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Time to stop the lies and take control of my life

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DarksideofTim:
I am 42 years old. I have been a PA for probably close to 20 years now. For the first 15 it didn't seem to impact my life or at least that is what I told myself.

I have been married for 12 years now, have 3 kids. In the last 5 years I started to develop PIED, first I tried to deny it, blamed my wife for gaining some weight, told her nasty things when I got mad. I did some research and realized it is all related to my Porn use. I would PMO 5 to 10 times a week, anytime I was stressed out or just to feel better about something.

For the last 3 - 4 years, me and my wife started growing apart, we started to spend less time together and just went about our days. The PIED made me terrified and I actively started avoiding sex. 3 Years ago she found some Porn on my computer and was super pissed, I told her some terrible things as I was lashing out. We almost divorced right there, she even moved out for a week.

I told her I would stop and tried to do better, I lasted maybe 30 days, after that I tried to just limit the PMO to 1 or 2 times a week, but it didn't last and 6 months later I was back to my full habits. To combat the PIED I got some V and that did help, but it always gave me headaches and was very hard to plan when wife wanted spontaneous sex. I did not tell her about the V, so first she thought I was improving and for a year or so things were ok. 6 Months ago the wife caught me PMOing and again I tried to reboot, but work stress and other factors always made me relapse.

I have ADHD and have pretty bad impulse control. Very hard for me to help around the house and get most things that are not planned done. My job doesn't help since I work from home 2-3 times a week and is very unstructured. My energy levels are pretty low and its just very hard to get anything accomplished. My blood pressure is getting high and I haven't really exercised in years. The ADHD really makes it hard to stop the PMO, I've made so many stupid decisions in life due to wanting instant gratification. When I need stress reliever, I can almost convince myself of anything.

2 days ago, my wife came to me and I could tell it was going to be a bad conversation, she has been pretty distant last few days, she told me she felt 100% undesired and lost all purpose in life. She even said that when she was driving if I semi hit her she would welcome it. I've never felt so much pain in my life. She doesn't think I can fix it and it might lead to divorce. I love her and she still does loves me, but our marriage cannot survive another episode. I have to take control of my life and stop the lies.

I am not 100% sure how to fix it. I have been reading this site for a while now and see some success stories and similar failures that I have experienced.

I am going to go to see someone about the ADHD, i am hoping if I can control some of the impulses I can have a better chance of success. I usually get hyper-focused on whatever I enjoy doing. I think if I can redirect some of my energy towards exercise or something else it will keep me from getting distracted.

2 Days clean.



 

joepanic:
Hey Tim  welcome aboard.

      Your story is going to sound familiar to many here   I am 48  addicted for 35 years   same patterns   and issues  Only issue I never experienced was pied( I count myself incredably lucky there)  But the brain fog  inability to make proper decisions have cost me so much over the years   mainly in time finances and health and my general overlook at my own life   My wife knew I "surfed a little porn"  and It never bothered her.  She does not know I was outright addicted  and that I am on this site and in a current reboot.  And as much as its a controversial  decision on my part  I do polan to keep it that way as I am winning(I am 48 days  100% clean)  Since your wife already knows  perhaps you can include her at some point in your recovery/reboot.  There is at least a small possibility she may be your biggest cheerleader if as you say  you guys still love each other.  Read lots of journals   and learn exactly what this addiction is.  Mine is quite long   but you would get  an idea of what my victories were  as well as what my failures were and how I overcame them and how my life is different as a result.   Gabe posts  videos from time to time  that are super informative  so always have a look at the dofferent sections of the  forum

    cheers and good luck

   Post often it helps mke it helps you

DarksideofTim:
Thx for the words of encouragement Joe.

3 Days clean. So far doing ok, just a bit anxious. Making some appointments tomorrow to see someone to help me with the ADHD.

DarksideofTim:
5 Days clean.

Kind of feel empty. Not much feeling in anything I do. My wife is struggling with my previous attempts and relapses, I want to comfort her, but its pretty hard when you feel a bit disconnected from any feeling. Made an appointment to see a Dr for my ADHD for next Wednesday. My wife also wants me to try some counseling dedicated to PA. I am open to trying anything, I think accountability is a big thing that was missing from my previous attempts.

jixu:
Hi Tim, looks like you are taking action!  I too have a family, and I know what it is like to be responsible for people; although often filled with joy and rewards, there is also a side and portion of difficulty at times.  Strongly concur in your assessment about the importance of accountability. 

In your initial post you mentioned exercise.  I strongly recommend that you start some form of physical activity as it has benefits way beyond being a distraction.  Start slow and modest, don't spend a ton of money or do three hours the first day!  Easy does it.  Also, our partners like action, not talk.  Let your wife see or know you are doing it and it is one more piece of evidence confirming your commitment and lets her know you mean business.

Keep going, it is worth it-there is a way forward, and you are on it.         

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