Author Topic: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery  (Read 7895 times)

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #150 on: June 01, 2020, 08:32:16 AM »
Hey Joel,

thanks for the kind words. It sometims is a challenge to get back on the horse.

About the scare, it does put things in perspective. But, as it turns out, for me i might not've been a scare. Today i can't really do anything without being out of breath. So imma call the doctor tomorrow to have myself tested.

I've been tending for the wife for 8 weeks now, so it's a miracle i didn't get it sooner. Anyway, let's just wait what the test says. Until that time i'll remain as inactive as possible!

A great side effect of this is that i have no energy to do stuff. So PMO is not an option, just thinking about it makes my lungs hurt  ;D
Urge-wise i've been pretty good, virtually no urges. Only fast image flashes once in a while, but no deep seeted lustfull desire or something like that.
Well, for the wife, but not porn.

Ill keep you guys updated

Cheers, and thanks fr reading
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

KittyHawk

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #151 on: June 01, 2020, 10:07:41 AM »
Hi Shade,

stay vigilant!
I noticed before on myself, that, oddly enough, being tired and exhausted is also a trigger.

 
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

Orbiter

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #152 on: June 02, 2020, 07:40:11 AM »
Hi Shade,

Sorry to hear of your ongoing struggles. Stay safe & well over there whenever possible. Hope the test comes back all clear.

I'll be keep an eye on this journal. Wishing you and your loved ones well.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #153 on: June 03, 2020, 06:52:42 AM »
Thanks, quick update; being tested for Corona in 30 mins
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

UKGuy

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #154 on: June 03, 2020, 10:51:20 AM »
How did you get on Shade?
Live with areté, focus on what you control, take responsibility = Eudaimonia.

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=18284.0

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #155 on: June 03, 2020, 02:56:49 PM »
Hey UKGuy,


The test was not so bad. They take taken an XL cotton swab and drive it down you nose about 8 cm deep lol. I'm supposed to get the answer within 48 hours.

Corona aside, I feel like I'm standing still with the addition. It's going well, but I feel that on a deeper level there is a lot still to work through. But that Is something that that takes a lot of time.


I guess that will be my focus the coming time
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

metal22

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #156 on: June 03, 2020, 08:45:01 PM »
Shade,
I hope things get better for you health-wise!
I bought a fixer-upper that we are living in.  I've been working as much as I can on it for the last 2.5 years.  It's exhausting,  and sometimes infuriating,  but othertimes rewarding.  It definitely keeps me busy though!   

UKGuy

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #157 on: June 04, 2020, 05:03:27 AM »
Ouch...sounds painful Shade!
Be positive re the PMO - standing still is much better than going backwards! I think we need these flat periods of consolidation sometimes, and of course remember that you are not feeling well - this will be a big factor in how you are viewing things. Good luck with the result - take care and be kind to yourself my friend.
Live with areté, focus on what you control, take responsibility = Eudaimonia.

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=18284.0

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #158 on: June 05, 2020, 01:56:44 AM »
Hi Guys,


So the covid test came back negative (as expected) but i still have to follow the guideline and stay home until the symptoms have subsided for at least 24 hours.
I am unsure about the test results and i think there is a good chance that is was a false negative because in all my contats with the national health service, the local and both our docters, is that nobody really knows whats the truth. I've been getting a lot of different and not matching information and they all tell me that they are also seeking for what is the actual truth.

Addiction wise im doing okay. Better than yesterday (had a really foul mood). Today I feel more at ease and aware of my urges and i have a clear mind to think about them.
I do notice a lot of fantasy flashes in my head which tend to lead me to think about scenarios and strategies that i could PMO in. They feel so familiar that it's tempting.

Long live the 6 point plan

I've recognized my urge,
I've let it be and watched it without judgement
I've kind of found why I want to resort to PMO (i've been feeling reaaaally unproductive since i am not my best physically and that makes me need a sort of pick me up. In the past this always was PMO)
I've said to my self that it was temporary and voila the feeling subsided
I've remembered the hollow unfulfilled sense of nothing and regret that i have after a PMO wank
There was no need for an emergency activity, in stead i came to the forum :)

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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

UKGuy

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #159 on: June 05, 2020, 03:25:47 AM »
LONG LIVE THE 6 POINT PLAN SHADE!!!

I am pleased to report that with time, those creative flashes of scenarios and strategies have diminished for me.

Good to hear that you have been tested as -ve. Are you feeling any better? Very interesting to hear your first hand insights from the health workers in terms of a lack of consensus. It still seems as if there are more unanswered questions with Covid than answered ones.

Have a good day and a good mood my friend! :-)
Live with areté, focus on what you control, take responsibility = Eudaimonia.

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=18284.0

Orbiter

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #160 on: June 05, 2020, 08:59:32 AM »
Glad to read the test is done and you've stayed the course throughout. Hopefully you will have a more solid concensus re the results but it sounds promising the way I read it.

Stay the course Shade, i'm sure it'll work out.

mr.slurps

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #161 on: June 05, 2020, 02:27:53 PM »
Hiya Shade,   Thanks again for reaching out. That was really something.
I'm realizing that act of reaching out can be powerful/productive.
Jerking off is a selfish/isolating act. Helping another is the opposite.
My big relapse has got me back in my selfish head, hence not being good re posting on other's journals.
Also, I'm so shaken I've returned to not leaving myself "alone in the house w/ a computer." (I thought I had gotten beyond that point.)
So now I have to gradually get back to being more generous/giving.

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #162 on: June 05, 2020, 03:25:48 PM »
Quote
I've said to my self that it was temporary and voila the feeling subsided

I want to cut that out because there is great experience speaking.
The addiction with the urge kicks in on high speed, while our sanity is running late. If we accomplish to wait, let it be and wait for our sanity to arrive 'the urge' gets cold feet. This is why i'm a big fan of what i like to call Shades 6 Point Plan.

Furthermore i want to say congratulations in your success of an avoided relapse. There will be more, but with every avoided relapse you get more routine in your defence and the S6PP.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #163 on: June 06, 2020, 05:37:13 AM »
Thanks guys for all the responses!

I am somewhat pleased and displeased to tell you guys that i was practically in the act of relapsing until i (got) stopped by an external trigger which lead me to stop myself. It was a close call.. phew. It took a lot of effort and belated 6PP to make myself stop.
MAN was i grumpy after that... But in the course of the evening my mood went back to normal, especially when i outed my underlying feelings towards my wife. Later on i also watched a Tara Brach video that helped me get to my own senses.

I've been noticing that i am great in fooling myself. I appear even to myself in really investing into the S6PP (I love that title) and emotions but i am also a master of doing it on the surface in a rational way and not letting it enter into my real emotions.
Because of that i've been struggling a lot the past 2 weeks in fact. I've been doing okay with the addiction (kind off) but i've noticed that i'm also automatically burying my emotions again like i used to do.

Not addressing these emotions will lead me to relapse behaviour again. In fact, now that i've worded it on this forum it is very clear to me. My triggers are unprocessed or burried emotions.

I will contemplate on that and later edit this post some more


« Last Edit: June 06, 2020, 06:05:56 AM by ShadeTrenicin »
--------
Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

mr.slurps

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #164 on: June 06, 2020, 04:20:11 PM »
Hiya Shade,  Here's some zen to think about.
Emotions are real. And emotions are not real.
The quality of out communication with them is important. It should be as straight-forward as possible.
That is also true with others (wife).

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #165 on: June 07, 2020, 09:46:20 PM »
Thanks man, thats insightful!


So it's like past 4a.m and i still cannot sleep. Mind has been going like crazy. However, just wanted to check in here for obvious reasons. I am now downstairs and this usually was a relapse opportunity for me. But no more 6 point plan for the win.

I came on here as a sort of preemptive strike.


Anyway, i will try to get some sleep (birds are already awake)
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

Joel

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #166 on: June 09, 2020, 05:24:59 AM »
Yo Shade, hope you were able to push through. That open communication with the wife sounds like a postitive way to come back to earth instead of these urges/ acting out getting more and more out of control.

UKGuy

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #167 on: June 09, 2020, 08:18:39 AM »
How's it going Shade? I hope you're feeling better.
Live with areté, focus on what you control, take responsibility = Eudaimonia.

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=18284.0

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #168 on: June 10, 2020, 01:29:26 AM »
Hey Guys,

Thanks for the concerns and well wishes. It means a lot.
I've been busy a lot these days. Mostly with work and it keeps my mind of things. Happy to report my sleep has improved the last two nights.

I will try to update and respond to your threads soon.


Take care guys im always rooting
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

Icandoit

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #169 on: June 10, 2020, 08:26:25 AM »
No matter how shit we feel, we still must quit porn because porn doesn't help.

Orbiter

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #170 on: June 11, 2020, 04:54:24 AM »
How's everything going Shade? Feeling any better as of late? Good to see you've managed to stay strong and stick to the 6 point through some very stressful developments.

Looking forward to your next update, rooting for you as always!

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #171 on: June 13, 2020, 03:37:25 AM »
Hey Guys,

So it's been a couple of days since i was active on the forum. And yesterday it was down so I couldnt post.

I've been doing good i guess. I've been dead-tired the past days and my wife is still feeling the full relapse of the COVID-19 sickness. Turns out, it's now getting clear that a group of thousands of 'young' people that had mild symptoms are now unable to properly function due to after effects. My wife is now in here 10th week and when she walks to the kitchen, her heart rate shoots up to 150 bpm.. She can't do anything yet. For me i've also been feeling this, not as severe tho.

Because i'm so tired my defences have been low and I glanced at some P every now and then but iwas to lazy to MO.. So this being tired was actually a saver lol.

Luckily last night i've had an amazing good night sleep and i'm feeling much better.

All in all I've noticed that I was out of synch with myself the last weeks (as I might've written down) but this is slowly returning. This has become clear because besides the P addictions the use of the 6PP is now slowly being used in other ways as well. When i have the urge to buy something unhealty, or if i want to do something impulsive.. So slowly but steadily it's becoming a habit for me.


That's it for now, there is a brainfog due to being tired so i can't really think of more coherent stuff to type.

Stay safe everyone!
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

UKGuy

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #172 on: June 13, 2020, 03:54:39 AM »
Hey Shade,
I am sorry to read that the journey back to full health is a slow one, and am wishing you and your wife a speedy recovery.
I can relate to the low defences when feeling ill/tired, and also the desire to grab on to something that will make you feel better. I guess a quick injection of dopamine is one such thing, so be careful!
Maybe the 6PP will become a new mega-trend in the future - you should write a book on it! I will write the forward and say what a good guy you are and how the 6PP really helped me in my life in many ways! :-)
Take care be patient with the recovery.
All the best.
Live with areté, focus on what you control, take responsibility = Eudaimonia.

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=18284.0

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #173 on: June 13, 2020, 12:56:11 PM »
Shit, fuck, ass..... Day 0 :'(
Guess I could've seen it coming with all the fatigue. I wasn't prepared and I didn't feel like being prepared.. Shit do I feel hollow.. I will calm down and try to pick myself up.
« Last Edit: June 13, 2020, 01:02:58 PM by ShadeTrenicin »
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

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Orbiter

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #174 on: June 13, 2020, 05:42:56 PM »
Sorry to hear about the relapse Shade, I can feel the hollowness & dissapointment as if it was my own. Regarding a plan of action I would say, if this has happened at the end of the day, maybe have an early night, sleep & regroup tomorrow. If it was in the morning, refocus and get some tasks ready to get you back on track & feel good about the day being productive.

The practical stuff aside, it can often feel unfair that when so many others are going through difficult & exhausting periods of life, they only have to worry about stress & fatigue whereas we have to worry about that PLUS the internal battle with that addictive part of our brains/personalities. Because of this though, I think sadly relapses will happen from time to time. Not to say that we should give up and accept them, more that sometimes I suppose shit happens and we've just got to find a way to make peace with it, let go and keep moving forward.

Look after yourself Shade and watch out for the chaser. We're still rooting for you!