Author Topic: Heavy addicts small victories  (Read 1388 times)

KittyHawk

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Heavy addicts small victories
« on: February 06, 2020, 02:18:36 PM »
Hi all,

Some of you might remember me. I already had a topic here once.
Since last time I was writing here, I had some good weeks and months and even achieved some half-decent erection during intercourse. Funnily enough, even real sex orgasm was sometimes a trigger that pushed me back to PMO.

My current progress: I watch porn couple times a month. But I also keep falling for long edging sessions without porn. Especially nights and mornings in bed are turning into compulsive problem. When I am half asleep, my inhibitions are lower and my addiction is abusing it.

Longest recent victory was 13 days. Right now I am 4 days porn-free but I did some edging this morning just with my fantasy.

I know very well how damaging those edging sessions are to my recovery. Over last couple years, when I tried to quit porn so bad, I brought the art of porn-less edging to a new level. It has nothing to do with normal quick masturbation and I am able to get to insane dopamine rush.

My goal is to be completely PMO free and just keep rewiring with my wife.

I am mobilizing every possible resource this time. Keeping a journal here might be another piece of puzzle that will hold me accountable.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

Pete McVries

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2020, 07:36:30 AM »


I'm happy to hear from you, Kitty! You were the first to welcome me on my journal. Tomorrow, I'll be clean for 400 days.

Now, I'm welcoming you back. Maybe, I can pass back some of the good energy, you brought me :).

I'm absolutely not intending to increase the drop-height for you or to put additional pressure on your shoulders, but you being porn free for 400 days in 394 days is a possible outcome of the future. I mean, it really is. Think about that for a second. In my personal case, if I had been a betting man, I wouldn't have bet a single cent on this outcome for myself but it certainly panned out that way. So there is that... :)

I'm rooting for you and wish you the best of luck. Stay the course!
« Last Edit: February 08, 2020, 08:10:11 AM by Pete McVries »
400 days clean and counting...

Orbiter

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #2 on: February 09, 2020, 04:54:26 AM »
Welcome back KittyHawk!

KittyHawk

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #3 on: February 26, 2020, 06:55:15 PM »
Thank you both for welcoming me back.

I didn’t stay clean the whole time since my last post but I am currently at day 13 of no porn.
I kept failing at hard mode so many years that I decided now to allow myself occasional quick MO with no P. We’ll see how it goes.

Current results: troubles sleeping, moodiness, constant rationalizing why I should try P substitute (erotica, etc.) but I am not giving in to the temptation.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

KittyHawk

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #4 on: February 26, 2020, 06:56:28 PM »
And congrats to 400 days, Pete!
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

KittyHawk

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #5 on: February 27, 2020, 04:22:02 PM »
I relapsed today :(

It didn’t last for hours like my usual binges and I didn’t orgasm but it definitely counts as a relapse.
After 14 days without P.

It was hard day with bad news for me. I was alone with my laptop and smartphone. I should have seen that coming but somehow I didn’t.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

Orbiter

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #6 on: March 16, 2020, 04:56:56 AM »
14 days is great KittyHawk!

Dust yourself off and try again. Every day is progress as you say, just make sure to stay vigilant on using the laptop and phone excessively. Personally I find my relapses can often creep in from too much idle-browsing alone. A little while back, I used to practice mindful browsing, i.e. going on the internet only when I had a particular reason to, and closing it as soon as that task or reason was finished. It worked great, though I relapsed and eventually forgot about it...until I actually read your post and remembered.

Perhaps this is worth a go?

KittyHawk

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #7 on: April 28, 2020, 02:35:36 PM »
I was edging for several hours today....pretty serious relapse. For the last couple months, I keep relapsing several times a month but today was really bad.

I think it is almost 6 years now, since I first realized that PMO (and especially P) is a problem and cause of many of my problems, especially PIED and being an underachiever. I had some good streaks but most of the time, I can count my "sobriety" in days, not months.

I WANT this to be the last day I saw porn. But my track record sucks. Big time. The only thing I can come up with to make a significant difference this time is stop using laptop and smartphone unless other people are in the room. This seems to be almost impossible and it will put a hold on my small side business. But I have to decide what is a priority in my life.

And right now I don't have any bigger goal than getting rid of the PMO addiction. The only alone time on internet from now on is this forum. And I will be posting here daily.

PS: from the past experience, I have some difficult times ahead of me. My typical withdrawal symptoms are nervousness, troubles sleeping, and feeling like nothing in life is fun or interesting. If I last for a week or two, my brain usually starts offering me all sorts of substitutes...erotica, chat, mainstream movies with nude scene,...and it always ends the same way. But not this time.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

KittyHawk

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Day 1
« Reply #8 on: April 29, 2020, 06:58:34 AM »
It is almost a full day since my last relapse. So far no urges. I am just feeling sad a anxious, wondering if I make it this time (or at least last long enough to make a difference for the future).

I've been contemplating my whole life so far...again. I achieved a lot but never really enjoyed it because of PMO, worrying about future, and immediately focusing on new goals. I need to change my whole outlook on life. Be more positive, optimistic, and content in the moment. Btw does anyone know, if you can rename your journal? Current title sounds too negative to me now.

“You are the Michelangelo of your own life. The David you are sculpting is you.” - Joe Vitale
« Last Edit: April 29, 2020, 07:01:13 AM by KittyHawk »
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

Rookie

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #9 on: April 29, 2020, 11:20:55 PM »
Based on a previous post, you made it to 14 days bro...you can do it again. I know I have a goal of 90...but I have to get to 42 first, (today is 41)...and I don't want to count my eggs before they hatch. Let's see if you can make it to 3...and start from there. Don't make your goals to big...you'll never appreciate the small steps. Same a climbing a mountain. From a distance, it's huge. The closer you get, the more you see that the only thing you can do is 1 step at a time...and collectively, it's going to be to the summit, however, 1 day first...then once you get to say 5 days in, if you fall, you're not falling to the bottom. You already had 5 days progress. The count resets, but the progress continues.

Set small goals, very small goals. 24 hrs...phew, that's done, how about 36...then 48...

Hope this gives you a bit of encouragement. And I will try to read and reply to your comments. I find it very, very encouraging when I know someone else responds on mine. Makes me know someone else is cheering me on, and somewhat holds me accountable.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: Day 1
« Reply #10 on: April 30, 2020, 03:47:31 AM »
Hey KittyHawk!

First of all, bumps in the road are normal. You're only human and you cannot make progress and learn from it if you dont make mistakes. Then you are either a brilliant genius or insanely lucky.

Contemplating your life is great. Finding out what happened, what went wrong and what your triggers are as well as identifying negative influences on you as a person.

I want to offer you one piece of advice, even though you did not ask for it. But what I read in your post is:

I need to change my whole outlook on life. Be more positive, optimistic, and content in the moment.

It sounds kind of forced/compulsive. And although i totally recognize doing that, I've also found that real change does not start with forcing yourself/compelling yourself into doing something, but rather from understanding what makes you have the urges and resolving the underlying issues.

The following it below is a bit of interpretation/assumption. It is a suggestive bit. I am not a professional but this is something I've distilled from my own process and other journals. So make sure that you check if this is possible with you because i do not want to interpret things for you, so here goes:

Could it also be possible that when you force yourself to not do something (even though you secretly want to do it anyway) you might shed yourself in a negative light. You punish yourself in a way by forbidding something to yourself. If you forbid yourself something could mean that having urges (which is normal for an addict) means you are bad in your own eyes.
However, if you understand the urge and acknowledge that is part of being an addict, and only an effect, you could take the negative effect away and maybe alter your approach.

Good luck, i'm rooting for you!
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

UKGuy

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Re: Day 1
« Reply #11 on: April 30, 2020, 04:07:27 AM »
Wise words Shade. I too can identify with applying compulsive rules and limits to my activitites in life generally. As a consequence I end up judging myself a lot. Judging is bad. Much better to observe your thoughts and emotions with neutrality (whatever they relate to), and then take decisions (eg: should I edge/PMO) with clarity of thought and peace of mind. Easier said than done, but even if you manage to do this only 10% of the time, it's still progress.

Hey KittyHawk!

First of all, bumps in the road are normal. You're only human and you cannot make progress and learn from it if you dont make mistakes. Then you are either a brilliant genius or insanely lucky.

Contemplating your life is great. Finding out what happened, what went wrong and what your triggers are as well as identifying negative influences on you as a person.

I want to offer you one piece of advice, even though you did not ask for it. But what I read in your post is:

I need to change my whole outlook on life. Be more positive, optimistic, and content in the moment.

It sounds kind of forced/compulsive. And although i totally recognize doing that, I've also found that real change does not start with forcing yourself/compelling yourself into doing something, but rather from understanding what makes you have the urges and resolving the underlying issues.

The following it below is a bit of interpretation/assumption. It is a suggestive bit. I am not a professional but this is something I've distilled from my own process and other journals. So make sure that you check if this is possible with you because i do not want to interpret things for you, so here goes:

Could it also be possible that when you force yourself to not do something (even though you secretly want to do it anyway) you might shed yourself in a negative light. You punish yourself in a way by forbidding something to yourself. If you forbid yourself something could mean that having urges (which is normal for an addict) means you are bad in your own eyes.
However, if you understand the urge and acknowledge that is part of being an addict, and only an effect, you could take the negative effect away and maybe alter your approach.

Good luck, i'm rooting for you!

KittyHawk

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Day 2
« Reply #12 on: April 30, 2020, 07:29:56 AM »
Rookie: thank you for your input. You are right that small steps make large goals manageable. At the same time, I have to believe that I will be (maybe not right away) able to stay away from PMO either completely or with relapses so rare that they won't affect negatively my sexual life and motivation.

ShadeTrenicin, UKGuy: No offense taken, I get how that might come across as forced and maybe it was in a way. But from me being introspective and thinking about the root of my problems, this might really be it. I have always been very anxious, even as a kid (before PMO). I am using the dopamine to stay away from stress and now also from the boredom (because most hobbies are no longer enjoyable enough compared to PMO). And of course there is also the pure physiological aspect of addiction in my brain now.

Me staying away from online devices when I am alone is not me punishing myself "for being bad." I had the best results with this approach in the past. As my addiction is probably too strong to resist if I have temptation right in front of me. Think about it like heroin addict with a needle filled with his drug lying on his desk whole day while he is working. The temptation is simply too strong. I am trying not to judge myself too harsh for it, but that's the fact of my life right now.

And honestly, I think I have also a general online addiction as well, although the effects are not so sever as from PMO. I blame mindless googling for hours a day for having a way shorter attention span than I used to and for not being able to finish a book (I used to read hundreds of books as a kid). In general, I see my future happier life as way more "offline" than what it is now. I was nerd as a kid, focusing on mind and not body but lately I am drawn more and more also to the physical - workouts, long walks, gardening - I think it creates a right balance in my life.

UPDATE: Day 2 - Staying PMO free but some small urges are creeping back in. The complete numbness from the last edging session wore off. From my past experience days 4 and 5 are usually hard to get over and they fall on upcoming weekend as well -> more free time -> more risk. I will try to be with my wife and/or gardening the whole time.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

KittyHawk

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Day 3
« Reply #13 on: May 01, 2020, 09:07:19 AM »
I am still holding on. No PMO for cca 3 days now. I am definitely feeling some urges from this morning. They come with one of the most peculiar triggers - boredom. I noticed that when I have some boring tasks ahead of me, my brain just says "F*ck it, I'll just PMO instead." Edging definitely makes time fly fast... but at what cost?
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #14 on: May 01, 2020, 10:08:26 AM »
Hey Kittyhawk, boredom is so relatable. I've read it in a lot of other journals as well.

Keep going strong!

I'm rooting for you!
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

KittyHawk

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Day 4
« Reply #15 on: May 02, 2020, 03:09:15 PM »
Still no PMO. Mood swings are becoming frequent. It is better when I am keeping myself busy. I did a lot of gardening today. Every time I am resting  and/or alone, I feel depressed. Could be a dopamine withdrawal or simply the realization of how much time I wasted. It doesn’t really matter. I will make it this time.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #16 on: May 03, 2020, 02:53:45 AM »
Hey Kittyhawk.

Remember, the feelings are only temporary! They will subside after time!

Keeping busy is great! Keep on doing that. And during the resting periods; remember that you are doing this for a good cause and focus on the end goal!

you've got this!

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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

KittyHawk

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Day 5
« Reply #17 on: May 03, 2020, 02:24:27 PM »
Fifth day without PMO. I had to admit I did open P this morning and started with M but I stopped myself pretty fast. So I decided not to count it as a relapse. I don't perceive it as cheating but rather being kind to myself and acknowledging myself for being able to stop. But this "almost relapse" made me very worried for hours after that.

More gardening today. I am trying to focus on several other hobbies as well but it is very hard to find out what would be actually enjoyable for me right now, as nothing compares to the thrill of PMO. But based on my personal interest before PMO days, I am guessing I will be eventually into reading, collecting, and I might even try to write my own book. But nothing brings me joy right now.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #18 on: May 04, 2020, 02:33:43 AM »
Hey Kittyhawk,

Just hang in there! This process is tough and it can rob you of all joy! Remember that this is all temporary! It is a struggle and you will have to endure.

But try to think of what's on the other side of this struggle!


Hang in there, i'm rooting for you
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

Orbiter

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #19 on: May 04, 2020, 07:35:00 AM »
What Shade said.

Try to be patient and gentle with yourself when you're feeling too down and unmotivated. Forcing yourself will only make things worse.

Like all feelings, it will come to pass.

KittyHawk

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Day 6
« Reply #20 on: May 04, 2020, 09:08:53 AM »
Day 06

Orbiter, ShadeTrenicin: Thank you both for kind words.

Sleeping is becoming tough. A lot of tossing and turning and waking up in the middle of the night. But that's not new or surprising to me. I've been here multiple times. Can't wait to get rid of frequent P urges and get into the flatline phase.  :)

I plan on keeping daily entries here. It keeps reminding me that this is my main goal in life now. I am also using a daily tracker in a phone app.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

KittyHawk

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Day 07
« Reply #21 on: May 05, 2020, 10:51:39 AM »
Day 07

Very strong urges this morning but I managed to keep them at bay. Funny how there is a clear distinction between PMO urges and being ready for real sex. I am sure I have a complete PIED still, mostly caused by the superlong edging a week ago. No morning wood, no desire to have a real sex, but my brain is asking for it's favorite fix.

I keep struggling to find motivation for my work and hobbies. I am at least keeping myself physically active with gardening and working out.


If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #22 on: May 05, 2020, 03:34:27 PM »
Hey Kittyhawk,

How did your day go? Managed to keep all the urges at bay today? 


Good luck man!
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

Orbiter

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Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« Reply #23 on: May 06, 2020, 05:48:31 AM »
I think when the lows hit and motivation is difficult, it's best to make sure not to become down that you're not finding the pleasure from hobbies and interests as it will pass soon enough. Perhaps keeping active & occupied with simpler busy work is the way to go?

Of course it's also good to remember if you're at day 7, you're probably going through withdrawals at the moment. Patience, staying busy and not overthinking things will hopefully see you through.

We're all rooting for you as always man. Hope things are going well.

KittyHawk

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Day 11
« Reply #24 on: May 09, 2020, 03:46:11 PM »
Day 11
My reboot keeps going pretty good. I did MO at the end of 7th day to be honest since I perceived it as a lesser evil, as my last P edging binge without any O 11 days ago left a lot of pent up urges. The urges are almost non existent now. I do still have mood swings and trouble sleeping though. Yesterday, I was weirdly happy and optimistic for no apparent reason. 
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.