Journals > Ages 30-39

I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery

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ShadeTrenicin:
Hi everybody,

This is my first post as part of a journal I want to keep here.
I'm a Dutch guy, in his mid-thirties and I am addicted to porn, specifically webcamporn.

Last week I finally told my wife, who thought I've stopped doing it since 8 years ago. But in truth I was addicted. It took me a long time to accept this part of myself, but now that I have accepted it, all the symptoms are recognizable to me. The tricky thing is that I've had this addiction for almost 18 years. I've had internet(and so porn) access since I was around 13, but, when I was around 17/18 I discovered Webcam sex through MSN (ohh the good old days). Which was wat really hooked me.

It became an obsession. It was easy for me. I had a lot of insecurities from when I was young and bullied, so a low self esteem was easy pickings for the Webcam sex addiction. It felt good to get my confidence boosted through meaningless Webcam sex. So I became a hunter; multiple accounts, adding girls by the masses, from chat boxes or wherever. And meanwhile I had gotten an actual girlfriend. But because of all the hunting the actual goal of sex (meaningful and mutual connection and satisfaction) was lost to me. I was disconnected, did not give her the attention that she needed, did not put any effort in wooing her. I was approaching it as I was approaching me hunt; without emotion, running on auto pilot, completely lost to what it actually means to have sex. With the webcamsex I could just do my thing and then stop the conversation. I had gotten my boost (at that point it wasn’t even the boost in confidence anymore, but a compulsory need to finish a hunt).

But then it all came out, my wife, then still girlfriend, found out and we had huge fights about it. And god she was so forgiving. But me, stupid me, so disconnected from my emotions, stuffed al my insecurities away so deep that I couldn’t really let her in with the effect that I continued my addiction… So the years passed, MSN changed to chatrooms, streaming sites, and now random chat sites.. The hunt wasn’t enough anymore, I started watching porn in parallel to hunting on those random webcam chat sites.. And in between I still did not have a connection with my wife, the sex went terrible because I didn’t open myself, but she kept trying and trying and fighting and fighting.

So I could go on like this for PAGES, of me lying to cover up my addiction (which I only started acklowleging as an addiction since 1 week ago), my wife fighting like crazy for our marriage and me not letting her in.

The bottom line is; I am an addict.  I fap on the toilet at work, I leave bed at night to fap, and the need for more extreme porn has also gotten me to the point that it disgusted me. (I think I can consider myself lucky that I didn’t develop PIED). I kept it hidden for 8 years from my wife. I did not put in any effort to improve things in our sex life to the point that we stopped having sex. I wrecked my marriage.

And despite of all that, she forgave me. She actually forgave me. I have no idea why or how, but she is so full of love and understanding to a point that I think that I don’t deserve her, and that there are plenty of other men out there who will give her the attention and effort. But, she still choses to be with me (although I shouldn’t push it further of course).

And although she is so forgiving and full of love, I broke her, I wrecked her completely, worn her down to the point of having no more desire to live..  And that is unforgivable to me..

That’s why ( a little late, I know) im writing this right now on this forum; NO MORE! I stopped watchin porn about 10 days ago and stopped fapping 9 days ago. I’ve deleted all useless apps from my phone (9gag, snapchat, everything that wastes time) and I’ve installed a good blocker. I started reading on here, bought the book Your brain on porn and watched some youtube videos about porn addiction.

So the beginning is here.

What I want to focus on now is to keep rebooting. I also want to learn to love myself (because that’s what made me love the attention of webcamsex, the confirmation of me being worth it). Not loving myself also made me believe that I am not worthy of love, which in its own turn made me close my heart to my wife and thus preventing me from growing emotionally. Now I want to connect to my wife again, let her in, truly appreciate her for the beautiful person she is and also have an eye for her needs and emotions and eventually give her the attention and affection she needs so that I can please her again.

Thank you guys for reading, I will try to keep a nice progress report every once in a while and be involde in the forum, reading your stories, tips tricks and success stories.

ShadeTrenicin:
Update, up until I wrote my introductionary post I had yet to have a withdrawal symptomn. But today on the train back from work I experienced the first cravings to look at porn. The funny thing is that the trigger cam from reading in the book your brain on porn  :o

Anyway, I managed to control it and discussed it with my wife.

I am really curious how my desires / urges will out themselves.

JordanJCaron:
Great for you for control it! Your story resonates with me as we're close to same age.

Although it had come out in my relationship that I watched porn, I still felt shame from it and lied about the fact that after sex I would watch a quick clip of porn to finish myself off. It wasn't until we had serious problems that we both knew this was a porn addiction. Like your partner mine was so supportive and forgiving. I didn't realize how hard it would be to overcome as in any addiction and I didn't make the changes  while we were together and just now it's all sunk in and I am making the changes to overcome it.

I look forward to following you and your journey!

stepbystep:
Good job on being accountable. You did the hardest thing, which is to be honest and tell someone about it. Hang in there and keep strong!

ShadeTrenicin:
Thank you both for the encouragement, it means a lot.

So far, no flatline (yet) but since me and the wive don't have sex at the moment I tend to be really, really exited. A lot. I do feel the change;my fantasies are changing from jst wanting to bend someone over a chair to wanting to do the foreplay, the bonding, connecting. And funnily enough my wife is now the center of my (uncontrollable) fantasies.

Of course I do also feel the withdrawal symptoms. Urges to grab my phone, flee to the shower and look up that which disgusts me(the P I used to watch but is not my sexual preference) .. So I just leavey phone with my wife when I shower.

So far it is battling urges mostly, but I'm going on strong. This is day 13!!!

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