Author Topic: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery  (Read 3899 times)

ShadeTrenicin

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I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« on: December 23, 2019, 04:39:17 AM »
Hi everybody,

This is my first post as part of a journal I want to keep here.
I'm a Dutch guy, in his mid-thirties and I am addicted to porn, specifically webcamporn.

Last week I finally told my wife, who thought I've stopped doing it since 8 years ago. But in truth I was addicted. It took me a long time to accept this part of myself, but now that I have accepted it, all the symptoms are recognizable to me. The tricky thing is that I've had this addiction for almost 18 years. I've had internet(and so porn) access since I was around 13, but, when I was around 17/18 I discovered Webcam sex through MSN (ohh the good old days). Which was wat really hooked me.

It became an obsession. It was easy for me. I had a lot of insecurities from when I was young and bullied, so a low self esteem was easy pickings for the Webcam sex addiction. It felt good to get my confidence boosted through meaningless Webcam sex. So I became a hunter; multiple accounts, adding girls by the masses, from chat boxes or wherever. And meanwhile I had gotten an actual girlfriend. But because of all the hunting the actual goal of sex (meaningful and mutual connection and satisfaction) was lost to me. I was disconnected, did not give her the attention that she needed, did not put any effort in wooing her. I was approaching it as I was approaching me hunt; without emotion, running on auto pilot, completely lost to what it actually means to have sex. With the webcamsex I could just do my thing and then stop the conversation. I had gotten my boost (at that point it wasn’t even the boost in confidence anymore, but a compulsory need to finish a hunt).

But then it all came out, my wife, then still girlfriend, found out and we had huge fights about it. And god she was so forgiving. But me, stupid me, so disconnected from my emotions, stuffed al my insecurities away so deep that I couldn’t really let her in with the effect that I continued my addiction… So the years passed, MSN changed to chatrooms, streaming sites, and now random chat sites.. The hunt wasn’t enough anymore, I started watching porn in parallel to hunting on those random webcam chat sites.. And in between I still did not have a connection with my wife, the sex went terrible because I didn’t open myself, but she kept trying and trying and fighting and fighting.

So I could go on like this for PAGES, of me lying to cover up my addiction (which I only started acklowleging as an addiction since 1 week ago), my wife fighting like crazy for our marriage and me not letting her in.

The bottom line is; I am an addict.  I fap on the toilet at work, I leave bed at night to fap, and the need for more extreme porn has also gotten me to the point that it disgusted me. (I think I can consider myself lucky that I didn’t develop PIED). I kept it hidden for 8 years from my wife. I did not put in any effort to improve things in our sex life to the point that we stopped having sex. I wrecked my marriage.

And despite of all that, she forgave me. She actually forgave me. I have no idea why or how, but she is so full of love and understanding to a point that I think that I don’t deserve her, and that there are plenty of other men out there who will give her the attention and effort. But, she still choses to be with me (although I shouldn’t push it further of course).

And although she is so forgiving and full of love, I broke her, I wrecked her completely, worn her down to the point of having no more desire to live..  And that is unforgivable to me..

That’s why ( a little late, I know) im writing this right now on this forum; NO MORE! I stopped watchin porn about 10 days ago and stopped fapping 9 days ago. I’ve deleted all useless apps from my phone (9gag, snapchat, everything that wastes time) and I’ve installed a good blocker. I started reading on here, bought the book Your brain on porn and watched some youtube videos about porn addiction.

So the beginning is here.

What I want to focus on now is to keep rebooting. I also want to learn to love myself (because that’s what made me love the attention of webcamsex, the confirmation of me being worth it). Not loving myself also made me believe that I am not worthy of love, which in its own turn made me close my heart to my wife and thus preventing me from growing emotionally. Now I want to connect to my wife again, let her in, truly appreciate her for the beautiful person she is and also have an eye for her needs and emotions and eventually give her the attention and affection she needs so that I can please her again.

Thank you guys for reading, I will try to keep a nice progress report every once in a while and be involde in the forum, reading your stories, tips tricks and success stories.
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ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2019, 02:59:50 PM »
Update, up until I wrote my introductionary post I had yet to have a withdrawal symptomn. But today on the train back from work I experienced the first cravings to look at porn. The funny thing is that the trigger cam from reading in the book your brain on porn  :o

Anyway, I managed to control it and discussed it with my wife.

I am really curious how my desires / urges will out themselves.
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JordanJCaron

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #2 on: December 26, 2019, 03:53:51 PM »
Great for you for control it! Your story resonates with me as we're close to same age.

Although it had come out in my relationship that I watched porn, I still felt shame from it and lied about the fact that after sex I would watch a quick clip of porn to finish myself off. It wasn't until we had serious problems that we both knew this was a porn addiction. Like your partner mine was so supportive and forgiving. I didn't realize how hard it would be to overcome as in any addiction and I didn't make the changes  while we were together and just now it's all sunk in and I am making the changes to overcome it.

I look forward to following you and your journey!

stepbystep

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #3 on: December 27, 2019, 12:08:47 AM »
Good job on being accountable. You did the hardest thing, which is to be honest and tell someone about it. Hang in there and keep strong!
Trying to quit since 2004. In recovery since December 2011. Mostly porn-free since August 2012. Completely porn-free since February 2, 2020.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #4 on: December 27, 2019, 06:44:14 AM »
Thank you both for the encouragement, it means a lot.

So far, no flatline (yet) but since me and the wive don't have sex at the moment I tend to be really, really exited. A lot. I do feel the change;my fantasies are changing from jst wanting to bend someone over a chair to wanting to do the foreplay, the bonding, connecting. And funnily enough my wife is now the center of my (uncontrollable) fantasies.

Of course I do also feel the withdrawal symptoms. Urges to grab my phone, flee to the shower and look up that which disgusts me(the P I used to watch but is not my sexual preference) .. So I just leavey phone with my wife when I shower.

So far it is battling urges mostly, but I'm going on strong. This is day 13!!!
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Wolfman

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #5 on: December 28, 2019, 09:07:45 AM »
Awesome work ShadeTrenicin! It's great you've taken the step to write a journal and educate yourself about this stuff: you become the master of your sexuality, not it of you! Communicating with your wife is very important, I think. You may want to set yourself some specific goals to help yourself along. What do you want to ultimately achieve? How will you get there? Will you do a set amount of days reboot? A reboot hard-mode (meaning no sex in addition to no PMO)? Think about what would work best for you according to the ultimate goal. I wish you plenty of strength on this journey.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #6 on: December 29, 2019, 04:38:19 AM »
Well, this is just a post to quench the urges.

I woke up after a really weird erotic dream. I noticed that I sort of fantasized a downplayed scenario of my addiction that slowly crept towards the thing I did.. VERY SNEAKY! So then I just started playing a stupid game.. But the urges were still there... Since were both in bed I hugged my wife in an effort to seekove and distraction. But it does not help that if you are super horny that you hug your wife so I only became more horny..

So now a post which I feel is a good relief from the urges

Thanks for the support Wolfman,


There is a plan actually. I've set my no fap no porn period to the first of February. The wife and I have put a stopper on sex for the moment since that didn't went well because of my addiction.

Day 15 and keeping strong.
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ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #7 on: December 29, 2019, 07:20:09 AM »
Addition to day 15. Just had a lengthy talk wit my wife who is now in the phase of taking the situation and putting it on herself.

Over the past years my porn conditioning made me say some pretty dumb and untrue things about her appearance because of the issues that I had with myself. I was just projecting my inner struggles and issues. In stead of looking inwards to what moved me and what I really felt, I chose to hide that. That lead to me projecting my moods on others. Just because I was not content with myself I let others feel that I was not content with them. And in doing so hurting the person I love most in all the world, my beautiful wife.

I'm glad that we talked about it because next to my personal struggle with the addiction my wife has had an enormous blow to her trust, ego and self image (not being good enough) and she has her own really difficult progress ahead of her in terms of forgiving me, working through the pain of rejection and all the influence the addiction has had on Our sex life.
.
« Last Edit: December 29, 2019, 11:20:24 AM by ShadeTrenicin »
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jcwright

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #8 on: December 30, 2019, 07:41:45 AM »
Keep it up. It's worth it. Amazing benefits. Trust me. You are on the right track.
Another thing: You have an amazing wife. Most women would walk away

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #9 on: December 30, 2019, 08:53:35 AM »
Thank you j Wright! For the encouragement and the credit to my wife. She truly is amazing indeed.

So today I started doing push-ups whenever I'm urging.

Did also pee out a kidney stone which did put the mood down for quite some time  ;D
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ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #10 on: January 01, 2020, 04:37:44 AM »
Day 18 = day 0.

Woke up after an almost wet dream and couldn't ld resist. No P, only fantasy.

I felt bad, but not to bad. I'll just start over.
« Last Edit: January 01, 2020, 06:07:50 AM by ShadeTrenicin »
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JordanJCaron

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #11 on: January 01, 2020, 04:51:55 PM »
Addition to day 15. Just had a lengthy talk wit my wife who is now in the phase of taking the situation and putting it on herself.

Over the past years my porn conditioning made me say some pretty dumb and untrue things about her appearance because of the issues that I had with myself. I was just projecting my inner struggles and issues. In stead of looking inwards to what moved me and what I really felt, I chose to hide that. That lead to me projecting my moods on others. Just because I was not content with myself I let others feel that I was not content with them. And in doing so hurting the person I love most in all the world, my beautiful wife.

I'm glad that we talked about it because next to my personal struggle with the addiction my wife has had an enormous blow to her trust, ego and self image (not being good enough) and she has her own really difficult progress ahead of her in terms of forgiving me, working through the pain of rejection and all the influence the addiction has had on Our sex life.
.

Wow this rings so true with things I had said to my ex. We've chatted a little bit about this as I have been telling her what I am doing to get over this. You have to forgive yourself and she has to forgive you which is hard. Being honest and continuing to have conversations is a great way. Hope you can rebuild that trust and connection so that you have a great sex life with her!

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #12 on: January 03, 2020, 07:19:05 AM »
Day 20 no porn = day 2 no fap

Due to my M two days ago I notice that a lot of urge is gone. I feel good about my self though. Less flashes to P. I'm confident to keep going. I have a strong tendency to work through things with my wife. I want to leave this part of me behind.
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ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #13 on: January 06, 2020, 09:54:58 AM »
Day 23 no porn, day 5 no fap.

I had a small victory today. While at work I noticed a trigger, but when I thought about PMO-ing I felt like I didn't need it. The actual thought of me pursuing my usual rhythm(which used to be a huge trigger for me) actually got overtaken by the thought that I don't need it.


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ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #14 on: January 09, 2020, 11:32:50 AM »
Day 26 no P, day 8 no fap.

I'm noticing emotional flatness, irritability and self centeredness..  I have no idea if this is due to rebooting or trying Ritalin after I've stopped for a couple of weeks.

Had a huge fight with the wife about it. What I did notice is that normally my emotions or feelings of fucking it up would trigger an even more self centered response; namely Porn. But now I noticed that I wanted to improve myself to be of benefit to the relationship.

There are of course still urges, but so far I have kept them under control with the use of push-ups and cold showers.

Will try to be more active on the forum
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #15 on: January 09, 2020, 12:01:56 PM »
Addition to day 15. Just had a lengthy talk wit my wife who is now in the phase of taking the situation and putting it on herself.

Over the past years my porn conditioning made me say some pretty dumb and untrue things about her appearance because of the issues that I had with myself. I was just projecting my inner struggles and issues. In stead of looking inwards to what moved me and what I really felt, I chose to hide that. That lead to me projecting my moods on others. Just because I was not content with myself I let others feel that I was not content with them. And in doing so hurting the person I love most in all the world,
Quote

Wow this rings so true with things I had said to my ex. We've chatted a little bit about this as I have been telling her what I am doing to get over this. You have to forgive yourself and she has to forgive you which is hard. Being honest and continuing to have conversations is a great way. Hope you can rebuild that trust and connection so that you have a great sex life with her!

Thanks man, appreciate the support
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

Freddy

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #16 on: January 09, 2020, 01:38:42 PM »
Day 26 no P, day 8 no fap.

I'm noticing emotional flatness, irritability and self centeredness..  I have no idea if this is due to rebooting or trying Ritalin after I've stopped for a couple of weeks.

Had a huge fight with the wife about it. What I did notice is that normally my emotions or feelings of fucking it up would trigger an even more self centered response; namely Porn. But now I noticed that I wanted to improve myself to be of benefit to the relationship.

There are of course still urges, but so far I have kept them under control with the use of push-ups and cold showers.

Will try to be more active on the forum

Great progress, just remember what is important and what is waiting on "the other side".

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #17 on: January 10, 2020, 01:27:42 PM »
Day 26 no P, day 8 no fap.

I'm noticing emotional flatness, irritability and self centeredness..  I have no idea if this is due to rebooting or trying Ritalin after I've stopped for a couple of weeks.

Had a huge fight with the wife about it. What I did notice is that normally my emotions or feelings of fucking it up would trigger an even more self centered response; namely Porn. But now I noticed that I wanted to improve myself to be of benefit to the relationship.

There are of course still urges, but so far I have kept them under control with the use of push-ups and cold showers.

Will try to be more active on the forum

Great progress, just remember what is important and what is waiting on "the other side".

Thanks Freddy..


Today is the first day i had to actively stop myself from PMO-ing. The wife is out to dinner with some friends and I am home alone. This was my walhalla for PMO-ing. All the time for myself, no-one to disturb me. I had about a hundreg triggers and I was actually already all settled in to commit the act. But when i opened the incognite mode I loudly said to myself; 'What the actual f*cking fuck' am i doing????????'

So i quickly closed the window and started cooking. Dinner is now on the stove and i am horny as HELL! but i will quietly eat my dinner, do a lot of pushups and some other non computer related activities

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Orbiter

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #18 on: January 10, 2020, 05:25:35 PM »
Great job Shade! You've got a lot of strength to resist in a situation like that. Each time you do, those pathways in the brain will become gradually weaker and weaker so keep it up.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #19 on: January 11, 2020, 04:28:22 AM »
Thanks Orbiter, I actually managed to not PMO all evening.
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ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #20 on: January 11, 2020, 01:39:16 PM »
I am so cranky right now.. Everything has to hear my cranky opinion. The furniture, the cats, everything is stupid. Except my wife. She is awesome, always! Therefore i'm trying not to piss her off. I've succeeded so far.

Other than me not PMO-ing I've just realised that I've been quiting a lot of things at once; porn, masturbation, coffee, Ritalin, and i've gone vegan.

So that's why I've decided to stick to the things that really matter to me so coffee is reintroduced again  8) I'll re-evaluate that in a couple of months.

So far the counter is at:
28 days no porn (4 whole weeks YES!)
10 days no fap
4 weeks no ritalin
8 days vegan...

For this forum i'll just focus on the PMO ;D

in total, i've jst finished the book Your brain on porn for the first time and i've been reading, and sometimes commenting, on the forum a lot. Both have really helped me thusfar in my quest for no PMO. So just a thank you guys!!!!!

I'm very positive to keep going, and writing this post has actually made the cranky-ness go away!
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ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #21 on: January 17, 2020, 11:00:08 AM »
Day 34 no P, 16 no fap.

Going strong. Urges are there but in control. Need to post more and comment more. The commitment and engagement really helps
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ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #22 on: January 20, 2020, 12:14:33 PM »
Day 37 no porn, day 19 no fap.
Ohhh the urges are back again. And they play mind tricks. I'm triggered very quickly today. Luckily I'm in the train now and the wife is waiting at home. I've got a couple of busy days ahead of me, so that is great. At home I'll do some pushups and plank exercises. (doing them in the train seems a bit 2 much  :o)
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ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #23 on: January 21, 2020, 03:27:01 AM »
So day 38 no porn.. Day 0 no fap..

I had a wet dream last night... and this morning while I was home alone for a brief moment, I flapped again.. No porn just fantasy.... But fuck, why is it so difficult to control myself... You say that you don't want it, but your mind plays tricks on you..
I'm actually kinda bummed out by this...


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Orbiter

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #24 on: January 21, 2020, 07:05:16 AM »
Try not to get too down on yourself. Those negative thought patterns lead right to relapse and 38 days no porn is nothing to feel down about or be dissapointed with. Let it be for today, wake up rested tomorrow and get things back on track then.

You've got this man.