Author Topic: gragnoks journal (Read 938 times)

quitforeverthenwin2 · « **Reply #25 on:** November 23, 2019, 09:43:22 AM »

Great man! Just keep at it. 90 days is an awesome goal, and you can do it! It can be great to celebrate smaller stepping stones along the way too, like 7 days, 14, 30 days. All nice momentum builders along the way.

Is there anything missing from your reboot? What is your plan to reach 90 days? What triggers can you move or eliminate?

Track#1- Unbreakable · « **Reply #26 on:** November 23, 2019, 11:15:47 AM »

Hey I've just read through your journal and I gotta say it's good that you have had 10-12 day streaks. More days without watching porn is a good thing and relapsing one day won't necessarily erase what you have done so far. Eventually, you'd want to make sure you can be more vigilant on what triggers you and what not. If you relapse, make sure you really look into why it happened. You definitely want to catch things before they happen. I've had past experience with this and it sucks to make it so far along and then slip up. I've had days where I couldn't make it out of a week relapsing. Just be sure to watch for the signs, triggers and if you find yourself about to binge stop everything in its tracks. Good luck on your goal to 90 days!

Track#1- Unbreakable · « **Reply #27 on:** November 23, 2019, 11:43:59 AM »

Quote from: gragnok on November 23, 2019, 01:53:50 AM

I just need to feel truly committed, and go through 90 days and prove to myself that I can and that it’s worth it.

I forgot to add that I definitely think its worth it. Try an experiment. While your on your way to 90 days, go as far as to not look at women below the neck . I've tried this before and I'm going to do it again in my current journey. When giving up porn your mind wants a fix and it wants to find something else to fill that need. So you have lesser forms of porn like pictures, sounds, and erotic literature that your mind wants to indulge in. When you remove them all your mind will definitely be looking at women more and having fantasies/thoughts. So again, don't look at women below the neck. Only look them in the face. You'll notice something that you probably haven't noticed since you were a teen.

gragnok · « **Reply #28 on:** November 23, 2019, 08:20:31 PM »

day ONE!
just finished my workout.
triggers are being home alone of course, loneliness and otherwise poor mental health. I use porn basically as self medication, for anxiety and periods of depression. just like how i used alcohol.
reflecting recently i wonder if the shame i carry from porn was a factor in pushing me to drink.
my plans are pretty simple, more of the same really. I'm rededicating myself to working out (all forms: cardio, calisthenics, and strength training), meditation everyday, work on improving my diet. just trying to take care of myself. that said I'm reprioritizing also, sobriety from alcohol comes first, then sobriety from porn second, as in those are the non negotiables. and not that everything else isn't important, just saying TOP priory don't drink and don't look at porn.
exercising and skating are gonna be my go to for getting out of the house/avoiding triggers. i usually skate with other people too so its good socially and its just the funnest exercise for me.
also i just kind of had this moment of clarity during my last binge, idk how to describe it exactly, but basically just the fact that its not enjoyable at all for me anymore, its a 100% abusive relationship with porn. And I'm not trying to be over confident, def already learned that lesson but this time does feel different somehow.

quitforeverthenwin2 · « **Reply #29 on:** November 23, 2019, 09:39:38 PM »

Great man, sounds like good stuff. And good priorities in line. Avoiding drinking #1 makes sense to me. Then porn second.
Great that you can skate with others.

That is progress! Part of the progress of recovery is not enjoying the relapses.... Part of you is like, wtf is this shit? So that is really a big sign of progress. Just keep working at it and you'll get it.

gragnok · « **Reply #30 on:** November 24, 2019, 08:42:03 PM »

Day 2
Today was... okay.
Resolve is still very strong. No urges or anything.
But pretty anxious/depressed at work.
Still went to the gym and did my workouts and feeling much better now.

quitforeverthenwin2 · « **Reply #31 on:** November 24, 2019, 10:11:33 PM »

Keep it up. Working out is the best.

wecandoit · « **Reply #32 on:** November 25, 2019, 04:48:03 PM »

Quote from: gragnok on November 24, 2019, 08:42:03 PM

Day 2
Today was... okay.
Resolve is still very strong. No urges or anything.
But pretty anxious/depressed at work.
Still went to the gym and did my workouts and feeling much better now.

Keep going with the streak. Anxiety should diminish significantly as the streak gets longer. At least this is my case. And if I don't have high anxiety I tend to be less depressed.

gragnok · « **Reply #33 on:** November 25, 2019, 05:12:40 PM »

Day 3
Sailing through today!
Feeling fine, zero urges.
Already went to work and worked out, so I actually get to relax! Haha.

quitforeverthenwin2 · « **Reply #34 on:** November 25, 2019, 10:50:52 PM »

That's great man! Those easy days are just so awesome and something to be grateful for, plus a motivator because in the future I bet MOST days can be like that. Your brain is already changing for the better.

gragnok · « **Reply #35 on:** November 27, 2019, 11:14:29 AM »

Day 5!
Just got back from a run, things are going good!
Just checking in, thanks and stay strong everybody!

quitforeverthenwin2 · « **Reply #36 on:** November 27, 2019, 11:59:59 AM »

Awesome bro! Running is great.

gragnok · « **Reply #37 on:** November 30, 2019, 12:12:57 AM »

Day 7
Wrapping up week one. Heading to bed right now.
Things are going too! Feeling good!
I’ll be back with more detailed update soon, but just wanted to check in.

quitforeverthenwin2 · « **Reply #38 on:** November 30, 2019, 02:16:43 AM »

Nice man! CONGRATULATIONS! 7 days is a big accomplishment! At 7 days as far as I know, there is a testosterone boost. Keep up the good work! You've got that momentum going to head to the next milestone.

gragnok · « **Reply #39 on:** December 02, 2019, 03:20:16 PM »

Day 10
Double digits!!
Still going good. I’ve been working out every day, meditating, and just feeling more disciplined in everything I do. Not tons to report, just staying the course.

quitforeverthenwin2 · « **Reply #40 on:** December 02, 2019, 08:54:23 PM »

Awesome bro! Thats the way to go, this is big progress. Just keep it up and stay vigilant.

gragnok · « **Reply #41 on:** December 03, 2019, 10:27:27 PM »

Day 11
Today was rough. Had an urge sort of, not really to pmo just felt lonely and shitty.
It was the most awareness I’ve felt as far as the underlying triggers for me. Anyways actually just ended up taking a nap and woke up feeling better. Think being tired and hungry had something to do with it also.
Anyways this 11-12 day range has been my longest streaks in recent memory so trying to double down and stay on top of everything. Feeling okay now, closing at work. Excited to hit two weeks and beyond!

quitforeverthenwin2 · « **Reply #42 on:** December 03, 2019, 10:46:53 PM »

Great man keep it up! Good self-awareness. Yup Hungry and Tired are literally FAMOUS addiction triggers lol. I am not a fan of 12 step but they have a few good ideas here and there. They have an acronym for triggers to be weary of: HALT. Hungry Angry Lonely Tired

Great plan to double down! That's inspiration and a reminder for me to double down as well!

gragnok · « **Reply #43 on:** December 05, 2019, 08:34:48 AM »

Day 13
Checking in early this morning. This should actually be the hardest part of my day as far as any chance to think about porn.
Having some thoughts creeping in, it’s really weird it’s like I feel the need to check in on my old sites. Not even necessarily an urge, just this nagging feeling. Had a really bad night at work last night and I think maybe I need to get into that. As far as how my job effects my life currently.
Anyways gonna stay strong!

gragnok · « **Reply #44 on:** December 06, 2019, 11:38:57 AM »

Damnit just relapsed.
Going straight to the gym, not gonna slow down or let this turn into a binge.
Woke up late and unmotivated and just let myself lay there and fantasize. I knew I should have been up and moving. That’s def a thing for me, usually I don’t sleep in much less laze around in bed all morning. Anyways reset. I’m bummed. Trying to be less so than the past. Off to the gym. Sorry.

quitforeverthenwin2 · « **Reply #45 on:** December 07, 2019, 01:39:38 PM »

Bummer about the lapse. Get right back on that horse! Even these little streaks help.... I remember when I started I straight up failed over and over at going like a week without PMO. Then I was able to get longer and longer streaks and my relapses became mo instead of PMO. So good to get right back on the horse and keep getting the longest streaks you can chipping away at these brain pathways more and more and more.

You got 13 days. Get right back to it.