:55 PM »
Day 12

Wow, I can't believe its been 3 days since I last posted. I almost gave up the day before yesterday

 It's early morning on Sunday. I hope to stay clean and porn free. It's a new week.

I'm having lots of things to do this week.…Trainings I need to prepare for, which is going to probably make me stressed and a little reliant on porn.

But I'd trust in God.

I haven't done my devotional in two days now... It's like I'm setting myself up for failure.

I'd do it when I wake up later today. On the brightside I'm going to be watching some rebootnation videos about porn this night.  ;D

Keep pushing back!
Chris

Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #14 on: May 17, 2020, 07:03:02 PM »
Day 13. I think I got the numbers wrong b4.... But it's alright

These past few days havent been easy but I'm still sober.
Haven't really been consistent with my devotional either but it's fairly Allright. We had a ice sermon with the house fellowship and I got to realize the value of prayers and God's intentions for his children. I feel blessed. A very demanding week ahead. I pray God gives me the strength to both fulfill my goals and also abstain from porn.

Keep pushing back!
Chris

Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #15 on: May 22, 2020, 01:18:24 PM »
Day 0.

So it's been a while I posted. I relapsed today after 17 days porn  free.

I came across a porn video on my whatsapp status and even though I had the chance not to look, I ended up looking after little middle circle activities here and there deciding if I should; them wet to a porn site and drenched myself there for a while.

I have not really been strong these past few week..... Been very stressed.... No much sleep during the nights. Been busy too. Probably contributed to this... I wasn't even consistent with my devotional.

But on the other hand.... This is the first time I've been this clean for as long as I remember and it is great to see how I progressed.

I'd try to put more heart into this.... And keep pushing.

Pushing back!
Chris




jixu

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #16 on: May 22, 2020, 06:05:00 PM »
Great job getting back on track!  Keep up with your devotions-that is crucial for direction and being fully-equipped.  He is merciful-keep going. 

Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #17 on: May 24, 2020, 01:50:08 AM »
Thanks man.

Unfortunately I relapsed today again.
I feel numb to my spiritual side.

I'm gonna embark on fasting and prayers this week to help me out.

Also my online trainings are starting this week. I gotta stay strong and look forward.

I have to come back stronger and refocus myself on this journey and remember it's a fight. On why I need to quit this, I need to fully remember why I'm quitting.  That's where my conviction and my fight starts ftom

I also need to look at my boundaries again and note what needs to get out or come in... I need to track my circles with much more clarity and carefulness too.

I'm going to begin my daily counter differently..... In the from of a 90 day challenge. I know it's like I'm dreaming out of the blues.... But I want to use it to boost my journey and act as an anchor for my focus.... I want to do a couple of things daily everyday.... For the next 90 days no matter how my day goes.

After the challenge, I'd stop counting and just note when I became free..... Cause I believe I've broken free from the porn use mentality and lack of self control. But I realize that it's easy to  get back to those habits if not checked..... I am still a recovering addict.

So that's my update... My challenge starts tomorrow.

Keep pushing back!
Chris
« Last Edit: May 24, 2020, 02:31:58 AM by Chris Oz »

Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #18 on: May 26, 2020, 03:05:46 PM »
Day 1

Hehe...so I'm one day late on my 90 day challenge. I relapsed yesterday every early in the morning and it was so embarrassing for me to say I failed on the first day

kopp

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #19 on: May 27, 2020, 02:40:31 AM »
You're stronger than that brother. Block those websites! (ColdTurkey on computers, Blocksite app on phone)

Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #20 on: May 27, 2020, 02:42:45 AM »
Wow, thanks... I'd check them out.

So I wanted to say my last two messages were cut off... Maybe because they were too long.. So I want resend the last one... Which was day 2 in shorter forms.

Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #21 on: May 27, 2020, 03:08:55 AM »
I don't know why my posts are cutting off... Tried posting them shorter.. Buts still. Any help?

kopp

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #22 on: May 27, 2020, 03:21:18 AM »
No idea, did they contain something weird? A forbidden link? The forum looks to be working for me

Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #23 on: May 27, 2020, 02:19:59 PM »
Day 2 of 90

This morning was hard for me. Had urges that had me browsing about sex dolls.

I was going through so many thoughts.... I wanted to find a way to help myself through masturbating but couldn't find a proper place as I was in my brothers home. I began stroking still.... I made a little prayer in my heart and the urges began to decline really well.

But the addict in me wanted a full blown out revelation from the curious thoughts in my mind. I began stroking... And it was only the reasoning that I had no spare pants here and I'd make a mess ; also as I was about to watch something like real porn with sex dolls .... And then I realize that once I click on the link in front of me... I wasn't gonna come back and my 90 daychallenge would be over....that's when there was a huge halt... And I found a way to just try to get myself to sleep.


Mehn what a night... The trigger was a young lady sleeping by my side who seemed sexy and things just began entering my mind.

I have to keep trying to beat this thing... I see how screwed my mind is. I'd just say I was out of the environment I'd normally be able to do something about it. I'm glad I stopped when I did.....

But there's so much to learn from this experience. I realize that t he act of thinking alone about other things directing the focus of your mind to something else like counting sheep or try to remember something vague or complicated... Just thinking helps!

Prayer helped... When u called out earnestly in my heart... It worked... The urges began declining

From what I learnt today here, coming here to read stories of people also in the fight, which helps me to realize how messed up and troublesome pornography is also helps!

Masturbation too has helped me in the past... But getting myself to turn to that direction... without the adrenaline pumping or hormone engulfed drive with watching porn is very difficult when I have the urges...


So my resolution or idea from all of this, to further help me on my path on this hour ey and challenge is this,

In those moments when I have all these urges that seems so uncontrollable, I'd make a pact with myself that, before I watch porn I'd get myself to do the three methods that worked today above :

- Prayers to My God, my HP for strength to overcome and a way out.... Could just be in my heart in those moments

- Thinking of the reasons why I want to stop all of this, why I'm in the challenge.

- Three coming here to read up stories to the very end of the thread


And then if afterwards I still have a full out boner... Then I'd watch porn, but if not and the urges are down, the boner is gone or/and Its just me willing myself back to my curious mind of wanting to watch porn... Then the deal is off... No porn, I'd call it quits and if I want to alleviate the pain or torture if missing something... I can decide to just go masturbated without any material of course.

For me, the idea is that I know or I'm trusting that the methods are fail safe and that it would surely get my urges down.... It's just al a fun idea of dealing with this and I feel it'd work and be cool.

From time to time, I'd add other methods that I need could help that I'd need to go through before deciding to help make them more fail safe.... I'm thinking cold baths but haven't tried it still

Well the idea is not that I'm putting all of my trust in this process to get me out of watching porn... If you watch it still depends on my trust in my HP and this community... But sometimes we just need practical ways to apply or make them much more real with our situations... You get?

Anyways hoping to have another porn free day again. Sorry for the long post, just had to share... So much learnt!

Keep pushing back man!

Chris Oz

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Re: Pushing back!
« Reply #24 on: May 27, 2020, 02:21:46 PM »
No idea, did they contain something weird? A forbidden link? The forum looks to be working for me

Figured it out. It was my use if smileys that was preventing me from being able to post.