Author Topic: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.  (Read 1589 times)

k-fff

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #100 on: January 12, 2020, 11:49:04 PM »
Day 3
Exhausted. No urges.

Reasons why I want to quit porn. It makes feel depressed and anxious. It causes severe insomnia which I have been experiencing for the past 3 days. It makes me less interested in real women. It makes sex way less enjoyable. It gives me brain fog and inability to focus. I am gaining control of myself more and more.

k-fff

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #101 on: January 14, 2020, 07:51:09 AM »
Day 4&5
Day 4 was busy had dinner with a female coworker which there is too much mutual attraction between us and it is bit of a unexplored area. Anyway got to bed no urges just tired. Today day 5 similar stuff, very exhausted can't wait till I go on vacation.

One thing of note that has been really bothering me since my last relapse. My last relapse, my brain starting inserting porn into everywhere when I was trying to sleep all kinds of disturbing dreams and I felt half awake throughout all of it. I felt really horrible afterwards and exhausted.

The reason why I want to quit porn. I hate it. It makes me depressed and anxious. It screws up my mind in a variety of ways after using and I find I can't sleep. It is making my interactions with real people less important. I also noticed I appreciated touch cuddling so much more when  I almost made it to two weeks. I feel abnormal and ashamed when I use. I lose my sense of pride every time I relapse. I don't ever want to be old and still addicted to this mental and spiritual poison. I am regaining my control every day and every time I get back right on the horse after relapsing the quicker I can heal.

k-fff

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #102 on: January 15, 2020, 04:39:04 AM »
Day 6
Depressed. I have too many feelings for that coworker and  I feel like there is just this wall between us. Not to mention, I always seem to really fall for girls that love attention. Bad taste definitely. I haven't been feeling any urges these past days. I have been exhausted. I will be flying to another city on friday. I don't know how much I look forward to seeing that friend. God, I hate liking this person. I successfully distracted myself from her for months why does this hurt so much now. Maybe because I feel used. I suspect I will get urges around day 11 like usual. I think I am gonna post a lot here during that time to try and help myself because last times I avoided here out of shame of wanting to relapse. I know I can reach two weeks I just need to set up my schedule where I am doing something else besides watching p. Today and tomorrow will be very busy because I have to move my stuff to a friend's apartment and prep for my flight. I hate how I feel at the moment, but I have never medicated my sadness or depression with p so I have no desire to which I find as a blessing. Right now, I am quite frustrated and I hope i can enjoy the 4 days with my friend. After that, I plan to spend this month reading and working out. I have a month long vacation which is nice. Hopefully, will have a competition in March or April. I am feeling really tired of China though lately. Being in a foreign country things start to wear on you.
Reasons why I want to quit porn. It causes severe brain fog and depression. I can tell just after 5 days that I have some more clarity. I get more anxiety and I lose self respect everytime I use. The edging makes my brain feel like a lightbulb and it become severely burnt out after using. It sucks away my time and makes it so I cannot focus on my hobbies and other people. I feel enormously drained after using and moody. I want to accomplish more in my life so I need that sexual energy and motivation. I am regaining control everyday and I have felt the benefits after a little over a week.

k-fff

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #103 on: January 15, 2020, 10:56:53 PM »
Day 7
I did not sleep well again. I woke up with an erection and a need to pee. It kept me awake and I completely awoke by the time I went to the bathroom. I MO'ed to get rid of the random erections and to help sleep went easy enough. I didn't really fall back asleep so I am really tired and I need to move a bunch of stuff. I must be going through withdrawals still. It will be nice to go on vacation since pretty much every girl I was interested or had a thing with is no with or dating someone else. Some seriously bad luck all at once too haha. I feel quite stressed and really tired. I have had no urges at all even on the computer. I suspect I get urges mainly in response to boredom and repeat exposure to triggers on streaming websites. I am happy after today it will be a week again. It feels good to be moving forward again. Even though, I am depressed about the situation I currently find myself I am not losing control.
Reasons why I want to quit porn,
It makes me depressed and anxious. It gives me brain fog. It causes insomnia like now. It drains my time and the time I spend engaging with this addiction leaves me no time for much of anything else. I want to keep accomplishing things in my life and this is a necessary correction. I am regaining control every day.

k-fff

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #104 on: January 16, 2020, 02:26:26 AM »
Relapsed again. shit was not prepared for those urges came all of a sudden on the computer. No bingeing. I guess stress is still a trigger. Even though, I wasn't thinking I will go home and relapse. No wait, it came from pictures and ads on a website that I was not expecting shit.

k-fff

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #105 on: January 19, 2020, 01:33:11 AM »
Everything came to head recently. Vacation was bad. I binged. I don't know what I want or what I am looking for anymore. Ending things completely with my ex swept out a large amount of emotional support I had in China. I have other friends  here, but right now, they are all on vacation. I should have went with them instead of visiting someone I don't even know anymore. I noticed now that for me, periods of extreme loneliness and boredom are my main triggers. I feel so empty right now and my relationship with my ex in part was destroyed because of my porn use. She hates herself because I want other girls with also hating me. i can't say I blame her. I guess it is poetic justice that the girl I had a fling with is now with someone else and other girls have started dating other people. I want to break this habit. I just chose to relapse today out of a sense of boredom and mindless pleasure seeking. Lately, I have not been able to escape myself. For the rest of this month long holiday, which I have squandered 3 days of already. I am going to spend on beating this addiction. I am gonna make myself a schedule and make it harder for me to reach porn. I have to hope now because I don't have anything in this country anymore all I can do is push forward for myself.

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #106 on: January 20, 2020, 10:35:28 PM »
Relapsed again. Did not sleep well at all got too hungry. I am mess lately and idk what to do.