Author Topic: 21 I am very confused and need to talk  (Read 38 times)

deminounrae

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21 I am very confused and need to talk
« on: December 17, 2019, 12:36:24 PM »
Hello,

I'm writing this here because I need to talk to someone. I already had a journal here called Do or Don't. There's no try.
In brief I was watching porn since I was 13, ended up with my first girlfriend at 20. We had some bad sex because of my DE. I stopped watching porn and after just 11 days I was healed. After 1 month I felt like a machine. At day 62 I relapsed and fell into a sort of limbo of relapsing and staying away. The summer started and I was still messing up with P. I knew that by half August I would have gone living by myself in another country. I had an intercourse where it was obvious that my DE was returning so I spoke to my girlfriend, she said that it wasn't really my fault because how could I know that the DE could remerge so quickly? I looked in her eyes and promised to keep the hell away from that stuff. I did an hard mode reboot, aided by the fact that I couldn't see her for 5 days straight and I was back to normal. I didn't watched any P for the whole summer.

BUT THEN

I went living alone in another country to follow my dream of becoming a pro wrestler.
Me and my girlfriend decided to stay together.
It didn't took long for me to relapse and from then on it became a fight against myself. For a long period of time I was unoccupied and I relapsed. The fact is that everytime I felt really bad, knowing that I'm breaking a promess and harming myself in the process.
On first I watched P because I missed having sex. Then to cope on loneliness of staying away from everyone I loved, I was slowly making friends but I felt really really bad. I even got to a very very low point. I kicked out of there by watching some videos and receiving some genuine love from my girlfriend over the phone. I turned the tables on life BUT I was still struggling with staying away from P. couldn't keep a very long streak, with longest being 11 days.
After 2 months that I was away I came back home for 3 days. I obviously met my girlfriend and it was strange. She didn't notice any difference I felt like I was a bit desinsityzed but not that much.
When I came back living alone I really really desired to stay away from P. But I couldn't and I can't. There's just something that drags me in and I don't know how to fight it. I kept a journal just for me. In that journal on one day I wrote: " I admire myself because I am still trying". One day I said , ok I'm giving up the reboot for 5 days I want to know how it feels like, after just half of the first day I was nauseous, saying that P was so bad that I couldn't even appreciate it.
Now on 3 days time I'm going back home for 2 weeks. I will see my girlfriend on the first day so I will know what kind of 2 weeks are ahead of me.

The things is though, that even if I still slipped or relapsed in these past weeks I feel like my body has no harm. I can pass the touch test, I have MW and I feel I am sensitive like I was back when I was rebooting properly.
So my mind is just very confused.

I know that porn is harmful, I know that I should stay away but I'm just sucked in. I want to stop before problems resurface but my gratest issue is that I'm basically having real sex every 2 or 3 months and I think that is the reason that just fucks up my head a lot.

I would really apprecciate some support, because I am bit lost on all of this.
An example is this: I have a piece of paper that I have shaped like a calendar to countdown the last 12 days before going back, I've put a check on the days I didn't PMO and a cross on the one I did.

It's been 10 days now and it looks like this: V-V-X-X-V-X-X-V-V-X

What the fuck is going on? I can't figure it out