Author Topic: My journal, my friend  (Read 6390 times)

Orbiter

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #125 on: September 25, 2020, 04:16:09 PM »
At the end of the day, I believe it depends on you, it depends on her and it depends on the dynamic of your relationship and how much strain you, her or it can take. This is a complex issue and certainly not black & white.

I feel it wasn't clear in my original post but I should say that I AM NOT condoning lying to a partner, down-playing or trivialising her concerns, gas-lighting or any kind of manipulative, potentially abusive behaviour to cover up destructive, addictive habits. Trust & honesty is the foundation of all relationships human beings have with each other on every level and this is important to consider too. If it has reached a point the relationship is deteriorating from a lack of honesty, it is probably already long past the time to sit down and have an honest conversation about what is going on.

I guess i just feel this can too often go the opposite way in that people overshare in the hopes that it will ease their guilt over their own actions. People can also share to displace the burden of their addiction onto another person to make themselves feel better. There can be selfish motivations for sharing as well. Consideration should be given to their feelings, the relationship and how much is appropriate to share at a given time.

Addiction thrives in isolation and also creates it. I believe it is important at some point to open up to a partner about your struggles. I just think depending on where you're at in your recovery, you need to be careful of what you share, how much you share and honestly consider your reasons for doing so as well as what effect it will have on then and your recovery.

Everyone's different and every relationship is different. I guess what i'm trying to say is be careful, think before saying and make sure when you do it's the right decision for you and for your partner.

EDIT: Poor grammar.
« Last Edit: September 25, 2020, 04:20:34 PM by Orbiter »

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #126 on: September 25, 2020, 04:20:36 PM »
(this post was written simultaneously with Orbiters last post)
When does an addict know 'if things are under control' ? You see, it's complicated. I did for years keep dark corners in my mind to conserve P there, just for the time i needed it. If one opens up to the partner, one can lighten up these corners and make it way harder for the addiction to exist, because it's 'out there'. It will be helpful in the end, i'm sure. Also if you suffer from severe PIED and your relationship is suffering because of it, then it's helpful to tell the partner, that there's a cause to it. Otherwise the partner might start looking for mistakes by themselves.

A few days ago i realised that i can talk and have fun with some old friends i've met, but i can't show any vulnerability to them. I don't feel that there is the moment or the real interest in my problems, nor talking about my emotions and weaknesses. I made me real sad, that i don't have friends around me where i could open up about what isn't working right. Here in RN we talk about our really personal things all the time, but in the 'outside world' there are only few places where i can be open about my emotions.
In my family there is no place for such a thing. I realised quite early that i don't must bother my parents with my emotions or anything, it was too much i guess. It's a huge maybe, but _maybe_ this also contributed to the growth of my P addiction. In my early teenage years, there was my mom with her new husband. Looking out for themselves.
And i just didn't learn to focus on my emotions at times. Nowadays i know better to stop for a while, asking my inner self what kind of emotion is there and what's bugging me and why. Then i talk to my GF about it. This should happen more often.

I would like to avoid MO for all time, if possible. I want to overwrite all the memorys with real intimacy with the GF. I don't want to give in to any kind of fetish thought or whatever. They most dangerous moment for a relapse is still coming home drunk. This must be avoided.

It's 180 days today and i want to thank all of you guys coming here and helping me in overcoming this. Especially i want to thank Shade, Orbiter, bilbobaggins, EarthWalker, babysteps, DoneAtLast and GabeDeem for creating and running this special space. I really appreciate the contributions from everyone in here.
I've come far now, but there is still a long way to go. I know about a few things in the upcoming months that could make my life way harder than it is right now. Most of them things are of private nature with the GF. Therefore, in matters of PMO, i want to reach christmas with a clean sheet. This is another 90+ days from today.

As i said before, i'm trying to come to RN only 2-3 times a week. Happy to see you guys again.

Imsor

EarthWalker

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #127 on: September 26, 2020, 03:49:43 AM »
Hi, Imsor.

Awesome! I am very happy for you. Thank you for sharing your journey.

I think visiting a few days per week is still plenty. I like how you are keeping your guard up.

Have a great day.
EW
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imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #128 on: September 26, 2020, 04:10:01 AM »
Even tough i've reached a landmark yesterday i have to make an emergency post today.

This morning when my GF and i were getting intimate, i couldn't stay hard. I felt so emberassed and also lost in my thoughts. Why is this happening and why is it happening after everything was working fine? I'm pretty frustrated right now, the feelings are still very fresh.

Maybe i lied to myself over the last two weeks. My libido decreased slowly and i felt it before we tried to be intimate, but i don't wanted it to be real. My libido has gone, and maybe EarthWalker, you we're right, i'm in a flatline again? Any thoughts on that from someone? I didn't MO'd or PMO'd, i didn't craved for anything. 2 Weeks ago, when i was in vacation with my GF everything was fine and we had sex a couple of times.

Now, opening up to my GF is quite an option. I said that i'm sorry and i don't understand why this is happening and she was all okay with it. It happens from time to time and she remembered that it happend more often when we got together nearly 8 years ago (after my first reboot). So, for her to understand that fuzz it's helpful to know. I have to find the right time.

I feel bad, i'm asking myself questions and i'm frustrated. Things come to mind 'what if _she_ isn't the right person for me?' and this really is making me sad, that i was thinking such a thing and not even knowing if it's real or not. Not nice and i hope, even tough i have no idea why, things improve somehow.

Of course i keep hanging onto the reboot, but this period is not what i expected. I want to overcome this and it shows me even more how bad that addiction is. PMO gave me nothing good, absolutely nothing of it is good.

EarthWalker

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« Reply #129 on: September 26, 2020, 04:26:06 AM »
Hi Imsor.

Good. This is all normal. Part of the process. You will be fine.

Back to basics. Relax. Create distance between thoughts/triggers and response. Remember why you are doing the reboot.

Source the thought. What if _she_ isn't the right person for me? Where is this coming from? Is this coming from the addiction or is this the real you talking?

Talk to your body. What do your sexual organs tell you? What is your body telling you?

Maybe you need a period where the goal isn't to O? Gabe talks a bit about this kareeza. Maybe something to explore?

In any case. Take it easy. Don't be too hard on yourself. You'll figure it out. Have faith in the future. This will all make sense looking back.

Much love
EW
« Last Edit: September 26, 2020, 04:28:05 AM by EarthWalker »
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Orbiter

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #130 on: September 26, 2020, 05:47:41 AM »
What EarthWalker said ^

Try to relax, put yourself in a place where you feel comfortable, free of distractions and take some deep breaths.

It could be a flatline, it could be you've got too much on your mind, perhaps there's a mental barrier to address. Just remember that going soft once in a while or just not being hard enough happens sometimes.

It's nothing to panic about and NOT A BIG DEAL. Just relax for awhile and wait until you're feeling it again. You've gone 180 days (incredible by the way) so what's taking it easy for a few until you've got a bit of your 'mojo' back? Just relax, don't force yourself to do anything you're not feeling and make sure not to overthink it.

You've got this!


imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #131 on: September 27, 2020, 04:15:09 PM »
Hey EarthWalker and Orbiter,

thank you very much for your responses and you both are absolutely right.

It's just that i can't "feel" anything down there right now. Normally i feel that if i would touch myself, it would just cost me a minute to O, but this exact feeling has vanished. This causes anxiety over a long period flatline and this leads to a feeling of sadness, to be honest with you. I don't want to be sad, but it's like this.

I want to start with a yoga routine to increase or awake libido again. I hopefully find the time to manage the routine daily, but at first i have to learn the exercises correctly before i start. I tried one routine today and it felt good.

For the next weeks i want to stop drinking alcohol. It's not good for me right now.

Today i spoke with the GF again about what happened yesterday and that i'm not feeling good about it. We hadn't had much time for this exact conversation and i felt that it's not the best occasion today to open up about PMO completely. I said that we must catch up on this again. She knows that i struggled with PMO in my past, but i have to be honest with the fact that i fell back during our relationship and only stopped completely 6 months ago. It will be no fun, but if troubles with flatlines continue, it's better that she is aware and knows what hardmode means, when i think i need a hard mode.

Today and yesterday morning wood was 9/10, but didn't last long after waking up. Libido is not existing.

Day 182:
Urge to PMO 0,4/10
Libido 0/10
Beer consumption 6/10
Chocolade 6/10
Morning wood 5/10

Orbiter

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #132 on: September 27, 2020, 08:48:42 PM »
Sounds like a positive, practical plan of action Imsor.

Looking forward to reading about how it goes!

EarthWalker

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #133 on: September 28, 2020, 03:29:21 AM »
Hi, Imsor.

Awesome to read your post. You went over the addiction curve ball as it were a speed bump. Just keep on driving. Awesome!

Quote
I want to start with a yoga routine to increase or awake libido again.

It feels to me like you are trying to control the outcome. Control the situation. Maybe having preference for the outcome is preferable? Maybe take a bit of a step back and allow for the libido to return on it's own time? When the body will be ready? You cannot control everything. I find it exhausting to try and control everything.

Looking forward to reading your journal. Thank you for sharing.

EW
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imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #134 on: September 28, 2020, 04:23:30 PM »
I see your point EarthWalker. Allowing it to just be there and do nothing, can be a good thing to unstress myself and give my body the time it needs. I want to do that with my thoughts, i don't want to be stressed because of it. For me, some yoga gives me the space to relax in the brain and focus on my libido. It's a bit like, there's a problem and i care for it, so i can be at ease. But again, thanks for that advice. Maybe it will help me when times get worse.

I learned a bit about the yoga routine today. Maybe i can share it when i know what i'm talking about.

I will write in some other journals asap, but right now i have to deal with my stuff.

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #135 on: September 29, 2020, 02:48:35 PM »
I finally opened up about the addiction to my GF and told her about the addiction. I opened up about some stuff without being super exact about dates, i wanted to tell her that PMO is an issue for me and  i'm afraid the libido drop is connected to the addiction. It went well.

The conversation started about me not feeling completely at health at the moment and we talked about what might is bugging me. And i said, some stuff yes, but the most is the no libido / ED part. From there we talked about everything that causes ED in life in general, then i threw in my addiction part and told her that ED is a symptom of PMO. She took it as another item on the list of probable causes and she didn't ask any more questions. I told her that the brain needs time and some guys struggle years after they stop PMO with ED. We talked a bit about it, not very deep though. It was nice that she recognized that i'm afraid of it and that it puts pressure on me. That i definitey don't need and we agreed that there must not be a situation soon where we would be intimate soon.

I'm a bit relieved now and i see that this whole topic isn't that big as i think it is in my brain. Anyway, i feel i can open up about it a bit more easier to her. Not too bad. I would've also understand her being completely upset about it, but that wasn't the case.

This was the huge thing today.
For my yoga project i got closer to my routine, the mula bandha and the breathing, also some kegel exercises. And i've learned, for having libido one needs dopamin and testosteron.
Will keep you updated on this.

Orbiter

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #136 on: September 29, 2020, 10:49:54 PM »
I supppose sometimes all it takes is to be brave. Sounds like you made an important step with just the right amount of honesty and tact. Hopefully having had this discuss and the issue being more out in the open has put some of your recent concerns about performance in perspective.

Good luck with the routine too. Keep us updated on how it's going.

beautywaytraveler

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #137 on: September 30, 2020, 07:40:08 PM »
Hello imsor,

We have talked on my thread before and I have seen you post on others occasionally, but this will be my first commenting on your thread. Cheers! I know many are grateful for you insight and  kind words, I am one of them. So firstly, thank you!

I see that you had a problem with ED recently. I was trying to see if you mentioned anything about your diet and excercise and stuff of that nature. Not to be judgemental but perhaps that could be one of the reasons for ED. I just thought I might share that.

I hope everything goes well in your relationship!
"You cannot heal in the environment that made you sick."

EarthWalker

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #138 on: October 01, 2020, 02:13:16 AM »
Great to hear this Imsor. Just wanted to add that it is fine to say that you don't feel like going deeper into the details of X topic at this time as you don't find it will be productive at this time. This is perfectly valid strategy.

Wish you all the best
EW
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“It's a luxury to pursue what makes you happy; it's a moral obligation to pursue what you find meaningful.”
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imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #139 on: October 01, 2020, 04:40:56 PM »
I believe that there is no special cause for my PIED but PMO.
But i remember i O'd with my GF 3 or 4 times in vacation, 3 weeks ago.
After the vacation i tried to not 'glance' at girls too hard, because i sometimes can't look away. I'm still trying this, with medium success.
Also after the vacation i had 3 nights out with a lot of alcohol, thanks to my friends.
Diet didn't change, still doing intermediate fasting, which is a power booster for me.
I still exercise 2-3 times a week, didn't change anything here.
Time will show, i have to be patient.

This night i had a PMO dream. It was ugly and i was an observer. I really wanted to be in the act, but they didn't let me and finally i realized how absurd it all was. Then i woke up with my man hard. I checked if i had a wet dream, but i hadn't.

Maybe i'm overthinking this topic right now a bit too much and i give myself this weekend free of RN.

I've managed to not drink alcohol since last saturday. Great!

Day 186:
Urge to PMO 0,5/10
Libido 0,5/10
Beer consumption 4/10
Chocolade 6/10
Morning wood 4/10

EarthWalker

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #140 on: October 02, 2020, 02:53:40 AM »
Looks like alcohol might be a major contributing factor to the loss of libido.

Had a similar experience with dreams today.

Have a great weekend.
EW
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“It's a luxury to pursue what makes you happy; it's a moral obligation to pursue what you find meaningful.”
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imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #141 on: October 07, 2020, 03:31:41 PM »
Days turned by and now its wednesday. To abstain from RN was surprinsingly easy for me, because i have a lot on my mind these days and also a lot of work.

I can feel my libido is coming back, because i can feel my man down there wanting something. This definitely has changed, but if i'm ready for O with the GF i don't know. No need for a rush here.

The last days i tried to improve my yoga routine. This isn't easy if you really want to do the exercises right. I mean, there a so many details with every part of your body if you want to do it completely right. So i started to learn the down dog correctly and the cow/cat pose. Have to hold on to this.

During the weekend i had some urge to MO and just reward myself with an O, since Oing with the GF seemed to be a bit uneasy. This is my mind playing tricks. I know Oing with the GF isn't easy, but MO is just no solution for anything, right?

I'm too tired today, will catch up another day more.

Day 192:
Urge to PMO 1/10
Libido 1/10
Beer consumption 2/10
Chocolade 6/10
Morning wood 4/10

EarthWalker

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #142 on: October 08, 2020, 01:33:02 AM »
Hi, imsorrynotsorry.

Great to hear things are moving well for you. Fwiw, I also don't feel like posting much lately.

Right. It is a trick. You have a GF. O with her and not with your hand. Simple.

EW
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=18519.0
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“It's a luxury to pursue what makes you happy; it's a moral obligation to pursue what you find meaningful.”
Reboot Timeline Workbook | https://docdro.id/pB7oOsI (A4) | https://docdro.id/upFn48Z (US)

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #143 on: October 16, 2020, 01:22:55 PM »
Hello guys,

it's been a while and i don't have much of a explanation for that. I was just happy going to bed early every day and do a lot of work in the basement on my bicycles. Also i took care of a lot of things in the flat. Sometimes i feel like i have endless energy to do things, which is good.

PMO wasn't a huge thing in the last two weeks. My libido is a bit higher, maybe in a normal area, i don't know. The GF and i haven't tested my abilities yet to have an erection. She's still easy about my problem and she doesn't think that it's a big thing and trusts that it will come back eventually. We'll see and i'm optimistic it will. As a cause i think i O'd a bit too much before my flatline occured, maybe?! Anyway, i hold on to the progress which is happening in my brain.

Since about three weeks i abstained from alcohol, which is good. It helps me focusing on my sports, since i really want to drop 3 kgs. Sadly i didn't find the time much to advance in my yoga routine.

My morning wood comes and goes, my libido is there but not really present. Overall i feel very good, i have great motivation and confidence. Beside that my GF and i still have to face some doctors when it comes to fertility issues. This is kind of a downer in my mood, because we don't know exactly what that does mean for us in the future.

Yesterday was day 200 and i can't believe what i achieved this year. I quitted smoking last christmas completely, i did manage to not PMO since 200 days and i'm focused on my running. Most parts of my life are great and i'm thankful for that. For the PMO part i'm also very thankful to you guys.

Day 201:
Urge to PMO 1/10
Libido 2/10
Beer consumption 1/10
Chocolade 4/10
Morning wood 4/10

EarthWalker

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #144 on: October 17, 2020, 03:07:15 AM »
Hi, imsor.

I am very happy to read that you are doing very well. Congratulations on 200. Keep it up. Totally understandable that you will be spending less and less time here.

About the fertility. It is very stressful time in the external. Maybe wait until this BS calms down a bit. Also maybe not the best time to go around doctors. YMMW.

Wish you all the best
EW
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=18519.0
https://www.patreon.com/gabedeem/

“It's a luxury to pursue what makes you happy; it's a moral obligation to pursue what you find meaningful.”
Reboot Timeline Workbook | https://docdro.id/pB7oOsI (A4) | https://docdro.id/upFn48Z (US)

Bilbo Baggins

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #145 on: October 19, 2020, 10:42:49 PM »
Hi friend! Good to see you are holding on and that things are going well for you. I'm just a few days behind you, and I feel you and me are improving at the same pace. I don't know how long it will take us to heal, but what matters is that we're staying away from porn. Keep up the good work! Take care.

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #146 on: October 20, 2020, 01:03:48 PM »
Hello guys,

it's been a while and i don't have much of a explanation for that. I was just happy going to bed early every day and do a lot of work in the basement on my bicycles. Also i took care of a lot of things in the flat. Sometimes i feel like i have endless energy to do things, which is good.

PMO wasn't a huge thing in the last two weeks. My libido is a bit higher, maybe in a normal area, i don't know. The GF and i haven't tested my abilities yet to have an erection. She's still easy about my problem and she doesn't think that it's a big thing and trusts that it will come back eventually. We'll see and i'm optimistic it will. As a cause i think i O'd a bit too much before my flatline occured, maybe?! Anyway, i hold on to the progress which is happening in my brain.

Since about three weeks i abstained from alcohol, which is good. It helps me focusing on my sports, since i really want to drop 3 kgs. Sadly i didn't find the time much to advance in my yoga routine.

My morning wood comes and goes, my libido is there but not really present. Overall i feel very good, i have great motivation and confidence. Beside that my GF and i still have to face some doctors when it comes to fertility issues. This is kind of a downer in my mood, because we don't know exactly what that does mean for us in the future.

Yesterday was day 200 and i can't believe what i achieved this year. I quitted smoking last christmas completely, i did manage to not PMO since 200 days and i'm focused on my running. Most parts of my life are great and i'm thankful for that. For the PMO part i'm also very thankful to you guys.

Day 201:
Urge to PMO 1/10
Libido 2/10
Beer consumption 1/10
Chocolade 4/10
Morning wood 4/10

Wow more than 200 days. Respect Thats great. Also that you did change so many things during the reboot time! Keep going! You will achieve your goals!

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #147 on: Today at 02:21:33 AM »
Hey guys,

last saturday i O'd with the GF and everything worked fine again. I'm happy for that and i felt it coming, that it will work again.

Also my morning wood is quite present.

Beside that all i've thought about the stimulus in general and thought of me and my brother. We both have that longing for more, he in other ways and i satisfied myself with PMO. It feels like something in my childhood taught me that i need 'more' and that normal stimulus isn't enough. So, my theory is that somehow i always think that there must be more, a super stimulus like PMO. As long as i don't get behind this, it's a threat to me and my reboot.

Day 211:
Urge to PMO 1/10
Libido 4/10
Beer consumption 1/10
Chocolade 5/10
Morning wood 5/10

SebNZ

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #148 on: Today at 06:47:33 AM »
That's good news regarding your GF.

I still have no morning wood :D Hoping that will come back at some point, even though it can be annoying if you want to go to the bathroom!