Author Topic: Hell's cowboy - riding the bucking bronco into sexual freedom  (Read 1235 times)

kadeshzelbriel

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Re: Hell's cowboy - riding the bucking bronco into sexual freedom
« Reply #25 on: September 26, 2019, 08:16:29 PM »
Day 159. Had my one month "progress improvement plan" check in at work and they didn't fire me and I haven't pmo'd even through last week max frustration levels. I ate glass for breakfast a few days in a row (it was in my oats and it took me awhile to figure out what th extra crunch was) and I didn't die and I'm the fuckin King.
« Last Edit: September 26, 2019, 08:23:38 PM by kadeshzelbriel »

kadeshzelbriel

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Re: Hell's cowboy - riding the bucking bronco into sexual freedom
« Reply #26 on: October 20, 2019, 01:24:47 AM »
Aright fuckers here's what's up. I believe in us. Maybe im wrong but I do even if it's stupid.


life reclamation day 182. Half a year.


i've realized the life I set out to live through college and after is basically a failure. I say this without shame or despair, just honesty. i tried to be something and it didn't work.


im in the airport heading home from a family trip and I'm on that sharp edge between giving up and not and there's three things on my mind.


1) my high school sweetheart M. We had the most incredible romance and love that none of my relationships since have compared to at all. I've managed to visit whatever city she's lived in and meet her for coffee or whatever at least once a year since we broke up 8 years ago. we're friends, you know? last visit (this summer) she told me she's moving in with her boyfriend of two years, and shes scared because she feels like she'll always be in love with me. i said, "me too but I cant believe you just said that." I've thought about it a lot since then. this visit she wasn't available to meet with me - a first - and it has me filled up with wonder and sorrow and fear that makes no kinds of sense but there it is anyways. and I want to sit her down and remember the good times and tell her - if we want this, we can have it. and if not, why don't you love D and I'll love A with everything we've got and let that be how we love eachother from now on?


2) had dinner with my sister. she's working her ass off and went off on this incredible rant about how important and precious the opportunities she has right now are and how important it is to work her ass off to take the fullest possible advantage while she can. how much people are investing in her and believing in her and how much she owes her fullest possible efforts to them. It blew my mind and had me rethinking all the ways I take pressure off myself. She seems right - if the dream really matters, isn't it absolutely the right thing to do to feel some pressure, to let the stakes be high?


3) my work's old ED, G. G and I sat down to talk about strategy and why the new project I'm trying to get off the ground is failing. She said: you have to spend hours every week steeping yourself in the vision of what you're trying to accomplish. how it feels, what it fucking smells like. in a way that you personally believe in deeply. That if I don't really believe in it, no one will. that with every setback I've shrunken my vision of what we can accomplish, but the opposite is necessary. Only a big vision will get big results.


I'm telling myself: I can do it. I don't know how, but I know the next tiny step is looking for a way, without knowing. And, everything in me is saying I better quit, because the truth is right now I don't believe in myself or what we could accomplish.


I'm here to live my inner greatness, and maybe that doesn't mean saving the world, maybe it doesn't mean a high power career, maybe it doesn't mean getting it right the first or second time. but somehow it still means something. something less naive now, less pretty, less pure. I'm on the scent of it, rogue fugitive.


I know what it's like to go back to sleep, I know PMO is like a goddess waiting to cradle me and tuck me in to a bed of comforting illusions, and I want it, god I do.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Hell's cowboy - riding the bucking bronco into sexual freedom
« Reply #27 on: October 20, 2019, 05:13:51 PM »
life reclamation day 182. Half a year.

...

I know what it's like to go back to sleep, I know PMO is like a goddess waiting to cradle me and tuck me in to a bed of comforting illusions, and I want it, god I do.

First of all, congratulations on half a year! That's an exciting milestone and a sign that your efforts, even if they feel aimless sometimes, are paying off.

I'm right along with you in feeling like it would be easy, even after a long time away from PMO, that falling back into it would be so easy and familiar. On some level, it's true that I don't know 100% that all this effort to heal from this addiction is actually going to be worth it, but I really really trust that it will be. Each day, we take another tiny step into the unknown and learn something more about ourselves and the benefits of sticking to recovery. I don't know where this road will take me, but I know where it has brought me, and it's definitely somewhere better than where I was. Nothing wrong with tiny steps: they add up over time.

Just keep stepping!

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: Hell's cowboy - riding the bucking bronco into sexual freedom
« Reply #28 on: October 21, 2019, 04:05:19 PM »
Firstly congrats on making half a year! That's huge even if it doesn't feel like it.

For me, part of letting go of porn is letting go of my illusions about life, people, and objects. The more I let go of attachments, the more my life seems to look like how I imagined it, but also better.

This love you had with this woman sounds like it was beautiful while it lasted. It sounds like it could still be beautiful, if she would say something like that and you feel the same. But now is the time to act, if you still want her. If you really love someone, you would literally move mountains to be with them, no matter where they live or how impossible it might all seem. You would still try, regardless of the situation. That is how much you should love somebody, and one of the ways you can know if you are willing to commit to them for the rest of your life. If you have doubts about her, or a relationship between you two working out, then you are just deluding yourself with the idea of being with her and clinging to this old attachment because it feels familiar and the nostalgia is kind of nice. Now is the time to ask yourself this question: Am I ready to do whatever it takes to be with her?

If the answer is no, or maybe, or not sure, then you're not.

Sorry to give you hard talk on this one dude, but I've loved and lost and know what it's like, and it's not easy to let go but you have to eventually. I do not believe that you can continue being friends now with this person with the type of history you have together, if you are not going to be together ultimately. With exes, this is just how it works.

With regard to you life goals, your sister has a point about pressure and about high stakes. But ultimately, you should love what you are doing so much and believe in your vision so much that it barely feels like pressure, more just excitement and like the right fit. That is what is happening with me now with this music school. I feel it is the thing I always wanted to do, and it will make me a lot of money but also deeply reward me. I believe in it with all of my heart and I know it will successful. If your dream is that strong, then it is the right one and you need to go for it. If it is not that strong, you need to keep dreaming till that dream arises spontaneously from the depths of your being. It will just feel right, just like when you're with the right person. You just KNOW.

All the best to you brother and thank you for getting me to comment on people's journals again. I guess I do have the odd thing to say here and there, haha!


kadeshzelbriel

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Re: Hell's cowboy - riding the bucking bronco into sexual freedom
« Reply #29 on: October 22, 2019, 12:11:11 AM »
Thank you so much both for writing in. It really means a lot to me and I really appreciate what you have to say.

kadeshzelbriel

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Re: Hell's cowboy - riding the bucking bronco into sexual freedom
« Reply #30 on: November 05, 2019, 02:03:05 AM »
Alright yall, no nut november. it's not about making it as far as possible, but about maximizing the sexual energy vs nutting ratio - as in, the more times I can sexually play and have it not end in ejaculation, the better. that's what i'm experimenting with. i think ejaculating a lot (in partnered sex) has been depleting my energy, and i'm curious what it might be like to ejaculate less.

kadeshzelbriel

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Re: Hell's cowboy - riding the bucking bronco into sexual freedom
« Reply #31 on: November 06, 2019, 10:54:51 AM »
Also, day 200.

I was reading old emails between myself and my high school sweetheart and came across one of our big conflicts toward the end. I had forgotten about it.ive had this idea in my head we just split up because long distance sucks, which was a factor for sure, but reading these emails I realized that the conflicts avoidance behaviors that have eventually tanked all my relationships also were a big factor in that first one. ive had this idea lately - maybe Ive left all my relationships because they're not M - but now I see I left them because they were actually akin to M. Does that make sense? I'm still chewing on this.

I listened to a Dharma talk yesterday and realized I left my retreat this summer because I saw too much and felt terrified and wanted to unsee it. This left me with a cloud of denial and self-doubt, but also some useful lessons about mixed intentions, and what is possible to deepen in integrity versus what is just a feeling of inadequacy. These lessons are still percolating. But I know sooner or later I'm going to face that terror again, and I'll eventually run out of convincing reasons to run away from it.
« Last Edit: November 06, 2019, 11:00:25 AM by kadeshzelbriel »

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: Hell's cowboy - riding the bucking bronco into sexual freedom
« Reply #32 on: November 06, 2019, 01:11:34 PM »
200 days! Congratulations!!!!!!

Conflict avoidance is something I've also experienced in past relationships. When something doesn't feel right, but instead of say something and risk coming across as aggressive, you just keep it in till eventually certain types of unhealthy behaviours from your partner or issues in the relationship get left entirely unchecked, and the whole thing implodes.

If this is what you mean, I believe it is to do with attachment. If we are unable to speak our mind then it is because we are attached to the outcome, or to a certain type of feeling we get from someone, or to the person themselves.

With regard to leaving a retreat - dude, I have wanted to leave pretty much every retreat I've ever been on! In fact, back last summer I was at a silent retreat in the Netherlands with Mooji (I wonder if you've heard of him, because if not, check him out, he has a great clarity in his teaching). The retreat was only 5 days long but I almost went mad! My mind just wouldn't SHUT UP, and I believed everything it was saying to me, and because I believe it, it carried on talking. It's as if it knew that by giving me fearful thoughts, it had my attention, and could take my attention away from meditating. It's difficult to think that you can also not believe what your mind tells you, but when watched from a deeper place, it most certainly is possible, in fact, I'd go so far as to say it's completely natural. It's all coming from you, both the thought and the meditation. You are the source of it all, the divine Brahman.

We are all dealing with fear, my friend. It is part of the human condition. It is normal to want to run, and it is normal to want to hide. Don't take these things too seriously. You are aware of this urge inside you to run from the truth. That's also what porn addiction is, but on a much less subtle level. Ultimately, we can't escape our karma no matter how hard we try, but we can become wise and see it for what it is; transient and passing, just like this life.

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: Hell's cowboy - riding the bucking bronco into sexual freedom
« Reply #33 on: December 05, 2019, 02:41:41 PM »
Hey bro, I've noticed you haven't been posting much on your journal but thought I'd check in and see how your feeling anyway. I know your streak is going really well from what you wrote on my journal. How's it all going? How's the love life and social life? Do you have another journal btw?