Author Topic: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery  (Read 17345 times)

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #225 on: July 11, 2020, 04:59:31 AM »
Have no fear, ShadeTrenicin is here! Yes, i've been away for a couple of day. I just couldn't be arsed to be honest. There was a lot going on and I did not have any energy to go onto the forum. So let's start of with a status report.

Today is day 14. But, three days ago while not being able to sleep at 5:30 i did look at some P.. i closed it... and 30 minutes later to help me to try and sleep and MO, but without P and more importantly just on normal fantasy. I've also done a MO on day 10 in the shower.. Thusfar, luckily not much of a chaser effect. But i do notice the change in my brain due to the release and the fact that I've watched P. Especially the P watchin is something i've noticed. Afterwards i am more down and irritated and have a shorter fuse so to say.. It's like i've been teasing my brain with it but not letting it indulge. My brain apparently responds by giving me a fuck all attitude.

Last night i'finally gotten a good nights sleep which is the first time in about 7 days i'dd say. Somehow I'dd continuously wake up the moment i fall asleep, something to do with the backfire from COVID. I've been tiptoeing around it, but I have to admit that I must've had it because at some days a short walk to the supermarket will leave me dead tired for 2 days after. Coming monday i'm getting the blood test to check if i have the antibodies.
This continuous lack of sleep was a huge challenge to me for not relapsing and for me the thing to accept is that I am suffering for COVID after effects, just like my wife. But luckily not as bad.

Another point of stress is that a couple of days ago in the shower, I've noticed a lump near my balls. It freaked me out, a lot and luckily i was able to have a doctors appointment the next day. The doctors checkup was fine, a little more intimate than i'dd envisioned lol, and the doctor told me he did not see any reason to panic and that the lump felt normal. But to be sure, i'm getting an echo. So, within a weeks time i'll have 2 strangers fondling my junk.. not the kind of intimacy i was hoping for lol.

About the whole MO thing with the Wife thing Sanders and UKGuy. Thanks for the ideas of those and also at mindful wanking (that has got to be the best title for a book ever indeed!). The wife and I are very open about our masturbatory behaviour towards each other and there is no shame, guilt or reason to hide it. However, due to her being sick this is not the moment for me to do it while near her or watching her. It's something that we sometimes did, or even do it together. But not now.

The mindful wanking is actually something that i've been thinking about since i used to handle myself with quite a firm grip which i do not see as positive. So being more focused on the sensations rather than focus on the objective is always a great idea. Especially in sex.Whenever i do MO i try to do it mindful and not forceful.

All in all, despite circumstances i'm doing better than expected. I've picked up the mindfulness exercises again and they help in being more aware of what's really going on. I'm not at the place I want to be yet but im working on it.


Thanks for reading my friends!






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UKGuy

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #226 on: July 11, 2020, 05:08:06 AM »
I was writing this at exactly the same time you were writing you last post Shade (I got a warning when I want to press 'POST'), but I thought I'd post it anyway. Glad to hear things are going well.:

Hi Shade, I noticed that in your selflessness, you had written on others journals, but not updated your own. How are you, how is work? I also saw the post that your wife had made from early May, and found it very insightful. She seems to be a very good person, and I think you are both fortunate to have each other. I didn't want to reply to her directly (also, I noticed her post it was on your account anyway), but had a recommendation regarding her physical pain. I went through a part in my life 10 years ago, which I won't bore you all with here, but basically I was left with chronic pain following an operation - it got very out of control and I ended up with a period of depression which lasted for c 4years. Fortunately I am completely fine now, but it took my a long time to overcome it. Central to the depression was my battle with the pain. One of the resources that I found extremely useful was called 'Breathworks', and is run by a lady called Vidyamala Burch. You will find it on Google very easily. Her book 'Living Well with Pain and Wellness' is meditation based and is excellent. It just might be useful. Please also tell your wife that her English is fantastic (she indicated in her post that she was not native English). I have worked with lots of Dutch guys in the past, and whilst I know that levels of English literacy in NL are high none of my friends/colleagues are anyway near as good as you two - I bet many guys on here don't even know you're Dutch! Anyway - I digress. Let us all know how you are and goede dag to you both!

Orbiter

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #227 on: July 12, 2020, 12:23:15 AM »
Hey Shade,

Sorry to hear of the continuing health troubles and difficulties with P. I may be wrong but could the 'fuck all attitude' be somewhat of a defense mechanism for feelings of defeat & dissappointment? It's natural to feel that way of course when stumbling from such exhaustion but it can also serve as justification to have another look so I hope you tread with caution over the next few days.

Lack of sleep is a huge trigger for me, I can relate as i've lived a life filled with many nights of 4-0 sleeps (periodic insomnia since childhood :/ ). May I ask what you're using to look at P during those hours? Do you get up and go to the computer? Is there a phone in the bedroom. I've noticed quite a few of your recent relapses seem to be at these hours in this particular situation. Is there a strategy perhaps you could use to deal with this particular problem? Maybe something to think about.

Mindful wanking sounds good on paper...do you reckon it may be a trigger though? I was trying it a bit earlier this year myself but I always wound up relapsing shortly after. It could possibly be an option after a certain (long) period of being completely clean, maybe.

Either way, it is good to see you post again on the forums. Your support & insight are as always, invaluable and greatly appreciated by all of us.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #228 on: July 12, 2020, 05:02:39 AM »
Orbiter, you are absolutely right. The fuck all mechanism is a defense mechanism and will eventually lead as a justification for relapsing or taking a peak. That's why such an attitude is dangerous.
I will take your advice into account and be extra weary. I already noticed it this morning. A mild chaser effect combined with a form of justification.. It is as we all know; a quick peak a couple of days ago will almost 100% build up to very specific urges and now in my case with thoughts of justification.

At night i use my cellphone to look at P, I hadn't left the bed (yet). This is a trap for me, and it's something i struggle with every day. Sometimes I manage by not putting my phone in the bedroom. But after a while it will creep back in. While I was typing this I discussed this with the Mrs. and I asked her to help me enforce the no phone rule in the bedroom. Let's put words into action so to speak!

Once again you are also right on the mindful wanking ( i can't get over the title  ;D ) it will still pose as a trigger in the form of chaser effect. But I also notice that i do need release every once in a while since the wife is incapacitated. The trick here will be to find a proper balance.. I might try every 2 weeks or so, to see how that works out. This is because i've noticed that after two weeks i become seriously wound up. I will have to see how this goes along the way.

UKguy, I've already send you a private message, but once again thanks for the kind words and the recommendation! We've ordered the book you suggested as well as another book you've recommended on here; Rewire: change your brain by Richard O' Connor. So thanks for sharing that part of your life and the recommendation, it sounded like you had quite a rough period in your life there. Are you now free of pain?

So today is day 15 already! ( Go me! ) and today I am feeling quite well. We arose at the very decent hour of 09:00 (am for the non 24 hour users) and we had breakfast on the 99% finished roof terrace in the sun. I did some finances, we cleaned some ( the part that the cleaning lady does not do) and now we are both doing things that are good for or mental health or personal development.  Later today we will go to the gardening center to finalize the roof terrace with some plants and flowers.

Enjoy the last day of your weekend guys!
« Last Edit: July 12, 2020, 05:17:07 AM by ShadeTrenicin »
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Orbiter

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #229 on: July 13, 2020, 01:36:25 AM »
Congratulations on the 15 day mark. Sounds like it was a nice, productive, wholesome day spent with Mrs T which is just the sort of thing being in the depths of this addiction can rob us of. Go Shade!

Good on you for identifying the cellphone issue. I almost never bring mine into my room anymore except when i'm making a call (sharing a small apartment with another person during lockdown will do that) and I can't state how much of a difference this has made. I have a cheap digital alarm clock I use for my alarmsand the charger never moves from the living room. Of course, your situation is unique to you and the best strategy for you will be one of your own but even identifying it and writing about it is in itself a huge step yes?

Regarding the 'mindful wanking', if you feel you can manage the chaser then by all means do what you've got to. I am in some respects in a good position in that I do not have a wife or girlfriend to trigger those urges throughout the week. Though there were other issues there, I do remember struggling with this a lot more when I was in a relationship.

Wishing you & Mrs T good health and a positive, productive week ahead!

UKGuy

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #230 on: July 13, 2020, 03:59:02 AM »
UKguy, I've already send you a private message, but once again thanks for the kind words and the recommendation! We've ordered the book you suggested as well as another book you've recommended on here; Rewire: change your brain by Richard O' Connor. So thanks for sharing that part of your life and the recommendation, it sounded like you had quite a rough period in your life there. Are you now free of pain?

Yes, I am pleased to report that I am completely free of pain Shade. In the interests of openness (in case of anyone else is here that has experienced similar), it was pain following a vasectomy. It is fair to say that it ruined my life for 3 or 4 years - I was extremely depressed, lost my job etc. It took me a long time to dig myself out of the well but was able to and learned so much about myself in the process, including how my reaction and fear to stuff I read online when the symptoms first occurred massively amplified the issue - I'm definitely a more complete person for having gone through it and understand my mental health much more fully. Another great resource in terms of understanding physical pain is an Australian guy called Lorimer Moseley. His work is awesome (a word I seldom use!) On other matters, I have to credit the Richard O'Connor book to WIPUK, and although I'm only part way through it, it's excellent.

Good luck this week - sounds like the weekend was a great one.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #231 on: July 13, 2020, 03:37:29 PM »
Hey Guys,

Just an update, i am on here as a premptive strike against urges. Wife and I went to bed early but I couldnt sleep. I was hungry and my mind was racing. SO i went downstairs and now I am typing this.

hope you are all having a nice porn free day/evening
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UKGuy

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #232 on: July 13, 2020, 04:08:22 PM »
Stay strong Shade!!! Sending good thoughts your way! Wishing you a good night’s sleep my friend.

Orbiter

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #233 on: July 14, 2020, 08:09:28 AM »
Great job on the pre-emptive strike Shade. Hope the urges eventually subsided and you were able to get a good rest in the end.

Icandoit

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #234 on: July 18, 2020, 11:02:50 AM »
Hi Shade,
I have been reflecting about this too.
My father in law is an alcoholic. He last had a drink over 25 years ago, but he still attends his weekly meetings as if he didn't, he knows (or fears) what would happen. It's therefore become a way of life for him, and as a consequence he has developed some wonderful friendships and become something of a mentor for others who are not yet as advanced on their journey.
I was wondering the other day (On Joe's thread I think), what happens to the guys that leave here? How many of them stay clean vs relapse? I don't know the answer of course, but what I do know is that even if they have become 100% healed, by leaving they are passing up an opportunity to continue to help others, to become mentors, an inspiration - and that is something that I think they would benefit from as much as the people they are helping. I'm not judging at all, but why wouldn't you want to lend a hand to a brother in need? It makes you feel good, especially when you are appreciated. It perhaps it makes the pain you went through all the more worthwhile because you are able to use the learnings and experience to help many more people (and their partners/kids etc) avoid that suffering. At the same time...it also keeps you clean. I don't believe that 90 days is sufficient to 'reboot an go' like some kind of hard drive erasure. This is an ongoing process and engaging in it on a long term basis is central to one's continued recovery and sobriety. This for me, has been the missing piece of my jigsaw after years of trying to tweak my own plan - I would be foolish and complacent to think I could do without it. At the same time, we have to guard against apathy, the joy of finding others to share with starting to diminish, the sense that the forum has done its job (for us) and there are other things to move onto. That fatigue is natural in any activity or venture, and I think being aware of it in ourselves (almost like being aware of triggers) is the best way to ensure long term engagement within the community, and as a consequence more likely positive outcomes for all. I'm not planning on going anywhere yet, and look forward to celebrating your 90 days together!! Cheers my friend.

Porn addiction is not an easy addiction. I thought it was when I started my recovery journey and then I realized it was super hard. I don't like saying this but I have this feeling that a lot of people won't make it. I've been on this forum for longer than I've been a member and I got to see people who are done with this addiction and they are definitely less than the others still fighting. Because it's not easy. Some people stay away from porn for a long time and then come back. The people who are completely done with this is smaller. But I still have hope than all of us members here will be one day done with this shit. I don't know how realistic my expectations are though.

Also, I think it benefits recovered people to still come to this forum, just like recovered alcoholics still go to AA meetings. I see this like a reminder than you should still be careful because it's easy to slip. Helping others reinforce the reasons why you want to stay away from porn and I think it could also be something like: "I can't relapse and let those guys down that I've been trying to help." I remember in the past I had an accountability partner on nofap and I went longer than normally without porn because he hadn't relapsed and I didn't want to relapse either.

And some people obsess too much about this 90 days thing, like they are completely cured after this period. 90 days is a good start because it's long enough to see some improvements and a good goal to have in mind but it could also be a burden because 90 days seems long when your streak is 1 day long. Right now this is my 5th day and I want to take it easy and think about making it to 1 week first, forget about 90 days cause that's a lot right now. I'll think about it on 85th day mark or something (I hope so). Peace.
« Last Edit: July 18, 2020, 11:05:27 AM by Icandoit »

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #235 on: July 18, 2020, 05:13:31 PM »
Staying away from P is constantly walking away from it, because the addiction is always trying to push you back. There will be no comfort with P anymore in a life of a guy who was once addicted. Bottom line, it's the fighting against it that is very honorable. One could do nothing, but we are here together doing something. There is no easy way out, take everything you find that helps you to add another day to your list.

UKGuy

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #236 on: July 20, 2020, 03:02:08 AM »
How are you doing Shade? Hope all’s well in the Trenicin household?

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #237 on: July 20, 2020, 08:44:53 AM »
Hey guys,

A quick update from me, i've been away a lot and not active since 6 days.. I'm having a hard time to be honest. I'm constantly tired and it eats away at me. I've been ignoring the fact that I have (post)COVID symptoms and i've just been going and going while in reality a short trip to the supermarket will leave me dead tired for hours. My sleep is still terrible. Waking up multiple times a night, neck pains. This all combined leaves me with little mental energy to cope with things or go on the forum. MO-ing is a no-no.. to much chaser effect and at the moment way to much urges than I can handle..

I've decided that in order to survive this i have to reorganize my priorities.. I've been neglecting being sick to much and by doing that pooring my efforts into the normal life.. But my efforts should be poured into getting better, meditation, self care and good food (yes my bad food consumption has shot up)..

So today (i'm still not fully into the new priorities) i've called in sick. Tomorrow a new covid test since i now have a full on cold with runny nose/sneezing/coughing/headaches etc.. I'm actually practicing physical distancing from the wife since we don't know if she can be re-infected.

Anyway, let's not focus on the negative but on the positive;
1. I've started this day with a mindfulness exercise
2. I've started reading the book Rewire: change your brain by Richard 'O Connor (recommendation by UKGuy) and so far I have a LOT of recognition.
3. Tonight we will eat a very healthy meal
4. I'm checking in every day on RN again
5. It's mu birthday  8) turning 36 today. I'm now closer to 40 than 30 lol

Because I've done the obvious stupid thing and stayed away from here (because no energy) but that is a big trap. I SHOULD be coming on here when i have no energy to deal with things. It's that wall of protection that I need. So from now on I am checking in daily again.

Thanks for reading guys, it wasn't a quick update as I thought it would be but fuck that. I'm glad to be on here. I've actually missed it.

« Last Edit: July 20, 2020, 10:35:20 AM by ShadeTrenicin »
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UKGuy

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #238 on: July 20, 2020, 03:50:16 PM »
Happy Birthday Shade!                                                                                                             Wishing you health, strength and a good night's sleep.
Good to see you back and active, despite your challenging circumstances.
Take care.


Orbiter

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #239 on: July 22, 2020, 02:18:33 AM »
I echo everything UKGuy said. It's good to have you back and wishing you all the best, good health & sleep. With the ongoing issues with health & sleep, are there some things, even small things, you could do to make things a bit easier on yourself through this?

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #240 on: July 22, 2020, 05:00:52 AM »
Hey guys,

Thanks for the well wishes and support. It means a lot to me.

I feel bad in a weird way for not being as present and supportive to you guys as much as I normally was the past weeks. I've been struggling with my health and one of the things that has also been impacted by this is my cognitive performance. I have noticed that understanding and keeping up with the things I read is difficult (even more so in English since it's not my mother tongue). That's what I haven't been so active in posting in the other threads. And although I have no obligation to do so, i feel bad about it. Also because I miss it. I like the idea of being supportive because in my opinion it's one of the biggest virtues a person can have.

That being said, in response to orbiters question; yes i do have positive things to pick up. It sometimes is difficult to properly get a persons way of thinking on a forum due to the lack of intonation and facial expression but I am in fact a really positive guy. So I do always try to make the best of everything.  One of the pitfalls in this is that I sometimes tend to be overly positive about things i.e. supressing the real emotions. But that is something that has greatly improved while on this forum (Yay forum). But while at home I do still bond more and more with the Mrs.
The night before yesterday we had a 3 hour conversation about the addiction and some of the more extreme aspecst of it (one if which is my P induced preference which now sickens me and quite possibly traumatized me) and that is something that she found really, really difficult to process. It has been something that we have not really discussed and also something that I have not fully come to terms with. But although this conversation was dreadfully heavy to discuss we did it with the outcome that we grew more and more together. It has had quite an impact on both of us the next day but I also found that it rejuvinated my sencee of commitment to getting rid of P.

One other thing is that I've been playing the piano a lot more lately. I've been picking up theory and technique as well as picking up my own composition as well and trying some more challenging pieces. Right now I'm breaking my fingers at two pieces. The first is from Debussy; Tarantell styrienne. It's difficult but making progress is really rewarding. The other one is called The heart asks pleasure first from Michael Nyman. Not as difficult to play, but the intonation between hands is somewhat challenging.

Another thing positive is the half yearly appraisal at work that I had. Most of the areas at work i've been praised above average with the exeption of all things regarding planning and prioritizing. Those are true struggles for me. But I hope that the book Rewire: Change your brain will help me with that in a way that it will help me to not procrastinate planning and organisation as I always do. With a shoutout to UKGuy who  got the tip from WorkInProgressUK.

The health department is still ups and downs... Right now I have a big cold of which I hope is not COVID (Again).. I've had myself tested and hope to get the results today or tomorrow. Other than that still dealing with fatigue but sleep is getting better.


Thanks for reading guys!

Stay safe

« Last Edit: July 22, 2020, 05:03:44 AM by ShadeTrenicin »
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Joel

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #241 on: July 22, 2020, 01:36:05 PM »
Wishing you a speedy recovery, bud!

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #242 on: July 22, 2020, 02:28:21 PM »
Belated Birthday congratulations Shade.

You are on the right track, even though P and other things are challenging you. Stay with it, sooner or later you will succeed.
Get well soon, focus your energy!

Imsor

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #243 on: July 24, 2020, 03:55:37 PM »
Hey guys.

Lately i've been talking a lot about my health and not my addiction. So today I will talk more about my addiction.

In the conversation I had with the mrs. a couple of days ago we discussed the extreme preference i have developed due to years of porn use. It somehow is something that i still have not fully come to terms with. It's something that disgusts me and worse, i still have flashes towards. Because I find it difficult to come to terms with it i notice that it has been pushed to the back of my mind. But the problem with this is that i cannot process it. I'm afraid to face that part of myself. But in order to change myself i have to get over this fear and face my former self. I did not really know how untill this afternoon.

I had a therapy session and i explained the situation to her (she knows about the addiction) and she mentioned that allowing and facing this part of myself is a perfect exercise for my mindfulness practices. I can conjur up the thoughts/feelings that I have about my p induced preferences and observe them without judgement. Try to work towards acceptance of that part of me. After a small while I will have to focus on the now and try to let go of that part of myself. I'll see for the coming days how this will work out.

Also, now that I have gotten some good sleep days in I can see more clearly now that my days have been unstructured and without purpose. This in itself is not a bad thing when everything is in order. But this is not the case here. I find that I have limited energy and I need to spend it well because if i do not do so, I will create pitfalls and opportunity for the addiction. The remedy to this is that I start using my daily planner again. In any case it will help me conserve energy as well because as a person with ADHD i need the structure. Without structure my life is a series of events bound together by a thin wire that seems to have no order. And to be honest it is like that most of the time. It's the same as with the addiction; you have to fully acknowlegde it before you can do something about it. But somehow i've never really accepted the fact that I have it and by doing so i've blocked a lot of my own potential and created negative unconsious patterns in my life that are now very hard to get rid of (again, same as with the addiction).


That's it for now, thanks for reading

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imsorrynotsorry

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #244 on: July 24, 2020, 04:15:44 PM »
Hey Shade,

just dropping a late comment before going to bed.

We all have come to places with the addiction we wished we never entered, but we did. I'd say, i didn't voluntarily want to see the stuff i've seen, it was the addiction holding my hand leading me deeper and deeper in the rabbit hole. So much for who is to blame for. Now, with the education of PMO i know that extreme preferences are symptoms and is nothing i want to experience in real life.
If advice is welcomed, i'd say you can accept what happened and face that it was there until you get the feeling of 'you are okay with it'. At this point this symptom is weak, at every other point the symptom is present. In general i don't think that this aspect needs a lot of enlightment, but this only counts for me. We all have our own ways. One last thing came in my mind: Maybe it's the perfect place to talk about this in your therapy session and not with the wife to protect her from that. She then knows 'he's handling that in therapy' and mustn't have concerns about it, to strictly separate this part.

Get well soon.


ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #245 on: July 28, 2020, 04:24:25 AM »
To quote the legendary popstar Britney Spears; " Oops I did it again".. Today is day 1 unfortunately. It was a build up of a couple of days that went from a trigger (I can't even remember what it was, only that I had it) to quickly looking at some P, then putting it away and yesterday night not being able to sleep, peeking at my phone then going downstairs to eat some and then being seduced to give in...

I've noticed that the mental defences were not enough and there was some form of very toxic self serving bias (my brain convincing me that it is awesome and great etc and that it's not so bad. Just a quick one won't hurt you)

The stupid thing is that just before bed I read something posted by UKGuy and PE30 about having a choice and the impact of that choice. When looked at objectively the choice is very clear, but if it is you the addict having to make the choice while having urges your mind does a wondrous job in clouding your every sense of judgement. It's old brainpaths to new ones and this instance has shown me how deeprooted the addiction is. It felt so 'normal' to do the bad thing and so hard, strange and not ok to do the good thing. It's moments like these that show just how embedded this addiction is and how hardwired it is into my brain..

I've decided not to tell the wife of this instance. I want to, I really do because I find a lot of comfort in being honest and open about this. I also don't like lying about this. The lying about it is what tore me up before everythign was out in the open. It made me feel so alone and isolated from my wife.
But at the moment it's the lesser of two evils. During her recovery from COVID minor disturbances between us have a lot of impact on her mood and that is reflected in her sleep and general wellbeing which is affecting her recovery. So I have to be strong and manage this instance on my own because she cannot cope with the extra burden of knowing that I relapsed. Luckily I have you guys so not all is lost.

So, what have I learned from this?

1. Again, small triggers and peeking build up to a relapse 9 out of 10 times
2. Phone in the bedroom (i managed to do 2 nights without before it re-entered)
3. Sleep routine; make sure I am better able to sleep so no energizing activities 1 hour before bed
4. Keep learning about my pitfalls and learn to rewire my brain



Thanks for reading guys
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Icandoit

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #246 on: July 28, 2020, 06:31:15 AM »
Today is day 1 unfortunately. It was a build up of a couple of days that went from a trigger (I can't even remember what it was, only that I had it) to quickly looking at some P, then putting it away and yesterday night not being able to sleep, peeking at my phone then going downstairs to eat some and then being seduced to give in...
I guess everybody has been through stuff like this. I certainly did. Actually, I'm going through it right now. I've been triggered hard yesterday and now I feel that hand trying to push me to relapse. But messing with porn never leads to anything good. Our brain is used to abuse and it won't be satisfied with "just a little". Maybe it's not today, not tomorrow, but it builds up eventually. No porn touching is the only sure way to avoid going out of control, that's why it's a terrible idea to spend time online unless you really need it.

Quote
I've noticed that the mental defences were not enough and there was some form of very toxic self serving bias (my brain convincing me that it is awesome and great etc and that it's not so bad. Just a quick one won't hurt you)

The stupid thing is that just before bed I read something posted by UKGuy and PE30 about having a choice and the impact of that choice. When looked at objectively the choice is very clear, but if it is you the addict having to make the choice while having urges your mind does a wondrous job in clouding your every sense of judgement. It's old brainpaths to new ones and this instance has shown me how deeprooted the addiction is. It felt so 'normal' to do the bad thing and so hard, strange and not ok to do the good thing. It's moments like these that show just how embedded this addiction is and how hardwired it is into my brain..

Of course, the brain will try anything for dopamine. What I've noticed is that thinking about the post-binge misery never really helped me. After a binge, I would tell myself "this is the last time, I will remember how I feel right now and never let myself feel like this again", only to "forget" about all this in a week. It's like the misery is a distant memory now that doesn't feel bad anymore. I had to think about a different approach to this. A lot of guys used to tell me: "Think about how you feel after a relapse." I did, but it felt so distant and not painful at all.

As addicts we should never negotiate with the addiction. I can't remember how many times I've told myself: "I will only do one PMO, 15 minutes, one scene, cause the urges are killing me and then go on. It can't hurt me that much, right?" Only to see myself murdered by the chaser effect and binging and edging all day without control. Which brings me to what I said above: If you don't touch it, you can't burn yourself. There is really no room for "a little" when it comes to addictions. This is something that we have to learn: To stay away completely from stimulation. Staying away completely from searching for anything stimulating and avoiding the hypersexualized thoughts. Starving the addiction. Only like this we can win. It's not easy, especially the thoughts part, but it's a must.


UKGuy

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #247 on: July 28, 2020, 07:15:12 AM »
Hey Shade,
Worry not my friend - the horse's stirrups are very welcoming when we fall.
I know you are very switched on with your emotional awareness, but I have a practical observation which I thought mentioning...
Would I be correct in recollecting that most of the Britney moments occur at night time (or very early morning)?
I recently got into a habit of waking up in the early hours and going for breakfast cereal before going straight back to sleep. I started to believe that it was necessary to go and eat the cereal before I could go back to sleep which was of course nonsense - I do make sure though now that I eat some for supper immediately before bed if we've eaten our main meal early.
Even if waking in the night and going downstairs is something that you can't avoid (and I know you struggle with sleep at times), I presume there is no reason at all why you need your phone at night? Is there something that you could do to build a bit of a barrier to the phone at those times? - as daft as it sounds, I heard once of a guy investing in a safe with an access timer (they're available on Amazon!). It did the trick for him.
It might be something you could share with your wife and ask for her support in - a positive development rather than an admission which may distress her?
Either way, take care.




imsorrynotsorry

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #248 on: July 28, 2020, 03:46:32 PM »
Hey Shade,

i'm not a fan of making Britney jokes in terms of PMO relapse. It's just the funny approach, that doesn't feel right, for me.

I think you should do something about the situations of relapse with serious measures. You know about the situations which are hard, you know that all. If you have the power right now, try to do something against it.
Relapsing is one thing, but seeing triggers, knowing that a phone at night isn't helping at all and still do it, sounds a bit ambiguous to me.

If i'd be a doctor with PMO as a special expertise, i'd advice 10 days of no phone from 8 pm to 8 am. Exceptions, ask the wife.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #249 on: July 29, 2020, 04:59:20 AM »
Hey Guys,

Thanks all for the much valued input.

@Icandoit Messing with porn will virtually always lead to no good, no matter the form. I think that a zero tolerance policy should be used in this. What you mentioned about your brain telling you 'just one last time' and then to forget all about that is something that I really recognize. This is something that for me, directly correlates to something UKGuy said and Imsorrynotsorry also observed.

@UKGuy and @Imsorry, you are both totally right in the fact that I am aware of a lot of things on an emotional level but the practical side of things is where I leave a big openening in terms of defenses. I know what my triggers are, when they are, what could happen and how I would feel, yet I do not anticipate myself in these moments. I act as if I can beat it on willpower alone. This is ambiguous indeed seeing as it directly goes against something I say in the 6 point plan; I cannot will it away.

So if I am completely honest with myself (which you should always be in beating an addiction) I could say that I was fooling myself the last couple of weeks and that I have not given the addiction all the attention and effort that I should have given it. In this case, I have myself to blame for the relapse and not the addiction.

So thanks Icandoit and UKGuy for the support and thanks Imsorrynotsorry for telling me how it is!
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0