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Today is the first day of the rest of my life

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GottaReboot:
So the subject line is cheesy but it is how I feel.  I am soon to be 55 and have been using porn since I was about 12. Two things happened that year. I was sexually assaulted by a neighbor and my brother showed me his porn collection. Since then porn has be a constant in my life. I have been in therapy for about 4 months dealing with all of these issues and my therapist has been amazing but I know I need to take the next step. Porn has impacted me in so many ways. I use it when I am stressed. I use it when I am down. All the same reasons everyone says.

Right now I have been out of work for a couple of months and my use has escalated. I am suffering from PIED and used PMO today for what I want to be the final time. I have a loving wife and two daughters and though they are supportive of me they don't know most of what I have gone through and I want to be a better man for them. I am hoping as I recover, I become more productive, more sensitive, more loving. I hope to stop turning my head at anything in a skirt while my wife is with me.

Today, I deleted all the porn on my computer along with all the apps I used to access it and closed my usenet account. I also threw out the vast majority of the toys we had as I don't want them here as a trigger.

I am grateful for finding the site and for what I see as a supportive community. After 40+ years of addiction I have no idea what I am in for but I am going to do everything I can to get over this once and for all.

Note to self: stay strong.  Note to everyone else: Stay well.

GottaReboot:
So according to the recovery counter I put on my phone, I am at hour 20... not even a full day yet. It's weird, I normally don't think about porn when I am away from it (mostly I guess because it was always at my fingertips). Yesterday though, after deleteing everything and cleaning my house phone etc. I noticed that I started thinking about images from the past - the first magazine I saw in 1977, the first time I got a computer, the first time I move from vanilla to other... It was weird. Then right before I work up this morning I had a dream about me staring at the screen deciding what to look at with a glazed over look on my face. I awoke from the dream when I heard my wife (standing behind me in the dream) say honey, honey, snap out of it... I knew you had a problem but I didn't know it was that bad. Wow!

20 hours down. Busy day ahead. I'll be into my second day before I know it.

jixu:
Hi GR-thanks for sharing your story, and kudos to you for taking the steps necessary to be the man of integrity that you want to be for yourself and your family.  I hope you will resolve to stay committed to the process, even in the midst of slips and slides that may arise.  I have been here for about 9 months and am doing pretty good but haven't fully arrived where I want to be.

If you haven't done so already, try to read up on the neuroscience angle of this stuff, with a book like Your Brian On Porn or similar materials located on this site-this knowledge is helpful for understanding the battle we are up against.

20 hours is actually awesome-humble beginnings I call it, but beginnings none the less.  Take care, and stay in touch.  You are doing the right thing.       

GottaReboot:
Thanks Jixu,

I've been reading your thread and it gives me hope. I'm now at 1:21:48 and counting. Today my brain is playing with me so I guess it is game time lol. I have been having flashbacks (if you can use that word) to favorite images, activities etc. All I can do is keep myself occupied with other things so I am hitting the gym and doing some work on a course I enrolled in. I can feel the distraction and lack a patience building but I am aware of that, so it will help me in what I now see is going to be a battle.

I ordered the book Your Brain on Porn and it arrived yesterday, so I am going to add it to my reading time today. Distraction, knowledge, distraction distraction distraction :)

Have a great day and I wish you continued success.

jixu:
Great job on awareness-yes, it is indeed a battle.  Whatever you have been doing the last couple of days keep doing it!  Have a great week! 

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