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After a year...

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brokensoul:
I've been with my boyfriend just over a year.  He initially told me he wasn't a porn watcher.  Our first intimate evening there was no erection and he started yelling, "I don't need to deal with this shit"....etc.  I knew immediately he was a porn addict.  He then told me he was never really into it and hadn't even looked at porn in over a month.  Our sex life after a year is still odd.  He can rarely keep an erection and is never aroused by me visually.  There has to be a lot of foreplay to stimulate him and he still can't maintain an erection.  He said he was struggling with visual flashbacks and for the most part wouldn't look at me during sex.  Since all of this he admitted he has been a PA for about 20 years and has only had one other relationship that he had to watch porn in order to even have sex with his gf.  I believe he started this relationship with a lie.  I'm concerned at this point if he's been honest about not viewing porn during our relationship.  He recently added a blocker on his phone but it often disconnects.  His home computer stopped working a few months ago.  Is this normal to not be aroused for sex?  I'm a physique model and other men have literally told him when we were out together what a lucky guy he is.  He went months without ever complimenting me and he's finally engaging and enjoying touching.  How long does this recovery take?  Is "flashbacks" always a problem?  Will he regress?  Should I believe him?  After 3 other relationships with PA's I'm scared.  I never want to live that life again.  I've literally been through it all.  I constantly attract these guys.  I want a pornless relationship for once in my life.  If he lied to me in the beginning what does the future hold?  I feel he's honest now....at least I hope he is. 

Me:
What is he doing to reassure you he has changed?

ShadeTrenicin:

--- Quote from: brokensoul on April 03, 2020, 11:26:51 PM ---I've been with my boyfriend just over a year.  He initially told me he wasn't a porn watcher.  Our first intimate evening there was no erection and he started yelling, "I don't need to deal with this shit"....etc.  I knew immediately he was a porn addict.  He then told me he was never really into it and hadn't even looked at porn in over a month.  Our sex life after a year is still odd.  He can rarely keep an erection and is never aroused by me visually.  There has to be a lot of foreplay to stimulate him and he still can't maintain an erection.  He said he was struggling with visual flashbacks and for the most part wouldn't look at me during sex.  Since all of this he admitted he has been a PA for about 20 years and has only had one other relationship that he had to watch porn in order to even have sex with his gf.  I believe he started this relationship with a lie.  I'm concerned at this point if he's been honest about not viewing porn during our relationship.  He recently added a blocker on his phone but it often disconnects.  His home computer stopped working a few months ago.  Is this normal to not be aroused for sex?  I'm a physique model and other men have literally told him when we were out together what a lucky guy he is.  He went months without ever complimenting me and he's finally engaging and enjoying touching.  How long does this recovery take?  Is "flashbacks" always a problem?  Will he regress?  Should I believe him?  After 3 other relationships with PA's I'm scared.  I never want to live that life again.  I've literally been through it all.  I constantly attract these guys.  I want a pornless relationship for once in my life.  If he lied to me in the beginning what does the future hold?  I feel he's honest now....at least I hope he is.

--- End quote ---

Hey,

That's quite a story you've told here and first of all i think it's good of you to come to this forum to find help/information.

First of all, i am sorry to say that when a guy tells you he doenst watch porn he probably is lying. There have been tons of studies that indicate that nearly 100% of men watch it in some form. In fact some studies wanting to research porn usage actually had a lot of difficulty finding men who didn't want porn. It is a sad reality.

The reaction you described, leads me to believe  there is a lot of shame and anger  going on regarding sex/porn abuse. I can only guess about it since it is just one example.

About your question how long it takes i can only say it differs from person to person. Some guys can beat it in a couple of weeks, others take over a year. The process of rebooting is very, very tough and there can be quite an amount of withdrawal symptoms, which also differ from guy to guy.

Can you still trust him? No idea, i think the best question is if he can trust himself. If he truly is committed you can help him out by being supportive and maybe get him to visit this forum as well. Theres a good book called: "Your Brain On Porn" and there also is a very good youtube video about it called the great porn experiment: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU&t=4s

I hope this helps you go forward a bit. But also be honest with yourself about what you want out of this, because being with a PA is rough. So be honest to yourself and to him.

Good luck

MosesY:
28% of men are addicted to porn. If you have porn induced erectile dysfunction (PIED) it can take up to a year or more for the function to come back after quitting porn. He has to want to quit; you can't make him. Men just get better at hiding their porn use. The book "Your Brain on Porn" was suggested, it is very good and available as a digital download. Reading this book helped me quit porn because I understood what it was doing to my brain.

brokensoul:
Well as implied....yes he has been lying our entire relationship.  Porn use for over 20 years without a partner and apparently PMO is more exciting and fulfilling than sex with a partner.  Now I know why he's had anger outbursts and ED.  He hardly ever complimented me even when guys told him he was a lucky guy.  I felt invisible.  He says physical touch is strange to him and at first made him uncomfortable.  I've read YBOP and personally met Gary Wilson.  My guy is now on RN and reading up on everything determined to be "normal".  This PA is so bizarre to me.  How a man can prefer to view someone's bad life decisions compiled with bad acting and a bunch of genitals over some hot and heavy sex with their significant other.  I'm literally baffled. Being a quiet, shy type he started implying he wanted group sex etc.  I knew it was porn brain since I've dated 2 PA in the past.  I'm a PA magnet for some reason.  He wants to marry me.  Supposedly.  I am trying to support him as best I can.  I have all the tools and have read all the books.  He seems to seriously be trying and said he hasn't used porn for 5 months just tons of fantasy and flash backs.  I'm so grateful for this forum it is the only thing keeping me sane right now.  I can't stop crying it is tearing me apart. 

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