Author Topic: Tried reboot for fun... And realized I might have been a developing pedophile.  (Read 679 times)

DamienP

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This got way out of hand as I was writing it, lol. So here's some guides for your comfort:
* = Essential paragraphs
+ = Some scary borderline pedophilia development (and reversal)



*Hey. I'm not sure how to start this, but in summary, I figured I want to put this out somewhere, instead of writing it for myself. I'm gonna go fully detailed about my life around sex, so feel free to skip around if you don't feel like reading it all. But I do want to get everything out, since I haven't really told the full story to anyone.

I'm currently 21. When I hit puberty, I was in an environment that made me quite socially awkward. I was always the best student in the schools I attended to, I was smart since I was very little, and thanks to my parents' constant validation I never had any serious self esteem issues... Or I didn't think I had them. I was of course very confident in my intelligence... But I was very sexually repressed. I spent my first 3 or 4 teen years pretending I didn't like the sexy pictures every guy in class looked at. And since I was socially awkward, once I felt people had that impression of me, it was VERY difficult to change. I felt people would judge me. And why would I risk that? I didn't have any good friends either. A city boy studying in a really small (80 students total) countryside school ended up in me not clicking with pretty much anyone. This didn't help either.  As a result, I was awkward with girls for all of my teens. I have never had a girlfriend to this day, and my first kiss was less than a year ago. But my sexual urges were there, always.

* I remember that when I was about 10 or 11, my parents gave me the porn talk. They are quite liberal with sexuality, and I had read a ton of sex ed many years earlier, but porn was a newcomer into my life. My parents explained to me how the porn industry is a dirty mess, how it has moral implications to watch porn, and why I shouldn't do so... But when hormones started hitting me, it all meant nothing.

I remember the time when I first came. I even know the exact date, because I remember I was 13, and going to my first concert with an aunt. I was left alone in the house for about an hour before I had to go. I did whatever felt right as I watched a striptease video. Then there was a bit of a mess. I had serious phimosis, so that prevented me from escalating too much until I spoke with my parents to finally get it fixed. But from then on, I jerked off to porn everytime I'd get the chance. Fortunately, for a good chunk of this time, my PC had parental controls, and smartphones weren't really even a thing yet, so even though I used porn when I found myself alone at home (by finding out the password of my parent's PC), I usually couldn't get access to it though, so I jerked off to fantasies in the shower, every day. But then my parents bought laptops, didn't password protect them because I guess I was old enough, and started leaving the house more often. Videos became the norm. I was about 15.

* When I was 16 I got really close to having a girlfriend (I blew it because I was super dishonest), but this made me very insecure about sex. So I started searching, and clicking on the ads on porn sites about getting a huge dick and horse-like stamina. Fortunately, one of these secret-divulging ex-pornstars had a name in one of his newsletters, that for some weird reason I found interesting: Alex Allman. Now this guy is basically a sex coach who has expanded into the dating and masculinity territories in the last few years, but when I found him, he focused on sex. I binge watched his whole youtube channel. Imma go ahead and recommend this guy if any of you wants some bedtime advice. I might be a virgin, but I always have been smart, and not easy to fool. And from all of the sex coaches and stuff I found, Alex is the only one who has kept my respect and admiration until this day, through pure internal consistency, honesty and downright common sense. But the thing is, there was this one video on his channel about male masturbation and how porn has changed it. (If anyone is curious: youtu.be/QL7e5kG33B8) This video is probably the single reason why I didn't go into a heavy porn spiral for a good few years after that. I was about to turn 17 when I saw it.

* So for some two or three years I tried to keep my masturbation as clean as possible... But I was slowly descending into porn again, and using it more and more. And when I turned 21, I probably had been using various types of porn consistently almost every day for about two years.

* Now, I'm still a fortunate guy. For various reasons I was able to not get TOO deep into porn. But my only sexual activity in my whole life has still been masturbation, and even though I think I probably don't have any sort of Porn induced disfunction per se, I am certain that porn is seeping into my lifestyle and robbing me of little precious things, and might as well have been the cause of a big chunk of my social and sexual insecurity in my teens.

* So I've decided to quit. I first found out about nofap maybe a year or half ago. I fluked a 15 day streak, relapsed to the dreadful idea of "never jerking off again", and dropped the whole thing until late november, 2019, when I came across it again. I had a very good initial 18 or 19 day streak, no flat lines, and I was starting to feel a lot better about myself. Yet, I didn't think I was an addict, and wasn't committed enough. so I relapsed, and them again and again, throughout one or two weeks. I decided to get serious again on December 29th, and had a 9 day streak. But in the last 4 days, I have relapsed 3 times. And I have now realized that, even though I am not a hardcore addict... I'm an addict nonetheless.


I am a big anime fan. This might seem irrelevant, but it's really not. You see, when you see a sexy actress in a show, you'll get a hit, but you'll lust after her specifically, and there is no porn of specific people out there. But if an anime character triggers me, two things happen: 1. I am acutely aware that there will be sexy material of this specific character if I look for it. And 2. I am controlled by the idea that the only sexual experience you can ever have with a fictional animated character is masturbating to them. So I don't have a "I'll rather have actual sex someday" escape route, because that's not a satisfying result for the specific craving I'm having right there. I am also an artist, and a big artist geek, which makes things fairly difficult sometimes, because art is full of ladies, and said ladies are often sexy, and triggering.

+There is one more thing that I'd like to get off my chest before closing off. This is a tough one. For a few years before starting nofap, I had been going down a spiral of getting off to very young, or very young-looking characters. If you know a bit about anime, you know that these are quite common. I was always disgusted with monster-tits and humongous asses. I never enjoyed rapey or hardcore videos. So when my tastes escalated, they escalated by me starting to get aroused more and more by the innocence of younger girls. I had justified it with the fact that I was just "recently" a 13 year old, naturally attracted to other 13 year-olds. I had justified it with them being only drawings. But I did have a growing fear: I was starting to get aroused by actual underage girls I knew, down to 10 y/o... I never did anything remotely illegal or immoral, not in life or on the web, but this was a demon that was starting to actually scare me.

+Well... I got rid of it... Absolutely gone, after only one month of recovery. I am insanely happy and relieved about this. I of course still have sexual cravings, but none of them contain underage-looking characters or people. And of course I still get aroused by women... But not by girls under 15. What actually made all of this click was a reddit post I recently read, about the story of a confessed pedophile that got arrested for child porn... And the way he described developing his pedophilia looked creepily familiar to the way I was wiring my arousal myself... I now suspect that this is a thing that carries away these people. They start to look at 18+ teens for the exciting adrenaline rush of the "jailbait" factor. And they spiral down into disaster. Some people develop a fetish for monster tits. I suspect pedophiles develop their fetish in this way too... The problem is what this fetish implies. And it's at the same time sad and comforting to see that maybe, all of these people could have stopped themselves from developing what probably is the worst paraphilia out there, just by exercising some basic abstinence. Fuck, maybe nofap could even solve pedophilia of all things... And though that might be a wild claim, I wouldn't be too quick to discard it.

+I've come to realize now, pretty much as I am writing this, that I was in a worse state of addiction than I though. And I am damn glad I decided to give reboot a try.

* So anyways, here I am. I am trying to figure out the best way to keep working on my recovery. I have decided not to get too worked up over my streak, since that is a bit of a double edged sword. It helps me when I'm doing well, but relapses make me feel like I'm back to the start, and drain my motivation quite badly.

* I am going to try to do one thing I feel might help a lot: Leave the room when I start getting triggered. All of my relapses have been due to me sitting and trying to reason myself out of my urge... And losing.

* So this might work well. We're going to see. I'm also hanging out with a girl, and things are looking up. But that's not necessarily the topic here, so I won't elaborate.



Well that's a mouthful, holy crap.

I'm going to do my best to keep this thread updated (of course, no more long-ass posts like this one). And I hope all of you have a great journey along with me and the rest of us!
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Relentless Observer

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DamienP,

Joining this group and abstaining from porn is a great idea.  I am glad to hear that you are overcoming your demons.  It takes time and I encourage you to continue abstaining from porn.  You sound very intelligent and it seems like you reflect a bunch and try to learn.  Learning as much as you can about addiction through YourBrainOnPorn.com is so helpful.  Even if you weren't as addicted as many people are or feel, the relapses and difficulty abstaining show a problem.  Just overcoming this addiction alone is a major accomplishment as you can be proud of the control in that aspect of your life.

Your story is interesting, and I suggest you read a book on body language (like the Definitive Book of Body Language, by Barbara and Allen Pease).  I think it is an aspect of communication poorly practiced by intelligent individuals and may help you feel more of a connection with your peers and others in your life.

Good luck with everything!

Jeks

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Hey damien,

im sorry, i actually feel not able to read your story, because im not certain if it might have triggers for me. Just wanna tell you that the amount isnt important on defining if someones addicted or not, nor is it linear to the effects it might have on someones brain.
The most important factor is, if you are able to stop or not and what effect it does have on your brain. Some people are more vulnerable than others.
I also developed all kinds of weird fetishes and noticed that my sexual taste went more and more to teens and young looking women, so yes, porn can also effect your sexual taste in that matter, but it can also reversing itself.
Educate yourself on yourbrainonporn and watch material from gabe deem, noah church and gary wilson.

Good luck to you
« Last Edit: January 12, 2020, 04:10:47 PM by Jeks »

DamienP

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Thank you both for your replies, as well as to all the people who read this. A bigger number on that viewcount will probably work pretty well as accountability.

This is an entry that shouldn't have any triggers, but I will talk about a relapse superficially, so I'll just mention that so that noone reads something they don't wanna.

First of all, I have been following Noah Church for a good while, and watched a lot of his videos, as well as a lot of content by Mark Queppet. I should study up more on Yourbrainonporn though, so I'm going to keep that in mind, and I also find the recommendation for body language books seems very interesting, and I will certainly study up on it.

Now, this entry is because I just relapsed. It's my fourth relapse in a week (I've been having a bad streak these few days for whatever reason). One good thing about it is that these relapses have been each one day further from eachother than the last one, and I'm also learning a lot about what my thought process is when I relapse.

On this occasion, I got triggered on social media. It was a fairly mild trigger by all standards, but it sent me on a though loop about "I wonder if there's porn of this, I've never watched it", and even though I did manage to stop it in the moment (which I didn't know how to do before) by walking out of the room, I underestimated it, and I didn't engage on other activities afterwards and instead just kept on surfing instagram, and my mind kept going down a spiral.

As I mentioned, I've been on this ride for a month and a half now, and I've had my relapses, so they don't keep me down for long, even though it's always at least a little disheartening. But I feel that every one of the last few has taught me something, which is good. I also have found out that a relapse is a setback, but rarely an actual reset to zero (And I never binge, since it's not something I got used to throughout my life), so I prefer not to feel too bad about them, and focus on what I learned and how to avoid future setbacks.

Anyways, plan of action for the next trigger is to go straight for either a cold shower, a walk or some exercise outside of my room. No matter how mild the trigger is, and no matter what I am doing in the moment. I feel like that's necessary for me right now, so that's what I'll do.

Wish me luck, and good luck in your recovery.

D.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

DamienP

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So, small update.

I'm on the third day of my last streak. Now that might not seem like a lot because it isn't, but really, I have never felt so disconnected and free from desire and uncontrollable libido. This is not a flat line, since I still get excited, but the urges I get are minute and super easy to control.

Also for some damn reason (though it might be shampoo-less hair washing, but to be honest I've been avoiding shampoo for many years... Nofap has only been going for a few weeks) my hair is smooth like nothing I've seen on myself (I have my hair grown out to about 15 inches, and it's fairly curly, so I though that it wasn't my hair being dry, but rather it being just plain curly, but no).

That's it for today, Imma keep going strong and keep you updated.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

DamienP

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Ah, relapse sucks.

I've been trying to excuse myself from posting here tbh. The good old "It's not helping me anyways" excuse.

I MOd a few times in the last week, and today I PMOd. I kept P out of the way for 11 days, which is nice, but the MOs really didn't help, I think.

I felt exceptionally disappointed after finishing this time. I reflected on how did I get to this place. I was a bit tired, and since I'm trying to keep a steady sleep time, I didn't go to bed, but other than that I wasn't in any kind of emotional turmoil at all. In fact, everything has been going pretty well lately. But a really small, pretty dumb trigger sent me onto a mental loop, and I got to a point where I felt it: "I'm going to relapse... And I don't care"

I came to the conclusion that it was (as well as all of my past slips) a matter of lack of commitment. That's it. Commitment to this goal of quitting PMO. I know it is this, because for the first 17 days after I first decided to start this journey I shrugged off all kinds of triggers with little effort.

But now, after multiple relapses, my motivation is faltering, and I am certainly not committed to this anymore.

So I'm going to work on my commitment, once again. Just restart the clock, and start this off again like if I hadn't done it ever before.


I will say that the decisive factor in me not having given this up already like I did a year ago, is the work I've done to be more honest. With others, and with myself.

I invite you to make the same decision yourself. Start stating the full truth, in all it's ugly glory. Especially in hard moments. Catch yourself trying to deceive yourself, and say the truth. Face the truth. And then, it won't be easy not to do something about it.

It's a beautiful practice for this journey, and for your life. So I invite you to give it a go.

Day 0. Here we go again.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Relentless Observer

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DamienP,
Most people on this site, myself included, took a long time to really stop.  I tried stopping so many times before I made the final commitment that was able to last to this point.
Keep reading up on YBOP, that was one thing that has really helped me and keeps my hope up too.
You can do this, and overcoming the need to watch porn is incredible.  I still have my issues and am waiting for obvious recovery, but I am proud of myself for choosing to never watch porn again.
You can overcome porn.

DamienP

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Thank you for the response!

I've been doing quite good these few days.

I've made a few changes in my approach, and they've helped me quite a bit. So if you are someone who's just starting, these might come in handy for you too.

To put stuff into context, I got into nofap again because I was watching a lot of videos on sex and such, so youtube popped a recommendation into my feed that got me back into this. But from my observation these past few months, and these five days, I realized that even though I was trying to drop PMO and naturalize my libido, I kept watching loads of videos, and listening to podcasts on the topic of sex, and related subjects. And really, I wasn't helping myself there, even though the content I was consuming was actually great and helpful in the right situation.

Half of my day was filled with thinking about sex. By doing this I was subconsciously giving sex a TON of importance in my life. And I mean, it's an important part of it, sure... But even if you're not trying to reboot, sex shouldn't take hours of your attention every day. And if you ARE REBOOTING (as am I), you really should reduce the time you spend thinking about it/hearing about it/talking about it to the barest possible minimum.

So that's what I did. I just shifted the kind of videos I watched in my free time, and the type of podcast I listen in the car (I also started to drive in silence sometimes. It lets you disconnect a bit from your inside thoughts and stuff, and focus on the world around you. Quite therapeutic, specially if you are driving through pretty landscapes, but even if you are stuck in traffic in the ugly part of town it's quite nice, oddly enough).

I find myself with a lot less urges now. And when one comes up, the "I don't need this in my life right now" reasoning seems much more  valid, since sex doesn't have this crazy high value in my mind, subconsciously. And when any trigger comes around, I find it much easier to stop indulging in it, and to think about something else.

Btw, I've also stopped binging on reboot and nofap videos. These might seem like good motivation, and they probably are at the beginning, but at this point I think that watching them just keeps my attention on the fact that I MUSTN'T PMO, instead of keeping it on all the other things I'm doing in my life. So if you are going through this, give this a try, and balance out the knowledge and inspiration you get from reading stories here on RebootNation and watching youtube videos, with the attention you need to be putting somewhere else.

For this purpose, I've also stopped counting my streak myself, and instead I just use Quitzilla. Most of it's advanced functions are behind a paywall, but it will count days for you for free, and it liberates me from having to think about this too much, while still keeping track of my progress.

You certainly maintain some distance with the topic of sex, at least for the first month or two. But as for reducing the amount of attention you put on your reboot, there's probably more of a balance to strike, and it's probably more of a case by case scenario, so you should see how it applies to you.

That's it for today! My streak as of now is 4 days 13 hours, no P, no M, no O.

Looking forward to getting past the 20 day mark. :D
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

DamienP

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Relapse again.

Kinda ridiculous one day after that last post >:U

Not happy about it, but it's really no biggie. Didn't use P per se, but pictures.

Happened because I got triggered and dwelled on it a few minutes too long. And I just didn't have the will to stop myself.

I'm going to aim for 10 days now. I'm kind of shortening my own goals, but after a 5 day streak, going for 10 at first seems reasonable, and when I reach it, I'm just going to keep going.

What this might do is this: It will give me the opportunity to think "I'll save this for x days later" when I'm triggered. Imma see how that works, and I'll go from there. Besides, it's always a lot easier to slip right after a relapse, so I think this might give me an edge. Trial and error.

I'm actually feeling good despite the relapse, so that's good. And I still stand by my points in the last post, I still think they've helped me a good amount.
« Last Edit: January 30, 2020, 02:44:17 PM by DamienP »
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

DamienP

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Hey guys, quick update.

I've been doing well again since the last post. I won't get too into it, but I've been doing all sorts of stuff so I've had no time to even think about PMO.

Ah, also, the 30th I PMOd after posting. I was in a weak spot, and I gave in. Still working at it, and I got a good head start from this weekend since I was so busy.

So day 4. Wish me strength.
« Last Edit: February 03, 2020, 08:59:32 PM by DamienP »
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

DamienP

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Going on strong.

I feel real good about this one.

Though today I liteally had a dream where I relapsed, as in I literally PMO'd in the dream, and even had the whole "I shouldn't be doing this, I'll lose my streak" thoughts going on. Really odd. Also I didn't O in real life, which was twice as odd. This probably means that I really need this reboot :U. Good thing dreams don't count as relapses, lol.

Anyways, the changes in approach in Jan/29's post are working well, though I read some success stories on YBOP for a change, which were great to go through again.

I am much more motivated now, and I don't really even think about PMOing, other than when I get triggered by some artist's work on IG... Can't help it :U. As an artist it is way too big of a priority for me to be constantly consuming visual art, even if it'd be ideal for my recovery not to...

Actually, I'll consider staying away from IG for a few days... Maybe until day 10, and then a few days after that.


EDIT: I thought I'd add something about the title of my thread, as in my attraction to girls a tad too young. I did say that it has gone away, but I've come to realize what has gone away is the urge for this kind of stimulation. Right now, even with my multiple relapses in the last 3 months of recovery, women my age are greatly attractive to me, and even when I relapse, I am not looking for the taboo factor of minor-looking characters at all.

BUT, this does not mean I don't find sexual depictions of these characters enticing when they are presented to me. I still do, and odds are I always will, much like an alcoholic can never really get rid of his demon, he can only control it. But it doesn't run me at all. Again, EVEN THOUGH my recovery has been bumpy and all, I've gotten over the need to look for this kind of material completely, and I don't view real life girls under 12 sexually at all (which, if you read my original post, happened to me once or twice). Thought I've not really been around children lately, if I do find myself there one day, I'll make sure to tell you whatever goes on (or doesn't go on) inside my mind.

This is always a very charged topic, so this is probably the only place where I can discuss it this freely. Hope you don't mind, and maybe even get some insight into how people like me can get twisted in all sorts of ways :)


Anyways, good luck to you all in your journeys, and stay strong.

Day 7.
« Last Edit: February 06, 2020, 06:19:33 PM by DamienP »
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

DamienP

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Hey guys!

I'm writing this off the back of a relapse...

My streak was 11 days, 15 hours.

On the up side, I got to the 10 days I wanted as a minimum (though this was not a part of my rationalization at all, rather )

On the down side, I traditionally feel a bit crappy (though certainly not as much as with the first relapses)

I started breaking my own rules (about staying away from all content regarding sex) some two days ago, my thoughts started going to PMO a lot, and after today being a tough day at work, I caved in. No hardcore stuff, no binging, but PMO nonetheless.

I'm not going to dwell on it too much, Imma just restart right back, and go for a minimum of 15 days this time.

I still think this was one of my better streaks, if not the best one (even if it wasn't the longest one, the first 9-10 days were a breeze because of how I approached them), so I'm going to replicate what I did in this first week for this next attempt, and I'll get back to you with how it goes.

Good luck to y'all out there, and stay strong.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

DamienP

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Sigh...

Another slip...

I try to stay positive and stuff, but I'm in a rut, and I'm really not feeling too great right now.

I'm fine overall, but I'm quite down on the quitting PMO stuff... It feels very disheartening, the control this thing has over me. That plus with the fact that one potential relationship I was developing went south, and yeah... I feel a bit frustrated in this whole area.

I am not quitting this shit, not for the life of me. Imma keep pushing it till I make it, but tomorrow or as soon as I get a grip again, I'll have to do something to avoid this amount of relapses from happening. I think journaling is gonna be the way to go.

Anyways not too many good vibes from this one... They wouldn't really be authentic anyways.

I'm going to grab this fucking bull by the goddamn horns already. The fact that I'm pissed is already better than being depressed so yay :U.

Good luck guys, and stay strong.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

DamienP

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Things have been tough.

Day zero again. Today was a bit of a bad day.

I don't have enough time to write out much, but this one felt like shit.

I did have a struggle before I caved in, but it just beat me. But there was a struggle at least...

Anyways, starting over again, goddammit...

Stay strong people... And wish me strenght.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Jeks

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Hey damien,
ive made exactly the same experiences. Really, sometimes i could have written the same thing as you.
Masturbation really is a difficult topic. Everyone has to figure out for oneself how one responds. For me its a little contradictory. MO can lead to PMO, because of the chaser effect. Not MOing can lead to PMOing, because the cravings become too strong.
I handled it by using MO as a last solution, when i knew i was about to open my laptop. But i also had to start cutting out MO to eventually getting results. This became easier after a few months into my reboot, but it was still difficult, maybe as difficult as to stop watching porn.

My rules are
Dont touch, dont fantasize, dont peek, watch out for triggers.
Take it as serious, as if you would with any other drug addiction, because on the bottomline there really is no difference. The urges you are experiencing are not your real libido or sex drive, but cravings, like for any other addiction.

To deal with urges.
Grab a pillow, as if your life depends on it, try napping, listen or watch to gabe deem, noah church and gary wilson and read ybop.com. This gets your mind elsewhere and reminds you constantly, why you are doing this. Watching a series can be beneficial, if you definetely know, that it wont have triggers ( that might mean rewatching a lot, but still it gets your mind off of it). Be careful on trying to be hyper productive. Pressure often worked as a trigger for me.
You will start killing it in life, when your cravings stopped and you start becoming stable.

On fantasizing:
There is a analogy i found really useful for dealing with porn fantasizing. Fantasizing of porn is like a rabbit hole. Once you start to scoop around in it, you will loose yourself in it, until you will relapse again. The deeper you go, the harder it will be to find a way out. So as soon as you see the rabbit hole you have to look away and not even glimpse at it, but focus on the trees and your path and so on. So in other words, youve got triggers in your own head and once you allow them to blossom it becomes automatic. So as soon as you identify a trigger, just look around you. When you see something, a chair for example, start thinking about a chair. Start thinking about wood, start thinking about trees. Start thinking about what else you can do with trees, until you passed the rabbit hole.
Or, when you able to, just try doing something

Youre doing fine. Trying ro be aware, what is happening with you, when it comes to a relapse is maybe the most important thing.

Try to think about, what you wanna do with your life, what goals you have. If you dont got any, its time to get some. Recovering from addiction, does not just mean stopping the unwanted behaviour, but changing your life and the circumstances, that got you into this addiction.
Also a good starting point is to realize, that your life cant go on like this. The reasons differ from person to person, but people, who got into addiction definetely got some points, they ve got to change in their lifes. But as said, main focus or even your only real focus shoud go into overcoming this addiction. But start thinking about this stuff and start to work on it, when you feel like the decreased cravings allow you to push yourself a little.

Relapses are normal, work on getting the behavioural and psychological strategies and make up to get back on track each time.

Thats all ive got for you damien. Wish you all the best man. Make a decision, make a commitment to fix this problem and then get to work.
« Last Edit: February 19, 2020, 12:16:49 AM by Jeks »

DamienP

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Thanks a lot for the response Jeks,

You're quite on point with your points, and I'll make sure to reread your response a few times just to internalize it a bit more.

This past week has been good. After my last post I decided that my process was being way too negative, and that wasn't helping me, so I decided to give myself a free week. 7 days where I could PMO if I wanted. And even though I battled with the idea at first, since it seemed like an unnecessary step backwards (and it might seem counterproductive or self-deceiving to you, as it seemed to me), I ended up doing it.

It was an interesting experience, no doubt. The first day I just PMOd three times. Not great per se, but I used each and every single PMO to actually look at what was going through my mind throughout the process, before and after. In a way, I used it to properly realize what I was doing, and if this was what I wanted.

And I concluded that I did not want it. It wasn't worth it for me. Not with all the things I know now about porn and about myself.

I ended up having a 4 day streak where I wasn't even trying. I then PMO'd twice in a day where I let a few triggers run me... And that just reinforced the idea that this was not what I wanted.

I made it a point to not judge myself for these relapses, but rather to observe them and evaluate what they brought me.

I am now at my fourth day again, and honestly, it's way better this way. I have jinxed myself in this process so I won't say anything about the process onwards... But I certainly don't want to stop now. It's been a while since I got a ten day streak at all, so the idea of getting to day 10 actually feels exciting and rewarding, so that's good.

Anyways, I will not be resorting to non-P MO for now. I tried it once and it did, indeed, lead to PMO eventually, so for me it's not going to be the way to go.


I'll do my best to avoid triggers, and to avoid delving into them when I find them. During this week I also experimented a bit more with cold showers when I'm triggered, and they work pretty well, so I'll be doing that when I think of it. But I will keep my more non judgemental attitude for now. It really seems to be doing me good.


As for my goals, I have some! I probably won't share them here just to keep my anonimity, but I do have an artistic project I'm pursuing and actively working at, but as you said, I have been giving it some slack, since stressing myself into being very productive has worked as a trigger a few times for me as well.

One more thing. I've been meditating during this whole time, these last 8 days. I got a recommendation and a promocode for Waking Up with Sam Harris, so I gave it a go. And lemme tell you, It's good. It's really, really good. I do not know to what extent it has helped me in this process, but I will certainly keep going at it, even if only because the experience is actually enjoyable.


And I'll be back with regular posting here in RN! I want to make at least one post a week.

Anyways, thanks again for your response, Jeks, and thanks to all of you that take the time to read this. That view count actually gives me some strenght :D.


Stay strong, and good luck!
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

LucasFSPimenta

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You are gonna make it man. Keep trying and you'll find out what works for you. Stay strong
« Last Edit: March 13, 2020, 07:22:28 AM by LucasFSPimenta »