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Not sure

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Mango:
I recently discovered that my husband has been viewing porn online, I am unsure if he would be considered addicted to porn and would like to hear what everyone thinks.

When I was on his device I came across over 200 different sites that he had been on.

After my initial shock I asked him if he had been looking at porn and he said no, I pushed the issue and he finally admitted he had looked a porn a couple of times. He then shut the conversation down and changed the subject . A few days later I brought the subject up again and asked why he did it and the only answer was ‘I don’t know ‘. I told him how it made me feel and that I considered it cheating, he looked at me with genuine shock that I felt this way and promised that he would not do it anymore.

He made it sound like he only did it one or two times but with over two hundred tabs open on his device with porn I new it wasn’t true. I have checked on his phone and there are porn sites in the history there going back 3 years.

I am unsure how to bring the subject up again with him and getting the truth.
He has obviously been lying to me for years and is very good at it.


 

Arantxa:
If the feeling is still incomplete, better to ask him again, what he thinks the root issue is and encourage him to develop a proactive plan with action steps. ..no change of topic and straight to the point!

Gracie:
It is difficult to talk about.  This has information for both user of porn and their partner. 
markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com.  He also wrote a book with Geoff Steurer, Love You, Hate the Porn.  These are the two thing that got my husband and I to start healing.  You can PM me as well. 

ShadeTrenicin:
Hi,

First of all I'm sorry that you had to find out this way and that he is avoiding the subject. He probably is very ashamed about it.
And that you consider it cheating is something that he probably never thought of, since he does not see it like that.

I am not saying if it is wrong or right, that is something that you two need to decide for yourself.

What I can tell you is that he probably knows there is a problem but is ashamed of it. What you could try is to start that talk by being understanding. If it really is an addiction then you are both victims. And being husband and wife this can be a great ordeal to work through. But although he wronged you from your perspective, this is something that you can fight together. Him having your support can be a real stimulant for him to talk about it and trying to stop.

I have to say that a lot of what i've written is based on assumptions and thing read. I do not know the actual situation you and your husband are in.

So my only advice would be to talk to him and make him feel that you still got his back. That can be a powerfull first step toward healing together.


Good luck, i hope you work it out

Simonly:
Hi Mango,

I'm sorry to read about the shock and pain you are going through.

My wife discovered my porn addiction when she actually caught me in the act, literally … in front of the computer in my study, the zip of my trousers open, while fixated at the screen.

She said that she had suspicions that I was indulging, and that it was "just a matter of time before she found out".

She was going out twice a week in the evening to a keep fit class, and even before she left the house, I had the computer started up so that as soon as I heard the front door close, I was "off the starting blocks" as so to speak.

Except on that one particular occasion, I heard the door shut, but she didn't leave … instead waiting a few minutes before creeping back up the stairs, and surprising me.  I was so fixated with what was happening in front of me, that I didn't even hear her.

In the same way that after a "naughty schoolboy" had been found out misbehaving, denial was also my first line of defence … "I don't normally do it!" … "This was the first time!" … "I was curious!", etc.  All which were lies.

I can understand that you are shocked and angry.  My wife was.  I knew what I was doing was wrong, but like you husband, I couldn't explain why I was doing it.  The addiction takes "a tight grip" over an addict with a powerful force.

From your perspective, the first thing you are going to have to do is decide on the outcome you want to achieve for the sake of your marriage, and your family.

The more times that my wife "put me under the spotlight" and "demanded answers", the more I simply clambed up and we couldn't talk about it.  Had she walked out on me, I would have fully understood, but the prospect of her telling family and friends, filled me with a felling of shame and guilt.

The first step for me was to accept that I had a problem, and that it was impacting other people.  That's where my wife was tolerant and supportive.  I was ultimately given the proposition of "you've {meaning me} have got to sort this out".  Ultimately it is the addict that has to change their behaviour voluntarily.

Me and my wife did go for counselling, having sessions individually, and as a couple to help address other issues that were affecting our marriage, and which were fuelling my addiction at that time.  The sessions did help me, but I have since gone on a journey of self discover to unravel the history of why I was drawn towards porn in the first place.

As far as I'm aware, none of our family or friends know about my addiction.  There have been a few times when we have been to parties and my wife has got a bit "tipsy" from the drink, and has made a few remarks about "husbands watching porn".  I'm not fully ready, and not sure if I ever will be, to declare openly to the outside world that I was an addict.  The stigma never goes away.

To summarise, I am recovering from the addiction, and there is mutual trust between me and my wife regarding the addiction, but our relationship has … and never will be, the same even though we are "weathering the storm".

Good Luck.  I hope this helps.

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