Journals > Ages 40 and up

My confession

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Curly Bill:
Day 01

This isn't my first time using RN, but I pray it's my last.  I've climbed the hill a few times, made it to 90 twice, but here I am again after more than a year's absence.  My dance with Porn and MO began when I was 8.  A neighbor friend introduced me to his dad's stash of mags and that is where it all started.  My wife knows my whole history with it and she knows I've been on here before.  What she doesn't know is I fell off again last year and have been struggling off and on ever since.

After my initial intro at 8, my exposure to porn was limited until my family got cable tv.  It wasn't long before I discovered that channel at the end of the dial, it may have been distorted but my 12-year-old brain instinctively recognized the content and now it was in motion with sound.  I soon modified the box and distortion was no longer a problem.  From 12 till 16 I masturbated multiple times a day, whenever I could get time alone with my tv.  At 16 I started driving and for several years this kept me out of the house more and more and away from the porn/pmo.

Fast forward to 92' and I started dating my wife, we didn't have intercourse until our wedding night but we did mess around some and this all but erased any porn usage or pmo sessions.  We married in 95' and things remained quiet as I had a full schedule and regular sex with my wife.  Then came 98', a friend introduced us to this new thing called, "The Web" and I think the second or third thing I ever searched was nude images.  Within a week we had the net in our house and unlimited access to everything available.  By then my wife was in college, working nights and I was home alone a great deal.  My personal belief is that viewing porn, masturbating to it is a sin, its adultery of the heart and I am guilty of it, a thousand times over and a thousand times again.

After 98' came VHS, then DVD and so on and so forth.  I've never been with another woman besides my wife and I've never been to a strip club or sought any sexual favors from anyone but her.  I have no more secret saved files, no movies left, just my tendency to self medicate with pmo.  I have ADD and whenever I'm bored or stressed is when I typically crash & burn.  I work from home over the internet and I've tried filters and image blockers to hinder my access, but they end up interferring with my work so I've ditched them as well.  My issue comes from inside, I blame no one but me, I choose to do it, I just wish I didn't...  Before I came on here today I'd already pmo'd 3 times this morning, my first time in about a week.  All I know to do is put my head down and begin again.  Shame will rear its head prolly tomorrow followed by extreme depression and for several days my outlook will be quite bad, but thats the price I pay for what I do, along with the finacial disaster I've made of our life though being impulsive and pleasure seeking.  That's it.

Curly Bill:
Day 02

I didn't wake up feeling great, but that's life at 49 I suppose.  I've learned to adopt the attitude that everything that happens in my life is an opportunity to learn, good or bad.  For years I didn't see eye to eye with my father, even just a few months ago.  My parents are 82 & 77, my dad has been retired since 93', but mom kept going till this past year.  For the longest time I believed my mother when she'd tell me how poorly my father treated her, how controlling he was, but this past Christmas my eyes began to open to the truth.  When I was a child my mother excused all behavior by saying, "She did it because she loves me".  While I believe she does love me, her motivation was something else altogether, she manipulates people and situations to get what she wants and almost nothing is out of bounds to her.  If I listed things individually most people would write it off as nothing, but over time I now see a pattern of behavior going back decades that reveals her true nature.  I have trouble watching some tv shows because the plot will hit so close to home that I get furious or depressed seeing it.  My wife told me I should work on forgiving her.  I feel like I've forgiven her and most of the time I just put the past out of my mind, but if a memory gets triggered, ALL the pain comes rushing back from that moment and I feel it just as fresh as I did then.  All the betrayal, the manipulation, the deception, all of it. 

My younger sister is the defiant one in our family, she just does what and how she wants.  Me, I was always very quiet and compliant and this led to me letting my parents dictate the career path I started on after highschool.  I wanted to go to tech school to learn to be an auto mechanic so that one day I could have a shop of my own.  This idea was met with disdain and refusal.  My father was an electrical engineer, so he concluded I should take my love of things mechanical and combine it with engineering and become a mechanical engineer.  One small problem I sucked at math, barely graduated high school on time with a 2.0 GPA and now they want me to be an engineer.  Before my first year was done I had flunked out and what little self-esteem I had was decimated.  Towards the end, I was so far behind and doing so badly that I was too ashamed to go to class and face the teacher.  I'd drive to campus every day and park and then just sit in my car till it was time to go home.  After everything came to light I was so ashamed and defeated I just drifted for a while.  After that I got to go to the tech school I always wanted to go to, but instead of taking auto mechanics I took welding, I'm not sure why, but I think maybe in my mind they had so stigmatized it as a shameful profession I just avoided it.  Ironically I made the deans list, from flunked out to the dean's list in no time.  While I was there I was exposed to machine shop and so I transferred to that course of study and was doing well.  Somewhere at the beginning of my second year, I came in one night to school and found they'd fired all the instructors and announced the program was being terminated in 2 qtrs and that we'd all get FULL credit.  Things went from bad to worse and when I spoke up about the sham they asked me to leave.  Thus ended my education.

I currently work as an auto mechanic with my uncle(Mom's baby brother, 65) he was always my hero growing up, but I only saw maybe him twice or 3 times a year.  Since working with him the past 2 years I've gotten to see the real person he is versus the view I had idolizing him as a child.  He only hired me because his partner left and his back makes it impossible to do most of the work.  I've also learned along the way that my uncle and my mother share a lot of traits, the first being extreme stubbornness, second they are both very selfish, but they try to hide it.  The third is they both lie and distort things to get what they want or to have people think the way they want about them.  When I was child I didn't notice these attributes, it wasn't till I began dating my wife that my mother revealed how far she'd go to get what she wants, but once I got married that seem to all die down and I thought it was just a blip on the radar screen.  Now I see them how they are and it completely changed how I see and feel about my father.  I only bring all that up because I've been looking back over my life and trying to understand why I seek comfort in porn/pmo. 

My mother was in therapy most of my life beginning when I was 5, she was in and out of a couple of institutions when I was little and takes a myriad of different prescriptions.  My uncle as well has health issues, but 98% of them are of his own making, although he lies to get sympathy from anyone who'll listen to his sob story, with me standing there to hear the bs.  I'm sure anybody reading this is wondering what all this has to do with porn or rebooting, well I don't know, it was on my mind this morning and I thought I'd write it down.

I didn't share all that to try and lay the blame for my pmo habit on them, I choose to do it voluntarily, but I'm trying to understand why or how I got here.  My usage of pmo isn't because of some crazy uncontrollable impulse, at least not anymore.  My usage is stupid, it's like I'm sitting here working and some passing thought will enter my head and I'll casually go search it knowing where it's taking me and what I'll do.  Most of the time I will just wave it away, but sometimes I don't and it's that simple.  When I was in my late 20's when all this first got going, I was doing courier work just driving around and I would have these wild unbearable impulses I just couldn't ignore.  So I'd go to a store and buy multiple mags or a movie store and buy multiple movies and then go home and wank myself silly for an hour.  Afterward, I'd feel horrible, full of shame, confess everything to God and then burn all the evidence so I couldn't go back to it easily.  I remember once I was in an adult store buying movies(on credit) and when I went to check out the cashier asked me if I was sure I wanted all these because it was going to be expensive.  I wish I would've just walked away, but I didn't.  I didn't.

Not sure why at that point in my life I was so desperate for it, but I was.  Maybe God is doing as he promised and giving me the new heart I asked for and its just taking time to work out all kinks.  I purposely make it a point, no matter the situation I find myself in, to look around and find the lesson in it for me.  Anyway, that's it for today.

Peace

joepanic:
Hey Curly Bill

     I read your posting with great interest. Our stories are quite similar asis our ages(I'm 48)  My parents gave me very little latitude and it was a very much there way or ther highway and I bought into everythiung they said.  One big thing was my dad was quite into porn.  When I was 9 or 10  of course I fugured out he had a stash of mags. In the early 80s  we got a vcr  and it wasnt long before he  had quite the collection of porn  vhs tapes  and no matter how much he kept them locked away  I always found a way to get them. From there it was the usual path moving out on my own obtaining my own material and on to the free internet shit.  We all know that story.

     What strikes me is your comments on buying  binging on it and burning the  evidence.  I too did the same   I would  use mags  and than bury them  figuring I would stop.  Only to dig them up a week later and try to clean them off.  at 1st I did this in the backyard.  Than in a forest a 10 minute walk from our house   and do the same thing  bury them and go and retrieve them.  I was perhaps 13 or 14 at the time   incredible how  I could be addicted at that age  and of course there was no understanding of it at all.  Well times are changing  for sure.

   Its an interesting one about how to attribute blame for this  addiction   as I learn more I am coming to the conclusion that it is not 100% all my fault.  But  coming toi the conclusiion I am sick and wanting to get better is 100% for me to work out.

     Cheers

     Post often it helps me it helps you.

Curly Bill:
Day 03

The third day, for Christians its symbolic of Christ's resurrection from the dead, forever breaking the chains of the law of sin and death.  We have hope, I have hope, the victory is already won, it's just that we get in our own way with our pursuit of selfish pleasure.  I don't have all the answers but I am seeking.  I've added daily reading of Proverbs to my strategy and eliminating those things in my life that may stir up old memories or lead to lustful thoughts.  I do know taking our thoughts captive is pivotal to winning this fight.

@ Joepanic, thanks for dropping by and posting I appreciate it.  Yes, going back to my earliest struggles with leaving pmo behind I realized if I didn't destroy the materials I was using I would soon find myself digging in the woods as well.

Today its harder to avoid porn/psubs than in years past, at least for me it is.  When I was a kid in the 70's it was mainly magazines.  We didn't have anything in our house at the time, but my neighbor's father had a vast library of mags and even some custom cut out centerfolds mounted on wooden backgrounds on the wall, it was in a large basement closet.  Once we went in we had no worries of being disturbed or caught for long periods of time.  PMO didn't enter the game for me until I was 12 with the addition of cable tv to our house.  Going back to the 70's I had a total of 3 different caches of mags I could access, My neighbor's house, my uncle's closet in my grandmother's house and a family friend who needed someone to feed their cat when they went out of town had a collection. 

I'm a firm believer in the unseen realm, that God and Angels and Demons, etc all exist and are all around us just unseen, but we can be influenced by them.  Ever since this battle with porn started up with me I could locate it anywhere, even with it hidden.  No matter where I was if porn was somewhere around I could find it hidden.  It was like it spoke to me or I was drawn to it, but I believe it was an evil spirit leading me, to keep me enslaved.  That friend who needed me to feed their cat, there was no evidence they had anything like that, but once I was alone in their house the first time I could feel its presence.  I remember having fed the cat and was making my way towards the door through the living room when I just felt like I should go and look in this specific cabinet and boom there it was.  No, I didn't rummage through their house I went straight to where porn was stored without being told.  All along through my adolescence, that happened to me time and time again.  The odds of that happening over and over are staggering, so no I don't think it was dumb luck.  As a child, I didn't realize what was happening, only when I was older and struggling did it occur to me what had been happening.

So anyway, its day 3, no urges, no temptations although yesterday I did have a passing thought of a search I could do, but I dismissed it quickly and moved on.  Later on, dudes.

Peace

SaxonJack:

--- Quote from: Curly Bill on January 15, 2020, 09:21:33 AM ---Day 03


 Ever since this battle with porn started up with me I could locate it anywhere, even with it hidden.  No matter where I was if porn was somewhere around I could find it hidden.  It was like it spoke to me or I was drawn to it,

Peace

--- End quote ---

CB,

When I read this, it reminded me of the MANY times that I would find porn, be it VHS, magazines, or DVDs,  I could find it even when i wasn't looking.  But I cannot remember one time where i didn't get excited and grab it.  Never once did i pass it by.  I always made a conscious effort to pick it up, and of course immediately look at it and then hide it.

I do acknowledge that every time i view pornography and masturbate, I have to make a conscious decision to do it. 
I'm not yet willing to blame an addiction, I'd rather blame myself. 
As such, having a goal of "no PMO" is completely unappealing to me.  I don't have any desire to focus on "not doing something".  But, I can get excited about doing something else - something fun, productive, meaningful.  I can't count the number of hours of my life that I've WASTED with PMO.  Looking back, I wish I would have spent that time productively.  Most anything seems more productive than PMO.  And going forward, I'd much rather focus on what I do want to do (in Christian context - how I can be obedient and walk in a way that is both pleasing to my LORD, and fundamentally beneficial to me and all of those around me).

If in my Christian walk, I focus on "not sinning", how successful will I be?  That's right, I'm going to fail.  And I know it. 
But if I focus on following Christ, what can I find there?  Love, Joy, Peace, Patience....

SJ

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