Author Topic: My confession  (Read 277 times)

Curly Bill

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My confession
« on: January 13, 2020, 02:54:34 PM »
Day 01

This isn't my first time using RN, but I pray it's my last.  I've climbed the hill a few times, made it to 90 twice, but here I am again after more than a year's absence.  My dance with Porn and MO began when I was 8.  A neighbor friend introduced me to his dad's stash of mags and that is where it all started.  My wife knows my whole history with it and she knows I've been on here before.  What she doesn't know is I fell off again last year and have been struggling off and on ever since.

After my initial intro at 8, my exposure to porn was limited until my family got cable tv.  It wasn't long before I discovered that channel at the end of the dial, it may have been distorted but my 12-year-old brain instinctively recognized the content and now it was in motion with sound.  I soon modified the box and distortion was no longer a problem.  From 12 till 16 I masturbated multiple times a day, whenever I could get time alone with my tv.  At 16 I started driving and for several years this kept me out of the house more and more and away from the porn/pmo.

Fast forward to 92' and I started dating my wife, we didn't have intercourse until our wedding night but we did mess around some and this all but erased any porn usage or pmo sessions.  We married in 95' and things remained quiet as I had a full schedule and regular sex with my wife.  Then came 98', a friend introduced us to this new thing called, "The Web" and I think the second or third thing I ever searched was nude images.  Within a week we had the net in our house and unlimited access to everything available.  By then my wife was in college, working nights and I was home alone a great deal.  My personal belief is that viewing porn, masturbating to it is a sin, its adultery of the heart and I am guilty of it, a thousand times over and a thousand times again.

After 98' came VHS, then DVD and so on and so forth.  I've never been with another woman besides my wife and I've never been to a strip club or sought any sexual favors from anyone but her.  I have no more secret saved files, no movies left, just my tendency to self medicate with pmo.  I have ADD and whenever I'm bored or stressed is when I typically crash & burn.  I work from home over the internet and I've tried filters and image blockers to hinder my access, but they end up interferring with my work so I've ditched them as well.  My issue comes from inside, I blame no one but me, I choose to do it, I just wish I didn't...  Before I came on here today I'd already pmo'd 3 times this morning, my first time in about a week.  All I know to do is put my head down and begin again.  Shame will rear its head prolly tomorrow followed by extreme depression and for several days my outlook will be quite bad, but thats the price I pay for what I do, along with the finacial disaster I've made of our life though being impulsive and pleasure seeking.  That's it.
« Last Edit: January 13, 2020, 03:01:55 PM by Curly Bill »

Curly Bill

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Re: My confession
« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2020, 09:21:20 AM »
Day 02

I didn't wake up feeling great, but that's life at 49 I suppose.  I've learned to adopt the attitude that everything that happens in my life is an opportunity to learn, good or bad.  For years I didn't see eye to eye with my father, even just a few months ago.  My parents are 82 & 77, my dad has been retired since 93', but mom kept going till this past year.  For the longest time I believed my mother when she'd tell me how poorly my father treated her, how controlling he was, but this past Christmas my eyes began to open to the truth.  When I was a child my mother excused all behavior by saying, "She did it because she loves me".  While I believe she does love me, her motivation was something else altogether, she manipulates people and situations to get what she wants and almost nothing is out of bounds to her.  If I listed things individually most people would write it off as nothing, but over time I now see a pattern of behavior going back decades that reveals her true nature.  I have trouble watching some tv shows because the plot will hit so close to home that I get furious or depressed seeing it.  My wife told me I should work on forgiving her.  I feel like I've forgiven her and most of the time I just put the past out of my mind, but if a memory gets triggered, ALL the pain comes rushing back from that moment and I feel it just as fresh as I did then.  All the betrayal, the manipulation, the deception, all of it. 

My younger sister is the defiant one in our family, she just does what and how she wants.  Me, I was always very quiet and compliant and this led to me letting my parents dictate the career path I started on after highschool.  I wanted to go to tech school to learn to be an auto mechanic so that one day I could have a shop of my own.  This idea was met with disdain and refusal.  My father was an electrical engineer, so he concluded I should take my love of things mechanical and combine it with engineering and become a mechanical engineer.  One small problem I sucked at math, barely graduated high school on time with a 2.0 GPA and now they want me to be an engineer.  Before my first year was done I had flunked out and what little self-esteem I had was decimated.  Towards the end, I was so far behind and doing so badly that I was too ashamed to go to class and face the teacher.  I'd drive to campus every day and park and then just sit in my car till it was time to go home.  After everything came to light I was so ashamed and defeated I just drifted for a while.  After that I got to go to the tech school I always wanted to go to, but instead of taking auto mechanics I took welding, I'm not sure why, but I think maybe in my mind they had so stigmatized it as a shameful profession I just avoided it.  Ironically I made the deans list, from flunked out to the dean's list in no time.  While I was there I was exposed to machine shop and so I transferred to that course of study and was doing well.  Somewhere at the beginning of my second year, I came in one night to school and found they'd fired all the instructors and announced the program was being terminated in 2 qtrs and that we'd all get FULL credit.  Things went from bad to worse and when I spoke up about the sham they asked me to leave.  Thus ended my education.

I currently work as an auto mechanic with my uncle(Mom's baby brother, 65) he was always my hero growing up, but I only saw maybe him twice or 3 times a year.  Since working with him the past 2 years I've gotten to see the real person he is versus the view I had idolizing him as a child.  He only hired me because his partner left and his back makes it impossible to do most of the work.  I've also learned along the way that my uncle and my mother share a lot of traits, the first being extreme stubbornness, second they are both very selfish, but they try to hide it.  The third is they both lie and distort things to get what they want or to have people think the way they want about them.  When I was child I didn't notice these attributes, it wasn't till I began dating my wife that my mother revealed how far she'd go to get what she wants, but once I got married that seem to all die down and I thought it was just a blip on the radar screen.  Now I see them how they are and it completely changed how I see and feel about my father.  I only bring all that up because I've been looking back over my life and trying to understand why I seek comfort in porn/pmo. 

My mother was in therapy most of my life beginning when I was 5, she was in and out of a couple of institutions when I was little and takes a myriad of different prescriptions.  My uncle as well has health issues, but 98% of them are of his own making, although he lies to get sympathy from anyone who'll listen to his sob story, with me standing there to hear the bs.  I'm sure anybody reading this is wondering what all this has to do with porn or rebooting, well I don't know, it was on my mind this morning and I thought I'd write it down.

I didn't share all that to try and lay the blame for my pmo habit on them, I choose to do it voluntarily, but I'm trying to understand why or how I got here.  My usage of pmo isn't because of some crazy uncontrollable impulse, at least not anymore.  My usage is stupid, it's like I'm sitting here working and some passing thought will enter my head and I'll casually go search it knowing where it's taking me and what I'll do.  Most of the time I will just wave it away, but sometimes I don't and it's that simple.  When I was in my late 20's when all this first got going, I was doing courier work just driving around and I would have these wild unbearable impulses I just couldn't ignore.  So I'd go to a store and buy multiple mags or a movie store and buy multiple movies and then go home and wank myself silly for an hour.  Afterward, I'd feel horrible, full of shame, confess everything to God and then burn all the evidence so I couldn't go back to it easily.  I remember once I was in an adult store buying movies(on credit) and when I went to check out the cashier asked me if I was sure I wanted all these because it was going to be expensive.  I wish I would've just walked away, but I didn't.  I didn't.

Not sure why at that point in my life I was so desperate for it, but I was.  Maybe God is doing as he promised and giving me the new heart I asked for and its just taking time to work out all kinks.  I purposely make it a point, no matter the situation I find myself in, to look around and find the lesson in it for me.  Anyway, that's it for today.

Peace
« Last Edit: January 14, 2020, 09:51:19 AM by Curly Bill »

joepanic

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Re: My confession
« Reply #2 on: January 14, 2020, 10:21:30 AM »
Hey Curly Bill

     I read your posting with great interest. Our stories are quite similar asis our ages(I'm 48)  My parents gave me very little latitude and it was a very much there way or ther highway and I bought into everythiung they said.  One big thing was my dad was quite into porn.  When I was 9 or 10  of course I fugured out he had a stash of mags. In the early 80s  we got a vcr  and it wasnt long before he  had quite the collection of porn  vhs tapes  and no matter how much he kept them locked away  I always found a way to get them. From there it was the usual path moving out on my own obtaining my own material and on to the free internet shit.  We all know that story.

     What strikes me is your comments on buying  binging on it and burning the  evidence.  I too did the same   I would  use mags  and than bury them  figuring I would stop.  Only to dig them up a week later and try to clean them off.  at 1st I did this in the backyard.  Than in a forest a 10 minute walk from our house   and do the same thing  bury them and go and retrieve them.  I was perhaps 13 or 14 at the time   incredible how  I could be addicted at that age  and of course there was no understanding of it at all.  Well times are changing  for sure.

   Its an interesting one about how to attribute blame for this  addiction   as I learn more I am coming to the conclusion that it is not 100% all my fault.  But  coming toi the conclusiion I am sick and wanting to get better is 100% for me to work out.

     Cheers

     Post often it helps me it helps you.

Curly Bill

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Re: My confession
« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2020, 09:21:33 AM »
Day 03

The third day, for Christians its symbolic of Christ's resurrection from the dead, forever breaking the chains of the law of sin and death.  We have hope, I have hope, the victory is already won, it's just that we get in our own way with our pursuit of selfish pleasure.  I don't have all the answers but I am seeking.  I've added daily reading of Proverbs to my strategy and eliminating those things in my life that may stir up old memories or lead to lustful thoughts.  I do know taking our thoughts captive is pivotal to winning this fight.

@ Joepanic, thanks for dropping by and posting I appreciate it.  Yes, going back to my earliest struggles with leaving pmo behind I realized if I didn't destroy the materials I was using I would soon find myself digging in the woods as well.

Today its harder to avoid porn/psubs than in years past, at least for me it is.  When I was a kid in the 70's it was mainly magazines.  We didn't have anything in our house at the time, but my neighbor's father had a vast library of mags and even some custom cut out centerfolds mounted on wooden backgrounds on the wall, it was in a large basement closet.  Once we went in we had no worries of being disturbed or caught for long periods of time.  PMO didn't enter the game for me until I was 12 with the addition of cable tv to our house.  Going back to the 70's I had a total of 3 different caches of mags I could access, My neighbor's house, my uncle's closet in my grandmother's house and a family friend who needed someone to feed their cat when they went out of town had a collection. 

I'm a firm believer in the unseen realm, that God and Angels and Demons, etc all exist and are all around us just unseen, but we can be influenced by them.  Ever since this battle with porn started up with me I could locate it anywhere, even with it hidden.  No matter where I was if porn was somewhere around I could find it hidden.  It was like it spoke to me or I was drawn to it, but I believe it was an evil spirit leading me, to keep me enslaved.  That friend who needed me to feed their cat, there was no evidence they had anything like that, but once I was alone in their house the first time I could feel its presence.  I remember having fed the cat and was making my way towards the door through the living room when I just felt like I should go and look in this specific cabinet and boom there it was.  No, I didn't rummage through their house I went straight to where porn was stored without being told.  All along through my adolescence, that happened to me time and time again.  The odds of that happening over and over are staggering, so no I don't think it was dumb luck.  As a child, I didn't realize what was happening, only when I was older and struggling did it occur to me what had been happening.

So anyway, its day 3, no urges, no temptations although yesterday I did have a passing thought of a search I could do, but I dismissed it quickly and moved on.  Later on, dudes.

Peace

SaxonJack

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Re: My confession
« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2020, 10:59:33 AM »
Day 03


 Ever since this battle with porn started up with me I could locate it anywhere, even with it hidden.  No matter where I was if porn was somewhere around I could find it hidden.  It was like it spoke to me or I was drawn to it,

Peace

CB,

When I read this, it reminded me of the MANY times that I would find porn, be it VHS, magazines, or DVDs,  I could find it even when i wasn't looking.  But I cannot remember one time where i didn't get excited and grab it.  Never once did i pass it by.  I always made a conscious effort to pick it up, and of course immediately look at it and then hide it.

I do acknowledge that every time i view pornography and masturbate, I have to make a conscious decision to do it. 
I'm not yet willing to blame an addiction, I'd rather blame myself. 
As such, having a goal of "no PMO" is completely unappealing to me.  I don't have any desire to focus on "not doing something".  But, I can get excited about doing something else - something fun, productive, meaningful.  I can't count the number of hours of my life that I've WASTED with PMO.  Looking back, I wish I would have spent that time productively.  Most anything seems more productive than PMO.  And going forward, I'd much rather focus on what I do want to do (in Christian context - how I can be obedient and walk in a way that is both pleasing to my LORD, and fundamentally beneficial to me and all of those around me).

If in my Christian walk, I focus on "not sinning", how successful will I be?  That's right, I'm going to fail.  And I know it. 
But if I focus on following Christ, what can I find there?  Love, Joy, Peace, Patience....

SJ

joepanic

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Re: My confession
« Reply #5 on: January 15, 2020, 11:29:46 AM »
Hey Curly

      Yes i was bad for seeking it out too in all its forms  to the point of snooping where i should not have(this took place obver 30 years ago when i was quite younger)  I'm so glad those days are long behind me.  Even though I am only 36 days in  I have an insatiable lust to seek out other things.  Things that are helping me to grow as a person  and help my family in becoming much more sucessfull.

    Nice going on 3 days clean  push hard for  the small victory of 5 days and a quick jump to 1 week clean

   Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you

Curly Bill

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Re: My confession
« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2020, 08:37:41 AM »
Day 04

4 down, I appreciate the words of encouragement gentlemen, its good knowing you're not alone or the only one.  It's quiet here, whenever I get a free moment I do some introspection and prayer.  Like I stated before, in my late 20's when this became a full-blown addiction or negative pattern of behavior if you like, I would feel consumed by the urge to the point of madness.  Today is different, the fire that once consumed me has been extinguished all except a few remaining stubborn embers and its those embers that I want to finally extinguish.  Feel free to correct me if I wrong on this next bit, but last night I was pondering what it is I keep clinging to, what is it I'm afraid to leave behind and let go of that I turn to pmo?  In my heart and my mind, I agree that porn is lethal, that it is sinful, that it is objectifying and in no way has any redeeming qualities of its own.  I know all the science, I know the life expectancy of a performer is less than half of the rest of the population, I know what the Bible plainly says about it too and I agree with all of it.  I've gone 128 days without before and then again another 90+ and countless times I've gone nearly a month, only to again turn back to it again and again.  I know all about dopamine and breaking habits, but for some reason, I just can't lay my finger on the last tie that holds me to porn/pmo.  Is it as simple as, "I like it"?  Why won't I let it go and be done?  I'm not downing myself, I know that can lead to a relapse, but I want to clean my place out completely, I've mopped the floors, swept, emptied the trash, but this odor remains and I can't seem to locate it so I can disinfect it finally...  I know it is something to do with me, its nothing external, it just escapes me what it is and I know if I can finally deal with whatever it is, then I can finally lay it down and walk away, for good.

Later, Dudes.

joepanic

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Re: My confession
« Reply #7 on: January 16, 2020, 10:03:11 AM »
Good morning  Curly

      Yes it is  funny  how there seems to be something that still wants us to hang on  to porn I too have experience it to a degree.  The idea that we might just have "liked the stuff"  might  have something to do with it.  We need to be honoust   our brains  did  and still do like looking at ladies nude bodies  but then it became boring  and  and we moved on to something more extreme   and more and more  and I suppose now were starving that appetite and it's still looking to be fed.   Must do more reading and research on the topic  i suppose

   cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you

SaxonJack

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Re: My confession
« Reply #8 on: January 16, 2020, 10:50:28 AM »

  Is it as simple as, "I like it"? 


I ask myself the same question often. 
How many times am I going to fall for the same deception?
Going into it, it looks very appealing! (I like it).  But afterwards, suddenly I don't like it anymore.  Its as though I've been sold a false bill of goods, or I've fallen for a bait-and-switch. Again.

From the Jesus perspective, I wish to ask the question, "Do I want to be powerful enough to resist this forever, or totally eliminate it from my life?"  To be honest, NO, I don't.  Several years ago I completely gave up PMO, I had NO urges, NO temptation.  Because, I had replaced it with pursuing other women.  I focused so much of my attention on working out, getting fit and lean, dressing better, chatting/flirting with just about any good looking woman.  And enough of the women were "responding" to keep me going.  I enjoyed the attention. I loved the interest. I would try techniques that I learned on the internet, and THEY WORKED!!  They worked with me, boring old dude in his 50s, they worked!  I lost ALL interest in porn. 
One big problem - I AM MARRIED.  I'm a Christian, I love my wife, I'm committed to her. 
I just figured it would be OK to have a side-chick.  (I never got close)

Of the two evils, I'd rather be struggling with PMO, than to destroy my marriage by having an affair. 

Yes, I just replaced one vice with another.  Then switched back.

SJ


jixu

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Re: My confession
« Reply #9 on: January 17, 2020, 10:45:17 AM »
Hi Curly!  Like you said, "All I know to do is put my head down and begin again."  This stunningly simple yet amazingly profound line captures the reality of what is going on here.  Yet, you also mentioned embers, a good description of the simple fact that you have turned the tide now and moved conceptually and physically into the final stages of elimination. 

Looking forward to following your progress!  You're doing it dude, keep going!   

Curly Bill

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Re: My confession
« Reply #10 on: January 17, 2020, 12:27:15 PM »
Day 05

Well, yesterday afternoon was interesting, I had something happen I don't remember ever experiencing before.  For me, usually after a wank-fest like the one I had before I started up again on this time on RN, I have a lull in "the action" for a few days, temptations are easily batted away if any even come up.  Yesterday mid-afternoon I was working and I was under a time deadline and I began to feel myself getting anxious and right alongside it I felt myself begin to have the urge to pmo.  What was interesting was I felt separate from it, it was like I had 2 brains running in tandem and one was getting anxious and beginning to struggle, but the second one, the one that I occupied was fine.  I began to hear myself calming reassure myself, "You're okay, this urge will pass, just wait."  So I kept working, even as I did, I could feel blood flow increasing in my, "fun-zone" and the urges slightly intensified, but I held on.  I encouraged myself further, refocused on my work and within a few minutes all the thoughts and urges began to subside.  I don't recall ever having felt separate from that situation before, can't explain it, but I give all the glory to God. 

On a side note, I've been changing how I eat, actually, I and my wife both have.  For years we both had awful work schedules and we ended building bad eating habits with vast amounts of fast food.  2 weeks ago we changed that dramatically.  To give a quick back story, my wife has never really experienced good health and had a tumultuous relationship with her mother, who passed unexpectedly a week before thanksgiving.  Needless to say, we're both "overweight" and tried some different diets and exercises to improve our health with limited success. 

8 years ago my wife was bitten multiple times over a season by ticks, she got really sick.  The doctor assumed Lyme disease from her symptoms and treated her with antibiotics and tested her for an accurate diagnosis.  Oddly the test came back negative and the treatment made her sicker, but she soldiered on.  Time rolled on and her symptoms never really left they only diminished temporarily, but anytime she takes ANY antibiotics they come rushing back with fury. 

About 5 years ago another doc took a stab at it, first testing for Lyme again and then Lupus, both test came back negative, but being the arrogant ass doctor he was he just came up with a BS excuse, called what she had serum-negative(meaning she has it but no test can see it) and passed her along to someone else and ignored all the information we'd gather regarding what effects her symptoms negatively. 

About a year ago I began following Jordan Peterson, he is freaking awesome!!!  Then about 4 months ago I saw an interview he did on Joe Rogan's podcast and he mentioned his struggles with depression and anxiety and how drugs had been almost no help, but changing his diet had changed everything.  Then he mentioned his daughter and her struggles with depression and arthritis from 3 years old!!!  They both did an elimination diet called, "The Lion Diet" which is, BEEF ONLY.  I failed to mention my wife struggles with a vast number of allergies, mostly food, but some of her outbreaks reminded me of Jordan's daughter, Mikala and her food issues.  So we took the plunge, we bought a "Ninja Air-Fryer", cleaned out our kitchen to the bare walls and restocked with NOTHING but beef. 

Its been 2 weeks for my wife and about 10 days for me and in that time I got my wife back, suddenly she feels amazing, she's telling jokes all the time and she's lost more than 10 pounds.  Her face is no longer swollen and quite frankly she is looking pretty darn good.  Most people you mention it to think you are off your nut, but I'm all about what works and this is working, for both of us.  I've lost 10 pounds and 2 pant sizes, I just donated all my 40-inch waist pants yesterday to goodwill.(They were literally falling off and my belt had no more holes to use) 

I'm a firm believer in the Cortez school of motivation, when he first arrived in the new world he had his men burn their ships, so they'd be keenly motivated.  Damn straight, no going back, only forward.  I've had to modify my diet slightly in that it was too expensive for both of us to stay on the "steak only" diet so I'm more of a "carnivore diet", I do chicken, pork and some beef to get the cost more manageable.  This was all intended to help her and I went along so it'd be more of a team effort.

Keep on rockin' in the free world

Curly Bill

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Re: My confession
« Reply #11 on: January 18, 2020, 08:00:39 PM »
Day 06

Its been a quiet day, me and my wife spent the whole day remodeling my grandparent's house that we are moving into in 2 weeks.  Making some good friends and learning some new things.  Back to work Monday, my uncle is back from having pneumonia so the shop he owns(where I work) has been closed up since last friday.

Later on.

Curly Bill

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Re: My conversion to sceptisism
« Reply #12 on: January 19, 2020, 06:33:23 PM »
Day 07

Today was a good day.  Started off with wifey initiating sex this morning followed by a productive day of renovation at our other house.  I hope my sharing isn't triggering to anyone, its just the facts of the matter.  Urges to pmo have been minuscule so far, the only way to describe them is like being occasionally bothered by a single gnat that is easily knocked down and dispatched.  I'm not trying to brag, it is just that, this is how its been feeling, could change tomorrow, but the remaining embers I mentioned earlier on, at this point, are dwindling in number and effect.  It is not me, I am NOT a strong-willed disciplined person.  In fact, my body is a wreck, my finances are a disaster and all of is directly linked to my usage of pmo as my drug of choice for what Ailes me at that moment.  I wonder if what's helping me isn't only my renewed faith in God, but also the changes I've been making in other areas of my life too, which in my mind are urgings from God.

For decades, going back to probably when I was 16 I had a goal, a desire to pursue a certain profession, its an unconventional profession, but an honorable one.  I didn't pursue it in the correct way and as a result, have never reached that goal, I didn't dedicate myself to it fully and over time it has slipped away, but I still held out hope and even made some financial decisions with it in mind along the way.  Recently I've come to terms with my shortcomings in regard to that, I've accepted the responsibility for my lack of success and confessed it to God and essentially laid my dream at His feet.  I've accepted that that goal will most likely never happen for me, but if it is going to ever be anything it must come from God.  I'm not saying that I don't have to do anything to achieve it, but its been made clear to me that I need to focus on some other areas of my life and let that lay for now.  So, I know that was all kinda cryptic, but here goes, I've chosen to be a better man, a better Christian and a better husband for my wife over pursuing blindly my dream.  I'm currently 49, 5'-11" and #247, my debt load rivals NASA's budget(sarcasm) and I have NOT been the leader in our home she wants and deserves. 

First, I decided we needed to make some serious changes to our eating, she has more allergies than you can shake a stick at and doctors have been of no use, so I put us on an elimination diet, the "Lion Diet", ALL beef.  Initially, it was gonna be for 30 days, but finances forced me to adjust to the "Carnivore Diet"(Beef, Pork, Chicken & fish).  So far she has been doing amazingly well and we've both lost weight.  Second, I reigned in our spending and as we speak are getting our home ready to sell and moving into my grandparent's old home place to eliminate some of our debt and free up some cash flow.  Third, I plan to dive into scripture in a serious way, not just simply reading the Bible, but studying it, getting into the original Greek & Hebrew/Aramaic text and then eventually finding a new church home.  I was raised Southern Baptist, but certain teachings popular to that denomination I have found recently run contrary to what the actual Bible teaches so I'm not sure yet where we'll land.  Anyone interested in what I'm talking about should check out:
"Dr Michael S Heiser" at Nakedbible.com
"Gary Demar" at Americanvision.com/
as well as R.C. Sproul, Hank Hanegraaff, and Kenneth L Gentry Jr.

Believe it or not this journey started for me in 2011 on the anniversary of 9/11.  I was watching the memorial shows, remembering where I was and what I was doing when things began to happen on that day and then I saw the footage of WTC 7's collapse.  I'd never seen that footage, had never heard of building 7, I only knew of towers 1& 2 falling, not the third one.   Like most people, I was at work on that day and didn't see everything unfold live on TV, so I missed a lot and just went along with what was being said, for years.   Suddenly in that moment of seeing WTC 7 fall, I recognized it as a demolition, not some collateral damage event, but a planned professional destruction. 

For the next several years I wasn't sure what to do with my realization, who to talk to or where to go, but time marched on.  Over the next few years I became aware of more and more things most people take for granted, but for me were becoming more troublesome.  During the election in 2016 things got so bad I closed all my social media pages and terminated our cable tv, we only have the web now in an effort to shut out the lies.  Since  the election more things that have come to light, the outright disregard of the constitution and more and more I realized just how much I was being lied to on a regular basis by parents, teachers, preachers, politicians, law enforcement and many many more.  The lies just kept piling up, so I decided then and there I was clearing the decks, anything and everything I had ever been taught in school, heard in church or was told by a friend or politician was now considered void and most likely a lie, until proven otherwise.  Now some of these lies were just things repeated but told by others and presented as truth.  So I threw out my entire belief system in science, religion, education, and history, everything except Jesus was wiped from the table, the rest is to be discovered.  I guess I am a full-fledged skeptic, no more, "that's what my grandma told me or my teacher said this or that", prove it or be gone.  Heck maybe the earth really is flat, I know climate change and holes in the ozone are bullshit. 

Shocked?  Good, LOL.

joepanic

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Re: My confession
« Reply #13 on: January 20, 2020, 10:16:17 AM »
Hey Curly

    Nice going on a week   now aim for the 10 day mark

     Indeed we are a little the same  I read your posting as to how your changing many aspects of your life  I too am doing that   porn gone  better nutritional eating  more excersize and reigning in the spending and waste

     Stay the course and keep at it

  cheers

     Post often it helps me it helps you

Curly Bill

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Re: My conversion to sceptisism
« Reply #14 on: January 20, 2020, 05:03:22 PM »
Day 08

Been a productive day, the first week is firmly in the rearview and I'm feeling pretty good.  Last night we watched a favorite movie of ours from back in the early '90s, I won't mention the title in case it might trigger someone to seek out what I'm about to mention.  The movie is a comedy with an escaped prisoner and the cast meanders through a few misadventures before happily ever after.  This movie does have 1 pseudo-sex scene, but mostly its some brief nudity of upper bodies, no gyrating or anything, whole scene was maybe 45 seconds tops.  Anyway, I knew it was coming so I had my hand ready on the remote to fast forward and I did, but I did manage to catch a glimpse of her.  Today a couple of times a random thought, kinda distant and weak, but still there, tried to enter my mind.  I remember once having the thought, "Hey why don't you pop that DVD in an get a better look at that scene?"  I declined, I even left the room to do other things, heck a ham sandwich sounds more appealing than throwing away a week for that thrill.  All this did teach me some things though, no matter how good I'm feeling, no matter how long it's been, the habit remains and I must be aware and take steps to overcome it.  So I came to RN to give my daily update.  I know some of my longer threads ramble and most have nothing to do with rebooting directly, but its what I want to write and share, so I do.

SaxonJack

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Re: My confession
« Reply #15 on: January 21, 2020, 10:02:57 AM »
CB,

I liked the Ham Sandwich comment.
The next time that I am tempted to PMO, I'm going to chuckle because it will trigger me to have cravings for a ham sandwich.

Sometimes the simplest of things provide the most joy,
SJ

Curly Bill

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Re: My conversion to sceptisism
« Reply #16 on: January 22, 2020, 09:34:18 PM »
Day 10

We've been really busy and no time for RN.  I'm still good, we're on a deadline to move into our new home before the 2nd and renovations are still ongoing and I'm both contractor and carpenter on this job, plus still working my regular job.  We had intended to be in before Christmas, but we lost November to illness and tragedy.  First, my wife's job makes it mandatory that everyone takes the flu shot and like clockwork, she came down with the flu 2 days later, 2 days after that I came down with it, lasted 2 weeks.  Then suddenly her mother dropped dead of an aneurysm at 66, about 4 months after retiring.  After that came December and Christmas, which was a double whammy as her mom's birthday would've been the day after Christmas.  Stress and grief erased our time table and finally early January we finally got back going with the reno.  Today was upgrading the HVAC, so I left work for an hour to get those guys situated and then on the 27th cable guy is coming(3-hour window) and on the 2nd our new washer is being delivered, oh yeah because ours up and died in the last week.  The house won't be finished when we move in, but we decided we could get more done living there each night instead of driving back and forth all the time.  The kitchen will be good and our bedroom too, but the bath is only 85%, no ceiling and the floor is finished all the way up to, but not into the closet.  No floor molding yet either, but the plumbing is new and functional.  Ugggh.

On the pmo front its been perfect, occasional thoughts have sporadically flown past, but I've continued to quickly dispatch them.  It feels good to be in the place I'm in at this moment, I pray it continues, this is how I want the rest of my life to be.  Enough is enough.

joepanic

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Re: My confession
« Reply #17 on: January 23, 2020, 09:46:56 AM »
Hey Curly

    Sounds like you have alot on your plate   but I guess keeping busy in theory should keep you away from porn  hopefully.  Just be sure to give yourslef a little time to think and keep your eye on your goals.  A chance to  reflect whats working and what isnt

  Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you