Author Topic: What is really going on here?  (Read 102 times)

Aimzzz

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What is really going on here?
« on: January 14, 2020, 02:21:03 AM »
Hi,

I'm new here but a long time lurker on support forums regarding this situation so please stick with me if I'm not posting in the correct way. I will give a *trigger warning* for porn and infidelity just to be sure and excuse any typos...On mobile.

So it's come to a head today where I'm just so lost that I don't really know what the reality of our situation is anymore. I'm not sure if this is an addiction or something entirely different.

We've been together 16 years. We are now in our 30s with children. First together from 17 and 19 so very immature and no idea how relationships worked when we started out. The porn use started within the year, caught by accident. I slowly caught more and more over the next few years and it always ended the same. Extreme hurt, promises to stop and it continuing anyway. After a few years I just felt broken, I felt ugly, unwanted and rejected. Any conversation to talk about what it was doing to me was rug swept, just flat out ignored or on some occasions would turn into a heated screaming match. I would ask questions about the porn trying to show I didn't blame him but wanted solutions so we were both happy such as what needs are being met by this behaviour but I was always given the same reason, because I want to. By now the trust was gone and the suspicion of what else he could be doing was taking over. He would go out to the pub after work leaving me at home with the kids and not come home, I would be beside myself in fear thinking the worst case scenarios. We couldn't talk about it in the morning, it would turn into a fight. On the rare occasion he did want to discuss it, he always said nothing happened and it wouldn't happen again which it did.

This lead to me acting out myself through an affair. I met the man 3 or 4 times before ending it out of guilt. For a time I felt better about myself, that I wasnt unattractive or unwanted. It felt nice to be the object of someones attention and to feel someone was interested in me but that only lasted for a short time till the reality of it sunk in that not only was it not making me feel better because this person isn't my husband but now I was a cheater too.

After this I went into my shell, never told my husband and promised myself I would find a way to fix our marraige. I went head down tail up and concentrated on our house and kids. The porn continued, the promises to stop etc etc. I would try to open up discussion about how I was feeling, what he was getting out of it and how we could fix this. By now our sex life was terrible. It was me initiating and I was rejected regularly. When he was interested it was a horrible experience and I'd cry myself to sleep afterwards out of loneliness. I would keep it all locked up then after so many discussions being stonewalled or a snarky comment from him I would explode. Tears and emotional junk talk would just come streaming out of my mouth. I'd scream and yell, most of the time probably incoherent with the amount I had to say. Just terrible exploding behaviour that was like a pressure relief for me but extremely unhealthy.

There came a point after our last child was born that I just accepted this is the way it was going to be and I needed to get used to it. I stopped trying to talk about it for awhile seeing it made things worse, when a new discovery was made I didn't say anything but that I knew and would walk away. I was then diagnosed with anxiety. This is when the suspicion turned full force. I felt like something worse was going on, I was terrified about what I didn't know. Eventually after me pressing and pressing for months he admitted to visiting a prostitute at the start of our relationship. I came clean with what I had done and had hoped this might be a new turning point for creating something better. That didn't go to plan, he was under the impression that I just needed to get over it, it was years ago and shouldn't hurt and that there is nothing wrong with porn. Things got extremely worse between us. I would explain over and over what I need to regain trust and he never took it seriously. He would rebuff all my feelings, tell me I was wrong or tell me that's not going to work. If I pushed the conversation he would loose the plot. I tried to open up conversation about what he needs from me and would get nothing. So since then we've scooted along on autopilot. Ive suffered severe depression for the past 4 years. The state of our relationship is in the bin. He's just unavailable and distant. I'm not sure if hes been looking at porn in that time. Our sex life has been the way it goes when he has been. His behaviour has been that of when he is. I know of one instance he did during that time and for the last 2 months.

So here we are now. He is telling me that he hasn't done it in the last few years and Ive spent years accusing him of doing it so why shouldn't he do it. From my side I've asked over the years if he has been when things have felt extremely suspicious with him. I've also bought up the discussion on repairing the damage to our relationship because of it which always turned into a heated argument that makes matters worse. I dont believe I've been accusing him of doing it for years. I have repeadly bought up the issues that affect us those being I have extreme trust issues with him which has seeped into our everyday lives. I can't go out with him without be triggered when he stares at women. Certain circumstances are triggers so I avoid places or situations which he gets annoyed at me about and a little understanding would help. His disinterest in spending time with the children and I and just the all over lack in our marraige and how miserable it is. These all need to be resolved.

Now he is angry that I don't trust him, he was caught 2 months ago with incognito porn and it's happened again since, just recently this morning when this all came to a head. He wants me to believe that he hasn't been looking in years. He knows I had no way to verify if he ever was or wasn't and I feel like I'm being blamed for the porn use now. If I just had of rug swept the issue of rebuilding and my lack of trust and suspicion for the last few years he wouldn't be doing it now. He also told me I don't deserve respect after the way I have behaved and that I've been abusive over the years. I've been trying to rattle my head around this. I feel like I'm now in the position of I'm not allowed to be angry and I'm not allowed to feel hurt and their will never be healing because in his eyes I don't deserve it. He wont stop now because he doesnt respect me enough. One part of me is saying that this is just him justifying it. That it's an excuse for him to keep doing it and not have to deal with the heavy lifting to make this right. The other side of me is saying well what if he is right? Do I really deserve him to make the effort after what I have done. I have been abusive, Ive exploded in anger at him over the years, I've also cheated. He doesnt need to make anything up to me. If he doesnt respect me then I can't expect him to care how I feel or work through it with me. I can't expect him to be empathetic to how much damage it has caused me and learn how to meet my needs. Those are what I need to heal from it but with how I've behaved I really dont deserve that from him.

Yet he still wants to stay married but it seems it's under the condition that he can continue on with how he is behaving and me not trying to change that. I'm definitely not ok with this. I feel extremely damaged, I don't feel my needs are being met and I'm lonely, miserable and just craving connection in my marraige. I can't see how he would be ok with living like this either. He booked an appointment with a counsellor this morning begrudgingly so I'm not sure if that's a start or just another attempt to placate me with no follow through intended.

I can't see what's going on, I'm trying but it just looks so misty
Am I missing something?

malando

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Re: What is really going on here?
« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2020, 08:05:04 PM »
First, porn addicts are liars - don't believe him when he says he stopped for years. If that were the case, you would have noticed a big difference in his attitude to you, and in particular, his level of sexual interest in you. If her stayed the same, he's lying. He's gaslighting you - making you doubt your instincts and question whether you are the problem in order to deflect the blame. I think the reason you cheated is because the devotion and loyalty within your relationship is at critically low levels. He's withdrawn from you in all the senses you need him. It's not ideal to have an affair, but it is understandable after years of neglect and feeling unwanted. You should forgive yourself for that. I don't see this situation getting any better for you unless you deliver some stern ultimatums about what you need, and what you aren't willing to accept. He can't behave like a porn-addled teenager and also receive the family support he's taking for granted. There has to be some effort on his part to treat you with more respect and to acknowledge that he is completely under the spell of his addiction. I think you'll probably need counselling to get anywhere with it because clearly if your discussions always devolve into raging arguments, you can't reach any positives conclusions that way.  Best wishes, M.

Gracie

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Re: What is really going on here?
« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2020, 05:56:08 AM »
This is a tough thing for wives.  A lot of times for me it seemed like a dog chasing its tail.  I will post more later. But, set a small goal to work towards. For yourself.  For me one goal I had when I discovered his use was to wring his neck..lol.  However I went on line to see if there were other women.  At that time not many.  I hopped in to a men’s forum and asked questions and learned a lot and I think they did too.  Spill your feelings here.  Because there are so many thoughts.  You can PM me if their is something you feel is too personal.  But, you are in the right place!