Author Topic: One Day at a Time Journal  (Read 341 times)

J000123757

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 19
    • View Profile
One Day at a Time Journal
« on: January 07, 2020, 02:17:48 PM »
Day 1

Starting this journal is encouraging. Today I feel clear-minded and motivated to do the work I have for the day. It feels nice to have motivation to change after a few weeks of feeling like nothing would be different if I rebooted or if is PMOd.

I feel relatively self-aware today and overall more energized for the day and for the potential temptations that typically come around 3-5 pm.

frodobaggins14

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 13
    • View Profile
Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2020, 03:15:37 PM »
Nice start!! Good luck with the work you have to do for today, I'm looking forward to seeing your next journal entry!
-M

J000123757

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 19
    • View Profile
Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2020, 08:13:42 PM »
Thank you for the encouragement M! It is much appreciated.

Day 1 Journal Entry 2
I perceive temptation coming tonight after my events are done. I also really do want to read so I am praying for a single-mindedness and minimal to no strong draws tonight.


BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1464
    • View Profile
Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #3 on: January 07, 2020, 09:55:34 PM »
Welcome to the group, man! Joining here has really helped me to make some important steps forward in my progress. There are a lot of good guys full of support and advice.

Congratulations on taking this important step. Here's to a great day tomorrow!

J000123757

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 19
    • View Profile
Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #4 on: January 07, 2020, 11:10:46 PM »
Thank you! I am looking forward to the encouragement and advice from women and men who have been at it longer than me.

J000123757

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 19
    • View Profile
Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #5 on: January 08, 2020, 10:48:39 AM »
Day 2

I was able to get to bed last night with minimal temptation. I could have used P-Subs quite easily but was able to stay away. Today is another day that is artificially ordered and has open space within it. I hope to be diligent in the work I have and to be focused with my to-do list.

Today would be an easy day to look at P-Subs so my focus is to not give in to that.

J000123757

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 19
    • View Profile
Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #6 on: January 08, 2020, 08:07:04 PM »
Day 2

Journal 2
Tonight I am experiencing depression symptoms: lonely, lack of motivation, the future seems pointless. Had good interactions today and avoided P-Subs which was my goal. It is potentially slight withdrawal symptoms. Nevertheless, I know these feelings are momentary and a part of life. I hope my experiences will be helpful to people in the future and I can have integrity for the rest of the night - avoiding P-Subs and PMO.

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1464
    • View Profile
Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #7 on: January 08, 2020, 09:00:48 PM »
It's good to be aware of your feelings. One thing that I learned last year is that addiction is a coping strategy for emotional pain. It's a symptom of a larger unmet need. So we can spend our whole day avoiding p-subs and triggers, but if we don't take care of the underlying emotional pain, we'll continue to crave our addiction until that larger problem is solved.

So those feelings are momentary and a part of life, but they can also be a sign that you need to take care of yourself in a particular way. I can remember so many relapses that happened after a few days of feeling really hopeless about the future. Hopelessness isn't sexual or porn-related at all, but it drives my addiction. So I have tried to find ways to feel like I'm going somewhere in life and that there is hope in an effort to fight my addiction at the source.

That's a long ramble, but it's something that has helped me a lot. Keep up the good work for another day!

J000123757

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 19
    • View Profile
Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #8 on: January 09, 2020, 12:21:58 PM »
Day 3

Was able to avoid P-Subs last night. However, I am using the internet still for coping. That has led to some more depression symptoms this morning. Hopelessness is an easy internal trigger for me to begin believing a sober life isn’t any better than an addicted one - which I know is not accurate to my experience.

I assume some of the issue may be that my dopamine production is down due to my addiction. This will get better with time and I know the pain is a foundation for growth.

Today there are quite a few things to do and I look forward to multiple meetings, going outside, and spending time with my family.

My hope is to remain thinking of others even as it has been a difficult week to do so and self-sacrifice feels like such a massive shift in lifestyle.

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1464
    • View Profile
Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #9 on: January 09, 2020, 07:39:20 PM »
Take it easy on yourself. It definitely all takes time and growth is not always linear. Stick with what works and let time do the rest of the healing.

Good that you're staying engaged with real life, work, family, etc. This recovery process really is about reclaiming our lives, and that is so much more complex and rewarding than just giving up one bad habit.

Keep it up!

J000123757

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 19
    • View Profile
Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #10 on: January 10, 2020, 10:09:11 AM »
Day 4

I had a great night. Was able to watch a movie I read of staying on my phone for an hour - baby steps. This morning I feel rested and energized to take on the day. This is the period when I am typically more lax on my discipline since the temptations are less urgent. I aim to be diligent in my work and more prayerful today as well, which is a good way for me to stay aware of those around me too.

Overall I am grateful for a place to journal where there is at least the opportunity for others to see it, which is at least a form of responsibility.

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1464
    • View Profile
Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #11 on: January 10, 2020, 06:14:23 PM »
Good stuff, another day in the bank! Here's to day 5!

J000123757

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 19
    • View Profile
Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #12 on: January 13, 2020, 07:17:29 PM »
Journal 5

Day 7

I have been traveling the past few days which has been a good change. I have had more frequent thoughts of previous sexual experiences. That hasn’t been too difficult but want to be watchful nonetheless. I am still having anxiety at night that I know I have to continue to face well and not use negative coping skills.

J000123757

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 19
    • View Profile
Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #13 on: January 14, 2020, 11:45:59 AM »
Day 8

Today I am getting back home and the small transition can be a challenge. I have been on the go and slowing down and resting well can be difficult. I feel good about how the last few days have gone and have another trip coming up soon. I feel some internal pulls towards fantasy as I am tired and a it stressed. I appreciate the support I have received and will rely on this forum heavily, definitely until I begin going to group meetings in a few weeks. Here’s to recovery as a lifestyle and prayer and meditation instead of retreat and fantasy!

J000123757

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 19
    • View Profile
Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #14 on: January 15, 2020, 11:25:59 AM »
Day 9

I got good rest last night and enjoyed my night with friends. I am still using screens far more than I wish and substitute the screen time for meditation and prayer especially at night. Baby steps. I hope the praying for people can be a good way to experience a connection with folks who I don’t see everyday and begin to focus on others more than myself.

I am now in a place where the intensity and frequency of temptations are down but I also know this is about the time when it is easy to slip and de-prioritize my sobriety.

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1464
    • View Profile
Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #15 on: January 15, 2020, 09:08:35 PM »
Yeah, it's definitely good to stay aware and cautions, especially when it doesn't feel as necessary. Every time I ever felt like I was cured or in the clear, I fell hard.

And I know what you mean about wanting to cut down on screen time. That's a continuing struggle for me as well. If screen time is triggering for you, definitely work to cut it down. But also don't feel too bad if focusing on cutting out porn is taking all your time and attention. There's no shame in tackling one thing at a time. Get the porn urges more under control and then branch out to work on something else.

This is a journey of a lifetime, so there's time to get it all figured out. Start with what needs your attention the most and go from there.

J000123757

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 19
    • View Profile
Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #16 on: January 16, 2020, 11:16:29 AM »
Good advice Blue Heron - thank you!

DAY 10

Today I woke up energized even after staying up late with a friend. I am pumped about that since I typically wake up anxious and/or tired. I will go to the gym and do some work today before leaving on another trip. I’ll be staying with my sister and her roommates and it should be very fun and relaxing. While this is not usually an issue for me, I am extremely sexually attracted to one of the roommates.

I know I will not attempt anything with her for many reasons, but I can feel myself being tempted to fantasize about her and finding the fantasies swift and overwhelming. I hope we have limited interactions and even if we don’t then I want to be disciplined with my thought life as to not objectify her in my mind and let any fantasies come and go in my mind.

Any tips here might be helpful.

I plan on focusing on meditating especially at night and not being in the house alone. I’m hopeful that I can catch thoughts early and thus only have thoughts about her that are humanizing and respectful, even if the uncontrollable ideas to pop up.

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1464
    • View Profile
Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #17 on: January 16, 2020, 08:13:13 PM »
Maybe counterintuitive advice, but avoiding your sister's roommate might be the wrong move. It's a lot harder to objectify someone that you're having a real conversation with. You'll know the situation better than I do, but maybe the thing to do is to just acknowledge your attraction, recognize that it's not really going anywhere, but use it as an opportunity to just get to know a woman and practice relating to someone you're attracted to. At least for me, it's a lot harder to fall into porn-brain when I really know a person and respect them. Much easier to objectify anonymous strangers.

But do definitely take care of yourself addiction wise: meditating and not being alone sound like solid components of a plan to stay on track.

Keep it up!

J000123757

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 19
    • View Profile
Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #18 on: January 19, 2020, 01:05:24 AM »
Yeah I agree Blue Heron I likely shouldn’t have assumed that part. Those sorts of interactions are thankfully ordinary.

Day 12
I have had a good time visiting. I feel pretty clear about relational dynamics and have a relatively clear mind overall. I have had tame but still sexual dreams about my ex in the past few days. I’m sure it’s connected to my reboot being at the 12 day mark and perhaps the memories are just part of the cleansing. I am trying to continually separate myself from them as to not drive me to fantasy but also allow myself to mourn that loss if, in fact, I’m in a good enough place to feel the emotional and not the trigger.

I feel grateful about the process and want to remain humble and stick to meditating, praying, and being wise with thoughts - especially when I’m around people who talk about sex frequently, are a touch flirty, and who I don’t know that well which might lead me to want to be liked by them and lose focus.

Overall, those are mostly precautions as they are respectful and I’m having a blast. Now to get good rest and continue working towards health and reboot one day at a time.

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1464
    • View Profile
Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #19 on: January 19, 2020, 08:27:49 PM »
Sounds like you're in a pretty good place right now, and that's awesome. Definitely stay humble and keep doing the things that have gotten you this far! I know for me trouble has always started when I started to think I was out of the woods. Stay vigilant, and you'll stay on course.

Enjoy the rest of your visit!

J000123757

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 19
    • View Profile
Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #20 on: January 20, 2020, 11:13:31 PM »
I think that is true Blue Heron, thank you.

Day 14

Today was a good day. I had fun chatting with some friends and appreciated time with new friends as well. Tonight I am feeling some urges to look at women on my phone and objectify them as I’m scrolling. I am going to get ready for bed as soon as I post this which is a good start for me. I am also quite tired and looking forward to good sleep before a travel day tomorrow.

I have noticed that I am feeling more emotions during the reboot, or I am at least recognizing them. Today I felt anxiety about my work future but was able to say it out loud with someone with me in the car which helped a lot. I was also able to reason through it.

I do hope the anxiety slows down a bit. I also keep getting intruding thoughts about my ex girlfriend. While it’s not unusual that she may come to mind necessarily, the past week has been particularly noticeable. I forget that long term healing and nostalgia is part of the break up process.

One day at a time has been a helpful mantra and I plan on using it in the future. I appreciate the self-confidence that comes with sobriety and want to continue the difficult work of prioritizing my reboot.

J000123757

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 19
    • View Profile
Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #21 on: January 21, 2020, 07:28:36 PM »
Day 15

I had a good day of travel today. Things went smoothly and I had a great conversation with someone on the plane. I am experiencing some depression and anxiety symptoms tonight and I am beginning to wonder whether or not it is associated with my reboot or not. I have not gone without PMO for this long in 2 years (typically reboots last about 6-10 days) and so I assume this may be part of it. I am still encouraged by the rawness of my emotions since it seems sobriety has allowed me to feel more clearly than before. It may be harder this way but it is less confusing than giving in.

I remember that if I want to have high self-respect I should be doing respectable acts. Going through this reboot will allow me to see myself more clearly which will cause me to be more humble and more confident, both of which make me a better person and better person to be around. I anticipate the fruits of this struggle being a more wholesome me.

For tonight, I am tired, anxious about going back to school, and tempted. I am exhausted from traveling. I am nervous about the amount of work I have for this semester and how difficult it is to learn a new language. I am tempted to PMO as my brain is lying to me telling me I have worked hard and deserve to objectify women through PMO as a reward. I know my brain is starting to panic a bit for positive affirmation, excitement, and self-esteem - all of which do happen with pornography. Yet, all those feelings get taken away the moment I wake up tomorrow and realize the dopamine rush I felt has now given way to dread and the feeling of “not again” that will last all day. I would be worrying if I am disqualifying myself from future happiness, and if it’s better that I am single  in the future because of this.

Instead, I will finish the night strong just like I began it. I will work on my language work and then go to bed and cuddle with God who is there to show affection. I know I am extremely tempted right now and asking for help outside of myself. The goal for the next few hours is to do the work I want to do and go to bed early.

J000123757

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 19
    • View Profile
Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #22 on: January 22, 2020, 04:32:04 PM »
Day 16

Today was pretty lazy. I started the day off well which I am proud of. My spirits were generally up as well which I’m grateful for as well. I am looking forward to the evening spending time with my grandmother I hardly see. We have a tendency to bicker about our political differences as a way to love and connect, but I hope we find a better way tonight.

I am close to leaving to back to school and I know I’ll be tempted before I go back. To give into PMO usually means staying up very late and being a pain to be around the next day or so. Here’s to sobriety for today!

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1464
    • View Profile
Re: One Day at a Time Journal
« Reply #23 on: January 22, 2020, 09:26:24 PM »
Sounds like you're still moving along well. I know exactly what you mean about the strong emotions. I never realized until recently how much I was anesthetizing myself from my own emotions through my addiction. Once you get some distance from porn, it's like all the emotions come flooding back in, and it can be a little overwhelming. I don't really have advice, but it's always helpful to know it's not just me.

Keep pushing forward!