Journals > Ages 40 and up

Today is the first day of the rest of my life

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So the subject line is cheesy but it is how I feel.  I am soon to be 55 and have been using porn since I was about 12. Two things happened that year. I was sexually assaulted by a neighbor and my brother showed me his porn collection. Since then porn has be a constant in my life. I have been in therapy for about 4 months dealing with all of these issues and my therapist has been amazing but I know I need to take the next step. Porn has impacted me in so many ways. I use it when I am stressed. I use it when I am down. All the same reasons everyone says.

Right now I have been out of work for a couple of months and my use has escalated. I am suffering from PIED and used PMO today for what I want to be the final time. I have a loving wife and two daughters and though they are supportive of me they don't know most of what I have gone through and I want to be a better man for them. I am hoping as I recover, I become more productive, more sensitive, more loving. I hope to stop turning my head at anything in a skirt while my wife is with me.

Today, I deleted all the porn on my computer along with all the apps I used to access it and closed my usenet account. I also threw out the vast majority of the toys we had as I don't want them here as a trigger.

I am grateful for finding the site and for what I see as a supportive community. After 40+ years of addiction I have no idea what I am in for but I am going to do everything I can to get over this once and for all.

Note to self: stay strong.  Note to everyone else: Stay well.

So according to the recovery counter I put on my phone, I am at hour 20... not even a full day yet. It's weird, I normally don't think about porn when I am away from it (mostly I guess because it was always at my fingertips). Yesterday though, after deleteing everything and cleaning my house phone etc. I noticed that I started thinking about images from the past - the first magazine I saw in 1977, the first time I got a computer, the first time I move from vanilla to other... It was weird. Then right before I work up this morning I had a dream about me staring at the screen deciding what to look at with a glazed over look on my face. I awoke from the dream when I heard my wife (standing behind me in the dream) say honey, honey, snap out of it... I knew you had a problem but I didn't know it was that bad. Wow!

20 hours down. Busy day ahead. I'll be into my second day before I know it.

Hi GR-thanks for sharing your story, and kudos to you for taking the steps necessary to be the man of integrity that you want to be for yourself and your family.  I hope you will resolve to stay committed to the process, even in the midst of slips and slides that may arise.  I have been here for about 9 months and am doing pretty good but haven't fully arrived where I want to be.

If you haven't done so already, try to read up on the neuroscience angle of this stuff, with a book like Your Brian On Porn or similar materials located on this site-this knowledge is helpful for understanding the battle we are up against.

20 hours is actually awesome-humble beginnings I call it, but beginnings none the less.  Take care, and stay in touch.  You are doing the right thing.       

Thanks Jixu,

I've been reading your thread and it gives me hope. I'm now at 1:21:48 and counting. Today my brain is playing with me so I guess it is game time lol. I have been having flashbacks (if you can use that word) to favorite images, activities etc. All I can do is keep myself occupied with other things so I am hitting the gym and doing some work on a course I enrolled in. I can feel the distraction and lack a patience building but I am aware of that, so it will help me in what I now see is going to be a battle.

I ordered the book Your Brain on Porn and it arrived yesterday, so I am going to add it to my reading time today. Distraction, knowledge, distraction distraction distraction :)

Have a great day and I wish you continued success.

Great job on awareness-yes, it is indeed a battle.  Whatever you have been doing the last couple of days keep doing it!  Have a great week! 


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