Author Topic: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery  (Read 17559 times)

stepbystep

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #300 on: September 06, 2020, 01:00:29 PM »
other than that nothing to report for now. Still no access to P but i do think about it and I do notice that my mind sometimes tries to think of ways to circumvent my blocks.

Keep up the great work! One thing that I helps me is that it's okay to get temptations and have thoughts, but not to act on them. Slowly the thoughts reduce with time.
In recovery since December 2012. Porn-free since October 2020.

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #301 on: September 06, 2020, 03:54:03 PM »
Quote
I've also noticed that when i'm horny i find it hard to control myself in my approach towards the Mrs.
I know that feeling. In the beginning i touched her all the time, not in a sexual way. Soon i realised that this won't work for long, so i reduced it and started with compliments about her and how beautiful she is for me. This gave us some happy moments at times. Maybe it's worth trying.

For every other reader: That's why i don't like to tell the partner everything about the reboot, because the partner then is compromised when things change. They eventualy start to ask themselfs 'is this because of PMO?' when it's in general a good thing. Just my way of dealing with it.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #302 on: September 09, 2020, 05:33:42 AM »
Hey Imsorry, thanks for the tip.

With regards to what I should tell her and not; my wife is a psychologist so maybe she is much better to understand and seperate certain aspects of the addiction. She's been a great help to me and also very supportive.

The whole approach thing has been something that i've struggled with our entire relationship. I want to change it, but when the moods there I have a lot of  trouble with controlling myself
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #303 on: September 09, 2020, 03:26:12 PM »
Wise it would be to treat those impulses where you can't control yourself also with 6PP. Let it exist, nake yourself aware that it's you wanting something, but only the Mrs can give you. You can control this and find your freedom with it, because these urges will decrease with months of sobriety.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #304 on: September 16, 2020, 02:12:18 PM »
Day 27, and i'm still doing well....

Not really been in a forum mood lately as I have been busy with other things. Porn block has been doing it's work and althoug I sometimes am tempted to bypass them I have not yet done this. I did MO a couple of times just to manage the physical desire aspect but luckily the chaser effect has not really bugged me a lot.

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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

UKGuy

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #305 on: September 16, 2020, 03:10:56 PM »
Great news Shade!! Well done my friend - I am really pleased for you and Mrs T. It seems as if you are building some good momentum!

Joel

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #306 on: September 22, 2020, 06:00:37 AM »
Sounds great, Shade. Hope all's still going well.

Chris1986

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #307 on: September 25, 2020, 11:34:41 AM »
I have read through your journal now and I applaud your conviction to beating this. I have faith that you will.

I hope that you are well and enjoying life.

EarthWalker

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #308 on: September 26, 2020, 04:09:10 AM »
+1. Hope all's still going well.

EW
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Orbiter

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #309 on: September 27, 2020, 08:56:26 PM »
As everyone else said. Hope life + rebooting has been going well lately and you're continuing to make meaningful, fulfilling progress in your journey.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #310 on: October 01, 2020, 03:02:05 PM »
Hey Guys, thanks for all the great messages. I've not been quite as active as I've used to because I felt like I needed a break from the forum. Not from you guys, but the forum in general. Therefore it warms my heart that you are rooting for me :)

Everything is going really well for me at the moment and I do plan to be more active in the coming time. In the meantime I will keep on reading here and follow you guys and occasionally post when I see fit.

Thanks guys,
--------
Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #311 on: October 01, 2020, 03:29:11 PM »
That's nice to hear. Everything that helps you is just fine and the right thing to do.

EarthWalker

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #312 on: October 02, 2020, 03:48:40 AM »
This is good! I am very happy for you. Fwiw: You don't owe us anything.

EW
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=18519.0
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“It's a luxury to pursue what makes you happy; it's a moral obligation to pursue what you find meaningful.”
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ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #313 on: October 21, 2020, 03:01:33 AM »
Hey Guys,

How are things going over here? I've been away for a small 3 weeks and to my great pleasure I see a lot of new posters on here.

How's it going with me. Well today is day 1. I've been away from the forum for a while and i've been doing really good for a while. The reason i went away from the forum is that i've sort of needed a break from it because I was not using it the right way for me. But being away has also taught me that I do need it in my life at this present moment. It helps me stay accountable and also to out my feelings which helps me think...

So i've had a good run actually, my longest one yet and i want to get back on the horse again. Somehow this relapse has not really put me off and i've come to terms with it quite easily. This can also be a pitfall and introduction into other relapses. But on the other side, this relapse has not induced any guilt or other negative feeling other than it bums me out that i've broken the streak.. So writing this I have to say it does induce a negative feeling because I want to be 'better'. Anyway, yesterdays relapse made me realize that the forum gives me a strenght to keep going, just that extra edge.

So expect to see more of me :)

Take care guys

--------
Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

EarthWalker

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #314 on: October 21, 2020, 04:06:20 AM »
Hi, Shade.

Quote
other than it bums me out that i've broken the streak.

Don't lie to yourself that this is fine. If breaking the streak is the only thing that bothers you. In my view that is not sufficient reason to break the cycle. You will be just repeating the cycle. We are here to break the cycle.

At 21 days you were over the big hump in 10-15 day area. Why relapse at all? Why not keep it going?

EW
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=18519.0
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“It's a luxury to pursue what makes you happy; it's a moral obligation to pursue what you find meaningful.”
Reboot Timeline Workbook | https://docdro.id/pB7oOsI (A4) | https://docdro.id/upFn48Z (US)

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #315 on: October 21, 2020, 09:05:23 AM »
At 21 days you were over the big hump in 10-15 day area. Why relapse at all? Why not keep it going?
If were that easy it wouldnt be called an addiction now, would it? ;) Your message comes across as if it's all roses and sunshine after 10-15 days..

Also, what I wrote was;
But on the other side, this relapse has not induced any guilt or other negative feeling other than it bums me out that i've broken the streak.. So writing this I have to say it does induce a negative feeling because I want to be 'better'.
meaning that it did in fact leave a negative feeling.

Also, you write about a 'sufficient reason' to break the cycle, as if it is a consious choise while it is in fact a whole accumulation of small otherwise almost insignificant choises, situations and emotions. What we do and how we respond during those situations is what determines whether or not we ultimately relapse.

Sorry for calling you out like this. While i really appreciate your imput I do feel like your message needs nuance.

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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

EarthWalker

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #316 on: October 21, 2020, 01:20:05 PM »
I score low on agreeableness. So nuance is not my strong point. At the risk of offending you... here goes:

Quote
So writing this I have to say it does induce a negative feeling because I want to be 'better'.

This comes across to me as vague and half assed.

It pains me to see you relapse. Again after 3-4 weeks. Maybe I am getting a bit fed up of seeing most of us just loop in streaks. X days then relapse again. With a few unicorns with 150+ days here and there.

Quote
Anyway, yesterdays relapse made me realize that the forum gives me a strenght to keep going, just that extra edge.

You need to quit P because of you and you alone. Not because of your wife, some forum or some vague idea of being better.

Strength comes within. Maybe instead of "better" try "becoming authentic real self". The real you. Each of us has that innate sense of what is the authentic self. Connect with it. Is P part of your real identity or is this some sort of artificial overlay?

Wish to see you break the cycle. End this fake life.

Quote
as if it is a consious choise while it is in fact a whole accumulation of small otherwise almost insignificant choises, situations and emotions

I don't agree with this. Look up Edith Eger also came across this YT channel Invisible People good stuff.

Keep on posting. Looking forward to see you let go of P.

Just thought of this

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gambler%27s_fallacy

Perhaps we should view P thoughts in isolation? Not allow them to connect with anything. Just like a coin flip. We can view it as a single independent event or we can look at it as a series of past and future coin flips.

Edit: Maybe next time try MO to sensation only or just MO to fantasy. But keep away from external P. You got this.

EW
« Last Edit: October 22, 2020, 03:01:32 AM by EarthWalker »
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=18519.0
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“It's a luxury to pursue what makes you happy; it's a moral obligation to pursue what you find meaningful.”
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ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #317 on: October 22, 2020, 03:02:41 AM »
Dear EW,

Thanks for being so spirited and that you are so passionate about not wanting me to relapse. Despite the fact that i do not agree with your post i am really thankful for your input.
There are many roads to a goal and from my point of view we walk a different road and that is perfectly fine.

So let's leave this discussion for what it is and put our focus back on rebooting!


Take care
--------
Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #318 on: October 22, 2020, 08:24:20 AM »
So day 2, It's been a while since last run I was > 45 days I think. So let's reset everything and pretend I'm a newbie at this again.

Complacency has played a part in recent relapse I guess. I wrote that I needed the forum as a sort of extra. I still think that this is the case, however not being on the forum is also a sign of me not giving the addiction the much needed attention it requires. It's a chicken-egg paradox. But it's safe to say that the forum is a much needed tool in my current state of recovery. While i've been away i've not been at it alone. I've had contact with another member of this forum via other means of communication. This has helped a great deal in terms of accountability and discussion. I am deeply thankful for his time and energy.

What i've learned about myself is that my latest relapse did not have the negative impact i've expected it to have. I've been able to really accept it, rationalize it and forgive myself. This is really great, but also a really really really big pitfall; normalizing a relapse. This can be a huge gateway into relapsing more. The biggest challenge I am facing now is how to keep myself alert and active without a enforcing a negative enforcing like beating myself up or something like that. I think that self love and self forgiveness are key in dealing with any addiction. But how do you keep yourself constantly alert without being punishing?

I think this is the point that EarthWalker was trying to make in one of his previous posts in this thread and something that i've told other members on here as well; beating the addiction should be done for purely selfish reasons. 100%. Not for your partner, your family, but yourself.. To me this is where the self-love comes back into play again. If you really love yourself you will automatically find a way to keep off the addiction. It's the same when you choose an unhealthy dinner option in stead of a healthy one. When you choose to drink more than is good for you and feel the effects the next day. You know that these choises are not good for you on the longer term, but it's that short moment of instant substitute gratification.

I would dare to put it like this; If a person was fully content with himself and his current situation he would not feel the need for things that will have a negative impact on his well being.
If we over indulge in alcohol, drugs, food or porn, there is something within us that makes us unhappy. We use said things to compensate that feeling. And normally we know that it's not good for us and we pick ourselves up and limit that behaviour, but sometimes it will form into an addiction.

For me i've found out a little bit more about this. In talking with my wife and our therapist we've came to the conclusion that i've never experienced sex on an emotional level. I've developed this addiction before I've met my wife and my idea of sex was formed behind a webcam focused on the interaction I had with the girls on the other side. But it never was emotional. This has lead to me being distant in bed, not really wanting to be touched, closed for any pointers etc.  What i have been missing out on all these years was true intimacy with the person I love. It has developed to a point that I now have fear related feelings regarding to sex. Everything is new and opening up and being vulnerable scares me. This has been the reason why i've never intiated sex, listened to what she really wants or to enjoy sex as something fun.

That is the current situation for me; I am afraid of true intimacy but also really craving it. I am yearning for it. This is the part inside of me that is missing. This is the part that I'm trying to replace with porn.
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

Orbiter

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #319 on: October 22, 2020, 06:00:42 PM »
Hi Shade

The intimacy point is very relatable. PMO and intimacy with a PMO mindset over time distances us from being 'in the moment' and making that emotional connection with another person. Emotional & sexual voyeurism. The barrier becomes such a second nature over time that it doesn't feel like it's there until you're in the moment and unable to connect or, worse still, unable to perform.

We talk about rebooting, PIED and rewiring in a very clinical matter but I think there's a subconscious, emotional element to all of this too. This process can give us an element of tunnel vision where we fixate on the reboot itself or fixate on intimacy when we should be going deeper to the source and working on breaking down those internal barriers and emotional disconnect. I think of my own struggles & lack of progress with this over the years and it does come to slipping into this narrow train of thought to some extent. I believe focusing on other areas of life or the self is a big part of the solution but going long enough to make a difference without slipping back into the same old cycles or thought patterns is tough. Still we must keep moving, pushing forward yes?

All that aside, your honesty & positivity shown in bouncing back from this is inspiring. I feel how we bounce back from a relapse can build confidence or can shatter it and this is important. Great going Shade!