Author Topic: Not interested in real women and social alienation (No Porn 2020)  (Read 1439 times)

Z

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Re: Not interested in real women and social alienation (No Porn 2020)
« Reply #50 on: March 25, 2020, 05:55:06 PM »
Day 25

Because of the corona situation I'm spending my days at home and only rarely see real women of my age. It's crazy how fast this led to a change in my brain. Before my university closed due to corona, I was so caught up in catching eye contact with women everytime I left the house that I had to invent rules to limit this and keep a clear mind. 2 days of staying at home and I started fantasizing about bimbodolls the whole day while being not concerned about normal women at all. It wasn't even about bimbodolls that I used to watch before, my visual ideal became a level more extreme and was about the general imagination of a certain body shape, not about particular bimbodolls. When I went outside for some fresh air I only looked at women to visualize how they would look like with huge fake tits, as if they were just no sexual beings or another species with their normal bodies. I can still access the internet at university, I just can't enter the building. Last week the weather was pretty good so I could do all my internet work this way. From this week on it became too cold to sit outside for a longer amount of time so I decided to get a mobile internet flatrate. For my passion project I need to spend a few hours on the internet every week. I insert my sim card only when I need internet and put it out directly after that. Still, this doesn't work. Although I'm super dedicated to this challenge, after 20-60 minutes of internet I start looking up things that can be considered as mini-steps towards porn. Usually not even edging to it, it's an urge in my brain to get a particular information at a certain moment at all costs. This is what I did over the course of the last 3 days:
- Looked up implant sizes to see if I really like them this big
- Very quickly (1-2 minutes) looked up pictures of porn stars with respective bodies for the same reason including pictures of sex scenes, making an effort to stay detached and not getting turned on
- Browsed through sites of sex doll manufacturers for 20-30 minutes (I never did this before and it felt similar to browsing through porn videos but I could stop)
- Saw a few videos of men having sex with their sex dolls (I know this is weird and luckily there are not many of these videos out there)
- Watched 3 mini-documentaries about bimbodolls
- Looked up nudes of bimbodolls on google images for about 2-3 minutes
- Went to the instagram of my favourite girl at the time I stopped porn, a feed that is pretty unsexualized though. There were no new pictures and therefore I immediately closed it.

This might count as a relapse, I don't know. I still didn't fap and my libido is high, this gives me a high level of motivation to do my daily work and makes my workouts more intense. I always thought that after 7 days the energy level would decrease but in these 25 days it became higher from day to day. I like this state and the positive impact of it without the corona-isolation might be huge. There are ways of having an orgasm during sex without ejaculation, this might be the way to do it after this challenge.

The interesting point is that although these pictures certainly confirmed my ideal of the female body, the obsession in my head considerably decreased since I saw them. It's still there but before it was just overwhelmimg and I could barely think of anything else. From this perspective it's a relief now, on the other side it might just be a matter of time until this state reappears and I might have to overcome it without seeing any pictures as a part of my recovery process.

The no edging rule seems to be impossible. Often I wake up in the middle of the night or early in the morning and catch myself edging in semi-sleep. I'm far away from ejaculating but I have to pay attention here.

The important learning: There is no way I can allow myself to access the internet at home. Luckily I realize this early enough to avoid a longer porn or instagram session. I will take out my sim card now, hide it, and use it only when I need to talk to my family on the phone. Regarding my passion project I have to accept that I will have to limit the internet part of it and wait until the temperatures rise high enough to use outdoor hotspots. Respect to everyone on here who manages to stay away despite having private internet the whole time. For me this seems to be impossible.

As I managed to avoid losing myself in porn I'll continue counting the days. If I'll do any of the listed things again I'll consider it a relapse. This corona situation is unfortunate and makes this challenge way harder but there is no way to use it as an excuse to relapse as the time until I have to reach my stated goals keeps running. I will see almost no real girls in my daily life for at least 4 more weeks so it will be even more important to stay disciplined. It's part of my daily motivation and even of my motivation to stay disciplined with regards to this challenge here to visualize having sex with a woman who looks like the ones I would watch if I watched porn, it's impossible to get that out of my head right now. It became a part of my identity to work towards it as a long-term goal and it really makes me more disciplined with regards to things like university and working out. But in order to reach this goal it is necessary to make experiences with normal-looking women first and the simple way to go now is to just stay away from fapping and from watching porn by killing all possibilities of private internet access.
« Last Edit: March 25, 2020, 06:00:50 PM by Z »

Z

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Re: Not interested in real women and social alienation (No Porn 2020)
« Reply #51 on: March 26, 2020, 05:12:23 PM »
After I wrote this post yesterday I immediately started watching porn for about 45 minutes until my phone battery went empty. Today after breakfast I moved my bed to get my sim card back and spend about 5-6 hours watching porn with some breaks in between. Masturbated twice. I'll have to start again. At least the fascination is gone now. I'll use up my remaining mobile data now, then it will be easier again. This 6-month challenge here keeps running.

The problem is this: "It's part of my daily motivation and even of my motivation to stay disciplined with regards to this challenge here to visualize having sex with a woman who looks like the ones I would watch if I watched porn, it's impossible to get that out of my head right now. It became a part of my identity to work towards it as a long-term goal (...)." This is not only a permanent trigger but working towards the long-term goal of having sex with a women that looks like a pornstar also makes it way harder for my brain to recover.

Today I could trace back my obsession with these surgically heavily enhanced women by reading my daily notes. Mid 2019 I decided to isolate myself completely by cutting off even the little social contact I had back then and starting to study from home. After a few weeks I started to make serious plans about how to "get" such a trophy wife one day and directed my whole life in that direction. This is when I became obsessed and started with sessions of several hours. Before that I knew that there are some extremely attractive women out there but they were not that interesting and the major amount of my sexual thoughts were related to girls I knew in person. When I started to be around people more from mid February until mid March the obsession went away almost completely, then it came back with corona. The point is: My porn obsession is strongly related to social isolation. And the ideal life that I envision every day is strongly related to my porn obsession. This obsession with enhanced women is not my natural state. Yes, I always preferred these kinds of women when watching porn but I did not prefer them over looking at real women until I started to isolate myself. I also remember that I stepped into a new phase of porn use after finishing high school, as the daily class room was gone I started to get into more extreme categories and started to build stronger fascinations for particular pornstars. My obsession is like a parasite that came with social isolation and took over my whole life design. Working towards having sex with enhanced women is not my natural state, it is a result of this parasite. Right now I'm treating this goal as the best thing on earth but I am blinded by my obsession and not able to see life in clarity. I need to get the obsession out of me before I can propose long-term goals again. If after that I still think that builing a life that attracts hot women is the way to go then that is cool but right now I am controlled by a parasite can't trust my current desires.

A modification of my challenge is required: I need to strictly dismiss everything sexual. Dismiss every sexual desire, even related to women I see on the street, every pleasant anticipation of the benefits of successfully completing this challenge. I need to cut out sex as a motivation in my daily affirmations. I need to force myself not to look at the attractive women I rarely see on the street. I need to shame edging and masturbation anyway, sleep in boxershorts and ignore my erection in the morning. I will completely repress and ignore my sexuality because it is infested by a parasite and if I embrace my sexual desires this parasite spreads over different parts of my identity. I will focus on that at least until June but won't stop before I notice that I have reached the previously proclaimed goals of my cold turkey phase.

This will cut off a big part of my purpose that motivates me to do my daily tasks, so I will have to replace it until I have reached enough clarity to redefine my purpose. I might see this first phase as a bootcamp to discipline myself and toughen me up mentally to build an extreme masculine mindstate completely unrelated to women. I will define that more clearly tomorrow but might not post it on here as I will finally eliminate my non-public internet acces now.

Jeks

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Re: Not interested in real women and social alienation (No Porn 2020)
« Reply #52 on: March 27, 2020, 02:23:34 AM »

A modification of my challenge is required: I need to strictly dismiss everything sexual. Dismiss every sexual desire, even related to women I see on the street, every pleasant anticipation of the benefits of successfully completing this challenge. I need to cut out sex as a motivation in my daily affirmations. I need to force myself not to look at the attractive women I rarely see on the street. I need to shame edging and masturbation anyway, sleep in boxershorts and ignore my erection in the morning. I will completely repress and ignore my sexuality because it is infested by a parasite and if I embrace my sexual desires this parasite spreads over different parts of my identity. I will focus on that at least until June but won't stop before I notice that I have reached the previously proclaimed goals of my cold turkey phase.

This will cut off a big part of my purpose that motivates me to do my daily tasks, so I will have to replace it until I have reached enough clarity to redefine my purpose. I might see this first phase as a bootcamp to discipline myself and toughen me up mentally to build an extreme masculine mindstate completely unrelated to women. I will define that more clearly tomorrow but might not post it on here as I will finally eliminate my non-public internet acces now.

100 % agree.

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/is-my-fetish-porn-induced/

Your goals and the attempt to reboot your brain dont go along at the moment.
You have got to figure out other things, that will keep you motivated. For me i shifted my focus on not having the hottest girl, but just to be able to have a healthy and functional relationship. I also had to stop looking for girls for a while, because it got me triggered and developed to a compulsive behaviour after quitting porn. I couldnt watch women without fantasizing how they would look, when they would be in a porn scene. Even thinking about them naked, which seems like an innocent thing to do, got me triggered. Remember, what you are experiencing is not your actual sex drive or libido, but cravings. You will know the difference, when you get your real libido back.

faenoe

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Re: Not interested in real women and social alienation (No Porn 2020)
« Reply #53 on: March 27, 2020, 02:02:45 PM »
Hey Z,

I just read through your journal and I really appreciate all of the stuff that you have shared.

Have you noticed any specific triggers which make your brain get into the "need to look at porn to survive" rut? For me, it's stress but it could be totally different for you.

When I am feeling urges to look at porn, I always come online here to read through the journals. This helps my brain get out of that loop where it needs to look at porn and helps remind me of my goal to quit and leave it behind. September is coming up. You can reach your goal. We are here for you.