Journals > Ages 40 and up

I'm ready to fight back.

(1/2) > >>

HopeReaper:
Hello to everyone here, and thank you for participating in this life/soul saving forum.  I have been reading through the forum for a few days now and I see all of you in me.  I’ve been PMO since the late 90’s.   I just registered here this morning and I felt that writing a bit down would help us…  So here goes… I haven’t PMO since Tuesday, it’s been 5 days for me.

I was able to give up alcohol 4 years ago with the help of a similar forum called soberrecovery.com, it saved my life at the time and as a result I have come to know the power of honesty through a recovery forum.  I am now using many of the tools that I learned in that war to fight this war against PMO.  I have no more delusions about it, THIS IS A WAR for my soul and I’ve been collaborating with the enemy.  I have hurt myself and my loved ones because of my chronic use of PMO and I want it to end.  I do not want to give anymore of myself to these dark forces.

I got REALLY sick on Monday, it came on quickly and it felt something like the norovirus, I was violently ill like I haven’t been in a very long time, if ever.  I could literally feel it physically, the evil forces inside me.  It felt like a tumor, it hurt so badly.  It felt like evil would feel if it was truly something tangible, which I am beginning to realize that it is.  I prayed.  I prayed like I did when I finally quit alcohol.  I asked Jesus to take the evil out of me, I told him that I can’t do it alone and that I needed help.  Immediately I felt some relief, but that was just the beginning, I knew in that moment what I must do, I had to give up what was festering inside of me. 

I teetered on Monday whether or not I should delete all my P… I thought maybe I’d just take it off my computer and back it up somewhere and that would help.  Wrong.  On Tuesday, while still violently ill I found myself looking at the P and desperately trying to get some relief or satisfaction from it.  I felt like I was being pulled under… physically, mentally, spiritually… it was terrifying.  I asked Jesus again, “Help me please, what must I DO??”  I had the answer before I even finished asking the question.  My faith can remove evil from me but if I keep adding evil then it’s not effective.  I deleted ALL my porn, a massive library that took me many years to assemble.  I scoured my computer’s browsers deleting every link or history.  It felt good, like I had turned a new leaf as deleting this P was something that I considered in the past but was never able to do.  I felt like I was fighting back finally.

While still very sick, the withdrawals from PMO began on Wednesday night.  I had some of the worst headaches that I’ve ever had.  I could not eat.  I could not sleep.  I began feeling utter despair, hopelessness, thoughts of self hate.  I couldn’t get out of bed but was wracked with pain while lying in bed.  My body ached all over (of course the virus contributed to this, but who’s counting?) in a way that I cannot remember.  That is what brought me to this site and this community.  I wanted to find out what to expect from PMO withdrawal so I began reading your stories.  I found myself in you.  I found so many of you that went through these same symptoms… and that they passed, something I am familiar with through alcohol recovery.  I was no longer alone in my PMO addiction.  The more I read, the angrier I got.  I was angry of how widespread this problem is and how much pain it has caused all of us.  Angry at the lies that I had fallen for.  Angry that I had allowed these evil forces to take so much from me.  Angry in all the wonderful women that I have hurt and lost in my life because of PMO ☹.  Angry that it has made me a worse father.  Angry of the social isolation and weakness that it has caused…

My anger slowly turned to empathy for myself, rather than self hate.  This is one of the hardest things in alcohol recovery and it seems to be the same here.  We have to give ourselves a break for our mistakes otherwise we can never heal from them.  We are already beat up… beating ourselves up further is one thing that can lead us back to the pit of self-loathing and apathy, the devil’s playground.   

Well now I’m ready to fight.  I am feeling considerably better today, Sunday.  The virus seems to have passed but my brain is in a heavy fog (along with insomnia, seems to be most common with PMO withdrawal).  I haven’t had strong cravings to PMO yet but as I’ve read, I understand that it’s not necessarily a linear progression and I am vigilant of such feelings.  Right now, when I think of PMO I get angry, not angry at myself, angry at PMO.  I want it to stay that way.  I should be angry at such a bad thing.   Reading all of your posts has really ended any sort of delusions I had about PMO.  It has made us very sick people and using it will continue that illness.   I have to remove it from my life or suffer.  Those are my choices.  I’ve suffered enough.  I want to go to the light.  I want to be free.  Thank you all for being here.

joepanic:
Hey HopeReaper

     Welcome to the forum.  Your doing the right thing by putting this out of your life.  I had been addicted for 35 years or so.  I started the fight 2 years ago and its taken many attempts   but the biggest thing I think that helped me was breaking the patterns   and finding little pieces of time to read learn and educate myself with what the addiction is and than learn the tools needed to fight it.  I am currently 41 days clean and have never felt better  In. the past 2 years I have had clean streaks that have reached the 90 day mark  but I dont think i was educating myself on how to live my life without porn  this time I have that education so its already feeling different.

   push on learn all you can  learn from your slips and  overtime you will overcome this addiction

       cheers

     Post often it helps me it helps you

HopeReaper:
Hey joepanic,

Thanks for your post and great work on 41 days clean!  It really helps to hear that you are feeling so much better, I'm looking forward to feeling that way and I know I can make it there with you.

Reading about PMO has been really helpful and I will continue to read as much as I can on the topic.  Education leads to relation which leads to elevation!  That's my motto. 

I battled alcohol addiction for a decade, many relapses, but I finally made it out of that hole.  What I learned about relapse is: You get many tries but only need to succeed once!  I do not subscribe to those who consider ppl who relapse to be weak or not worthy of redemption.  If there were no relapses, there would be no such thing as addiction after all.

I'm fortunate to have many of the tools that I used to fight alcohol addiction at my disposal now in fighting this.  I'm still a bit shocked how much of a grip PMO has on us... it makes me really worried about the younger generation who is born with phones basically... it's like they are being tossed to the wolves because no one discusses P addiction openly, EVER, with the exception of some (not even that many) religious folks it seems.

Brad1971:
How has day 7 been for you? Sending positive energy and encouragement!

Brad

HopeReaper:
Hey Brad!!  Thanks for the positive energy.  Been busy the last few days so I haven't posted but I've been reading.

Day 9 now, and I feel great.  I overcame whatever type of virus I had and the headaches/anxiety/insomnia symptoms from PMO withdrawal have started to ease... I almost feel normal.  Definitely still dealing with some brain fog but I feel significantly better.  I'm certain that giving up P was a great decision.  I'm certain that my life will be better without it.  As middle aged men we are already losing testosterone rapidly, PMO accelerates this and makes us weak.  When I think about P, I get vigilant right away, I know what it does to people like us and I want nothing to do with it.  My conviction is strong on this.

Throughout my life I have used things that I knew were bad for me with the mindset that perhaps I could get away with it.  Well I can tell you right now that there's no getting away with it.  Consuming negatives will always result in a negative... and we will have to pay for it, one way or another.

For me the practical approach is the way to go.  How's everything going with you?  Are you feeling better?

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

Go to full version