Author Topic: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery  (Read 3894 times)

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #50 on: March 03, 2020, 11:51:45 AM »
So an update is long overdue.

I've made the initial challenge. Yeah. But now to keep going, that is the hard part.
I've noticed that the urges have gone more silent but are now aiming for the old automatic pilot mode. I've almost given in a couple of times. But luckily I didn't.

I've noticed that I've been absent both on here as wel as in my mind with regards to the addiction and that is not a good thing. I'm giving myself an extra 2 weeks of no masturbating just to get my thoughts in the right direction. I feel that I am not there yet.
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CB

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #51 on: March 04, 2020, 03:05:51 PM »
Good to hear you have been keeping yourself from relapsing. That’s really good, it is definitely a boost  just knowing you haven’t given in to it. Just keep going you will make it.
We are all here to help each other, it is a long way to getting free and it is not easy at all. The easiest part is just letting go and falling back down to that ”best feeling in the world”.

But it is consuming us too, it’s so easy to fall down that spiral. But it has a price, and I don’t think anyone wants this to lead to really bad stuff, as for some people. I don’t want that and I’m sure you don’t want that. Keep hanging in there, the cravings are bad sometimes but they tend to go away if we don’t reason with the addicted self. And they go away faster for each day, some days feel like your stuck at page one again, but it will go away. It’s all part of recovery.

Hope you’re doing better.

Orbiter

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #52 on: March 16, 2020, 04:52:01 AM »
Hey Shade,

Sometimes I think that initial period is the easiest part. It's the part after the eureka moment and the rush of self-confidence and motivation that comes with that initial decision to making an improvement that could change our lives. Maintaining it is far harder and the rewards are not always immediately tangible. You will make it though, just keep going and don't give up no matter what. Every day is a victory.

Wolfman

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #53 on: March 16, 2020, 01:12:34 PM »
Awesome stuff Shade! Milestones can be really helpful, but also make sure to set the next as you progress. I hope things are working out for the better and that you're discovering a better self of yourself in the challenge and its overcoming.

Take care of yourself, and others, brother.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #54 on: April 10, 2020, 04:21:07 PM »
Hi guys, here I am again. All is still going well, but I'm still struggling. I will write a more extisive story later.

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ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #55 on: April 11, 2020, 09:51:03 AM »
Hi Guys,

After i've hit my target i've actually let the forum slip! And i've also noticed that a while back, the site was offline alot for some weird reason.

Anyway i'm back again and i want to give an update on how I'm doing and where i'm at. Also i am very interested in you guys.

For me it has been okay. No full relapses. Only some MO's. But i've noticed that i want to MO a lot. And yesterday i've actually did it to hard (deathgrip) and bruised myself... That for me was a wake up call to get my full attention back to my addiction. I've been letting it slip way to much and that's very dangerous for me. Weirdly and luckily i've not relapsed, but I have been struggling against it.

I can imagine that for a lot of you guys, this corona virus is a very difficult thing since a lot of us are forced to work from home. Myself included. My office is on the third floor of our house, nice and secluded. But, i did make sure that counter measures are in place. I've got a home trainer and my weight sets there as well so i've been working out like crazy haha. This helps me when I feel urges.

Other than that the wife an I are doing fine. She has been and still is very supportive of me with my addiction and she makes it very clear that I can talk to her about it. For me it is still difficult to open up about it, but I've noticed that slowly but surely i'm getting used to it. This makes it easier. Still no sexy time between us, but that was a mutual decision. We've been building on our relationship a lot and we're making good progress. But all progress comes with ups and downs.

I'm very positive and grateful and i will start posting here much more regularly again

Cheers!
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ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #56 on: April 12, 2020, 07:19:15 AM »
Hi Guys,

I forgot to mention that yesterday (or the day before yesterday actually was a counter reset for a new hard mode period.. 4 weeks) So today i'm at day 2.
Everything going well, still a bit confumbled from the fact that i actually yanked it to hard.. Anyway, i've been reading up a lot and i've noticed that a lot of the ppl that were posting at the same time as me have already stopped posting. I'm curious how they are.

But back to me. The weather here is fantastic, and it sucks since we kinda cannot not go outside. SO i've been trying to clean up the garden and roof terrace, so we can sit in the sun!!! I've yet to have urges since it's only been two days and i'm caring for the wife since she has corona (only mild sypmtoms luckily). Anyway. the struggle will begin once i start working again on tuesday. But im feeling strong and starting posting on here actually helps me to reach my goal i've noticed. By doing so i've forced myself to talk about the things that normally just float in my head, but now i actually put those feelings to words and that helps!!!

Bye, bye
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UKGuy

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #57 on: April 14, 2020, 03:49:08 AM »
Hi Shade,
Just a note to say how encouraged I am reading your story and to congratulate you on your progress so far - particularly the manner in which you've reflected on the impact of previous behaviour on your wife, taken her into your confidence, and are tackling the journey together. You can't change the past, and only have the present moment to determine the future - the fact that you are making wise choices in the present moment and with awareness of your triggers and emotions is really great and an inspiration.
I agree with you that things are quiet on here - I only joined up a week or two ago, and am normally in the 40+ group. Things are very quiet there so I thought I'd come and look at what the 30somethings are doing! I've been discussing how quiet things are with a few guys and there seems to be a consensus that it's lockdown related - maybe people don't have the private time to get a quiet moment and journal on here (with others in the house). At the same time hopefully this means they don't have the private time to PMO also - perhaps the lockdown may help as one big reboot for some - that was certainly my plan when I came here.

Wishing you much luck in your continued journey (also nice to have a fellow European here!).

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #58 on: April 14, 2020, 04:30:21 PM »
Hey UKGuy, thanks for the loving words! It means a great deal to me, it really does!

And i do also think that is is lockdown related. I just hope that all the people on here that live alone won't have an even more difficult time. It is after all a time of stress and uncertainty and therefore a time at which the addiction is even more dangerous.
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ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #59 on: April 16, 2020, 04:42:43 AM »
Update,

Today i got some urges so I immediately went to hit the weights and do some planking exercises. That helped a lot. Other than that I'm missing the previous interaction on this forum from before. It is one of the things that I loved about this forum. But this forum never dissapoints because other new people started responding. Yay for this community
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UKGuy

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #60 on: April 17, 2020, 02:52:32 AM »
Well done Shade - great to hear. We should have a reboot nation planking time challenge! Have a good day.

CB

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #61 on: April 18, 2020, 01:33:22 AM »
It’s great to hear that you as me are still on track! Great job Shade! Yep these Coronavirus times makes it more difficult for us addicts, it’s really easy to wander off in my head (thinking about sex/p) because of the worry or being in quarantine.
It’s really good to hear that you’ve opened up more with your partner about the addiction. It is not easy, I know the shame is like thousand tons of stones on your back. It makes it so much easier when you can talk about it. My gf knows about me too, and it makes it easier, and I don’t want to let her down, and I can see more and more clearly about why I shouldn’t let myself down as well.

Your’re doing great!


blueicetea10

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #62 on: April 18, 2020, 07:13:26 AM »
That's awesome exercise is a great way to blow of that steam! Awesome work  :D
Mastery is not an exalted state that lies at the end of the path; it is a state of mind the lies at the very beginning.
Mastery is in the act of setting foot on the path, not in reaching its end.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #63 on: April 19, 2020, 03:27:34 AM »
Thanks for the support UKGuy, CB and blueice,

SO yesterday i wanst feeling myself so i MO'd in the shower.. No P. I don't rlly know why but i was in a fuck it all mood...
So today the counter has been reset to day 0. I'm not feeling bad about it, but i'm trying to understand what made me feel that way.

I also noticed that yesterday, for the first time in a long time, i've been gaming for quite some times (3-4 hours) and afterwards i had a similiar feeling after PMO-ing; brain fog and feeling disconnected from reality. It actually took me an hour and a walk outside to snap out of it. My wife also noticed it.
Somehow i wasnt enjoying gaming anymore (what is always the case when i do it for like an hour or so). So this is what most likely contributed to my MO-ing yesterday.

I've learned a powerful lesson, one that is already widely know i guess, and that is that gaming in itself is also very addictive and that it is not good to do when you're rebooting. So, this game which cleverly uses a leveling system that makes you chase, is now being shelved.



Today i've been up for a while now, been doing the laundry, clean the kitchen, unloaded the dishwasher and looked at job oppurtunities.
This lookign for job opportunities is also a sign i've had addictive behaviour! It is looking for something better, more money, more vacation days etc.
It all stems from a deeper feeling that something is not right.

The question for me to answer right now is; what is missing inside of myself that makes me want to chase these superficial things.
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ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #64 on: April 19, 2020, 04:40:44 AM »
Addition, i feel that im also quite in a shitty mood today. I think i am bored, yet don't want to do anything. I dont want to deal with things. I just want to throw of any sense of responsibility and just wither away doing mindless stuff.

I noticed this when I thought about the things that i wanted to do today, I want to avoid all that and act like a child. It is hard for me to pinpoint exactly why that is and where it is coming from.I feel like not complying to anything. I'm acting like an irrational child and I want to at this moment.

On the positive side, im not thinking about P.. I just feel aggitated or better yet, frustrated.  Could it be that these feelings are the consequence of my gaming spree yesterday? I just want to feel usefull and do something productive, but this aggitation and brain fog. I simply cannot oversee it all. The wife is getting ready upstairs and i don't want her to come down because then i have to do the things we agreed to. Its not the wife i dont want to come down but the reality of doing the things we agreed to.

I think that this is it... I'm not feeling like myself and i feel like i am lacking something. So i want to feel like a good person and be productive. But the brainfog and trouble focussing, i'm letting those stop me. So i feel useless in some way and so I want to do something productive AND enter a circle.



Edit: The process of writing my feelins and thoughts down plus immediately talking with my wife about it has helped in such a way that over half of these feelings are not here anymore. I already feel better and relieved i've investigated and expressed these feelings! I have to remember this for future references!

« Last Edit: April 19, 2020, 05:01:26 AM by ShadeTrenicin »
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UKGuy

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #65 on: April 19, 2020, 05:46:33 AM »
Hi Shade,

I really enjoy reading your posts - they are so thoughtful and full of positive intent. Just a few thoughts from me, in no particular order.....

1) Well done on not beating yourself up for a lapse. That resilience (getting back on the horse after a fall) is a great mid set to have.
2) I tend to agree with you about the gaming. I am not an avid gamer, but have got into playing Fortnite occasionally (a couple of times a week). I notice that it fires up the same parts of the brain that engaging in porn does. The feeling is milder, but it is still very similar. I've not decided how to deal with it - do I avoid it, or is it something that I can use as a diversion tactic when tempted to PMO? Whatever the answer, I think excessive gaming isn't probably a great idea, particularly for people that have compulsive/addictive tenancies.
3) Don't be too hard on yourself about being productive. It feels like you are taking on too many fights with yourself perhaps. Life is about the journey, not the destination. This moment is the only moment you have - the past is gone, the future yet to happen. Enjoy the moment and whatever activities you are doing - appreciate the fact that you had food to make the plates dirty, have a dishwasher to unload, that you are fit and able enough to do it, that you have a loving wife that appreciates your help in doing it. In my life I have learned that aiming for more, even if successful, usually results in aiming for more. Have a read of Eckhart Tolle if you have not already. Don't become a slave to your thoughts. Observe them. Don't judget them. You don't need to follow them. That realisation was a big help for me with my mental health generally. Practicing mindfulness helps me become more aware of the thoughts arising rather than blindly acting on them without awareness.
4) It's brilliant that you feel so positively about this forum - as you know, I feel exactly the same way. Even though I have only been active here 2 weeks, its feels like the 'missing ingredient' to help overcoming my addiction. It's really great to have guys like you to share the journey with - I feel so connected. Perhaps we can meet for a beer in NL or UK when the lockdown is over and celebrate our progress!
Take care, be strong, go and enjoy the day my friend!

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #66 on: April 19, 2020, 06:04:54 AM »
Hi Shade,

I really enjoy reading your posts - they are so thoughtful and full of positive intent. Just a few thoughts from me, in no particular order.....

1) Well done on not beating yourself up for a lapse. That resilience (getting back on the horse after a fall) is a great mid set to have.
2) I tend to agree with you about the gaming. I am not an avid gamer, but have got into playing Fortnite occasionally (a couple of times a week). I notice that it fires up the same parts of the brain that engaging in porn does. The feeling is milder, but it is still very similar. I've not decided how to deal with it - do I avoid it, or is it something that I can use as a diversion tactic when tempted to PMO? Whatever the answer, I think excessive gaming isn't probably a great idea, particularly for people that have compulsive/addictive tenancies.
3) Don't be too hard on yourself about being productive. It feels like you are taking on too many fights with yourself perhaps. Life is about the journey, not the destination. This moment is the only moment you have - the past is gone, the future yet to happen. Enjoy the moment and whatever activities you are doing - appreciate the fact that you had food to make the plates dirty, have a dishwasher to unload, that you are fit and able enough to do it, that you have a loving wife that appreciates your help in doing it. In my life I have learned that aiming for more, even if successful, usually results in aiming for more. Have a read of Eckhart Tolle if you have not already. Don't become a slave to your thoughts. Observe them. Don't judget them. You don't need to follow them. That realisation was a big help for me with my mental health generally. Practicing mindfulness helps me become more aware of the thoughts arising rather than blindly acting on them without awareness.
4) It's brilliant that you feel so positively about this forum - as you know, I feel exactly the same way. Even though I have only been active here 2 weeks, its feels like the 'missing ingredient' to help overcoming my addiction. It's really great to have guys like you to share the journey with - I feel so connected. Perhaps we can meet for a beer in NL or UK when the lockdown is over and celebrate our progress!
Take care, be strong, go and enjoy the day my friend!

Thanks UKGuy for being so supportive and active in following my progress.

Regarding the productiveness, you make a good point in enjoying life and i totally agree with it. Fun that you should mention Eckhart Tolle, the power of now is actually on the bookshelf. Havent started it tho, currently im reading a book by Tara Brach called Radical Compassion, i can totally recommend it. I've already been doing a lot of mindfulness and yes, it really really helps!
 
But the other side of enjoying life is that i do tend to enjoy life to much and not pick up on the things i want to get done. I also do postpone them because i have trouble creating a structure and having an overall view of what needs to be done. This is the ADHD in me (the adhd also makes me sensitive to addiction). On top of that, the continuous brain fog (which i've always linked to my ADHD) of the addiction makes/made it even more difficult.

So lately, since stopping the addiction, opening up about it and investigating where the feelins come from, i've actually gotten more grip on things and with that being able to handle things better. But on a day such as today i kinda relapse into old behaviour and that in itself can again lead to a P relapse.


ANyway, thanks for being so closely involved and having a beer is never a bad idea!

Cheers

Edit, after writing down my feelings, getting positive response and readin other progress reports i feel positive again.
I've immediately switched to use that positive energy so now i am creating new recipies to try out and afterwards ill go sit behind the piano and continue on my composition.

Thanks everyone
« Last Edit: April 19, 2020, 06:27:35 AM by ShadeTrenicin »
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ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #67 on: April 20, 2020, 01:24:57 AM »
Hi Guys,

So yesterday was an emotional experience for me. I woke up and i felt calm. I was productive and calm. But, just before noon i got agitated and frustrated. My previous posts reflect it. I was having a shit day. It was one of those days that you think everything is working against you, like the world is trying to annoy you. While in fact it was myself who was annoying me and I became  so agitated about it that I got mad, frustrated and impatient. And because of that i got clumsy and unfocused, so nothing worked for me. I drove myself in an frustrated circle. I stubbed my toe, broke a cup, DAMN YOU WORLD, and then in the supermarket they didn't have courgettes (zucchini for some  ;) ) and I almost cried. I had tears in my eye. I went back home (the journey felt like a mountain pass in the Himalayas) and still a foul mood. There was one thing positive though, and that was that I knew what was going on. This made it possible to write my posts. Luckily i had the presence of mind to tell the wife what was going on so that she knows its just a relapse thing and not something else. She was supportive.

Later that evening i finally calmed down and in such a way that i got full on emotional, cried over the stupidest things and in doing so was able to let go of my frustration.

Today i still feel the effects of yesterday (or the day before yesterday in which i had the gaming spree). I am restless and I have strong urges. Haven't felt these urges for a while now. I've been pursuading and yet dissuading myself to give in / not give into these urges. I play out scenarios on the benefits and joy I will have and it takes a lot of effort to come up with counter arguments.
So I came on here and started reading succes stories, other progress reports and finally writing this post.

The urge now is much less strong. I've reminded myself of why I am doing this. But holy sh*t it's such a tricky situation that while only yesterday i was having an emotional breakdown due to a sort of relapse, my mind still things that i should go and jerk off to P.

So here I am, sitting behind my desk getting ready to start working and not doing something else.

Thank you forum, for being there when I needed it!

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UKGuy

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #68 on: April 20, 2020, 05:14:45 AM »
So glad the clouds have cleared a little for you Shade, and well done on navigating your way through it. One of the things I have learned to remember is that moods, emotions and thoughts are ALWAYS temporary, and if you can just observe and be patient, they will pass. Thanks for the Tara Birch recommendation - I've read some of her stuff before and she's great. It seems we have similar interests and tastes, except for one thing....

I HATE COURGETTES!!!

Have a good day.

blueicetea10

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #69 on: April 22, 2020, 09:53:32 AM »
You’re determination is incredible! I’ve definitely had days just like the ones you have described. Dishwater on the socks, stubbing my toe and crying for no reason. I hope they come and go for you.

On gaming, I decided to let it go and don’t miss it. Video games can be works of art, and endless entertainment, but like you described I always feel disconnected from reality after long sessions. Everything in moderation I guess.

I hope the rest of your week is blessed.

Rooting for you mate!
Mastery is not an exalted state that lies at the end of the path; it is a state of mind the lies at the very beginning.
Mastery is in the act of setting foot on the path, not in reaching its end.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #70 on: April 23, 2020, 04:04:39 AM »
Thanks BlueIcetea and UKGuy!

I came here because I had an urge (it has been a couple of days and im starting to get frisky) and messages like yours really help me to not cave! They always strengthen my resolve! So, thank you guys.

The last two days I've noticed an increase in my concentration, so working is luckily going much better. Although working from home is still not as productive. Well it is, but more for my house. Since i am also doing a lot of little fixes :)

I've also picked up another hobby; making electronic music. I've always been a fan and love to go to festivals. I also love playing the piano and am composing my first piece of music. And i've taken that love for composing and electronic music to making digital music. It's really f*cking difficult though.. The amount of technical knowledge of sound, physics and mastering that is required has left me with a newfound respect for producers.

So, fixing the house, working out, making music also helps me with urges; Putting the energy into doing that instead of that other over-glorified-non-fulfulling thing

The thread of Traveler32 has also helped me, as he has clearly written down his mental process. I've found it a great addition to my own process which now looks like this:

1. Recognize the urge
2. Allow that the urge is there (you cannot will it away, let it be and analyze it)
3. Investigate why the urge is there (is there something inside of you that makes you resort to PMO?)
4. Realize that the urge is temporary
5. Recall the feeling of emptiness after a PMO wank
6. (optional if the urge is really strong) Resort to an emergency activity such as sports, anti-sexual activities, other hobbies.

Usually steps 1 to 5 help for me. But when the urge is realy physical or if i am tired/not concentrated i sometimes am not capable of doing 1 to 5, so I immediately go to 6. That helps to cool me down and do steps 1 - 5




« Last Edit: April 23, 2020, 05:36:39 AM by ShadeTrenicin »
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UKGuy

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #71 on: April 23, 2020, 04:43:58 AM »
I like the way you have distilled the content of Traveler32's wisdom shade. I agree - it's a very simple and logical process. I have saved a copy of it on my phone for emergencies! Great to hear that you've got a new hobby. Boredom is such a powerful trigger for me, it's great to have things to throw yourself in to that are also relaxing at the same time. I'm not very musical - I do enjoy listening though and find that can really help my mood.

Good luck on observing those TEMPORARY urges and letting them drift away as you add another day to your success! 

Have a good day.
« Last Edit: April 23, 2020, 10:34:57 AM by UKGuy »

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #72 on: April 26, 2020, 01:56:20 AM »
So yesterday has been an amazingly productive day. I've re-noticed that when I'm not sitting behind my desk with a laptop with a webcam i have zero urges. Maybe a quick thought here or there, but nothing serious. The main trigger still is (and I think always will be) is for me to be alone sitting behind a computer.

Luckily my wife, who is recovering, will join me in our attic-office for a couple of hours every day to try and pick up working again. That would be great trigger remover and will automatically make it easier for me. But, the trick in the end of course is to have the trigger decrease! But that is just part of rebooting i guess. I've had a routine of 18 years of making sure i was alone, sit behind the computer and do my thing. So, that's half my life being conditioned.

Today (and tomorrow also, since it's a national holiday) will also be me doing some work around the house. I've started on finishing some details on the first floor of our house and, due to the nice weather, i've also started on rebuilding the roofterrace on the annex of our house. This kind of work is really satisfying and rewarding and it really is great for my self worth and general mood.

I will keep this up the coming two days

Cheers guys
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UKGuy

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #73 on: April 26, 2020, 04:44:27 AM »
Hey Shade - well done, that's great progress. It's funny - I always used to hide myself away with the laptop/phone and PMO, now I hide myself away and come on here (much better use of time!). Has your wife been ill? Glad to hear she is getting better. Good luck with the roof terrace. Take care.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #74 on: April 26, 2020, 02:52:35 PM »
Hey UKGuy,

Yes, my wife is recovering (or still sick) from COVID sadly. Luckily she wasn't hospitalized. But its been three full weeks now.
I've spend around 7 hours building the roof terrace and holy sh*t do i feel satisfied.

With myself, with the result.

I am amazed what I can accomplish if i put my mind on something and not waste all that energy on PMO. This does lead me to look back with a feeling of guilt and regret. Imagine all the things that I could have accomplished.. They say it takes 10000 hours to master something.. I guess I am a master at looking at Porn, but damn.. If you think about it that way.

It's funny. I've always looked up to people that had it all 'going on' like working, fix up a house, doing hobbies, having a very active social life..
And I always sort of known that i was wasting away my hours on PMO. But now, when actually not PMO-ing this hits me in the face like a train.
But, I'll make it a motivational train, since the realization of what i'm capable of also motivates me. s

And also, I've never been one to look back with regret. What's done is done, you can't undo the things that have transpired. The only thing is how to deal with the lessons we learn from past actions.

In the past I didnt learn. Always fell for the same trap (that's addiction for ya). But that is now changing.

I'm starting to feel like a new man again. My confidence is slowly growing



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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority