Author Topic: I don’t want this anymore  (Read 249 times)

Seb

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I don’t want this anymore
« on: January 12, 2020, 03:28:14 AM »
So this is my first post.
I decided to quit my addiction to P just 2 days ago, when I actually realized I have an addiction.
Up until then I thought it was normal to watch P and then M and O, especially when it’s been over 2 years I haven’t had sex with my wife.
I actually thought that me watching P was the result of not having sex with my wife, when really it was the cause.
I know it’s gonna be hard to quit, especially after being addicted for many years.
I’m 42 years old now, and my addiction pushed me to doing things I wish I never did.
But I want to believe that it’s all in the past now.
I need to get out of this and have a life again.
I don’t know if I’ll be posting again, but I will when I feel I need to talk.
I’ll take Gabe’s advice and watch and read as much as possible about Reboot, because I know that I have to know my enemy to defeat it.
I hope I’ll be strong enough to win this fight...

joepanic

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Re: I don’t want this anymore
« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2020, 08:13:20 AM »
Good morning Seb   your story is going to sound familiar to many  others here.  I am 48 and have been viwing porn since  i was probably 14 or 15   started with magazines  to vcr tapes and on to internet porn   I always figured I had a problem from probably my early 20s on  and only come to the conclusioin perhaps 4 or 5 years ago that it is an actuall addiction.on Boxing day 2017  I discovered this site and have been coming here on and off ever since.  I would say more on than off.   I am on my 3rd serious reboot attempt. The 1st actually  lasted over 3 months, the 2nd i think around 2 months  and at present I am 33 days in and feeling stronger this time   much more educated and with more insite on my own personal situation.   I wonder if you might put in a 2nd post  with a little more detail on your story.  The more people know about it   the more they might be able to give you advice.  Anyways  Good luck and rest assured you are probably making the right decision here.

    Cheers

       Post often it helps you it helps me

Seb

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Re: I don’t want this anymore
« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2020, 06:02:01 PM »
I didn’t really get to read all the stories of all the people around here, so I don’t really know if anyone’s story is somehow like mine, but I think my addiction is sightly different than probably most guys here, even though the symptoms are exactly the same: loss of libido, no more interest in real partner, loss of erection with real partner, etc...
I think the only way to explain my story is to simply say it how it is:
My addiction is not purely and exclusively on porn, but it’s also and mostly on cybersex, and paying women to chat with me and give me an orgasm by sending me their vids and pics and texting.
I started getting into cybersex around my 20s, and I never stopped taking it further and always wanting more.
Until I got to a point where I’d be able to spend hours chatting with women, paying them for it, and as long as I would send them money, they would just keep going.
I’ve spent over 10,000$ in the past 2 years, and even though I knew it was hurting me, I just couldn’t stop. If I didn’t have money to spend, I would try to have them chat with me as long as I could until I would end up watching some porn so I could finally orgasm, because they wouldn’t finish me without money.
But eventually I would be back to sending money.
I became so addicted to this that sending money became what was actually turning me on, even sometimes more than the vids or the pics I was getting in return.
So I don’t know how to summarize my addiction exactly. I think I’m addicted to both cybersex and porn at the same time.
And cybersex, just like porn, is definitely not real, like porn it is artificial.
I’ve become so addicted to cybersex that it became the only way I could orgasm.
I never saw this as an addiction up until now, but I know now that I need to stop this.
I now understand how these years have messed up my brain and how I’m disconnected from reality.
I can’t stand the idea that I could believe I maybe don’t love my wife anymore, just because I couldn’t make love to her for never having any libido.
Right now I truly hate myself for getting to this point, but now that I realize that this is a real addiction, all I want to do is work on myself, get better, reboot, and live the life I want to live with my wife.
If anyone else has the same type of addiction, I’d truly be thankful if you can talk to me and help me out.
I think I need all the help I can get right now.

joepanic

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Re: I don’t want this anymore
« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2020, 06:24:28 PM »
Hi Seb    Yes yours is a bit different  for sure  but the recovery tactics would not be so different

    I have a little experience with the cyborsex addiction too.  I have spent many hours over the years in chatrooms  sometimes for 4 5 or 6 hours at a time  sometimes even longer   and around 2007  i wound up putting my credit card number onto a website and  chatting with a gal who was obviously chatting with who knows how many other people  at the same time   I was under the impression that my card was being used for  age verification purposes only.  Little did I know.  Well a month later I was billed for close to $4000.  I must say I did learn a valuable  lesson and have never put it in since.  But the chats kept going on the free sites. ia m now 33 days clean  from both the chatting/cyborsex  as well as porn.   Keep reading here and I'm sure you will begin to understand the addiction and learn the tools to cope with and recover from this addiction

     Cheers

      Post often it helps me it helps you

jcwright

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Re: I don’t want this anymore
« Reply #4 on: January 13, 2020, 02:39:44 AM »
The key to your success will be education. Read anything you can find on the effects of porn on the brain.

Wishing you the best

joepanic

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Re: I don’t want this anymore
« Reply #5 on: January 13, 2020, 07:59:23 AM »
Also be sure to read on the effects of chat/cyborsex/cams   as that is also a growing problem in our sociuety, especially amoungst the youth

    Cheers

     Post often it helps me it helps you

Seb

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Re: I don’t want this anymore
« Reply #6 on: January 14, 2020, 12:22:35 AM »
Thank you for the support and the help.
I’m definitely trying to read and educate myself as much as I can.
But I’m also trying to focus on other things now so I occupy my mind instead of thinking about the addiction all the time.
I told my wife about my addiction though. She’s a doctor, so I’m hoping she’ll understand and be supportive.
I don’t really know how she’s feeling about all this yet, but I think it was the right thing to do to tell her instead of keeping this to myself.
I’m off to work now... see you guys around.

Seb

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Re: I don’t want this anymore
« Reply #7 on: January 20, 2020, 08:32:17 AM »
So I’m at day 10, and the temptation is growing.
I’m trying to occupy my mind with other things, but it’s really not easy.
So many questions cross my mind all the time...

joepanic

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Re: I don’t want this anymore
« Reply #8 on: January 20, 2020, 10:09:34 AM »
Hey Seb  congradulations on 10 days
    It def is not easy at the beginning  its a new world your looking into.  It took me 4 really good attempts  at rebooting   as well as many little attempts over a 2 year period  before I finally  think I am beating the addiction.  The biggest thing I think I took away from the past 2 years was the chance to learn and understand the addiction.    Find the tools to do it  and finally put those tools to work  the biggest one I think was just learning to break the patterns. The little attempts of a week or 10 days to me was breaking those patterns   and  of course you have free time for a week or 10 days  I watched  alot of videos on the topic and read alot  and had a little time to digest it. So if you  find yourself slipping  think of the 10 day streak  you had and what you learned so the next streak will be longer.  Never get discouraged   this isnt going to cure itself over night

    cheers

       Post often it helps me it helps you

Seb

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Re: I don’t want this anymore
« Reply #9 on: January 20, 2020, 11:49:55 AM »
Thanks Joe. Reading your reply just made my day.

HopeReaper

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Re: I don’t want this anymore
« Reply #10 on: January 20, 2020, 03:48:44 PM »
Hey Seb, congrats on 10 days.  I'm on day 6 myself and it's tough but we both deserve to be free of this evil.

Great job telling your wife, that took a lot of courage!  Getting everything out in the open is vital to recovery.

I've been fortunate not to have many cravings so far.  If I do feel one coming on, I immediately stop myself and what I'm doing and I read some PMO success stories.  Listening to other people's pain turn to joy is extremely helpful in this quest to freedom.

Also, what joepanic said is so true, this isn't going away overnight.  We spent many years building up our addictions and it will take time and work to free ourselves from them.  We need to stay vigilant and be wary of apathy (giving up/not caring about ourselves).

Keep on the path my friend and post often, you are not alone.