Author Topic: Resolved to conquer this  (Read 2596 times)

Joel

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #50 on: September 02, 2020, 11:48:20 AM »
My mind feels clearer, quieter and less inclined to seek out constant entertainment.  Totally recommitting to the bedtime by 11:30 rule.


yep, a totally important part of the process
and yep, rules and systems, and recommitting to them is important too! feel free to report back with some accountability :)

Leonidas

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #51 on: September 08, 2020, 02:41:53 PM »
yep, a totally important part of the process
and yep, rules and systems, and recommitting to them is important too! feel free to report back with some accountability :)
Joel, sometimes we all need to just follow some rules.  Otherwise, what will we do with all that freedom?  :P

Signing back in after a week absence. Had a minor MO lapse last Wednesday evening, but so far so good.. I've managed to keep the MO's on a diet this month.  A quick average of my MO count each month between May and August would probably round to about 10 (a month), which is a lot.  I would like to lessen the load (no pun intended) and help regain momentum.  If I can half that amount this month, it would be a huge step forward!

One little caveat.  From last Thursday onward, I have been 'gaming'.  I don't care for that word... I don't consider myself a 'gamer'.  But once a season I happen to indulge in some playtime for a couple of days, then remove the game and go dry for several months.  This new stretch has gone for about 5 days, and I believe my brain won't let me go until I have this last one-off tonight.  Then I'll kiss it goodbye.. Reason I mention this?  The ritual has been interfering with my sleep time, which is going against my very own advice to self!  And although I have stayed away from any MO'ing, I cannot help but think of this oft-quoted saying:
"Trading one addiction for another."

I don't think I'm an addict, but to be clear I do think the late binge on games is yet another tool that I use to self-soothe.  For once I stop using it, the brain will try to employ its wizardry to nudge me to self-medicate with the MO or worse with a full blown P-relapse.

UKGuy

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #52 on: September 08, 2020, 03:41:18 PM »
Your gaming point is an interesting one Leon. I occasionally indulge (my daughter got me into Fortnite - that’s all I play, even though she’s now moved on!) I am undecided whether playing helps or hinders my PMO progress. In some aspects it gets me ‘wired’ in a way that has some similarities to porn or chat, but there have been other occasions where I have been tempted with PMO and the choice to game instead has eradicated the PMO urge by providing alternative stimuli. Whatever the answer, I agree that taking breaks is beneficial so good luck with your last blast for a while, and readjusting to life without it, including your MO ‘diet’. Take care.

TheNorman

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #53 on: September 08, 2020, 08:01:01 PM »
Leo and UK you can count me in as someone who has binged on games too. Rocketleague was a big one for me. Mercifully they pulled the plug on Mac support and that took care of that (although I did toy around with modding my mac or getting a PC!). Like UK said, if you can indulge in games without going too wild and it's keeping you away from PMO then I say go for it!

LetItGoAlready

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #54 on: September 08, 2020, 10:44:24 PM »
Hey Leonidas-Good for you for recognizing that you might be crossing a healthy boundary here. I recently started playing Age of Empires Definitive Edition but had to pull back when I began cannibalizing sleep because of it. No doubt in my mind it's trading one addiction for another. Who knows, maybe it's all connected. It could just be another clever scheme by your brain to kickstart your sputtering PMO cycle again. Nothing would surprise me at this point!

Leonidas

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #55 on: September 09, 2020, 10:17:15 AM »
As I had promised myself, yesterday was the last evening I indulged in the game.  6 hours of sleep later, I am now perfectly okay with removing it from the system and moving on to better things.  The trick here is not to worry too much about a potential next gaming binge... I hope I won't need it, but if I do, I'll see how to best deal with it.

New day, new challenges.  Also, looking forward to recover better sleeping habits.  Overall mood right now is not the best, but could be worse..

Your gaming point is an interesting one Leon. I occasionally indulge (my daughter got me into Fortnite - that’s all I play, even though she’s now moved on!) I am undecided whether playing helps or hinders my PMO progress. In some aspects it gets me ‘wired’ in a way that has some similarities to porn or chat, but there have been other occasions where I have been tempted with PMO and the choice to game instead has eradicated the PMO urge by providing alternative stimuli. Whatever the answer, I agree that taking breaks is beneficial so good luck with your last blast for a while, and readjusting to life without it, including your MO ‘diet’. Take care.
Isn't it strange how such simple things can reel us in and yet, teenagers pass through them like a tornado moving northwards!  At this point I'm uncertain as to whether the two 'indulgences' are tied.  Like you said, gaming has had that effect of thwarting the odd PMO craving.  But it gives me the sense that gaming fills the void left behind by MO avoidance.  And if I remove gaming then.. something else would need to fill it in its place.  It's a loop: when will I be satisfied?

Fortnite has been on the news, so pretty much everyone has heard of it... but it operates like most other games: built to be addictive.  Indulgences are fine from time to time, but not everyone is able to handle games like a proper hobby.  It can soon blow over into prolonged hours-long sessions daily.  So I believe judgment as to completely sidestep or not depends on whether there is control over the activity.  I don't think I exercise complete control over gaming, I'm afraid...

Leo and UK you can count me in as someone who has binged on games too. Rocketleague was a big one for me. Mercifully they pulled the plug on Mac support and that took care of that (although I did toy around with modding my mac or getting a PC!). Like UK said, if you can indulge in games without going too wild and it's keeping you away from PMO then I say go for it!
Hey TheNorman, if it took a change of system support to get you to stop, then imagine the power that thing actually did exercise on the mind!  I would be an absolute addict if I had ever been exposed to it.  For me, negotiating that fine line between enjoying and over-indulging is blurry business... like adding an extra challenge that isn't really necessary.  I think the most important question regarding gaming is this: "How do I feel right after I finish gaming?  Do I feel good, uplifted, proud, satisfied?  Or is it something like: indolent, apathetic and bored?"  And I think that's the crux of it: gaming feels good in the moment, but once it's over it feels like 'meh'!

Hey Leonidas-Good for you for recognizing that you might be crossing a healthy boundary here. I recently started playing Age of Empires Definitive Edition but had to pull back when I began cannibalizing sleep because of it. No doubt in my mind it's trading one addiction for another. Who knows, maybe it's all connected. It could just be another clever scheme by your brain to kickstart your sputtering PMO cycle again. Nothing would surprise me at this point!
LetItGoAlready, I believe you and I share a few things in common!  Losing sleep over the odd gaming binge.  A penchant for ancient warfare strategy games (and probably a love of ancient history too).  And of course recognizing the game binges for what they are.  I don't know if the reason for gaming is the brain hacking away for some extra hits of dopamine.  I doubt it in my case... because it would not explain why I indulge once every few months rather than needing it every day.  For me it's the escape from the real world, a way to forget who I am for a minute and just wallow in a different world.. I mean what is there not to love about the Chi-Rho shields of the Byzantine Romans!  But back to the real world, I recognize it as a fantasy escape, it's not wrong per se... but it is also saying to me: "find something to do that'll make life a thrill to live".

Leonidas

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #56 on: September 10, 2020, 08:47:57 AM »
One week mark PMO-free

Much better sleep last night.  But like you guys in the comments above warned me, the lack of 'game' may call up another dopamine-producing ritual.  I don't want to be on my guard.. as being on guard is adding extra stress I don't need.  Just being aware helps.  I know my brain's infinite capacity for seeking refuge and self-soothing behaviors.. which may sound hopeless, but at same time, it means there must be capacity for learning to cope with less stimulating conditions.

Otherwise, social life is a bit barren at the moment.  Keep communicating with one friend living out of town about twice a week.  Another friend living in proximity I haven't spoken to in almost 6 months, probably due to laziness on both parts and my mistaking his tight schedule with work n' family as having NO time to talk to me.  Then there is that friend I haven't spoken to for 3-4 years (what a disaster), again due to drifting out of touch.  Socially, I find I'm like the twig that constantly manages to separate itself from the blob of river branches to follow the wayward course downstream.  No social sticking power.  I know can change this, but at the moment I'm just disappointed by the state of affairs.

Leonidas

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #57 on: September 14, 2020, 08:04:10 PM »
Reporting a lapse.  Over-powering feeling of lust emerged mixed in with old fantasy playing out in my head... something I would describe as 'acting out inside my own head'.  The bad: 2 MO releases, which brings my MO count to 4 this month.  The good: 11 days without stimulation of any kind.  Anything above 10 days for me is worthy of praise, so that I feel encouraged to repeat the process.  Also good: on day 10 I really wanted to give in to the fantasy, but when I suggested to myself that if there is no urgency to act on it now (then why act?), I was able to dispel the urge.  Unfortunately for me, it came back the next day and here I am.

I also noticed something interesting: right after the relapse I felt a strong need to play a game!  So I played a few online chess matches.  Still, I feel like indulging in my go-to game tonight.  I might just do a one-off and be done with it.  But I have definitely noticed that post-relapse I am vulnerable to other coping mechanisms (as though gaming is a way to 'undo' the sour feelings that precede and follow the fantasy act-out).

Looking forward to pulling off another string of days without stimulation.  It was too early to tell, but I believe things do re-calibrate at around days 9-10 for me.

UKGuy

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #58 on: September 15, 2020, 03:00:18 AM »
I admire the way that you are not overly hard on yourself after a relapse Leonidas, but objective about the situation.
Did you decide to take any action regarding your friends and social connections following you post on the 10th? It felt like you had identified some good insights - especially around friends 2 and 3, but I guess the real benefit is in then acting on those insights? Good luck whatever you decide.

Leonidas

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #59 on: September 16, 2020, 06:37:03 PM »
I admire the way that you are not overly hard on yourself after a relapse Leonidas, but objective about the situation.
Did you decide to take any action regarding your friends and social connections following you post on the 10th? It felt like you had identified some good insights - especially around friends 2 and 3, but I guess the real benefit is in then acting on those insights? Good luck whatever you decide.
Thanks for the kind words, UK.  I have internally decided that I do want to contact them.  Haven't done so thus far, and I attribute that failure to indolence.  I am needing to gather up some more energy, as I have been out of focus lately.

I'll be taking a short 4-day break from everything.  Given the low number of hours of work I have as it is and my recent mental fog/rut, I'll be resetting my brain from all things PC.  No e-mails, no online forums, no working and no looking and applying for jobs, etc.. Just time off to sleep, rest, walk outdoors, read, reflect and hopefully call up friends I haven't spoken to in a while.  Until Monday, then!

TheNorman

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #60 on: September 16, 2020, 07:14:40 PM »
Enjoy the time Leo. I know it will be good for you.

Joel

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #61 on: September 20, 2020, 11:37:18 AM »
Sounds great, Leo. Unplug from the Matrix - I think that's where I real lives and creativity are waiting for us!

Leonidas

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #62 on: September 21, 2020, 09:43:18 AM »
Thank you very much for the support, guys.  :)  Joel, I think you're right on about the creativity part.  When circumstances simplify, it enables free thinking.

The break was as necessary as it was replenishing.  Strange that I never thought of pulling this off before, but yeah, who would have thought that a little break from everything can buy time for the brain for a little healing.  I averaged about 2 hours of walking or more along riverside nature trails... it's not always easy finding green spots in the city but they are there if one takes the trouble to explore.  But have to insist on this: there is nothing more glorious than a brisk morning walk in spaces surrounded by trees and shrubbery.  There is NO ultimate goal... asides from enjoying the moment outside and taking in lung-fulls of clean air.  It did help that I was lucky enough to enjoy the company of the sun throughout these days.

Now that I am tentatively working myself back into the Tech world, I wonder if there could be a way for me to extend contact with nature.  I am considering a 2-hour walk in the afternoon.  It's done me good so far, so why not roll with it?  True, there will be rainy days... and the cool autumn is creeping in, by the by.  But perhaps that should not matter much in the grand scheme of things?  I welcome the opportunity of being confronted by "uncomfortable" elements... after all comfort is mostly something we inherited from 20th century advances... our ancestors were probably just bravely fighting off the cold winds with whatever woollen shawls they could procure!

Oh and it's day 7 for me.  Onward.