Author Topic: Rebooting Day 66 (still not interested in sex with my gf)  (Read 107 times)

eljoeyjojo

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Rebooting Day 66 (still not interested in sex with my gf)
« on: January 10, 2020, 12:28:44 PM »
Hey Fellas, My name is Joey and I'm 35. Just finished reading Your Brain on Porn about 2 weeks ago and at first I was very excited but now I'm beginning to question myself. In the last 66 days I only relapsed twice and a few days later I had sex with my girlfriend but something really weird happened. I had stayed strong and about 40 days in I wanked it twice pretty much, one day at night and then the next morning which I felt terrible after doing. My gf and I haven't been dating for a long time so we we're "waiting" for the right time which in theory sounded like a really good idea. Prior to that I would make out with her and get massive erections but she would stop me 'cause she wasn't ready so I thought nothing of it except wait till we have it.

About 3 weeks ago things were getting hot and heavy and we decided to do it but surely after I started I immediately lost interest and started losing my erection though I did finish within about 5 minutes 'cause it had been a while without wanking it I guess. My gf noticed and mentioned that I wasn't even hard so I played it off with some poor excuse and she kinda let it go. About 4 days after that again we were making out and decided we move to the bedroom and then immediately lost the very little erection I had. She felt (feels) terrible I felt (feel) less of a man and then I had to come clean and tell her I was doing NoFap for about 35 days before I met her and that I might have a problem. It was possibly the most embarrassing thing I've ever done, I felt so ashamed and useless but it needed to be said. My gf got very upset at first and then eventually supported me in on this journey.

I am now on day 66 without any relapses since that day but ever since that horrible night in my bedroom I can't seem to get an erection from her. Which is very strange considering I could get erections making out with her all the time just weeks before that happened. I could possibly have sex with her but I know I'd have to go into my own head and fantasize about all the messed up things just to get an erection. My gf is very pretty and she has some really nice tits and I know that but why can't I get aroused by her? Now I feel I have to make up for that night so I'm thinking about fantasizing, getting hard and then having sex with her but I feel that would be counter productive. I read about guys my age saying that their girlfriends wouldn't do it anymore but eventually it changed and I'm getting worried there might be something really messed up with me. To make things worse there is this girl I met in the same building I work at who I would occasionally talk to and eventually got her number. Needless to say we started saying some messed up stuff and she might also be into the same sick shit I am so now just thinking about meeting this girl and performing my fantasies with her arouses me immediately while if I think of just vanilla sex with my gf it just doesn't do it for me. Another thing that worries is me that if I do go and practically cheat on my gf by role playing my fantasies with this other girl, wouldn't that also be counter productive? I mean just having vanilla sex with this girl doesn't get me that excited, a little bit but it's probably because she's new girl and as guys we tend to be sexually attracted to what we never had before. If I picture my gf in that fantasy scenario it doesn't play out the same, I find it demeaning and I wouldn't ask her to do it. All I really wanna do is get to that level of having vanilla sex with my gf, get consistent erections and forget about my fantasies but at the moment all that seems so far away.

Any other men out there going through or gone through the same thing I'm going through? I know this is suppose to be a process of up to 1 year but any kind of feedback, opinions would be greatly appreciated.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: Rebooting Day 66 (still not interested in sex with my gf)
« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2020, 01:24:45 PM »
Hey Joey, first of all welcome.

As for the loss of interest; you are not the only one. This is one of the many withdrawal symptoms you can get. But, it will go away.

For now good of you to come and join us. I suggest you start reading other peoples journals so you can see what we are all strugling with.

All the best to you!

eljoeyjojo

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Re: Rebooting Day 66 (still not interested in sex with my gf)
« Reply #2 on: January 10, 2020, 07:07:50 PM »
Thanks ShadeTrenicin! I'm trying to stay strong

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: Rebooting Day 66 (still not interested in sex with my gf)
« Reply #3 on: January 10, 2020, 07:16:41 PM »
The fact that you are on here shows that you are taking ownership of your problem. And that is the most important thing here.


Wolfman

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Re: Rebooting Day 66 (still not interested in sex with my gf)
« Reply #4 on: January 14, 2020, 04:34:02 AM »
Hey eljoeyjojo,

good of you to start this journal - that is a super important step and it's to be commended! Now, I don't think you mention your porn history (not that you have to), but have you thought about your usage of porn before you started your nofap? If you have, like many on here (myself included), been glued to porn for many years to over a decade, it may take a very long time for your brain to "reset" and then develop organic lust-patterns. And the fact YOU WANT vanilla sex, and not the more kinkier stuff (even that seems to be what gets your blood boiling for the moment), tells me that it's sexuality that's got a hold of you, and not you of it. I can recommend UniversalMans video series titled Sexual Self-Mastery Series: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J55TZ0JaJXY&list=PL38uJEf-kRcaI0d2I9M_IjGWMFkHk8qCC

I think you may need to take a break from all things sex, give your brain a good deep reset and allow it to find its own creativity (ask yourself, how many of the fantasies you are having are from you alone, or between you and a partner, and how many are from things you've seen on-line?). I learned from Mark (the UniversalMan guy) that we don't _need_ sex, orgasm, etc. You _can_ manage without it. Well, if you can manage without it, you're not bound to it, and so, when you do pursue, you do it freely and on your terms.

But I know this stuff is incredibly hard, but hold on to your striving. You've already started educating yourself about the mess porn can make, and so going back becomes near impossible knowing what you know now. I wish you plenty of strength and hope! Keep coming back to this journal and write whatever you feel necessary.

eljoeyjojo

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Re: Rebooting Day 66 (still not interested in sex with my gf)
« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2020, 12:37:09 PM »
Thanks Wolfman! I'll definitely check out the video.

 As for an update on my porno addiction it will be 90 days of reboot on Saturday and I've had 2 relapses which was a back to back wanking (once to online porno and the other to fantasizing). I'm very happy that I have made it 90 days without watching porno but I will not sugar coat it and say that my results are "amazing" like other rebooters often say. I was already eating healthy and exercising pretty regularly so the "extra energy" is not one of the things I've noticed. In fact I could say that it has had the opposite effect. Often when I would wank it at least once or twice a week I had more energy to exercise. The overall happiness feeling is true, I do wake up happier and with more enthusiasm than before and my my sleeping has improved a bit but not like incredibly better. The first 2 months were very hard when it came to sleeping as my brain would often think that it needed to wank before going to sleep. To be quite honest I don't miss watching porno and never really enjoyed the after math feeling so I have gone almost 90 days with watching porno once and I don't miss it. But I do have a very STRONG WILL POWER that most people don't posses so I have found it to be really easy not watching porno.
What hasn't been easy is the idea of fantasizing to get hard! This is the most annoying part of this whole reboot, I often go into my head and start fantasizing (not really about a porno scene but I do try to play out my fetish with my gf) and according to the book Your Brain on Porn, your brain doesn't know the difference between a screen and what your brain is perceiving so in theory, have I really stopped watching porno?

As for issues with my girlfriend, we got into a lot of fights because of this and much more so we're taking a break. Being the horrible person that I am the first thing I did was invite one of those women to my place and just like that I was harder than I had ever been in months. Luckily for me this girl was not very experienced so we couldn't have sex but she did give me hand job and I had no issues. Does that count against the rebooting? I know what I did was very wrong on so many levels but I'm trying to reboot successfully and not sure if this is helping or doing the complete opposite. In the book Your Brain on Porn Dr. Gary mentions an experiment that included a female rat and a male rate where the male rat would constantly mate with the female rat until it became "boring". The male rat became less and less interested so they added a new rat and again he peaked in mating. They repeated this experiment over and over again with the same results. I'm no rat, (I think) so I know that type of behavior is very destructive. I want to be able to make love (not just sex) with my future wife without falling into the rat trap but no matter what I did I could not get a natural erection with my gf compared to this other girl who came over. My gf and I are taking a break and maybe you're right Wolfman, I need a bigger break from any sexual related activities. I guess my addiction is a bit different where I don't miss porno to be quite honest, I barely even think about it and I can probably say that I will NEVER watch it again. I just want to get erections normally without having to go into my head and create an unrealistic fetish scenario just to have sex with my future girlfriend.

I truly hope that by 6 months I am in a different place but I will say that porno has been a big waste of time and the results can be devastating. Thank you fellow Rebooters!!


CB

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Re: Rebooting Day 66 (still not interested in sex with my gf)
« Reply #6 on: January 23, 2020, 04:32:15 PM »
Congratulations on your streak! Kkeep it up! I’m 200+ days of rebooting/sobering and I have been noticing that my libido comes and goes, in the beginning my dick was totally dead for very long. It is scary, and it is scary to get all these ”what if” thoughts about your gf. I have been going through the same thing. I’m lucky my gf is very understanding about it all. I’m sorry to hear you two had difficulties. What you have to know this addiction is not going to go away in a while, it is imoprtant not to get stressed about sex, there’s other aspects of relationships and our lives we have to enjoy too. We tend to get stuck on sex while rebooting, of course we are, it’s been something that’s occupied lots of time through out our lives while using PMO. I’m 200+ days and I still get weeks of flatlining. When we have had sex me and my gf it’s been great and my erection has been the best it’s ever been. Performance anxiety has been a huge deal throughout my life when I’ve had sex with girls I’ve met.
They say sex/porn addiction is taking about 2-4 years to get sober from. When most addicts feel symptom free, but like any addiction it will always be with us now for the rest of our lives. I hope you can relate, and that you’ll feel better.

Keep fighting it’s worth it!