Journals > Ages 40 and up

From Darkness to Light - My Journal

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Good job so far. I’m on the same day as you, October 26th was also my last day. I guess I’ve been pretty lucky since we’ve had sex 5 times since then. I’m still using Viagra but hope to taper down the dose as I have longer sobriety and also get in better shape. Do you use Viagra still? Everyone is different but I feel like my PIED and especially DE is improving pretty rapidly so this weekend may be a pleasant surprise or it may end up being frustrating, but hopefully not.

You are going to make it-your depth of conviction and concern for your family will assist you.  Keep going strong!

Elvis on Velvet:
Day 17.  PMO free by the grace of God.

Thanks to the people who have given their support and encouragement.  This community means a lot to me, and I truly appreciate you taking time to help me.

It was a tough weekend.  My father in law passed away on Saturday, and there was a lot of family stress, grieving, etc.  We were all busy and honestly that probably helped keep my mind off porn.  No relapse!

Slight triggers ahead, please proceed with caution:

Wife and I had sex Saturday morning (before we found out about her dad, of course).  In answer to your question Discobolus, I do still use viagra most times.  I used it Saturday and everything went well.  I tried hard to just focus on my wife.  She's beautiful and has a spectacular body, so you wouldn't think this would be hard, but in the past I've felt my mind wandering to various porn actresses when we have sex.  I tried hard to focus only on her and what I was feeling in the moment.  I'm also beginning to realize that I've often been trying to have "porn sex" with my wife, replicating things I've seen in videos.  So this time I tried to just go slow, be more intimate, and enjoy her and her pleasure.  It was good, and I'm looking forward to the next time!  I'm especially looking forward to getting past my PIED and being able to enjoy spontaneous sex with my wife without having to pop a pill ahead of time.

I haven't experienced much in the way of withdrawal symptoms, but I do think about porn a lot and I notice I have some specific triggers.  Unfortunately, I pass a strip club on my way home from work every day.  I was never into strip clubs, and I've never been inside this one, but they advertise the name of the feature porn star dancer every week, and I of course always recognize the name.  In the past, seeing that name on the sign would lead me to look up her scenes and then head down the rabbit hole.  It's been challenging to see those names every week and know I won't be watching her in action later, not even in my mind if I can help it.

Short entry for today, hopefully I'll post again tomorrow.  Once again, I sincerely appreciate everyone who reads this and responds.  Our strength is in each other.  Cheers!

Elvis on Velvet:
Day 18 and I'm porn-free by the grace of God!

I had a mild anxiety attack last night.  It was a stressful weekend with the death of my father in law, and I assume the anxiety was due to that and all the family stress it created.  In the past, when I woke up with anxiety, I would always reach for my phone and look at porn.  Last night, I instead picked up the book I'm reading and read for an hour until the anxiety passed.  It's a small accomplishment, but this is something I would not have done in the past while in the grip of my addiction. 

One thing that's helped me a lot is not having my phone near me when I go to bed.  It now gets turned off and left in another room at night.  I got in the habit of sleeping with my phone on the nightstand during the years I traveled, so my wife could reach me if there was an emergency at night.  That very rarely happened, and instead I used it for PMO most nights.  No more.

On a good note, I've been waking up during the night with pretty solid erections, something I haven't experienced in a long, long while.  They don't last long, but just waking up with some wood is a novel experience for now.  I find myself thinking a lot about having sex with my wife without having to take a pill.  I don't think I'm there yet, but that's the main motivation for me right now.

Thanks for reading!  Stay strong, guys!

Elvis on Velvet:
Day 20 and I'm porn free by the grace of God!

Yesterday was my father-in-law's funeral.  He was a good man, but the last few years of his life were marked by pretty severe dementia which caused him to do things, say things, and act in ways he never would have before his illness.  To that end, his passing was a blessing in some ways, as he is free of suffering and his family is at peace.  My mother-in-law also divorced him years ago in part because of his excessive porn habit, which made my wife very sensitive to any issues we encountered with porn.  Looking back on my own addiction, I'm shocked and disgusted that I went on doing what caused her parents' marriage to end throughout our own entire relationship.

Mild trigger ahead:

My wife woke me up yesterday morning wanting to give me a handjob.  I thought it was kind of weird because it was the day of her dad's funeral, but she was really into it, so she did it.  I'm pretty sure I got fully hard, though, which is definitely an improvement in terms of my PIED.  I think the fact that I didn't have time to worry about it helped.  I had some initial anxiety while she got started but I really tried to just focus on the sensation and on her body, and I was able to finish.  She had a pretty epic orgasm right after that, so we started the day off well.

At 20 days porn free, this is the longest streak I can remember since I was in my late 20s, so almost 20 years!  Holy shit, it's hard to believe how many hours I've wasted with my phone in one hand and my dick in the other :(  I don't even want to add them up, but it's a hell of a lot of time wasted on an activity that had no real value.

I remember all the "deals" I made with myself about stopping PMO - "I'll stop when I get married", "I'll stop when my wife gets pregnant", "I'll stop when our kids are born", "I'll stop when my daughter is old enough to talk", etc., etc., etc.  It was all bullshit, and I could never do it.  Even seeing girls in porn who are the same age as my older daughter didn't stop me.  It seems so disgusting now.

Anyway, I appreciate everyone's replies, support, etc.  I'm feeling pretty good about my recovery!



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