Author Topic: still going strong/still no career  (Read 813 times)

olafthewise

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still going strong/still no career
« on: August 30, 2019, 06:14:24 AM »
The porn quit date was Nov 2017. My full confession to my wife was around May 2019. Reboot nation use was around 2015 when I reduced my porn viewing habits about 90%.
As I said in other posts, it is still too late. The 8 years of unemployment, welfare and worthless graduate degree, have not helped my low self esteem. I suffer incredible depression due to a lack of identity and a guilty past of daily/weekly porn use.

enough this.

I see that many here still retain jobs and marriages. This is a mystery to me. The Lord has gifted me a life in my late 50's with embarrassment, humiliation and ruin before all men. My job is $15/hr and my older kids see me as a joke.
I move on. Porn is not an answer.
duty to my kids and wife remain. I can't believe I spent so much time in porn.

idunno

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Re: still going strong/still no career
« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2019, 06:15:08 PM »
Worthless graduate degree -- I share that, Sir Olaf. And the feeling of being useless sometimes. People with actual jobs and skills seem like exotic creatures to me sometimes! Hope you're getting by OK.

olafthewise

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Re: still going strong/still no career
« Reply #2 on: October 13, 2019, 05:46:32 AM »
I have beaten myself up for the last 2 years for my failures and the ruin that the Lord has given me. The reality of my failure comes to one undeniable fact; it is too late and there is nothing I can do about my ruin or my past. The shame I feel toward my past porn use is extreme.
However, my wife knows my shame and there are still kids in my house and I remain committed to fitness and health. I cannot repay the Lord for my shortcomings. I cannot give my wife a stellar man who worked 30 years in a grand career. As I said, it is over. I often find myself in long, out-loud conversations with God about the past and present and about His lack of expected action. Then I remember my shame and sin. I will be 60 in a few years. No legacy. No retirement. Just an hourly job that pays the bills and welfare for the kids. My surrender is here.
My warning about porn: get out while you can!

bob

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Re: still going strong/still no career
« Reply #3 on: October 13, 2019, 06:36:14 PM »
Please consider getting into a group or talking to someone.

If the shame is still there, you are not free of this thing. SA or SAA are 12 step programs that may provide some help or comfort. You deserve some support.

Peace

jixu

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Re: still going strong/still no career
« Reply #4 on: October 14, 2019, 12:59:56 PM »
Dreams Die Hard On Sunset Boulevard.  Lead guitar, movie star, Yankees late inning closer, high-ranking vice-president in a Fortune 500 company-some things will not happen for us. 

When you have a family, when you are responsible for people, you have to do what you have to do-it is just that simple.  Further, we can only do what we can only do.  If you have tried your best to better your situation, and if you are doing honest work, then that is something you should be able to make peace with.  Many in your situation would get out of Dodge or plunge themselves into substance abuse.  Also, once in awhile apply for other stuff and don't foreclose the possibility of surprises.

Although another topic for another day, you seem to have a rewards and merits based theological strand that is off-base, IMHO.  Yes, there is a principle of you reap what you sow-that is undeniable.  Yet, that principle doesn't apply equally to all aspects, especially categories of redemption. 

Hang in there-you are doing the right thing.  Didn't say it was easy, but at least it is right.  A clear conscience goes a long way in this world.         

olafthewise

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Re: still going strong/still no career
« Reply #5 on: October 18, 2019, 05:32:03 AM »
in response to "getting help'' or, talk to "someone." I am not an advocate of "talking it out." Psychological principles and mental health guidelines have a mostly 95% failure rate. I know that some council is good, but I fully understand my need for "brain stimulation." (porn in this case) I began this withdrawal from porn in 2015. At that time, I never perceived a slow-down of my daily porn viewing habits. and yet I saw hope in understanding my own brains' need for stimulation mostly as a result of my failures in my career pursuit.
even now I have a need for the same brain stimulation but instead seek "other means." My wife has helped to fill the real sexual part...

in response to my shame;
I am dealing with a reality of never achieving my career goals and the aftermath of a battle that cost me dearly. Just as in a conventional war, there is an end and a peace. Count the dead and wounded, heal from injuries, rebuild cities broken from war, find ways to have lasting peace and face the totality of the horror of war in memory.
In porn I look back at my history, try to grasp the years of wasted time, pollution to my mind, realize the damage done to my family in absences when I could have spent more time with them and then realize that just like the lost or dead soldiers...I too cannot go back and resurect jobs, opportunities or remove my sin. The past remains in the past.
like I said, I am still cleaning up or at least grasping my personal responsibility to what I did to myself. I see light in my future. God has positioned me to be something different than what I envisioned at age 27. But like in war, we all lose something.
I simply must accept it and move on. I got kids ya know. 

lyon03

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Re: still going strong/still no career
« Reply #6 on: November 01, 2019, 06:18:12 AM »
Hi Olaf! Congratulations on going porn-free my friend. It sounds like you're on the right track brother. Thinking of you and your family. Love Lyon. 

Rex

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Re: still going strong/still no career
« Reply #7 on: November 01, 2019, 12:26:40 PM »
olafthewise,

Nothing punches harder than life, the last year has been the toughest year of my life.  I have been suffering from Lyme disease for 10 years with the last a little over a year has been full of despair and immense suffering.  However just like you I am now free from porn and my health very recently has been improving. Getting rid of the chains of this addiction is the victory of a lifetime.  I owe it all to God. 

You're struggling right now with your career and job.  However this is momentary, God will get you through it just as He helped you recover from your addiction to PMO.  It always seems darkest before the dawn.  You may not see your job or career changing but the turn of events to get you out of the career slump that you are currently in is right around the corner.  Doesn't matter that your pushing towards 60 years of age.  I am sure good things will happen to you in your career.  Put your trust in God and try to be upbeat, keep a smile on your face and don't let your current circumstance keep you down. 

Years ago when I graduated from college I went to work in a field where I failed every step of the way.  I was fired from a job that I worked almost 80 hours a week at and gave everything I had into, they didn't appreciate my hard work.  I then went to work for another employer in that same field that appreciated my hard work and that job only lasted for few months until it folded. I was trying so hard to make it in a field where my college degree was in and I couldn't make it.  I felt like such a failure.  I then tried to go back and get work in a field of work I had done while in college and I was turned down.  All the doors had closed for me.  I then began to pray to Jesus to show me where he wanted me to be.  I even went as far as to say if you want me to be a priest, then I will become a priest.  Within a short time after that sincere prayer I was still looking for job in the field where all the doors continued to close and suddenly out of nowhere an opportunity for a low paying job in a new field of work, which my college degree was worthless, opened up.  That job led to me getting good experience in that field and to a better paying job in that field and after a few years I was making very good money in that field after hard work.  I have been in this field for the last 27 years and I love it.  So my advice is to you is to ask Jesus to show you where He wants you to be in terms of your career/profession/vocation, He'll definitely show you and you'll be happy and feel fulfilled. 

I'll pray for you and your family.  Keep fighting the good fight!

..

« Last Edit: November 01, 2019, 01:11:55 PM by Rex »
Rex
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olafthewise

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Re: still going strong/still no career
« Reply #8 on: November 13, 2019, 02:50:52 AM »
Uh....Bob....no I am not still having problems with porn. 12 step is good for some, not me. I'm doing well.