Author Topic: One Day at a Time Journal  (Read 891 times)

J000123757

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Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #25 on: May 21, 2020, 11:13:49 AM »
Day 2

Last night I got plenty of rest and feel encouraged today. I am implementing a new rhythm of life I aim to adhere to as seriously as one can in a season like this. I’m encouraged to have friends around me. About to head to an unofficial support group.

***if anyone knows of an open, online PAA group would you mind posting it?

J000123757

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Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #26 on: May 22, 2020, 10:39:30 AM »
Day 3

I’m feeling good about the rhythm of life I am in. My sleep has been better for 2 nights in a row now.

Yesterday I was around friends and one of the sisters of the friends was there who I find incredibly attractive. It is tempting because she has made respectful but flirty advances. I am not tempted to hookup with her since there are so many consequences. I would lose a lot of respect at my school and most importantly she would be reaffirmed that her body Isherwood most valuable currency. -something she already struggles with.

So, the greatest temptation is to fantasize about her in my head, try and have her be more attracted to me, and PMO when I get home. I recognize the fetishizing and objectification involved with this sort of way of life and I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to e the kind of person who re ignites that someone is attractive and attracted to me, and if it’s not a good relationship to get involved in, I can simply recognize the tension and move past it. 

Yesterday, I think I mostly accomplished that goal. Today I hope to do the same.

Day 3 is normally an easy day for me but it seems my brain is more starved for dopamine due to the pandemic. I will be keen on getting out of the house today and working out.

J000123757

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Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #27 on: May 23, 2020, 11:12:37 AM »
Day 4

Today I’m starting a little slower than normal which is okay. My friends sister has left for a few days which I am glad to not have to more consistently deal with those temptations at the moment. I am already feeling consistent thoughts about PMO. My brain has been wired this way for so long that starving it will be very difficult. In a day or two I should start to feel more acute pulls to PMO and today is the day I typically start tempting myself with pictures, or unchecked fantasies, etc.

Today my goal is to be in control of my thought life. When a thought inevitably comes up I will acknowledge it, thank God for sexual desire and for the ability hold off on it, then change thoughts.

Jeks

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Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #28 on: May 23, 2020, 01:25:35 PM »
Against fantasizing i try to focus on my surroundings and try to think about stuff i see around me. For example when seeing a cup, i think about how a cup is made, what i can drink out of it, maybe tea, what types of tea do i like, what types of tea do i dont like, why is that, maybe there are bitter, what else has a bitter taste... You see where this is going. I try to think about other stuff until i feel like i passed the "rabbit hole" (its called the rabbit hole technique, i have got it from the " brain rebalanced radioshow" on youtube).
Its called rabbit hole, because when you start to scoop around in it too much, you loose yourself. So following this analogy it is important to apply this technique as soon as you become aware of triggering thoughts and fantasy. The more you dwell on those, the more difficult it will become to get out of the rabbit hole, which ultimately can lead to stronger cravings and potential relapsing.

Wish you the best of luck.

jhonjordan

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Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #29 on: May 23, 2020, 01:30:27 PM »
Hi!!

Most importantly, you are trying again. I know you will achieve your goal of 28 days !!

J000123757

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Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #30 on: May 24, 2020, 11:34:32 PM »
Thanks Jeks I’m going to try that for sure.

I appreciate the support J Jordan.


J000123757

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Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #31 on: May 24, 2020, 11:38:58 PM »
Day 5

Today was a good day. I had less on my plate and took the time to rest and catch up with friends. Order in my schedule has become more and more important.

A mixture of the lack of touch cause of pandemic and a commitment to nofap likely is causing me to long for more physical touch than normal. I find myself wanting to simply touch or cuddle up with friends much more than normal. I’m glad to have those desires I’m sorry they can’t be met now.

I know this could be a trigger to try and run from unmet desires with porn. Of course, PMO won’t actually give me what I want I know it will simply numb the personal realities of life. It feels very human to want physical touch and I am glad to experience that.

I look forward to a FaceTime I have tomorrow with a mentor and also spending time with friends. Cheers to another day!

J000123757

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Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #32 on: May 25, 2020, 11:55:50 PM »
Day 6

Today was a great day. I had a good call with some friends and was able to spend time with more. I am really recognizing how crucial meeting up with friends in person can be. My day is easier to fill up and I feel connected and more hopeful which counteracts my normal triggers of sadness, hopelessness, and acute self-criticism.

I am aware the one week mark is usually when my brain starts lying to me that I need PMO to be normal again. It is also a time when I can be overly confident and forget the basics (don’t scroll to people’s profiles, don’t look at Twitter mindlessly, etc).

Today I am grateful for friendship and another day of no-fap. I am hoping that tomorrow I may rise to any occasion that comes my way and do one more day.

J000123757

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Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #33 on: May 26, 2020, 11:09:35 PM »
Day 7

Today was a great day. Maybe one of the least tempting days I’ve had in awhile because I was so busy and always with people.

However, I said something that made a friend upset at night. I talked through it with my roommate and it doesn’t sound like I was wrong but some reconciliation is in order. That is both stressful and potentially triggering if it does not go well. When I have had relational stress and especially if I feel someone is being unreasonable or placing more blame on me than is truthful then I can experience triggers to simply escape the complicated situation or the uncomfortable feelings.

I hope the conversation does take place tomorrow and we are both reasonable, honest, and truthful. I hope even if she does not respond in ways I wish then I can recognize I did my best and leave the outcome to her.


J000123757

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Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #34 on: May 28, 2020, 12:28:03 AM »
Day 8

Today was a good day. I again had plenty of time with friends and when I was feeling the beginning points of sadness I reached out to a friend and was able to get time with them. Also, the hard conversation I had with someone went very well. They were receptive and honest and aap quite humble. I am grateful for that.

With the murder of George Floyd I am experiencing some stress and more than enough frustration that is being built up from friends’ social media posts especially. My ptsd symptoms can lead me to wa t to escape and I felt that desire tonight. Thankfully it was so late that I couldn’t really PMO without staying up super late.

Tomorrow I’m going to an action and I hope I can stay self-regulated while there. I think I can.
I am shocked by how little I’ve been tempted in the past week, but much of that is due to my constant interactions with friends I know. The challenges are still there and it’s very important not to get overly confident around this time. Cheers to one more day though!

J000123757

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Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #35 on: May 28, 2020, 11:56:04 PM »
Day 9

Today was a hard day. I went through much more stress and some ptsd symptoms while planning an event and being around others who were clearly frazzled by the George Floyd’s murder and the continual uprising in Minneapolis. I was extremely tempted to just give in and look at porn to get out of the stress.

I believe I would have PMO’d if I did not have a dinner with friends scheduled. Instead of looking at porn I worked out. I get much more relaxed afterwards and was able to be present for a friend who needed help.

I am really seeing how crucial friendships are for my sobriety. Not just that I feel appreciated, which does help, but also that my schedule is full and I can’t look at porn when I am around people. It has been so vital over the past 9 days to simply have events I have to go to. While today was extremely trying, it was a clean day. I am very grateful for this day because it could have so easily been wasted with hours of PMO and hiding.