Author Topic: Freedom  (Read 937 times)

addictnomore

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 15
    • View Profile
Freedom
« on: July 03, 2020, 04:54:20 PM »
After more than 35 years of increasing addiction, I feel like I have hit rock bottom. PMO has been part of my daily routine since I found my dad's Penthouse in the sixth grade. But I can't do it anymore. All the wasted time, the shame, the secrecy. Porn is my drug, and I'm deeply addicted.

It has gotten so bad that I feel like there's nowhere to go but up. Unless I quit, my only other option is to surrender and accept that this is my life, shattered and dark. I'm on day 3, and when the urges come, sometimes I'm tempted to do just that, surrender.

For those of you who have been porn free for awhile, is it worth it? Will I feel different? I don't know what a porn-free life would be like. I have never experienced it.

Did I use porn today? No
What were my triggers? Boredom, habit, sadness thinking about the toll porn has taken on my life
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? walking, healthy lunch, spending time in nature
What am I grateful for today? hope
Day counter! 3
« Last Edit: July 04, 2020, 08:26:58 PM by addictnomore »

Rookie

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 151
    • View Profile
Re: Is quitting worth it?
« Reply #1 on: July 03, 2020, 11:25:09 PM »
Greetings and welcome to the board. If you wouldn't mind, give us a bit more background so we know where you're coming from. There are no doubt some issues you WILL have while doing your reboot. So if we know a bit more about you (no names, locations, jobs....) but how you got addicted, triggers, streaks...that way, when the urges hit, and you post your victories or struggles, someone on the board here might be able to really connect with what you're going through and post an encouragement.

And about whether or not it's worth it? If you would ask someone that was addicted to meth, for years and finally they kicked it, they would answer yes. Same here. Many report more energy, more focus, more desire for life, more drive and ambition.

If you haven't seen the site yourbrainonporn I would highly recommend it. There's also a book with that title. It explains a lot.

I'm not going to go in too many details here yet, I'll let you do more research. But what I can say, is it's hugely worth it, and post often. Use this as your journal. Read some of ours. You'll quickly see, you're about to go through a very, very hard patch...but when you get to the other end...and start seeing victories...it's a huge win.

Looking forward to seeing more posts.

addictnomore

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 15
    • View Profile
Re: Is quitting worth it?
« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2020, 11:59:50 PM »
If you wouldn't mind, give us a bit more background so we know where you're coming from.

Thanks for the reply. So, more about me. I'm late 40s, gay, single, no kids. I've got a great job, and overall have been successful educationally and professionally. I have a loving family and many people who care about me. I have been single for most of my life, which contributes to my porn use and is also probably caused by it.

I live alone and don't have a lot of hobbies and don't socialize much. So, I get bored a lot and revert to my favorite activity, PMO. I enjoy PMO, always have, but over the last 6 months the time I spend and the intensity of my use has become overwhelming. Quarantine has made it even worse. I spend at least 3 hours a day (often longer) PMO. I'm either working or PMO. I have few other things that occupy my time. In many ways, porn is my world. I live in an artificial reality.

Last week, I hit rock bottom. I decided to go hard mode cold turkey... deleted all of my porn, canceled all of my website subscriptions, and installed porn blockers on my laptop and mobile devices. I have nothing to tempt me other than the knowledge that I can turn off my porn blockers to go to my favorite sites.

I'm finishing up day 3, and I am proud of myself. I was very tempted today, but I was able to resist the urges and they subsided. I have been depressed as I think about how porn has ravaged my life... and without my trusty friend PMO I have to feel the sadness. I don't have an easy escape.

I know there are challenging times ahead, but the alternative to quitting is surrender. And I don't want to do that. I have a glimmer of hope.





« Last Edit: July 04, 2020, 12:56:27 AM by addictnomore »

addictnomore

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 15
    • View Profile
Re: Is quitting worth it?
« Reply #3 on: July 04, 2020, 01:51:46 AM »
Relapse

So not worth it, but I guess I had to touch the hot burner just to satisfy my curiosity. I also discovered another trigger. I've been watching NoFap videos on YouTube throughout the day. What finally sent me over the edge a video of a man talking about relapse, his feelings before and after. I found him attractive, and hearing him talk about sex pushed my buttons.

Oh well. Tomorrow is a new day.





addictnomore

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 15
    • View Profile
Re: Freedom
« Reply #4 on: July 05, 2020, 08:12:15 PM »
So, I'm going to start again tomorrow (Monday). New week, fresh start. I relapsed, but the "spell" of porn has been broken for me, and I'm very sad as I think about the role it has played in my life.

Wish me luck!

TheNorman

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 19
    • View Profile
Re: Freedom
« Reply #5 on: July 06, 2020, 09:24:13 AM »
You can do this!

addictnomore

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 15
    • View Profile
Re: Freedom
« Reply #6 on: July 06, 2020, 04:49:30 PM »
I feel really sad as I reflect on the role porn has played in my life... all the wasted time, how my brain has changed, the darkness. Did any of you feel that way when you started your reboot? Does it go away after awhile?

TheNorman

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 19
    • View Profile
Re: Freedom
« Reply #7 on: July 06, 2020, 05:40:43 PM »
I'm just starting my own journey and I definitely feel waves of grief. Sad about all the lost time, all the way my thoughts and actions were clouded by porn. How badly it affected my relationship. How disappointed I felt in my self constantly because of it. But I also feel this incredible lucidness, like I can see things so clearly now. I feel like maybe I'm on the other end of things: feeling so good about a lot of things that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

addictnomore

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 15
    • View Profile
Re: Freedom
« Reply #8 on: July 08, 2020, 12:44:50 AM »
Day 1 restart after relapse is successfully in the books. I really didn't have much interest in POM today because I feel disgusted by it all. Now that the "spell" is broken, I feel sad and regretful about the role that porn has played in my life. Today, that feeling was overwhelming, and it made me sick just to think about it.

UKGuy

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 258
    • View Profile
Re: Freedom
« Reply #9 on: July 08, 2020, 04:13:24 AM »
Hi addictnomore and welcome to the forum. I can relate very much to your opening post and the hopelessness. I am 47 and was trying for decades to kick the habit, normally falling at the 7-10 day mark. I have been improving my plan to overcome the addiction for many years, but without too much success. A couple of things changed in the past 6-9 months that did finally bring around a notable improvement, as pieces of the jigsaw started to come together for me.
1) I found a podcast called 'The Porn Free Podcast' - full of useful tips and so many episodes you can listen to one every day and not run out
2) I joined this group - prompted by the above podcast that spoke of the power of social connection and accountability being essential ingredients for recovery (I was thinking of attending SA but then Covid struck!)

The learning and improvement in my approach that has come from point 2 has been immense, but as important has been the sense of community and mutual support which has boosted my self esteem incredibly - both in giving and receiving support.

Last week I hit 90 days completely clean of PMO and MO. I posted my reflections and learnings in the 'success stories' section on the forum if you want to take a look (albeit I am not declaring a success - every day as it comes!). That post is probably the best way I can answer your 'is it worth it?' question (Spoiler: a resounding YES).

Good luck with your own journey and welcome once again.
« Last Edit: July 08, 2020, 04:16:04 AM by UKGuy »
Live with areté, focus on what you control, take responsibility = Eudaimonia.

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=18284.0

addictnomore

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 15
    • View Profile
Re: Freedom
« Reply #10 on: July 08, 2020, 05:05:52 AM »
@UKGuy, I just read your success story. Congratulations! Lots of food for thought.

Good luck on your journey. Wish me luck today! I'm having a serious urge at the moment. I'm going to use your 6 steps to see if I can resist it.

addictnomore

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 15
    • View Profile
Re: Freedom
« Reply #11 on: July 08, 2020, 05:09:02 AM »
One thing I'm noticing is that when I don't PMO, I feel my emotions more clearly... particularly sadness. When PMO is an option, I can cut off sadness by going down the porn wormhole. Porn lets me "forget" all of my problems. It numbs me.

Right now, I feel very sad and would like to cry. Normally, I would just find a site and start PMO. Without that crutch, I have to ride the wave of my feelings.

UKGuy

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 258
    • View Profile
Re: Freedom
« Reply #12 on: July 08, 2020, 05:24:27 AM »
I can relate to that feeling too - I am frequently emotional since being on this journey. BUT - is that not a good thing? To live, to feel - both happiness and sadness, the full spectrum of emotions. For me, I've been running away from them for large chunks of my life - self worth, shame etc. I'm happy now to be a more authentic version of myself, and if I get a little teary as part of that process, then so what! Ride that wave my friend - you're alive!
« Last Edit: July 08, 2020, 06:50:53 AM by UKGuy »
Live with areté, focus on what you control, take responsibility = Eudaimonia.

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=18284.0

Joel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 116
    • View Profile
Re: Freedom
« Reply #13 on: July 08, 2020, 12:23:06 PM »
welcome to the forum, bud. Sounds like some good work and self awareness going on here. Look forward to hearing about your progress.

addictnomore

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 15
    • View Profile
Re: Freedom
« Reply #14 on: July 10, 2020, 09:34:01 PM »
So, I have bad news, kind of good news, and great news.

I'll start with the bad news. I relapsed almost as soon as I got started again. The good news, even after the relapse, my use is down by at least 50%. The great news is that porn's "spell" is broken. I can see my addiction and what it has done to me clearly for the first time. And my disgust and sadness makes PMO less satisfying than ever.

Here's my problem/question. PMO serves its purpose and serves it well. It relaxes me, it soothes me. I know it's my addicted brain talking, but PMO works like nothing else in my life works. And like any addict, I need that high.

Do I have any resources other than willpower to fight this?

UKGuy

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 258
    • View Profile
Re: Freedom
« Reply #15 on: July 11, 2020, 05:19:28 AM »
Don't worry about the relapse addictnomore - great that you've understood and 'got back on your horse'. The bad news is it is very unlikely that you can do this on will power alone. The good news is that there are plenty of resources at your disposal. What have you done so far/what resources are you using? We can then help you fill the gaps. I know I mentioned it before but that Porn Free Podcast is a great resource with loads of practical help. It's a little bit 'Christian' in tone but if that's not your bag that shouldn't detract from the practical advice. Also, get into the journals here and start to learn from others - especially around subjects such as trigger identification, plan building etc. What led to your slip last time? Why? What have you learned? What therefore will you do differently next time? It's a bit of an iterative process that we all go through - sometimes with some periods of plateau, and sometimes with some game changing realisations. The main thing is that we're constantly moving forwards - which as you've indicated yourself with yourr usage down 50%, you are already doing!
Live with areté, focus on what you control, take responsibility = Eudaimonia.

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=18284.0

addictnomore

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 15
    • View Profile
Re: Freedom
« Reply #16 on: July 12, 2020, 02:43:46 AM »
It's like a light switch has been turned on and has revealed the extent of my porn use. I wasn't aware of the volume I was consuming and what iit was doing to my brain. It's like I was obsessed, with the volume going up and up and up... and I didn't realize it. My mind was so saturated that I couldn't see what was happened.

Now, it makes me sick. Like, literally there are times I want to throw up. I can't believe the extent of my addiction. I think this state of mind and feeling is what might bring me out of it for good. There is no fun anymore, only shame.

addictnomore

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 15
    • View Profile
Re: Freedom
« Reply #17 on: July 12, 2020, 04:24:32 AM »
What led to your slip last time? Why? What have you learned? What therefore will you do differently next time?

Boredom and habit are my biggest motivators. And it's an easy "high." It's soothing.

A major trigger is laying in bed. That's the only place I do it, so if I'm not in bed, I can't PMO. I wonder if I can make a plan to only be in my bed when I'm sleeping, keep the door to my bedroom closed until bedtime and leave the computer in the living room. In terms of access, that would shut it down.

Rookie

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 151
    • View Profile
Re: Freedom
« Reply #18 on: July 12, 2020, 12:22:35 PM »
If it only happens when you go to bed, I would suggest for a while, sleep in the living room for a while. On the couch perhaps. Just to see if you get triggered there. Obviously not a permanent solution, but essentially to find your trigger points.

addictnomore

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 15
    • View Profile
Re: Freedom
« Reply #19 on: July 13, 2020, 09:10:34 PM »
So, I'm in this kind of "no man's land" of lighter usage (-50%) but not really committed to stopping cold turkey. Right now, I don't really enjoy it, I just do it once or twice a day, briefly... mostly out of habit. So, things are definitely (definitely) better, but it still seems that I'm not solidly committing to saying goodbye.

One thing I'm really dealing with is the guilt and shame. It's like I was in a trance and totally unaware of what porn had done to me. Now that I'm aware, the shame is crushing me.

And insight or suggestions?

TheNorman

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 19
    • View Profile
Re: Freedom
« Reply #20 on: July 14, 2020, 12:41:40 PM »
Shame is my issue and porn was just an off-shoot of that, but it's all a big cycle. You feel bad because you look at porn, you look at porn because you feel bad (and because of the dopamine/brain stuff that it plays into). Is MO something you feel shame about too or is it just PMO? I know for me because of a deeply religious background a lot of stuff that is just normal feelings and behaviours has created feelings of shame and part of my journey is separating those things. Being aware of your triggers/feelings etc. is a big part of it and you're here too, so it's a start. Keep reaching out. There's a lot of great resources and guys on here that have a lot to offer.

addictnomore

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 15
    • View Profile
Re: Freedom
« Reply #21 on: July 14, 2020, 04:04:09 PM »
So odd. I’m sitting here in a park, enjoying the weather and the sounds and scenes and I think... I need to go home and PMO. Why? If I’m enjoying myself without it, why does my brain compel me to want to leave this and go back to my dark room and do it? I mean, I know and I don’t know.

UKGuy

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 258
    • View Profile
Re: Freedom
« Reply #22 on: July 14, 2020, 04:55:15 PM »
Because it’s an addiction my friend! Don’t be hard on yourself. I once spent a weekend in Sydney on business - gorgeous weather, great hotel in fab location. I spent most of it inside my room PMOing. How utterly sad is that! There is light at the end of the tunnel, the desires weaken, but it takes time, persistence, an inquisitive mind, and self loving. Stay here - keep learning - share with others. Be strong!
Live with areté, focus on what you control, take responsibility = Eudaimonia.

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=18284.0

addictnomore

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 15
    • View Profile
Re: Freedom
« Reply #23 on: July 14, 2020, 07:00:34 PM »
Thank you for taking time to respond to my posts.