Author Topic: Heavy addicts small victories  (Read 1436 times)

Orbiter

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #25 on: May 10, 2020, 06:24:39 AM »
Congratulations on the great run you're having at the moment KittyHawk. The routine and mindset you seem to have at the moment is serving you well. Though it's important to identify what doesn't work and why we lapse, it's also good to make sure to stop and think of what is working and why so we can add it to our strategy toolbox of sorts (even simple things like the phone outside the bedroom etc.)

I wouldn't sweat the MO myself. It is DEFINITELY the lesser evil and as long as you avoided the chaser effect which you did, i'm sure one MO won't set you back much.

Keep up the good work!

KittyHawk

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Day 12
« Reply #26 on: May 10, 2020, 03:14:41 PM »
Day 12

Thank you, Orbiter. Yes, I am also learning to treat myself better - to pay attention to stress, boredom, and hard work in my life. I found out to be less prone to relapse, when I'm having a balanced and satisfying life.

Today, I woke up with a hint of a morning wood (maybe 20% erection) and remembering a lightly erotic dream.
I also noticed 2 things when I manage to abstain from PMO for longer time:
1) Time slows down - I kept complaining last couple years about how fast time flows but now it looks like it was at least partially because I was in a constant state of brain fog. I manage to get a lot of things done.
2) I am more witty and quick to react - My banter improved a lot. Due to coronavirus social distancing, I am noticing it only in communication with my wife right now but I am sure it will be the same with others. I am suddenly able to respond with witty comments. It just comes naturally.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #27 on: May 11, 2020, 02:39:24 AM »
hey KittyHawk,

Great progress so far! And good to see that you're noticing small improvements! It shows you that it's worth all the effort and the emotional roller coaster.
The time thing is something that is recognizable indeed!

Keep going on man, great job so far!

I'm rooting for you
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

KittyHawk

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Day 17
« Reply #28 on: May 15, 2020, 06:22:57 AM »
Day 17

I can't believe it has been already 17 days. I noticed some improvements but I am far from healed. Some days the urges to watch P are overwhelming. Some days I even opened P just to close it after a short time. I don't want to got back.

Last couple days status: mood swings, no morning wood, just seeing nude woman (be it my wife or some scene on TV) does nothing to me (which is disturbing, I want to be aroused just by looking), the only time I am aroused is when I think about MOing or PMOing. So it is safe to say I am not rewired yet.

Still, I think this is a big reason to celebrate. I can't even recall last time I went 17 days without PMO.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

Orbiter

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #29 on: May 15, 2020, 07:15:31 PM »
Hi KittyHawk,

Congratulations on the 17 days! Stay the course and i'm sure you'll be at 34 and beyond in good time. Do you feel like there's something different in your mindset or your approach this time around?

Though it's important to report and be aware of where the brain & body are at in this process. I feel we should all be careful not to dwell TOO much on the lack of arousal at this stage. You're brain is slowly changing at the moment, this is a symptom of it and a sign that you're healing. Is there something you can find something you can to focus your attention on instead of current morning woods or things like that? If the brainfog & confusion is too strong, maybe break it down into a to-do list of things you can & would like to get done?

Keep up the great work KittyHawk, this is indeed a big reason to celebrate.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #30 on: May 16, 2020, 02:56:04 PM »
Hey KittyHawk,

Congrats on the 17 days! amazing achievement! Don't stress to much about not being aroused by nudity! As you've probably read in other threads, it sometimes just takes a while for that to return!

Keep your eye on the ball and don't lose focus of your main goal, even though it takes longer than anticipated.
You're doing the best thing possible!

Keep it up man, i'm rooting for you!
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

KittyHawk

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Day 0
« Reply #31 on: May 18, 2020, 12:29:27 PM »
Thanks everyone for kind words of encouragement. Somehow it makes it even harder to write the following though.

I did relapse at the end of day 17 (May 15) and I relapsed badly today again (this time about 4h long edging session).
I am depressed and worried I just erased all the recent progress.... another weeks of my life went down the gutter.

The longer I last without relapse, the stronger I usually feel that it is different this time. But it ain't. When the urge hits me, I am like on autopilot and I am silencing all the alarms in my brain.

I don't want to give up and I won't. But at the same time I am worried I might not be able to break free from this ever. That scares me to death.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

KittyHawk

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #32 on: May 18, 2020, 12:58:38 PM »
I think the main reason why I am so damn upset about the relapse is that I was planning on trying sex with my wife this upcoming weekend. Now I feel like there's no point in trying and I completely lost that opportunity. I probably fried my recovering brain to much and it will be PIED as usual.

I am trying to figure out what makes me relapse....lately I weeded out almost all the triggers (like having phone next to bed) and only a single one remains... when I have to work on my computer and it is boring. The truth is I don't like some of the work I do....it bores me but that shouldn't be an excuse. I have to be able to perform also mundane tasks and not relapse. I have to figure out what to do about this.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

goingpublic

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #33 on: May 18, 2020, 04:37:55 PM »
Too bad you relapsed. Also still congrats on the streak.

Kind of funny, I relapsed on the same day and had a 16 day streak.

Does your wife know about your problem?

A wierd tip that helped me: if you have urges just smile (just force yourself to make the facial expression). That dampens the urge for me. Maybe it helps you.

I've haven't read it allready I would urge you to read this post: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=18477.0 "Urgent Reading For Those Rebooters taking a LONG Time!"

Cheers!

Orbiter

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #34 on: May 19, 2020, 07:22:18 AM »
Hi KittyHawk, sorry to hear about the recent relapses. I did the same recently and can relate to the dissappointment and feelings of despondency you're clearly experiencing right now. I've been thinking about your posts much of today and had some thoughts and feelings about them that I hope can be of some help.

One thing I hope you understand when the dust settles and things become a bit clearer that this has not been time wasted. Perhaps if life merely revolved around abstaining from PMO and monitoring the firmness of erections, one might be justified in feeling this way, but of course we both know it doesn't. The insights you've had journaling, the benefits you've percieved, quality of time that you have spent with your wife, and time taken to heal your brain are benefits that the relapse has not taken away from you. Dwelling on this in such a way is our addicted brains tricking us into believing there's no hope which only justifies more relapses. These thoughts are a trap we do not have to fall for.

Do not worry, do not fear. Fear is the mind-killer.

Re planned liasons with the wife, unless you're facing pressure to do so from her, there's no need to worry about sex right now. Maybe try giving yourself a week to get your head clear and see where you're at. The opportunity will be there when you're ready and so will she.

One thing I was struck me was the four hour long edging session you were talking about. I'm wondering, especially given the careful measures you've put in place to limit phone and computer usage plus the presence of your wife being around, how you were able to make the time to edge for four hours? What time of day or night was it? Where was she? What room of the house were you in at the time? What were you doing before you started? What was running through your mind leading up to it etc. I think if perhaps we break down some more details, perhaps a deeper trigger and some practical strategies could be thought of.

Rooting for you as always KittyHawk. You can do this!


KittyHawk

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Day 01
« Reply #35 on: May 19, 2020, 01:35:29 PM »
DAY 01

I let me frustration to generate something positive and I decided to live like "I was there." I feel like I spent my whole life waiting for something to happen before I start enjoying life (enough money, being free from PMO, being absolutely healthy, and so on).
I am now creating my ideal life piece by piece. I started running this morning. 20 minutes were all it took me to realize how much out of shape I am. But I plan on keep running every morning if possible.
I felt great after the run. Boys, try cardio! We all focus on working out while rebooting, probably because we want to be "real men" after reboot and have all these muscles but cardio proved for me to be much more beneficial as far as mood improving goes.

goingpublic: Thanks for the tip with smiling and the link. I don't think my PIED would take so long as he describes if only I was able to last at least 2-3 months. Just judging from my partial reboots in the past. Also, I started abusing PMO only after I was 18, so maybe I have some benefit there. But my psychological addiction is really bad right now.

Orbiter: You are right, I am hardly back on square zero, even if the PIED progress went all away (which I can't tell for sure it did). I understand you being puzzled by 4 hour edging I got myself into. Well, it wasn't 4 uninterrupted hours, I had breaks - during which I was still too aroused for not to return to it. And I work from home office now due to coronavirus - which made things way more challenging and it was low workload day.

Still, considering the coronavirus throwing a curve ball on my progress this February, I think I did decent so far. Looking back at my phone app, that I am using daily to track my progress since February, the number of days I relapsed is as follows:
February: 8 relapses
March: 8 relapses
April: 5 relapses
May: so far 2 relapses (and I have every intention to keep it at 2!)
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

KittyHawk

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Day 02
« Reply #36 on: May 20, 2020, 01:44:53 PM »
Day 02

I am having a lot of urges today... probably some delayed chaser effect from two days ago.
I realized I always relapse within few days after stopping daily entries here. Probably the same time I grew too complacent.

So I'll do my best to post here at least a short text every day.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

Orbiter

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #37 on: May 21, 2020, 07:17:54 AM »
I think keeping up the daily journal entries, regardless of how short or what they contain is in itself a benefit. As a ritual, I can see how it's a good daily reminder that we're still committed and focused towards achieving the goal of being ultimately free of this.

Keep up the good work KittyHawk

KittyHawk

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Day 03
« Reply #38 on: May 21, 2020, 12:49:28 PM »
Day 03

So far, I keep doing my morning runs. What a mood changer! However, I might take a break tomorrow morning as my leg muscles are too stretched and sore.

Some urges today, but nothing too bad. I am having very productive week overall. If it wasn't for the recent relapse, I would be doing great!
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #39 on: May 21, 2020, 03:09:43 PM »
Hey KittyHawk,

Bummer man, but no worries as the other guys and you yourself have acknowleged; all is not lost. The track record you displayed from feb to may is actually showing a decreasing line! So great work.

Keep on going on those runs btw, a good run fills you with endorphins and they make you feel good!!! Additionally you feel happy with the healthy activity, so keep it up! And regarding work out in general, wether its muscles, runs, biking sessions or just hiking. Any physical activity is good for you! And as they say in Germany (i think) a healthy body helps to get a healthy mind!

So dont sulk to much, keep your chin up! You're still in this to win and you've got a crowd of supporters (us)!


Cheers and as always rooting for you!
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

KittyHawk

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Day 04
« Reply #40 on: May 22, 2020, 11:18:43 AM »
Day 04

ShadeTrenicin: Thank you for the support.

Urges are almost non-existent today. Longer Memorial Day weekend ahead of me. So I'll try to stay offline as much as possible and emerge on the other end with a week of no PMO under my belt!

Live long an porn-free!  :)
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

KittyHawk

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Day 05
« Reply #41 on: May 23, 2020, 04:54:30 PM »
Day 05

Little time, just checking in. I am doing fine.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

Orbiter

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #42 on: May 23, 2020, 09:15:59 PM »
Great going KittyHawk! Keep up the good work

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #43 on: May 24, 2020, 07:45:30 AM »
Excellent KittyHawk (where does your name come from? And is that an actual star trek logo you have for an avatar? 8) )

Just keep it up like this!
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

KittyHawk

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Day 06
« Reply #44 on: May 24, 2020, 03:32:02 PM »
Day 06

ShadeTrenicin: My nickname refers to an aircraft carrier and yes, it is Starfleet logo from Star Trek  ;)

No PMO, doing my morning running most days, which also helps me sleep. On the days I skipped the run I had trouble sleeping.
Also the usual mood swings and urges keep returning. I noticed it takes very little now to get aroused but virtual (screen) still creates a way stronger response than real life. Time to get rid of that wrong wiring for good.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #45 on: May 25, 2020, 02:19:53 PM »
That's the spirit, let's get rid of it!

as a fellow trekkie I am rooting for you!
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

KittyHawk

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Day 09
« Reply #46 on: May 27, 2020, 12:14:10 PM »
Day 09

Got sidetracked from journaling and even from keeping it completely hardmode. I did open P on day 8 and did M a little but stopped myself soon. Still, I felt terribly guilty afterwards.
Hard deciding whether to "restart the clock" or not.
I decided not to so I can keep my morale high but admit it here, so it's not lying to myself and others.

So far my PIED and urges are not gone in the slightest. But I see one fundamental change..... last couple relapses, small or big, I feel really sad right after. It might be a good thing I guess. I dont know.

I am also revisiting an older idea - I will try to treat myself as if I was my best friend. Basically being kind to myself.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #47 on: May 27, 2020, 04:32:46 PM »
Hey KittyHawk,

Quote
I did open P on day 8 and did M a little but stopped myself soon.

I don't know how you did that, but i never could. So, you are able to interrupt the mechanism of escalation and self-lying. This is far more worth than 8 or 9 days. Let it be a warning to you, ok?
Now, what lead you there? What were your thoughts? Did you understood in that moment that PMO is a part in your life you don't want?

metal22

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #48 on: May 27, 2020, 05:19:59 PM »
Kittyhawk,
I have found that during the hard mode 90 I had to avoid everything.  It was pretty tough,  but no edging,  or M of any sort,  no fantasizing or anything.  All of that stuff results in slipping down the slope.  My relapse was pretty tame by most peoples standards,  but I knew my brain was indulging in the old brain patterns.  I could feel it just like it used to be,  and my attitude went right back to junk as well.  A relapse to me is not necessarily doing exactly what you used to do,  as the longer you've been away from it doesn't take very much to get the rush.
Stay strong brother!

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #49 on: May 28, 2020, 01:42:46 AM »
Hey KittyHawk, i concur with imsorrynotsorry. It's an amazing achievement to stop half way so to say! That takes quite some willpower!

It must've left you craving and frustrated i imagine. What did you feel afterwards?


GOod luck man!
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority