Author Topic: porn, dating and Grindr  (Read 102 times)

synkk

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porn, dating and Grindr
« on: September 21, 2019, 10:49:21 AM »
Any tips on overcoming addiction to porn and gay hook up apps like Grindr/Scruff/Recon/Tinder WHILE still trying to date? (I copied this to do main Porn Addiction Forum but I'm not sure if this post should go here instead??)

A little about me, 32, gay, single guy and using gay dating apps to excess. I have horrible luck meeting guys on these apps yet I'm still on them at any given moment. I just learned about PIED in the last week, so this is quite new and I'm still getting my head around accepting that I'm addicted to porn. Plus I think I'm more addicted to the apps than porn itself.

I use these apps because I'm single and feel lonely. I want to meet and date someone but as an introvert, apps are my go-to. Plus I don't want to  hitting on a straight guy at the grocery store, or gym or work or whatever because of the risk of getting beaten up or accused of sexual harassment.

So if I give up porn, what happens when a guy sends me his nudes? Have I broken my pledge? How will that affect the rebooting of my brain?

And if I give up PMO but meet up with this guy, have a nice date and eventually have sex, is that breaking the "MO" part in "PMO"? Again, how's that gonna affect my brain and recovery from PIED?

Or am I just not ready to date yet so should I just delete these apps altogether?

malando

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Re: porn, dating and Grindr
« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2019, 03:25:31 PM »
Those apps are not where people find relationships. They are meat-markets, pure and simple. Think about it, some guy you don't know is sending you "nudes". Doesn't that tell you the likelihood of finding a relationship there? You are justifying the use of these apps because you are an introvert, but you also want a relationship. Those two things are not compatible. Either you find a different app where the focus is on personality rather than sex, or you need to learn how to be less introverted. There are plenty of gay people out there. Not everyone found their partner on an app. But you do have to be out there participating in life, socially speaking. I think it would also help you a lot in your life, even if you don't find anyone for a while. Porn (and apps) are very isolating. You spend most of your time alone looking at pictures of people who you can't have, or who misrepresent themselves. It's sad, really. Try to be in real life as much as you can. You never know who might come your way if you're out there in the real world.

synkk

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Re: porn, dating and Grindr
« Reply #2 on: September 21, 2019, 03:57:51 PM »
Those apps are not where people find relationships. They are meat-markets, pure and simple. Think about it, some guy you don't know is sending you "nudes". Doesn't that tell you the likelihood of finding a relationship there? You are justifying the use of these apps because you are an introvert, but you also want a relationship. Those two things are not compatible. Either you find a different app where the focus is on personality rather than sex, or you need to learn how to be less introverted. There are plenty of gay people out there. Not everyone found their partner on an app. But you do have to be out there participating in life, socially speaking. I think it would also help you a lot in your life, even if you don't find anyone for a while. Porn (and apps) are very isolating. You spend most of your time alone looking at pictures of people who you can't have, or who misrepresent themselves. It's sad, really. Try to be in real life as much as you can. You never know who might come your way if you're out there in the real world.

hey malando, thanks for getting back to me. i appreciate the feedback but I'm having a tough time agreeing with you. one summer, i attended 3 same-sex weddings where all 3 couples met on grindr. so that tells me there's a chance of love out there. and i'm not justifying my use of apps because i'm an introvert. rather, because i'm an introvert, i feel like i have no choice BUT to use apps. i've gone to gay bars, gay socials, gay dodgeball, volunteering at gay events, gay churc, etc etc etc and none of those have helped me find someone to date. and i can't flick a switch an all of a sudden become less introverted. that's not how it works.

i'm just saddened and frustrated that the thing that could've been the solution to my loneliness (dating apps) has instead become the cause of my addiction.

malando

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Re: porn, dating and Grindr
« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2019, 04:59:51 AM »
Hi Synkk, I guess I should have qualified my remarks by specifying that the use of apps with a specific sexual focus is not a good way to meet people for anything enduring. I think any time you have already seen somebody's whole body, including their junk, before you even sit down for a coffee with them is not a good way to be making somebody's acquaintance. Maybe there are some people going about it in a different way, but from everything I've been told about the apps you mentioned, it's the exception rather than the rule. The other point I'd make is that it's hard for a recovering porn addict to filter out the hyper sexual content from the more toned-down content, so that represents a risk I think. If you feel there is a safe way to engage with your apps, don't let me stand in your way. I don't mean to be too dogmatic about this - I'm just concerned about whether you might be putting yourself in harm's way.

kopp

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Re: porn, dating and Grindr
« Reply #4 on: September 23, 2019, 03:08:39 AM »
All studies point to Tinder/Grindr and social medias badly affecting people's self-esteem.
+ they are highly addictive.

Do you live in a gay-friendly area? Are there gay bars around you?

Quote
i can't flick a switch an all of a sudden become less introverted. that's not how it works.

Start small. Just go out more. Then talk just a bit to people, etc.
Inspired by the Pick Up Artists community, I slowly started to go out more and more and if deep down I'm still an introvert, I met many many people by doing this. Approaching strangers will ALWAYS be stressful, but it's so much more rewarding. Give it a try. Could you do it with a friend?

aidenberg

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Re: porn, dating and Grindr
« Reply #5 on: September 23, 2019, 05:14:32 AM »
I agree with this idea