Author Topic: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary  (Read 356 times)

PeterPoland

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13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« on: September 17, 2019, 09:29:06 AM »
Hello. My name is Peter and I am from Poland. 26 years old of age.. Nowadays, my life sucks due to social anxiety, depression and yes... pornography addiction. I dont know if my pornography habit made my social anxiety worse or creates depression. It might help, but i doubt it was a main cause, because i was bullied a lot, changed 1 school, neve had a girlfriend.. I mean I had once for nearl 2 months , but i broke up with her. I liked her not loved, she wanted somethimg more.. or maybe I was terrified due to my depression, panic attacks and erection problems with her so i couldnt open into relationship and felt very low self esteem.. Ok, enough of this drama. In general, my life is very tough. I drank a lot of alcohol, but I could quit with ease.. porn is 10000x more addictive than alcohol. Sorry for writing above about my mental state, but i needed to throw it out from myself somehow... lets finally talk about porn.

Its September 2019. I have seen a first porn video in 2006 at the age of 13. I remember even know what was the first video and who was there.. I got hooked. 2007 2008 I was downloading thousand of images, searching porn and finding about the best actresses. It was bad but not as bad as after 2009 when youtube has started. All in all, before tube sites I download tb of porn. For me the most addictive and of course most enjoyable were point of view videos... Watching it constantly, I remember I didnt go to school and watch porn for 5 hours or while actually skipping school and walking alone in the city i was watching it... I installed k9, wanted to quit, but each time I quit whenever something bad happened or when I feel bad i come back to porn reinstall or install k9 all the time. It looks like there are two sides of me. One is craving porn every second ans second one wants to be finally free! It is very hard to quit this. Especially if you have social anxiety, depression or paniv attacks. Beware of porn. This is my advice. If you are suffering from mental health problem it will leave you even more isolated and feeling bad.. I am not kidding with this and I want to quit it so bad, but I cant. Hard cravings and temptations, literally porn video scenes played in my dreams...My record is merely 20 days... 13 years is half of my age. A lot of porn. I can easily. Write 100 or 200 actresses names.. I watched again Gary Wilson, Noah and Gabe sfuff and would like to quit this finally for good! I hope this time I can make it. I will write posts here after each 7 days. Thank you for reading this long post, greetings from Poland. Oh, I havent told this yet about myself. Porn is not only my habit. I love sport. I cycled 8000 km by bicycle in 6 months, enjoy swimming and jn general being active. But i need to get rid of THIS bs activity. If i dont I think i will never build a real and strong confidence in me and destroy depression, loneliness and social anxiety which are very hard to live with itself (even without porn).
« Last Edit: September 17, 2019, 09:33:06 AM by PeterPoland »

squid

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Re: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2019, 10:19:36 AM »
Welcome to the nation!  With each day you don't pmo and use that energy towards activities that aren't bs, you'll start to feel a little better.  It's not all linear but each week makes a big difference.  For me now that I'm over 70 days since pmo, I look back and realize how much happier I am.  It's hard to swim with an anchor chained to your leg.  It's significant that you are commiting to a new lifestyle.

I have some questions that may help you.

What will you do when something happens in your life that really bothers you?  How will you express that emotion?  I journal, walk in the woods near my work and run in my neighborhood.

What will you do when an urge hits you?  This is very likely and more frequent in the first month.  Besides the activities listed above, I have a box hidden on my bathroom where I wrote down why I was quiting pmo and some meaningful words.  Also I have a notebook in there for me to journal when I need this emergency box and I have my favorite candy in there as a reward for using the box.

What do you love enough to change for?  For me I am changing for my future, for all the people I love, to make a difference without having a dark secret corroding my foundation.  And to be better able to be intimate.

What is your list of goals?

Lero

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Re: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2019, 10:23:17 AM »
Hello. My name is Peter and I am from Poland. 26 years old of age.. Nowadays, my life sucks due to social anxiety, depression and yes... pornography addiction. I dont know if my pornography habit made my social anxiety worse or creates depression. It might help, but i doubt it was a main cause, because i was bullied a lot, changed 1 school, neve had a girlfriend.. I mean I had once for nearl 2 months , but i broke up with her. I liked her not loved, she wanted somethimg more.. or maybe I was terrified due to my depression, panic attacks and erection problems with her so i couldnt open into relationship and felt very low self esteem.. Ok, enough of this drama. In general, my life is very tough. I drank a lot of alcohol, but I could quit with ease.. porn is 10000x more addictive than alcohol. Sorry for writing above about my mental state, but i needed to throw it out from myself somehow... lets finally talk about porn.

Welcome.

Porn addiction has the potential to increase social anxiety and depression. I don't know if it creates them from scratch but I believe it makes them worse. This has been my experience. I have higher anxiety and depression because of this. Drama is actually good. It's a reminder that we should quit porn if we want to get rid of it. Alcohol could lead to relapses, I know because I've relapsed a lot of times because of drinking. I don't know about your relationship with alcohol but if it makes you relapse on porn, maybe you should stay away from it at least for a while.

Jesse

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Re: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2019, 02:26:48 PM »
Welcome, Peter. Glad to have you here and I hope this place will help you in your recovery. I'm happy to see that you have other established activities already to fill your time. That will help tremendously. Definitely have a plan to deal with urges though, as has already been said. We often use porn to cope and drown out negative emotions. Getting to know yourself in that regard is a major key to success.

And don't feel too bad. Lots of us have similar issues. I have social anxiety myself that's been worsened by my past porn habits and was watching it from the time I was 15 until the age of 28.

Looking forward to seeing your updates and progress. Good luck!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« Reply #4 on: September 17, 2019, 05:20:31 PM »
Like everyone has said, Welcome!

Participating in this community has helped me a lot to make more progress fighting this addiction than ever before. You're in a good place, and we'll beat it together!

Arthur2

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Re: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« Reply #5 on: September 17, 2019, 06:23:13 PM »
It is good to see you here man !

We hate PMO here.

We are a hate group. We hate PMO.

Good luck on your journey.
You made the right decision in journaling here.

squid

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Re: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« Reply #6 on: September 17, 2019, 06:47:24 PM »
It is good to see you here man !

We hate PMO here.

We are a hate group. We hate PMO.

Good luck on your journey.
You made the right decision in journaling here.

Lol speak for yourself Arthur I'm not a hateful guy and I'm not in a hate group ;).  But pmo does suck that's for sure.

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Re: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« Reply #7 on: September 17, 2019, 09:55:17 PM »
Welcome. Your first step is half done for success. So all the best.
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

Lero

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Re: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« Reply #8 on: September 18, 2019, 07:18:21 AM »
It is good to see you here man !

We hate PMO here.

We are a hate group. We hate PMO.

Good luck on your journey.
You made the right decision in journaling here.

Sure, man. Fuck P.

Arthur2

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Re: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« Reply #9 on: September 18, 2019, 10:38:23 AM »
Quote
Lol speak for yourself Arthur I'm not a hateful guy and I'm not in a hate group

 :)

PeterPoland

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Re: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« Reply #10 on: September 19, 2019, 10:02:04 AM »
Welcome to the nation!  With each day you don't pmo and use that energy towards activities that aren't bs, you'll start to feel a little better.  It's not all linear but each week makes a big difference.  For me now that I'm over 70 days since pmo, I look back and realize how much happier I am.  It's hard to swim with an anchor chained to your leg.  It's significant that you are commiting to a new lifestyle.

I have some questions that may help you.

What will you do when something happens in your life that really bothers you?  How will you express that emotion?  I journal, walk in the woods near my work and run in my neighborhood.

What will you do when an urge hits you?  This is very likely and more frequent in the first month.  Besides the activities listed above, I have a box hidden on my bathroom where I wrote down why I was quiting pmo and some meaningful words.  Also I have a notebook in there for me to journal when I need this emergency box and I have my favorite candy in there as a reward for using the box.

What do you love enough to change for?  For me I am changing for my future, for all the people I love, to make a difference without having a dark secret corroding my foundation.  And to be better able to be intimate.

What is your list of goals?

1. What will you do when something happens in your life that really bothers you? It's happening all the time. Social Anxiety, depression, lonelines - best cure is swimming pool and gym. Yesterday I've been to gym for the first time and felt amazing afterwards. Today I have huge muscle soreness ;) In 1 hour I'm visiting swimming pool.
2. When the urge hits me? Thank you man, I've written the same facts/reasons why I shouldn't watch porn and there is also one thing. If i want to WATCH something then i will watch a movie, but normal not X-rated.. like a comedy.
3. List of goals? Better future, girlfriend, children, happy family (i grew up in a broken with divorce) Free of any addiction

Someone asked me above if alcohol made me watch porn more.. No, it was never like that.
Because I started as a 13-years old boy and I didn't drink back then.
I drank a lot, because I was depressed. Social Anxiety, panic attacks, loneliness it's a hard thing to deal with.
It's funny for me, though I can easily quit alcohol any time. Porn is unbeleviably hard to quit. I think it has something with my social anxiety. Becase when you're having social anxiety, you want to have more friends, you want to have a lovely girl, and you want sex so bad....It's hard to explain you're having kind of FEAR of FEAR. You want to have a girl, have friends, but in the same time you're body reacts in very unpleasant symptoms and you are thinking of this even before it happens. One day, when I was going to college i took with myself 5 spare t-shirts in case of sweat(i knew something bad can happen with me again..). It was winter! -20 Degrees Celcius. I was constantly changing all of these t-shirts due to stress... They were all wet. It wasn't hard day i mean exam or sth.. It's just how body reacts with spending time surrounded all day by people... You feel very alone, you feel empty. Porn can fix you of this emptiness, but only for a while. Then, after you finish what you're doing you feel like sh#@$!$%!^%#!$!#t. Worst case scenario for me is feeling bad, very bad sometimes and forced to see happy couples on the streat. This for me is devastating, because I want to have a girl, but it's damn hard with low self-esteem and Social Phobia.
So like I said I've been drinking a lot, but it not made me watch porn more.
Now i don't drink at all (even one gulp) for about 20 days and i'm good with this. I know I would be able not to drink in this year.
But yeah... I'm having battle with porn or like a WAR so i think after 30 days of no PMO (hard mode) I will reward myself, by 2 cold beers. It's not much. I think. Good as a reward.


My PMO time is - 2 days 18 hours 10 minutes. (I set time counter) after last relapse and feeling like shit...






« Last Edit: September 19, 2019, 10:13:38 AM by PeterPoland »

Lero

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Re: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« Reply #11 on: September 19, 2019, 10:57:38 AM »
It was me who asked about alcohol. I asked that because alcohol makes someone lose the inhibitions, numb himself and here you could not care anymore about watching porn. It happens to me. I had to quit drinking.

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Re: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« Reply #12 on: September 19, 2019, 10:14:38 PM »
You have well thought out answers, that's a good sign.  Are you on a consistent exercise program? 

PeterPoland

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Re: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« Reply #13 on: September 21, 2019, 12:30:21 PM »
After 4 days and 20 hours first problem. Yesterday I've had some panic attacks and felt very bad.. Later on I've entered porn even knowing I don't want to enter... I turn on a website then switch it off and then turn it for 2 hours and watch, little bit edging but no orgasm. Does it count as a relapse? I think yes...
I know three things for sure from now on:
1) Porn is extremely dangerous. If you only have a glimpse of it, it's hard to control yourself..
2) Yes, i have social anxiety or panic attacks, but porn is not a remedy..
3) Do I have to set my METER to zero if as i say edged watch quite a lot, but didn't have orgasm?

I regreit it it's very hard. I read somewhere that EDGING and slow masturbation is even worse than watching porn for quick time and relapse? Am I right? If yes... then i should reset my counting of days.
All in All, it's a WAR not a fight.. but i think i see light in the tunnel...
Social anxiety and this panic attacks is stopping me in knowing people/a girlfriend.. I think if I had a girlfriend - I wouldn't be tempted so much into porn..

« Last Edit: September 21, 2019, 12:32:35 PM by PeterPoland »

Lero

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Re: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« Reply #14 on: September 21, 2019, 01:36:13 PM »
Yes, watching porn deliberately is a relapse. Also, edging and watching porn for hours does a lot of damage because it "fries the brain" a lot. It's not like you watched porn, masturbated, finished in 5 minutes and then never returned to it. Of course this is bad too, you don't want to do this either, but edging and watching porn for hours is overkill for the dopamine receptors. If I relapsed, I rather relapsed in 10 minutes than at the end of hours long edging session (which I've done a tone). I'm not saying you should relapse with the 10 minutes version either.
« Last Edit: September 21, 2019, 01:38:53 PM by Lero »

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Re: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« Reply #15 on: September 21, 2019, 03:53:20 PM »
Quote
I regreit it it's very hard. I read somewhere that EDGING and slow masturbation is even worse than watching porn for quick time and relapse? Am I right? If yes... then i should reset my counting of days.
All in All, it's a WAR not a fight.. but i think i see light in the tunnel...
Social anxiety and this panic attacks is stopping me in knowing people/a girlfriend.. I think if I had a girlfriend - I wouldn't be tempted so much into porn..

I found out that edging and slow M is building up hornyness for DAYS after. Even if you dont O that particular time, you build hornyness that will last for days and days after that, so that you become much more likely to relapse.

And there is that frying of the brain too.

So yeah, avoid at all cost.

It is truly a long lasting war. So if you have setbacks you should just see it as a losing a battle, not losing the war. Because in every war there will be errors made by your army that will lead to a defeat.
But that doesnt mean that you lose the war.
The only way to fail is to quit.

Like Ender who relapsed and then we didnt hear about him anymore. He probably quit the journey altogether because for him maybe he had the "all-or-nothing" mindset.

I hope he didnt quit but he sounded like he did. And he even wrote here things that were making me worry for his very safety.

For him losing a battle was losing the war, but it is not true.

I will remind you that quote that yea even Ender was quoting i think. Or maybe it was on his journal.

I think that is him who quoted it ironically :

"The succesful man has failed more times than the unsuccesful man has even tried."

Life is defeats and victories. You learn from your defeats and capitalize on your victories. That is how you grow.

If there is never any defeats it means that you are trying to accomplish nothing.

Stay strong.

Lero

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Re: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« Reply #16 on: September 21, 2019, 04:33:20 PM »
Yes, Arthur, that's right. I've realized too that edging (even just for 10 minutes) started that chain reaction where eventually I ended up relapsing days later (after edging some more in the previous days or the same day). It's the wrong step that sends you rolling all the way to the bottom of the slope. The best solution is to stay away completely from peeking and edging (even edging to fantasies and flashbacks). Like this you can avoid that chain reaction.

But, a relapse involves a mistake. Otherwise you wouldn't relapse if you didn't make any mistake. Stand firm and find out the mistake. Then do things to avoid it.

Arthur2

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Re: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« Reply #17 on: September 21, 2019, 04:44:18 PM »
Yeah ! Isnt that crazy how hornyness builds up in the body for days, after you edge ?!
Then it really takes days for that hornyness to lower again and be more bearable.
All the while making the sobriety harder to sustain.

I started edge 3 days ago (now i confess my mistake) and deep down i knew it was gonna lead to relapse.

I deserve to be slapped.


Lero

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Re: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« Reply #18 on: September 21, 2019, 04:57:33 PM »
Yeah ! Isnt that crazy how hornyness builds up in the body for days, after you edge ?!
Then it really takes days for that hornyness to lower again and be more bearable.
All the while making the sobriety harder to sustain.

I started edge 3 days ago (now i confess my mistake) and deep down i knew it was gonna lead to relapse.

I deserve to be slapped.

Haha here is a slap for you from me.

What you've done is what I used to do. I would make it to day 7, edge, edge again on day 9, edge again on day 10, and then relapse on full PMO on day 11. See how sneaky this thing is? Like I said, the wrong step that sends you rolling all the way to the bottom and you can't stop yourself. The key is: Don't even start.

Arthur2

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Re: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« Reply #19 on: September 21, 2019, 05:56:08 PM »
Ah, tough love again.
Thank you.
 :)

Lero

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Re: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« Reply #20 on: September 22, 2019, 04:18:13 AM »
Ah, tough love again.
Thank you.
 :)

haha

PeterPoland

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Re: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« Reply #21 on: September 24, 2019, 04:08:13 PM »
Relapsed... dunno why. At the morning I was happy 8 days without porn and did it again.
Omg..
Starting now then.. Pornography it's so hard to quit, but i won't give up..
Why I relapsed? I felt bad (depression, anxiety) sometimes i have unpleasant panic attacks.. (sweating, stomache, headache) and so on...
Then I was sad and bored and TURN OFF my anti-porn program and glimpsed just a bit, then more than a bit and ...... #@!#!!# $

As I said - here we go again..
Dissapointed though..

« Last Edit: September 24, 2019, 04:17:43 PM by PeterPoland »

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Re: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« Reply #22 on: September 24, 2019, 05:46:01 PM »
Don't be too hard on yourself, you journaled about it and that significant.  Put lots of detail in your journal, find your triggers, find you love of something and make a plan and chase that love.  You got this!

Arthur2

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Re: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« Reply #23 on: September 24, 2019, 06:37:28 PM »
of course, tougher cravings often come at around day 7.

Unpleasant withdrawal symptoms are to be expected.

Arthur2

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Re: 13 years of porn prison.. Peter's diary
« Reply #24 on: September 24, 2019, 06:38:31 PM »
Dont even start that slippery slope. Kill the PMO thought "in the egg" before you start acting on it.