Author Topic: still going strong/still no career  (Read 159 times)

olafthewise

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still going strong/still no career
« on: August 30, 2019, 06:14:24 AM »
The porn quit date was Nov 2017. My full confession to my wife was around May 2019. Reboot nation use was around 2015 when I reduced my porn viewing habits about 90%.
As I said in other posts, it is still too late. The 8 years of unemployment, welfare and worthless graduate degree, have not helped my low self esteem. I suffer incredible depression due to a lack of identity and a guilty past of daily/weekly porn use.

enough this.

I see that many here still retain jobs and marriages. This is a mystery to me. The Lord has gifted me a life in my late 50's with embarrassment, humiliation and ruin before all men. My job is $15/hr and my older kids see me as a joke.
I move on. Porn is not an answer.
duty to my kids and wife remain. I can't believe I spent so much time in porn.

idunno

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Re: still going strong/still no career
« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2019, 06:15:08 PM »
Worthless graduate degree -- I share that, Sir Olaf. And the feeling of being useless sometimes. People with actual jobs and skills seem like exotic creatures to me sometimes! Hope you're getting by OK.

olafthewise

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Re: still going strong/still no career
« Reply #2 on: October 13, 2019, 05:46:32 AM »
I have beaten myself up for the last 2 years for my failures and the ruin that the Lord has given me. The reality of my failure comes to one undeniable fact; it is too late and there is nothing I can do about my ruin or my past. The shame I feel toward my past porn use is extreme.
However, my wife knows my shame and there are still kids in my house and I remain committed to fitness and health. I cannot repay the Lord for my shortcomings. I cannot give my wife a stellar man who worked 30 years in a grand career. As I said, it is over. I often find myself in long, out-loud conversations with God about the past and present and about His lack of expected action. Then I remember my shame and sin. I will be 60 in a few years. No legacy. No retirement. Just an hourly job that pays the bills and welfare for the kids. My surrender is here.
My warning about porn: get out while you can!

bob

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Re: still going strong/still no career
« Reply #3 on: October 13, 2019, 06:36:14 PM »
Please consider getting into a group or talking to someone.

If the shame is still there, you are not free of this thing. SA or SAA are 12 step programs that may provide some help or comfort. You deserve some support.

Peace

jixu

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Re: still going strong/still no career
« Reply #4 on: October 14, 2019, 12:59:56 PM »
Dreams Die Hard On Sunset Boulevard.  Lead guitar, movie star, Yankees late inning closer, high-ranking vice-president in a Fortune 500 company-some things will not happen for us. 

When you have a family, when you are responsible for people, you have to do what you have to do-it is just that simple.  Further, we can only do what we can only do.  If you have tried your best to better your situation, and if you are doing honest work, then that is something you should be able to make peace with.  Many in your situation would get out of Dodge or plunge themselves into substance abuse.  Also, once in awhile apply for other stuff and don't foreclose the possibility of surprises.

Although another topic for another day, you seem to have a rewards and merits based theological strand that is off-base, IMHO.  Yes, there is a principle of you reap what you sow-that is undeniable.  Yet, that principle doesn't apply equally to all aspects, especially categories of redemption. 

Hang in there-you are doing the right thing.  Didn't say it was easy, but at least it is right.  A clear conscience goes a long way in this world.         

olafthewise

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Re: still going strong/still no career
« Reply #5 on: October 18, 2019, 05:32:03 AM »
in response to "getting help'' or, talk to "someone." I am not an advocate of "talking it out." Psychological principles and mental health guidelines have a mostly 95% failure rate. I know that some council is good, but I fully understand my need for "brain stimulation." (porn in this case) I began this withdrawal from porn in 2015. At that time, I never perceived a slow-down of my daily porn viewing habits. and yet I saw hope in understanding my own brains' need for stimulation mostly as a result of my failures in my career pursuit.
even now I have a need for the same brain stimulation but instead seek "other means." My wife has helped to fill the real sexual part...

in response to my shame;
I am dealing with a reality of never achieving my career goals and the aftermath of a battle that cost me dearly. Just as in a conventional war, there is an end and a peace. Count the dead and wounded, heal from injuries, rebuild cities broken from war, find ways to have lasting peace and face the totality of the horror of war in memory.
In porn I look back at my history, try to grasp the years of wasted time, pollution to my mind, realize the damage done to my family in absences when I could have spent more time with them and then realize that just like the lost or dead soldiers...I too cannot go back and resurect jobs, opportunities or remove my sin. The past remains in the past.
like I said, I am still cleaning up or at least grasping my personal responsibility to what I did to myself. I see light in my future. God has positioned me to be something different than what I envisioned at age 27. But like in war, we all lose something.
I simply must accept it and move on. I got kids ya know.