Author Topic: From Darkness to Light - My Journal  (Read 487 times)

Elvis on Velvet

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From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« on: November 06, 2019, 12:32:35 PM »
Hi everyone.  I found this place about a week ago and decided to post my journal today.  I'll tell my story here, but first just want to say I am 11 days porn-free today.  It's probably the longest period I have not used pornography in 20+ years, with the exception of an involuntary period after a serious motorcycle accident 5 years ago (I don't count that anyway).  I've been addicted to porn for a long time, and it's going to stop now.

I'm 47, married for 23 years, and I have two children.  After reading so many other peoples' stories here, I realized that mine is very similar to so many others.  I started looking at porn at about 12 years old, at first just Playboy, Penthouse, etc.  This was before the internet, of course, and options were limited, especially for a 12, 13, 14 year old kid.  I have no history of childhood abuse, my home life was pretty good actually, my parents were together, not always super happy, but they made it work with three kids and not a lot of money.  I grew up in Los Angeles, so porn, in the form of magazines and later videos on VHS and DVD, was always readily available.  My biggest problem was just finding privacy to do my PMO thing in peace.  In the early days, it was probably a once a week affair, and I got bored with my little stash of magazines pretty quickly.  I'd get my hands on a VHS tape once in a while, which provided the novelty/dopamine hit that fed my nascent addiction.  As so many of us came to learn, the advent of the internet changed everything.

I used porn sporadically through middle school and high school.  I met my future wife freshman year of college, and we dated through all four years.  My porn use and PMO during that time was probably 1-2 times a week; sometimes more, sometimes less, it was all dependent on privacy, which was pretty limited with multiple roommates.  Never once did it enter my mind how disrespectful I was of my girlfriend by doing this.  I was an entitled little shit.

Fast forward to the year after college, we got married and moved in together.  This was the early days of the internet (mid-1990s), and dial up was the norm.  I had limited exposure to internet porn, I still mostly relied on DVDs for my PMO fixes, which despite being married now had not reduced in frequency.  Things remained like this for several years.

We had our first child in 2000, and I was by now well into a near daily PMO habit which was fed by widely available internet porn and increasingly fast connection speeds.  Another child followed in 2003 and if anything, my addiction grew stronger.  My wife and I had a decent sex life, as much as can be with two small kids in the mix.  We were pretty vanilla as far as sex goes, but my proclivities online were becoming increasingly more fetishized.  Things went on like this for several more years.

Fast forward again and I started a job which required me to travel frequently.  I think this is where my porn use started to get out of control.  I was away from home and alone on the road 3-4 nights every week, living in hotels.  PMO became a 1-2 times a day thing.  Still, when I got back home, my wife and I would have sex pretty regularly, and I never encountered an ED issue at all.

Again this went on for several years, then smartphones became popular and, coupled with high-speed internet, my porn addiction exploded.  In the past several years, my PMO habit was daily, and I almost never missed a day.  Home, work, basically wherever I could get away with it.  Also, my porn subject matter became increasingly hardcore and fetishized, oncluding things I would never consider in real life.  I've been struggling at this stage for probably the past 5-7 years.

About 2 years ago, my doctor switched by blood pressure medication (I have genetic high blood pressure).  I'm pretty fit, healthy weight, work out pretty regularly, no smoking, social drinking, no drugs.  I had a bad reaction to this medication and experienced a couple of epic anxiety attacks that also coincided with several episodes of ED.  I still don't know if the medication was the cause, or if it was PIED.  I freaked out about the ED but never made the connection to porn.  My doctor put me back on the old medication and gave me a prescription for sildenafil to deal with the ED, which we both assumed would be temporary.  I've been using it for sex pretty much every time since then, it works well, and my wife doesn't know.  The times I don't use it, I can get a semi-erection or occasionally a full one but it doesn't last long and I need to orgasm quickly or it goes away.

I should add I never experienced the need to do marathon PMO sessions as I've read about here.  I've always just been into getting my PMO done, but it was taking increasing variety and increasingly weird stuff to get the job done.  Just recently, I experienced VR porn and I was actually a little scared about how dangerous it could have become for me.  On day 12 of being clean now, I'm thinking about VR a lot.

On Saturday, October 26th, I was home alone, as I have one child away at college, the other was at a friend's house, and my wife was on a business trip.  I had just finished a PMO session, getting off to some particularly disgusting filth, and I had to go pick up my younger child from the friend's house.  On the drive there, something snapped in me and I became overwhelmingly disgusted by my addiction, almost to the point of physical illness.  I pulled over to the side of the road, and then and there permanently deleted every porn picture and video on my phone, cleared my browser history, deleted all porn bookmarks, and eradicated every bit of porn content or references I could find on my phone.  Thankfully, my phone is the only device I used to access porn, so it was essentially out of my life at that point.  I just had to deal with my mind now.

So here I am 11 days later, still clean and doing my best to stay that way.  I haven't talked to my wife about this and probably won't tbh.  I feel like it would hurt her too much to hear about the extent of my addiction.  We've had a couple discussions about porn in the past when she's seen stuff on my phone, and they were really hard on both of us.  She felt betrayed and I felt like a piece of shit.

Wow, this was longer than I thought, and I probably left out a lot.  I've been reading stories here for the past several days, and it's really helped me realize I'm not alone in this.  Gabe Deem's videos have been a huge help, too.  I'm looking forward to posting here regularly about my progress.  Haven't experienced any real withdrawal symptoms yet, but I know it's early in my recovery.  I'm grateful for this community.

Thanks for reading.

Elvis on Velvet

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Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« Reply #1 on: November 06, 2019, 01:58:27 PM »
I also noticed my cravings for sugar increased.  It was bad timing I did this during Halloween  ;D

PurpleDaze

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Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« Reply #2 on: November 06, 2019, 08:13:14 PM »
Hi,
As the wife of a recovering PA, I'd like to offer some unsolicited advice if I may. We have been married for over four decades. It turns out hubby gradually increased in his addiction over the past decade, but I didn't discover it until earlier this year. He had the attitude of "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" and that was a big lie! I had some suspicions based in the bedroom (again, we know each other's preferences, styles, habits in bedroom very well, having been married for over 40 years). He just excused them rather than 'fessing up. in the meantime, I was wondering if I was the problem in some way....He allowed me to think that, rather than 'fessing up. Fast forward to March of this year when I found some historical stuff on tv, computer, phone, etc. I confronted him and he admitted. Yes it hurt (like you mentioned your wife was hurt), but what hurt even more was the deceit, coverup, etc to supposedly avoid my being hurt. That made it even worse! I didn't feel trusted at all. Didn't our love and long-term marriage count for anything? And to top it off, I am in the counseling profession. I know this stuff cannot be solved alone, it takes a village. We are still working through this, as my trust is trying to rebuild. I offer this info to you as you say you probably don't plan to tell your wife. You want to spare her the devastation and hurt. Chances are, like me, she has some nagging suspicions. I hope you respect her enough to face the music and have a true heart-to-heart with her, yes it will be difficult. But, if you don't, chances are good that she will discover it, through intuition or whatever, and your having deceived her will just complicate matters even more. Let her be a part of your recovery, that is really the only way true recovery in a married couple who want to stay married, can occur. I just wish my husband would have talked to me, rather than me quietly blaming myself unnecessarily, and then discovering his deceit on my own. From my experience, what she doesn't know CAN hurt BOTH of you! Just my two cents, I wish you the best on your journey to healing together. Thanks for listening and for sharing your story.

Elvis on Velvet

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Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« Reply #3 on: November 07, 2019, 11:45:45 AM »
Purple Daze, thank you for your thoughtful reply. I very much appreciate the perspective of a partner to an addict. I'm going to take your advice to heart and have a serious think about including my wife in my recovery. As you mentioned, I'll need to confront the shame and the guilt of doing that, and the possibility that she may not want to continue to be married to me.

I'm on day 13 of my recovery.

Elvis on Velvet

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Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« Reply #4 on: November 08, 2019, 01:48:07 PM »
Day 14, no PMO.  Thank God!

I feel like I'm experiencing the so-called "flatline". No real interest in sex, though I am enjoying seeing my wife naked more than I remember in the past.  We did a little cuddling when she got out of the shower this morning and I felt some stirring down there, but no erection or anything like that.  I do find myself thinking about her body more often, probably because I haven't seen a naked female body other than hers in two weeks.  We watched a movie the other night that had a pretty explicit sex scene, and I subtly looked away from the screen.  Trying really hard not to experience any artificial stimulus if I can help it.

We haven't had sex in two weeks, which is pretty unusual for us, so I think it's probably going to happen this weekend.  I'm nervous and likely to fail, so I have a feeling if we're going to talk about my reboot, it'll probably happen this weekend.

Will keep posting.  This is helping me tremendously.

Thanks for reading!

discobolus

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Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« Reply #5 on: November 08, 2019, 03:21:00 PM »
Good job so far. I’m on the same day as you, October 26th was also my last day. I guess I’ve been pretty lucky since we’ve had sex 5 times since then. I’m still using Viagra but hope to taper down the dose as I have longer sobriety and also get in better shape. Do you use Viagra still? Everyone is different but I feel like my PIED and especially DE is improving pretty rapidly so this weekend may be a pleasant surprise or it may end up being frustrating, but hopefully not.

jixu

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Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« Reply #6 on: November 11, 2019, 08:15:52 AM »
You are going to make it-your depth of conviction and concern for your family will assist you.  Keep going strong!

Elvis on Velvet

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Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« Reply #7 on: November 11, 2019, 07:38:12 PM »
Day 17.  PMO free by the grace of God.

Thanks to the people who have given their support and encouragement.  This community means a lot to me, and I truly appreciate you taking time to help me.

It was a tough weekend.  My father in law passed away on Saturday, and there was a lot of family stress, grieving, etc.  We were all busy and honestly that probably helped keep my mind off porn.  No relapse!

Slight triggers ahead, please proceed with caution:

Wife and I had sex Saturday morning (before we found out about her dad, of course).  In answer to your question Discobolus, I do still use viagra most times.  I used it Saturday and everything went well.  I tried hard to just focus on my wife.  She's beautiful and has a spectacular body, so you wouldn't think this would be hard, but in the past I've felt my mind wandering to various porn actresses when we have sex.  I tried hard to focus only on her and what I was feeling in the moment.  I'm also beginning to realize that I've often been trying to have "porn sex" with my wife, replicating things I've seen in videos.  So this time I tried to just go slow, be more intimate, and enjoy her and her pleasure.  It was good, and I'm looking forward to the next time!  I'm especially looking forward to getting past my PIED and being able to enjoy spontaneous sex with my wife without having to pop a pill ahead of time.

I haven't experienced much in the way of withdrawal symptoms, but I do think about porn a lot and I notice I have some specific triggers.  Unfortunately, I pass a strip club on my way home from work every day.  I was never into strip clubs, and I've never been inside this one, but they advertise the name of the feature porn star dancer every week, and I of course always recognize the name.  In the past, seeing that name on the sign would lead me to look up her scenes and then head down the rabbit hole.  It's been challenging to see those names every week and know I won't be watching her in action later, not even in my mind if I can help it.

Short entry for today, hopefully I'll post again tomorrow.  Once again, I sincerely appreciate everyone who reads this and responds.  Our strength is in each other.  Cheers!

Elvis on Velvet

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Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« Reply #8 on: November 12, 2019, 01:28:42 PM »
Day 18 and I'm porn-free by the grace of God!

I had a mild anxiety attack last night.  It was a stressful weekend with the death of my father in law, and I assume the anxiety was due to that and all the family stress it created.  In the past, when I woke up with anxiety, I would always reach for my phone and look at porn.  Last night, I instead picked up the book I'm reading and read for an hour until the anxiety passed.  It's a small accomplishment, but this is something I would not have done in the past while in the grip of my addiction. 

One thing that's helped me a lot is not having my phone near me when I go to bed.  It now gets turned off and left in another room at night.  I got in the habit of sleeping with my phone on the nightstand during the years I traveled, so my wife could reach me if there was an emergency at night.  That very rarely happened, and instead I used it for PMO most nights.  No more.

On a good note, I've been waking up during the night with pretty solid erections, something I haven't experienced in a long, long while.  They don't last long, but just waking up with some wood is a novel experience for now.  I find myself thinking a lot about having sex with my wife without having to take a pill.  I don't think I'm there yet, but that's the main motivation for me right now.

Thanks for reading!  Stay strong, guys!

Elvis on Velvet

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Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« Reply #9 on: November 14, 2019, 11:16:53 AM »
Day 20 and I'm porn free by the grace of God!

Yesterday was my father-in-law's funeral.  He was a good man, but the last few years of his life were marked by pretty severe dementia which caused him to do things, say things, and act in ways he never would have before his illness.  To that end, his passing was a blessing in some ways, as he is free of suffering and his family is at peace.  My mother-in-law also divorced him years ago in part because of his excessive porn habit, which made my wife very sensitive to any issues we encountered with porn.  Looking back on my own addiction, I'm shocked and disgusted that I went on doing what caused her parents' marriage to end throughout our own entire relationship.

Mild trigger ahead:

My wife woke me up yesterday morning wanting to give me a handjob.  I thought it was kind of weird because it was the day of her dad's funeral, but she was really into it, so she did it.  I'm pretty sure I got fully hard, though, which is definitely an improvement in terms of my PIED.  I think the fact that I didn't have time to worry about it helped.  I had some initial anxiety while she got started but I really tried to just focus on the sensation and on her body, and I was able to finish.  She had a pretty epic orgasm right after that, so we started the day off well.

At 20 days porn free, this is the longest streak I can remember since I was in my late 20s, so almost 20 years!  Holy shit, it's hard to believe how many hours I've wasted with my phone in one hand and my dick in the other :(  I don't even want to add them up, but it's a hell of a lot of time wasted on an activity that had no real value.

I remember all the "deals" I made with myself about stopping PMO - "I'll stop when I get married", "I'll stop when my wife gets pregnant", "I'll stop when our kids are born", "I'll stop when my daughter is old enough to talk", etc., etc., etc.  It was all bullshit, and I could never do it.  Even seeing girls in porn who are the same age as my older daughter didn't stop me.  It seems so disgusting now.

Anyway, I appreciate everyone's replies, support, etc.  I'm feeling pretty good about my recovery!

Cheers!

Elvis on Velvet

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Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« Reply #10 on: November 15, 2019, 10:55:47 AM »
Day 21 and I'm porn free by the grace of God!

Not much new to report today.  I'm working from home and alone, which is a major trigger I think.  But, I'm not really feeling the cravings too much this morning.  My wife and I have our "scheduled" sex tonight, when our daughter will be out of the house at a school function.  I never thought that would actually happen, but when you have teenagers in the house, intimacy is practically impossible other than a quick (really quick) session in the shower or whatever, hoping no one walks in.  Probably going to use viagra tonight as well.  LOL

I've been reading about other recovering people who are experiencing intense cravings past the 20 day point in their streak, and I think it's starting with me as well.  For the past day or two, I've been thinking nonstop about one particular porn actress, can't seem to get her out of my head.  I'm really trying to stay strong and not relapse, but I caught myself putting her name into the search box on R*ddit, just to have a "peek" at her.  I saw the first image on her page, and I came damn close to scrolling through.  Give me strength!

One other thing I noticed is I used to have the names and faces of dozens and dozens of porn girls at the tip of my tongue, but now, just 3 weeks later, I can hardly remember any of them, just the few I spent a lot of time on.  It's such a plastic, artificial world; the names and faces disappear like melting ice down the drain.

Well, that's it for now.  I may post again later today.  Cheers!

jixu

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Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« Reply #11 on: November 18, 2019, 11:03:31 AM »
I also often work at home alone and can relate to what you are saying-it definitely has a pro and con aspect to it.  Even so, going into the office has its own pitfalls and disadvantages. 

Glad you are alert to the peeking-peeking and p-subs and the stuff in the "borderline" categories have caused the problems for me in the past. 

Keep going friend-it is worth the struggle!     

Elvis on Velvet

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Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« Reply #12 on: November 18, 2019, 01:22:41 PM »
Well, it was an interesting weekend.  I had a bit of a setback, and "peeked" at the subreddit for the particular porn actress I mentioned earlier.  Spent about 30 seconds scrolling the feed.  No masturbation but I did look at porn, so is that a relapse?  I'm not sure.  I know some would say yes without a doubt, but my true goal in my recovery is to stop masturbating to porn.  Obviously, the best way to do that is not to look at porn...EVER! 

I'm going to move on from this and continue with my recovery.  Hope everyone is doing well and staying strong.

Cheers!

Elvis on Velvet

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Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« Reply #13 on: November 25, 2019, 11:11:38 AM »
Today is Day 31 of no PMO!  I'm pretty sure this is the longest period of time I have not masturbated to porn in at least 20 years!  Thank God!!!

I decided in this journal, I will be totally honest, and it may be one of the few places I don't tell lies, not even little ones.  I have been tempted to use porn at many points over the past month, and I have "peeked" at porn, as I mentioned above.  I did also masturbate a couple of times during this period, but never to porn.  Some may consider these setbacks or relapses, I don't know.  I'm not doing NoFap or Hard Mode or anything like that.  I'm married and my wife and I have a pretty active sex life, so we have had sex numerous times during this 31 day streak.

The point of pride for me here is that I have not masturbated to porn for 31 days.  The first three weeks or so were actually not that hard.  I think I entered the flatline pretty quickly after I stopped, so I had very little libido or sex drive.  I was missing the psychological hit porn provided, but I was able to keep it under control and just do other things to keep busy.  Week 4 was when I slipped and looked at porn for a couple minutes, and also masturbated twice (without porn).  My libido is back last week and this week, and I was able to get a solid erection with my wife yesterday morning (no viagra needed).  She gave me a handjob, and I finished pretty quickly.  I was also crazy horny and groping her all day.  I'm really hoping to have actual penetrative sex with her without using a pill.  I'd like to do it this week, so wish me luck, guys!  I think if I can do this, it will increase my confidence tremendously, and really help move my recovery forward.

Thanks for reading, I encourage and enjoy your comments.

Elvis on Velvet

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Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« Reply #14 on: December 02, 2019, 11:15:49 AM »
Just wanted to drop a quick update.  I'm 38 days PMO free but I have been looking at porn again, though not masturbating to it.

This psychological addiction is tougher than I thought it would be.  I really was convinced I could be completely porn free.  Now I'm struggling not to view porn.  It crept back insidiously!  Started by peeking at a porn subreddit, then progressed to watching videos on the tube sites.  The temptation to masturbate was almost overwhelming but I have resisted it thus far! 

My biggest trigger is being alone at home, so yesterday I tagged along with my wife everywhere she went so I wouldn't be alone :)  How sad is that?  She was like "what are you doing, weirdo, I'm getting my nails done". 

Anyway, I'm still PMO free but hanging on by a thread I fear.

Thanks for reading.

Elvis on Velvet

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Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« Reply #15 on: December 02, 2019, 12:17:58 PM »
Trigger warning ahead:

Just wanted to post one other thing.  I'm reading a book right now called The Terror; it's about a group of Arctic explorers in the mid-19th century who find themselves trapped on their ships in the Arctic ice while a mysterious creature hunts them.  A really good book, actually.  But one thing that stood out for me is that there are a couple scenes in the book where one of the men remembers some of his sexual experiences, and these glances of women's bodies he had (just a pair of breasts or a glance of pubic hair) have sustained his fantasies for years/decades after!  I realized how desensitized and overexposed we have become as men.  A hundred and fifty years ago it was very likely the only penis a man would ever see would be his own, and the only naked woman his wife.  Now we have virtually every sex act and combination of people possible available on tap, 24/7.  If I want to see a beautiful woman have sex with five guys, all I need to do is click a few buttons, and I'm watching it.  Fuck, it's a miracle every guy isn't a raging porn addict! 

This is no excuse for my behavior, of course, but it really hit home that we're basically living in a world where the thing we're addicted to is available, for free, in our houses and everywhere else we go, with no limit on how much we can have.

Elvis on Velvet

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Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« Reply #16 on: December 04, 2019, 12:42:56 PM »
I'm 40 days PMO free today!

Working from home and all alone, so the temptation is strong, but I'm committed to resisting today.  As I mentioned before, I have slipped and looked at porn, but no PMO so far.  I also decided to stop drinking during the week or outside of social situations.  I don't think I had a problem, because I've gone several days without drinking and it doesn't really bother me, and I never drank to get drunk, just to get a mild buzz and relax, but I don't want to practice any behaviors that have a possibility of turning into addictions.

The wife and I had unbelievable sex on Friday night.  I feel really blessed to have her.  She's beautiful, has a banging body, and is totally up for anything most times.  I took viagra, but told her this time that I did.  We have a trip to Mexico planned for January, and now she wants me to bring it with :)  I was going to anyway, but I feel better with her knowing I'm using it, although I still have not told her why.

We're Christians, and practice confession, so on Sunday I confessed my use of pornography to my priest for the first time in my life.  The church regards pornography as wrong, of course, but I'm not sure if they consider it on par with adultery.  Either way, I confessed it and received forgiveness, so I feel good about that.

Thanks for reading.

Elvis on Velvet

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Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« Reply #17 on: December 04, 2019, 01:02:47 PM »
Forgot to mention one thing; I'm struggling with an urge to masturbate (without porn) just so I can see whether or not I can get an erection.  I don't really feel the desire to do it, it's more like I want to make sure I can.  Very weird, and I'm trying to resist, but this voice in the back of my head is saying "hey, don't you want to see if you can get it up?".

Elvis on Velvet

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Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« Reply #18 on: December 04, 2019, 07:04:17 PM »
Well, I MO'd today.  No porn, just me and my thoughts.  TBH I'm happy about this, because in the past, in the grips of my porn addiction, I couldn't get hard at all without porn or viagra.  Today, I just focused on the sensation, and away I went.  I've also been waking up with night wood pretty regularly the last 5 nights or so.  And I'm talking rock hard, not semis or anything like that.  I think I'm on the path to recovery.  I'm really hoping I can stay strong, and this kind of progress is definitely encouraging me to keep going with my recovery.

Thanks for reading.

wecandoit

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Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« Reply #19 on: December 05, 2019, 10:32:10 AM »
Well, I MO'd today.  No porn, just me and my thoughts.  TBH I'm happy about this, because in the past, in the grips of my porn addiction, I couldn't get hard at all without porn or viagra.  Today, I just focused on the sensation, and away I went.  I've also been waking up with night wood pretty regularly the last 5 nights or so.  And I'm talking rock hard, not semis or anything like that.  I think I'm on the path to recovery.  I'm really hoping I can stay strong, and this kind of progress is definitely encouraging me to keep going with my recovery.

Thanks for reading.

I have experience with this. I, too, had to MO sometime in the past to avoid PMO. I understand the hard craving for watching porn. It's fucking annoying. I had a month without porn and still experienced urges. Shit, I see people around here talking about urges with longer streaks. It's fucking crazy. Right now I have no idea what's like to be free from the control of porn.