Author Topic: Orbiters Journal of Recovery  (Read 12829 times)

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #200 on: June 26, 2020, 05:23:08 PM »
Thanks for your support guys. It's always appreciated but even more so at low points like this.

Icandoit: I agree totally with the bingeing advice. I've certainly done it myself after the majority of relapses in the past. I seem to be getting somewhat better avoiding this but I feel now is especially important after a long streak to get back on track and not lose any progress I may have made.

Imsorrynotsorry: I feel setback or failure without reflection or any learning is so often waste of a chance to grow and move forward isn't it? I'll be doing all I can to get back on track today, that I can guarantee.

Shade: Thanks as always for the support and well wishes. I have reflected on this a bit and this is what I have come up with so far...

First, I was using my internet machines at night which I shouldn't have been doing. Usually I leave them outside my room before bedtime and try not to use them at all in privacy. I was not doing this yesterday because my flatmate has a guest over from interstate who seems to be around more than I was expecting and the only space I could get to do work on the computer was in my room. Ditto the phone.

Secondly I did not adequately occupy myself during yesterday, which was important considering the dreams and urges I was having. Once again, our place is small and it's hard to get things done around here when there's someone living in the communal room drinking & socialising. My creative interests mainly consist of music so noise can be an issue with guests.

Perhaps I should have arranged to stay at a friends place or my fathers instead for the night? Perhaps the laptop and phone should've been pushed under the bed after 8pm irregardless of circumstances? Perhaps I need an activity to occupy myself that doesn't involve a computer or loud noise between 8pm and bed time?

These are all things that I will make an effort to put in place so if I find myself in this situation again, i've got a way to manage it without relapsing.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #201 on: June 28, 2020, 04:36:51 AM »
Relapsed again earlier today. Pulled myself together and was productive after but still annoyed at the setback. Gotta get myself back on track.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #202 on: June 29, 2020, 07:52:49 AM »
Short entry today. It was a busy day but I managed everything ok I think. No time to think about the relapse or any urges but there weren't any so that's ok too. I'll make a more detail entry tomorrow.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #203 on: June 30, 2020, 07:30:38 AM »
Another short entry for another busy day. I'm doing okay though. I hope everyone else is too.

Icandoit

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #204 on: June 30, 2020, 08:14:12 AM »
For me, the hardest days are the first days after the relapse because I have that chaser effect. After that it gets better. Don't listen to that addicted voice and you should do fine.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #205 on: July 02, 2020, 06:39:10 AM »
Totally right Icandoit. Unfortunately I relapsed again.

Must break the cycle...

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #206 on: July 03, 2020, 03:07:31 AM »
Hey buddy,

Suck that you've relapsed again man. Seems like you're having difficulty with the chaser effect.
A short while ago you've had a pretty nice streak of 3 weeks.. Do you know what is the difference between then and now?


Stay strong my friend, we will beat it together!
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #207 on: July 04, 2020, 02:05:49 AM »
Hi Shade,

I think i'm struggling with my resolve to stay away after relapsing yes. Exhaustion, particularly from work, has been playing a big part in that. The other thing would be that to an extent I have been losing focus of my goals (the financial goals, personal & health stuff, creative pursuits etc) that I had set myself back in May. The good news is I am on leave from work for a week and I have a lot of time now to get things back on track.

It's crazy how much harder life is when relapsing on even a weekly basis. That alone is a strong motivator to get things back on track I feel.

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #208 on: July 05, 2020, 05:16:47 AM »
You named it. The chaser can be so strong and that happens to me even when i O with the GF. The urges come or the libido is up in a weird way.
Good thing, chaser fades after a week i guess? At least, that's my experience with it.

Icandoit

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #209 on: July 05, 2020, 05:52:03 AM »
You named it. The chaser can be so strong and that happens to me even when i O with the GF. The urges come or the libido is up in a weird way.
Good thing, chaser fades after a week i guess? At least, that's my experience with it.

That's what I tell to guys who ask if it's alright to masturbate without porn and flashbacks/fantasies. I've tried that and the chaser effect was even more annoying than the hard urges themselves. It was definitely not worth it. I've realized that hardmode was the best for me. It is brutal but the safest way for me. Nothing really worked and I've tried reducing, masturbating without porn or masturbating to softer stuff and it failed me and returned me back to my binge hardcore routine.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #210 on: July 05, 2020, 05:54:11 AM »
Hey Orbiter,

The reasons you mentioned for your relapses are something that I recognise 100% so i hope that in your time off you will find your center and focus again. ALso, what Imsorrynotsorry mentioned; within that week of relapsing the chaser effect is still strong so it may seem like an inevitable cycle. Fortunately it's not inevitable


good luck my friend..
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #211 on: July 06, 2020, 07:22:06 AM »
All very valuable observations. Thanks guys!

Imsorry - I think the worst part of the chaser urges is not even how strong they are but how DECEPTIVE they can be. All of my relapses over the last two months were already happening before I even realised it. It can be difficult sometimes when you're busy and dealing with other things in life to check yourself and stay aware. Saying that, you're right in that it does pass if you stay vigilant for the first week after. Those first seven or eight days are the ones to be on high alert, realising this has made things easier, knowing that there's some light at the end of the tunnel after.

Icandoit - Yeah MO is a no-go for me as well. I actually tried MOing every day while rebooting a few months or so back to see if it worked once and for all. The PMO urges were still just as strong and the withdrawals were the same, the only difference was I felt far more tired and the chaser effect you mentioned was ever present. I wound up relapsing at the usual 5-7 day mark I was stuck in. No positive difference whatsoever for me. It may be different for others but I know it doesn't work for me.

Shade - It's only been a few days so far but it has been good. Lots of creative work and small goals in that area have been completed already. I'm planning to go away to the country for a couple of nights to break out of my routine and spend some time in a different environment. I booked the hotel just now and i'm really looking forward to it. Hooray for holidays!

That about sums things up at the moment. It's day 4 I guess and urges are tricky but mild. Still dealing with that brain-foggy, seedy, crappy feeling after PMO-ing too frequently. With that said, I feel like I am getting myself back on track at last and clear-headed enough to know nothing PMO related is tempting or good for me in any way.

Hope you are all doing well. I'll keep you all updated.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #212 on: July 07, 2020, 05:24:50 PM »
So it looks like due to Covid restrictions, I won't be able to leave my city for my holiday and everythings returning back to lockdown which is disappointing to say the least. The accomodation won't refund my booking either which is frustrating considering I booked it less than 12 hours before lockdown returned. No idea how this will affect work or anything else at the moment but at least I still have my health (so far) right?

Over the last two or so days. I feel like i've been in a very strange place & mood. Neither good nor bad, just sort of empty & vacant. Perhaps it's the exhaustion? Or maybe just all the events of this year catching up with me now I don't have work as a distraction. Not sure what to write or think of at the moment but at least i'm staying clean and trying to stay busy.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #213 on: July 09, 2020, 10:33:30 PM »
Today it feels like the fog I have been in throughout my break and since my last few relapses is finally beginning to dissipate. Due to statewide stay at home orders, I have been focusing on my creative projects and matters around the house. I shall use both and the time to reflect to keep me occupied until I am back at work, it will be interesting to see how the current situation affects it.

So far today i've had some faint, fleeting urges which were quickly and easy to dismiss and ignore. Mood and libido are overall flat in the way it has been for much of the last two months.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #214 on: Today at 03:59:32 AM »
Hey Orbiter,

That sense of relief after the dissipating brain fog is always welcome! Like switching from seeing the world in HD to seeing it in 8K!
Keeping busy, especially in times of lockdown, is much needed. So what's the lockdown look down under? Are you like grounded to your home or can you visit the hardware store 'n stuff like that?


Good luck my friend, you seem to be aware and well under way! I'm rooting for you
--------
Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0