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From Darkness to Light - My Journal

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Elvis on Velvet:
Today I am 11 days 100% porn free, and 114 days without PMO.

The temptation to begin peeking at porn again is pretty strong.  It started the same way it did when I initially kicked off this reboot last October.  I started fantasizing about a particular porn performer, and got the urge to check her out on Reddit. 

This is exactly what happened last time that led to me peeking at porn and going down the rabbit hole!  I believe now, however, I've gained the ability to recognize and cut it off before it starts.  Last time, it was so easy to progress from looking at non-NSFW reddit posts, to NSFW, then to the tube sites for videos.  This time, I will NOT take that first step.  No bargaining, where I say "I'll just look at a Reddit page without nudity, etc.  That didn't work last time.

I hope everyone is doing well with their recoveries.

Thanks for reading.

fastfreddy:
Elvis -

Reading your posts makes me see the commonalities between so many of us here. I'm 45 days in and have been able to perform better, the way I used to, with my wife too.

Good work - keep it up!  (and yes, that's meant as an awful pun)

Elvis on Velvet:
Today is 13 days 100% porn-free and 116 days without PMO.

As I posted last week, I'm feeling somewhat flat-lined again, though I did perform with my wife on Saturday morning.  It's often the only private time we have all week, since we get up at 5 am during the week and pretty early on Sunday for church.  Again, I'm not feeling a lot of desire, although last night my wife and I talked about sex a little and I got turned on, but alas there was no time to see what might happen.

I'm still strongly tempted to peek at porn, but I have not given in yet.

Stay strong, gentlemen!  Thanks for reading.

tfc_42:
Enjoyed reading your post Elvis, hang in there.

Question for you if you do not mind me asking,  your trip to Mexico sounded like a great time.    Every time i think about planning a trip with my wife to a tropical, hot place I immediately get concerned that there will be too many triggers for me and it will lead to "negative" feelings like depression, temptation, envy, PMO, ect, feelings that do not belong with you while you are on vacation.     I have had outings in the past to public beaches and parks in the summer and it is not good for me.   I do not want to live my life afraid to go out or plan tropical vacations. 

I guess my question is how you handled this?   Did you have concerns?   Any suggestions?   

Thanks

Elvis on Velvet:

--- Quote from: tfc_42 on February 19, 2020, 01:38:50 PM ---Enjoyed reading your post Elvis, hang in there.

Question for you if you do not mind me asking,  your trip to Mexico sounded like a great time.    Every time i think about planning a trip with my wife to a tropical, hot place I immediately get concerned that there will be too many triggers for me and it will lead to "negative" feelings like depression, temptation, envy, PMO, ect, feelings that do not belong with you while you are on vacation.     I have had outings in the past to public beaches and parks in the summer and it is not good for me.   I do not want to live my life afraid to go out or plan tropical vacations. 

I guess my question is how you handled this?   Did you have concerns?   Any suggestions?   

Thanks

--- End quote ---

Hi, I'm happy to try to answer your questions, but there may be some mild triggers here, so please proceed with caution.  As you've seen in my earlier journal entry posts, my wife and I have an active sex life, and while she is aware that I've used porn in the past, and we have talked about it, she really doesn't know the full extent of my addiction or the problems it caused. 

The last time we discussed porn was early last year (2019), and her take was that she was ok with me using it to have an occasional release when she isn't around.  As we all know, of course, that's not really something we addicts can do, so I made the decision to stop entirely (with varying success, as you've seen). 

We're both what is probably considered high libido, and she also pleasures herself when I'm not around, which I'm totally fine with.  So, the point of this is that our vacations alone (without the kids) are usually mostly about having time for uninterrupted sex and exploring new sexual things.  For that reason, I don't feel triggered on these trips because it's really all I can do to keep up with her.  We really enjoy tropical vacations, and while Mexico is generally pretty conservative in public, we have been to some places where nudity and semi-public sexual behavior is rampant.  To be honest, I don't feel out of control in those situations, but I understand you might, so my advice to you would be to just try to focus on your wife, and also encourage her to let loose a little bit. 

One of the great things about being on vacation is that you probably won't ever see any of these people again, so if she wants to wear something a little "different" than the usual, or if you two want to try something you've been thinking about, a tropical vacation is the place to go for it!  Just make sure you discuss it in advance.  My wife gets me so worked up about what we're going to do on vacation, I honestly tend not to think about porn much while we're away.  I also don't carry my phone in Mexico most times, so I've eliminated a ton of temptation right there. 

I don't know what your relationship is like and I won't presume to ask, but if you can, I suggest making these vacations about the two of you, and just being open and honest about what you'd like to do or try.  If you feel triggered by seeing other women in swimsuits or whatever, I would say it's ok to look but not stare.  My wife and I have made a game out of it, and she's totally cool with me checking out a girl in a bikini because I talk to her about it.  When we were in Rio de Janeiro, she got a massage on the beach from a really good-looking Brazilian guy, and I wasn't jealous or triggered, because we laughed and joked about it, and I told her I was going to get him to come back to our room.  We made it fun and non-threatening for both of us, and it helped a lot.  Did she fantasize about him at some point?  Probably, but I'm ok with that.

I think some of this has come with age.  We're both in our mid-40s now and we're far more open and comfortable with each other than we were in the past.  We're married 24 years now, and it definitely wasn't like this in our earlier years.  My porn use made me emotionally unavailable much of the time, and we had a lot of resentment and communication issues.

Sorry for the long post, and I don't know if it's helped you, but I really think the key is letting go of porn as an emotional crutch, and I found that my relationship with her became so much better.

Good luck to you!  Take that vacation!

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