Author Topic: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery  (Read 7890 times)

Orbiter

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #125 on: May 23, 2020, 09:15:15 PM »
Hi Shade,

Though i'm sorry to hear of your recent relapse, it's inspiring to see how you've taken this setback and reflected on it, formed a clear understanding of it and have made a concrete plan of action to address it. If we can use these relapses to learn and motivate, I feel more and more this is the way to move towards genuinely breaking free of this habit.

I'll be checking in over the coming days, i'm interested to hear how the next few days go. Rooting for you as always!

UKGuy

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #126 on: May 24, 2020, 02:54:50 AM »
Hi Shade,
I saw Orbiters words first when I clicked on this page - my first reaction was 'Oh F*ck!', which is really interesting in that I discovered I feel a real connection with your journey, and also guys like Mr Slurps who I correspond a lot with - that's not to exclude any of the other guys of course, but the more you follow someone's progress, the more connected you feel I guess. So, I am feeling empathy here for you, not least because I have been there myself many times...but I also feel great encouragement at your resilience and ability to diagnose and strengthen your plan. I also celebrate the fact that you clearly have a great and understanding wife. Show her your strength through your resolve. I don't feel you need any words of advice from me as you know your theory very well, but be assured that there is someone here rooting for you and also Mrs T too! All the best my friend.
« Last Edit: May 24, 2020, 02:57:40 AM by UKGuy »
Live with areté, focus on what you control, take responsibility = Eudaimonia.

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=18284.0

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #127 on: May 24, 2020, 08:09:35 AM »
Thank you all Imsorrynotsorry, Orbiter, and UKGuy!

Your words have left me at the verge of crying, in a good way i might add.

I've gone through a lot of emotions, and one of them is feeling like a fraud, even though i know i am not. I am here a lot posting in other threads, giving advice, being supportive and then i relapse myself. This feels fraudulent somehow.

Anyway, i've noticed that on pivotal points nearing the PMO threshold i have a great ability to pursuade myself that "it's okay to do it for a bit. It's not harmfull at all. I know i like it" It's a very annoying yet familiar and powerful sort of voice inside my head.
I know who that voice is, it's my self-worth encouraging me to do something i 'want' because i 'earned' it.. It's such a familiar voice that i have difficulty recognizing it as something that is actually really harmful. In reality that self-worth is self destructive and delusional in thinking that I will benefit from it.
It is a feeling that leads me to further shield myself from the world by engaging in things that are easy to control and are easily kept at a distance.
That way, i cannot be harmed emotionally.

This mechanism, i'm positive, is a remainder from my childhood in which i was teased a lot, sometimes bullied and most of all excluded by other kids (and sometimes adults) because i was the really fucking annoying kid. Later on it proved to be ADHD that made me act like that. I needed a lot of attention and for me at a point negative attention was also attention. Due to this chain of events i am a person that is in need of constant approval or appreciation from peers and i have trouble getting that approval from the most important person; myself.

Funny thing is that i recently posted in someone elses thread (can't remember who) about self love and how it's pivotal in making a good recovery.
The above mentioned things illustrate why self love is so necesary.

I think that in self love i have the key to accepting myself and with that the ability to no longer need the approval or appreciation from peers to make me feel good
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

KittyHawk

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #128 on: May 24, 2020, 02:55:13 PM »
Hi Shade,

Just keep going. There is no shame in that. We all are “work in progress” and openly admit it.
That doesn’t mean we can’t give each other advices. And they might even prove to be more valuable since they come from someone who is also “in trenches”.

Yet I know the feeling. I also feel kinda unworthy after each relapse to even come back here. But by coming back here, we are actually showing a lot of character and resolve.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #129 on: May 24, 2020, 03:20:11 PM »
Quote
I am here a lot posting in other threads, giving advice, being supportive and then i relapse myself. This feels fraudulent somehow.

Not at all. This experience is important. You are on your way, like we all are, a slip or even falling down is not dragging you back in that hole where we had so much trouble crawling out. If you turn around and stay day in day out in that hole isn't helping. Just to make this example clear: Maybe you havn't reached the 90 days without PMO, then make it plan B to reach 90 days with the least relapse count and the sum it up. 1 or 5 relapses in 90 days is very very good compared to 90 relapses in 90 days, isn't it?
A relapses isn't restoring your brain back to 100% PMO-addiction. It's halting or not helping. So, keep on going, watch your steps, come here often, talk it through.

Wolfman

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #130 on: May 24, 2020, 04:52:07 PM »
Shade,

you shouldn't be feeling fraudulent in giving encouragement and advice to others you feel you're unable to follow yourself. It's a sign of immaculate courage to be able to, in spite of one's own perceived failings, to be supportive to others and help where possible. It only goes to show that this issue goes deeper than the conscious intellect, it goes to our habits, our drives, our instinct and our soul. And in spite of those failings within your own body, the plagues within your soul, you still persist and go on encouraging others, giving advice you know is right. Problem is just how to connect that knowledge with your actual situation, which may require more knowledge, more practical changes or both--but the fact you took that leap, that extra beyond yourself, shows you are throwing ropes out new, better territories. Now you just need to figure out how you can make a foot-bridge out of those ropes, so that you can cross not only with your vision, but with your body too.

Man, your comments have been like bolts of lightning from heaven for me. Really, I appreciate your support so much. Maybe it's in moments where we can be supportive for others we realize how supportive we can be for ourselves. So I think here about what you said about self-love.

We're with you, buddy, in the good and the ugly. Especially the ugly.

UKGuy

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #131 on: May 25, 2020, 02:45:35 AM »
Great words Wolfman, with which I concur 100%.

Shade - you're a great guy and a significant contributor to the recovery of many here, myself included. Your selflessness is very apparent. Just make sure you practice that self love with yourself. If there's something in your mind that you wouldn't say to one of us (e.g.: it feels like you're a fraud), then don't say it to yourself either! #selflove

Shade,

you shouldn't be feeling fraudulent in giving encouragement and advice to others you feel you're unable to follow yourself. It's a sign of immaculate courage to be able to, in spite of one's own perceived failings, to be supportive to others and help where possible. It only goes to show that this issue goes deeper than the conscious intellect, it goes to our habits, our drives, our instinct and our soul. And in spite of those failings within your own body, the plagues within your soul, you still persist and go on encouraging others, giving advice you know is right. Problem is just how to connect that knowledge with your actual situation, which may require more knowledge, more practical changes or both--but the fact you took that leap, that extra beyond yourself, shows you are throwing ropes out new, better territories. Now you just need to figure out how you can make a foot-bridge out of those ropes, so that you can cross not only with your vision, but with your body too.

Man, your comments have been like bolts of lightning from heaven for me. Really, I appreciate your support so much. Maybe it's in moments where we can be supportive for others we realize how supportive we can be for ourselves. So I think here about what you said about self-love.

We're with you, buddy, in the good and the ugly. Especially the ugly.
Live with areté, focus on what you control, take responsibility = Eudaimonia.

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=18284.0

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #132 on: May 25, 2020, 05:47:02 AM »
KittyHawk, thanks for the words of kindness man, it really helps.

Imsorrynotsorry, Thanks for that relativation of 5 PMO vs 90 days. Really insightfull and it felt relieving to read that

Wolfman, great to see you here man! And thanks so much for your kind words, relativation and just making me feel better!

UKGuy, once again thank you my friend for making me feel valued (and all of you btw)



So, today is day 2 and i'm well!
I watched a great talk by tara brach yesterday about the hungry ghosts of addiction and desire. Really inspirational.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mv7zxUbiwU
Today i'm back at work and i feel motivated once more!

I do have to admit that the urges are strong today! This morning in my car there was an abundance of different scenarios and situations that left me quite exited so to say.. But, realize that the urge is temporary

Thank you all, you guys are what keeps me going
« Last Edit: May 25, 2020, 05:56:21 AM by ShadeTrenicin »
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #133 on: May 25, 2020, 03:02:22 PM »
Update on day 2;

holy shit f*ck.. i have crazy almost uncontrolable urges.. i almost sat down and did it.. again! I have no idea wtf is happening and i'm at a loss on how to cope with this. Has anyone ever experienced crazy strong urges a couple of days after a relapse? It seems much much worse than the chaser effect.


Anyway, for now i'm holding it together but im completely restless both mentally and physically so I decided to come on here and brief you guys!


Edit: I've just read my opening post and re-read my own entire thread. This is actually realy motivating for me and it helped a lot, urges have calmed down!


Cheers

« Last Edit: May 25, 2020, 03:15:58 PM by ShadeTrenicin »
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #134 on: May 25, 2020, 04:59:39 PM »
Yes, know the exact feeling where i've threw it all over board and did it. Afterwards the emptyness and the why. Short time after a relapse the barriers are very very weak. I never was strong enough during this time, which lead to more PMO and more symptoms. What you did today is something i've never achieved. But think, tomorrow and the next days will be hard as hell. I drop a quote for you i like:

Quote
If you're going through hell, keep going
- Winston Churchill

UKGuy

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #135 on: May 26, 2020, 04:17:53 AM »
Stay strong Shade - remember the 6 point plan. Print it off and stick it on your monitor! We're with you brother.
Live with areté, focus on what you control, take responsibility = Eudaimonia.

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=18284.0

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #136 on: May 26, 2020, 06:07:06 AM »
Thanks guys!

Today is actually going great! I held in there, stuck to the 6 point plan! I will keep going through hell!

Thank you for the support!

Day 3 is going well so far. Tonight i'll go for a run
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

metal22

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #137 on: May 27, 2020, 05:12:25 PM »
Shade,
Glad to hear you're doing better.  It sounds like you're staying positive,  and your wife is supportive.  How much do you talk to your wife about your emotions,  feelings and worries?  My wife has always been strong for me,  and I think a great deal of my temptations have roots in unprocessed emotions.  For me,  I'm so out of touch with my emotions and subconscious it almost feels like another human is controlling me at times.  I do things,  say things and react unlike the normal person.  It makes other emotions ( always negative) pop up,  like I might get suddenly envious,  or angry or whatever.  My wife is pretty in tune to me,  and is able to detect when I'm "off".  Just wondering,  since when you said you relapsed you felt like a shell.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #138 on: May 28, 2020, 01:41:08 AM »
Hey Metal22,

Thanks for the perceptive post!

Before i revealed my addiction to my wife i did not talk about my emotions, other than when it all became to much (which was like once a year). I was only able to express my frustration, irritations and projected my feelings on other people.

What you describe about being out of touch is something that i recognize, at least partly. My wife is also very much in tune with me and immediately senses when there is something going on.
For me the whole feeling like a shell thing is feeling like I am living on auto pilot, not in touch with the here and now and no connections to my (true) emotions. When i feel like a shell, the emotions I feel are only a frustrated outlet of my true emotions and not being able to out them.

So, day 4. Feeling pretty good. Talked to myself this morning to not cave, think of the 6 point plan and keep up the good work.

I might put more down later on an interesting concept that i've been reading/listening about.. It's a perception on craving and addiction. Im trying to summarize a transcript of a 50 minute talk.. So it might take a while, but i'm 100% positive this can be helpful and insightful for a lot of people here

Thanks for reading and stay strong guys
« Last Edit: May 28, 2020, 03:23:35 AM by ShadeTrenicin »
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

Orbiter

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #139 on: May 28, 2020, 07:36:15 AM »
I feel we can all relate to that detached vacant feeling. Drifting through the days, never really affected or engaged in life the same way as others, being surprised at our own behaviour when to others they can set it written all over us. I believe this disconnection is at least in part a long term effect of this habit which is also why it unfortunately provides such an effective escape from bad feelings.

We've all got some catching up to do in regards to building this mental & emotional reconnection with our lives but thankfully you have loved ones who clearly do care about you and of course you've got our support too. Keep going!

By the way that Tara Brach talk was fantastic.

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #140 on: May 28, 2020, 09:05:47 AM »
Thought of you yesterday Shade. Glad you're holding on with optimism.
Would like to hear about the concept.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #141 on: May 29, 2020, 01:57:16 PM »
Hey Guys,

This is day 6 and it's going okay-ish i guess. I'm not sleeping very well and i'm somehow displaying weird corona symptoms.. Nothing to serious yet.
My mood is fluctuating a lot but i feel that i am much more able to deal with the negative ones because of the mental growth i have been doign the past 5 months. Right now im dead tired, with a killer headache but happy that you guys are here.

So I'm still working on that transcript of the Hungry ghost talk. It's a lot o do actually and i've been busy with work a lot.

Anyhow, @Orbiter if you are interested i can give you more recommendations from Tara Brach, ones that have definatively helped me with the addiction.


Im off reading and posting in your threads guys! Talk soon and stay PMO free!!!
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

UKGuy

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #142 on: May 29, 2020, 04:03:10 PM »
Get well soon Shade and thanks for the encouragement on my Journal. Sleep well.
Live with areté, focus on what you control, take responsibility = Eudaimonia.

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=18284.0

metal22

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #143 on: May 29, 2020, 08:44:49 PM »
Shade,  hang in there man!  I hope you haven't got the corona.  Get plenty of rest and beat whatever you have!

Orbiter

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #144 on: May 30, 2020, 06:14:15 AM »
Sending you well wishes from afar Shade. Hope you're doing ok and getting well.

Icandoit

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #145 on: May 30, 2020, 07:38:14 AM »
Shade, we have the same number of days. Let's keep going.

KittyHawk

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #146 on: May 30, 2020, 03:53:01 PM »
Hi Shade, keep going! 
I am rooting for you and wishing that it is not a corona. Last time I though I had it, it turned out to be pollen allergies  ;D
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #147 on: May 31, 2020, 05:15:08 AM »
Thank you all guys!

Luckily it was a false alarm and i was just fatigued the last week. I didn't get enough sleep the past 6 days. On top of that i kept on working, maintaining the household and construction work on my roof terrace.. So i guess i asked to much of myself.

My mental defenses were really low this week and been on the verge of relapsing but luckily i've stopped in time. So the last week I still was not in touch with myself and been focussed to much on other things. The sleep deprivation (it wasn't so bad as it sounds) makes me want to resort to other ways of relaxation and I have less mental strenght to choose the right thing to do.

That's why it's a good thing i've had an excellent sleep last night. I am feeling brand new again. Right now i'm doing the construction work on the roof terrace while the wife is also there sunbathing. We chat a bit, it's nice and productive. Plus i'm getting a tan in this gorgeous weather (its 27 degrees Celcius here) And that is exactly what my pasty white body needs; some vitamin D!


Thanks so much guys for all the well wishes, it really means  a lot. This weekend i will post in your topics again


Cheers
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

UKGuy

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #148 on: May 31, 2020, 11:43:18 AM »
Great to hear you’re well and rested Shade. Well done for resisting whilst tired - always a dangerous time. Take care and enjoy the sun.
Live with areté, focus on what you control, take responsibility = Eudaimonia.

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=18284.0

Joel

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Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
« Reply #149 on: June 01, 2020, 08:27:36 AM »
Hi Shade,
Just took a look at most of your journal. Well done for getting back on the horse after a setback - such a challenging thing to do.

Glad to hear your covid scare was just a scare. I had a scare too. Not too serious either, but it made me think about my mortality, I mean - I will die one day; I try not to think about it, but it was somehow illuminated now and a scary thought. But I'm grateful for it ,and i tap into that feeling and try not to fall into old ways. In touch with my mortality like that, i was grateful of every moment, not petty or moaning, or willing to waste my time on any bad habits. Onward!