Author Topic: Re-Rebooting  (Read 287 times)

Quit

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Re-Rebooting
« on: August 28, 2019, 04:05:38 PM »
I've struggled with Rebooting before and I stopped using some resources to no avail so I am going to try again. I used to be on this site but I left some reasons but I think I'll head back and take another crack at it. I'm doing better as time goes on with each restart teaching me more and more but I'm coming off of a complete relapse and I don't want to be this way anymore. I'm tired of spending so much time feeding this issue and I want to improve my life for the better. I'm tired of restarting, telling myself no more, and then failing again. It's annoying and I don't want to repeat last year before I even discovered rebooting. It seemed like most of my time was spent PMOing with brief breaks in between. I'm practically spending my whole youth behind the computer screen doing this to women who aren't real and I could never have while addiction-free people my age are interacting with each other and having relationships and whatnot. That needs to be me too.

So a brief overview of the things I've been doing. I am going to counseling, both group, and individual. The group is for social reasons unrelated to PMO but the individual counseling is where I dissect a lot of these PMO problems. I actively work out and have the ability to spend a lot of my time in a social setting surrounded by people which can prevent me from looking at P (I refuse to be the guy who whips out porn in public because that's weird). My schedule is really busy so that keeps me off the computer but the downtime and relaxation time is where it gets me. I've been wrestling with rebooting for about a year so I'm not new and know a fair deal about it. It just appears that I need some extra support and resources to help me. I'm going to aim to journal on here at least once a week or when I'm feeling tested. Let's hope this reboot effort is the one that finally gets me out of this addiction.


Arthur2

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Re: Re-Rebooting
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2019, 04:18:43 PM »
Hello and welcome back here.

My name is Arthur and i started i think 3 weeks ago to write here. Right now i am on day 6 of hard mode and i want to do it forever.
I have learned so much about myself and my addiction since i started to write here, and i feel like i have way more help since i started here.

In order to increase the accountability, i suggest you write daily here.
At least that is what i do and it keeps me busy and focused on not relapsing when i take rest.

Because i am like you : the times that i relax and rest are the times i can be vulnerable. So instead of having nothing to do, i write here.

And besides that, if you know that you are gonna write daily, it will help you not to relapse, because everyday you will have in mind to report a victory at the end of the day and not to report a relapse.

Good luck.
You have tough times ahead but tremendous benefits are coming your way.

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Re: Re-Rebooting
« Reply #2 on: August 30, 2019, 11:39:53 AM »
Nice to meet you. I would love to write here daily but I gotta be realistic with my schedule. I've thought about writing here when I'm feeling at risk, like right now, beyond that once a week goal. That goal is also more of a minimum guideline for me. I intend on writing here more than that but I just don't want to claim I will post here daily when I may not be able to. I posted daily when I used to be on this site but I had some more time then. I am a college student so things are a little messy time-wise. But I will take your suggestion into account. If I got the free time and I'm having a rough go of it alone, I may just switch back to daily posts and make it happen.

I've tried different approaches since I started Rebooting. I tried hard mode and no PMO with occasional MO if I can't focus. One thing I learned is that it is very important that I do hard mode for at least a month. Withdrawals hit me the hardest during the first 2 weeks or so and that 3rd and 4th week I feel is necessary idle time that may or may not carry into the standard 90 days. That being said I've never gone more than 15 days clean due to rookie mistakes like testing my resolve with exposure or entertaining utilitarian MO too much. While in the moment that didn't cause me to fail, it invited a slippery slope that resulted in a reset or in a few cases a complete relapse. But every time I fail I learn more about what works for me and what doesn't. I wish you luck on your journey. Stay strong and stick to your goal because the benefits of PMO don't hold a candle to the benefits of being in control of your life.

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Re: Re-Rebooting
« Reply #3 on: August 30, 2019, 07:36:21 PM »
Yes thank you for the encouragement.

Frankly, if you are too busy to write here, it is a very good sign for you, because being busy is a major key on the nofap journey.

Also avoid at all cost to even start that sliplery slope.

You have to learn how to recognize the slightesttought of PMO in your brain and shut it down as soon as it comes. Don' t entertain it even a bit.

And if you can' t distract yourself by lets say doing something else, because it is at night and your cant go out, at least don' t touch you ever and don' t start "doing" anything.

God bless your journey.

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Re: Re-Rebooting
« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2019, 06:39:37 PM »
It was absolutely crazy past few weeks. Very stressful but because of the stress, I wasn't able to build the momentum I needed to keep pushing towards my reboot. Things are starting to slow down and I've been able to think about myself and what I need to do. I've done a lot of self-development and I'm trying new things and I feel very mentally strong because of it. That's why official I've decided to do hard mode. I feel like my past willingness to entertain "utilitarian" MO hasn't helped me any further on my journey. I don't like the idea of no sex because I fitting to start putting myself back out there. But I have to understand what I want to happen vs. what I need to happen. I need to beat this habit and I want to beat it now. So I'm going to go all in.

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Re: Re-Rebooting
« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2019, 06:01:19 AM »
Yep. I believe hard mode is the way to go.
Good luck.

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Re: Re-Rebooting
« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2019, 10:11:39 PM »
The first day of hard mode is down and it was pretty easy. However, I have been at this long enough to know myself. Day two or 3 is when things start to hit me hard with the first week being the most blatantly difficult due to fresh withdrawals. Something I have learned is that the best way to combat the urge is to fill that time up with things that produce similar, high-intensity dopamine releases. PMO is a very intense dopamine release that lasts a very short amount of time. The best thing I've found to do is the replace that time with things that are also fairly high on dopamine release and are very short in duration too. The only thing I currently know of that seems to have a similar feeling of pay off is routine based things like sleeping, showering, shaving, cleaning, etc. They are inherently productive and there is a sense of accomplishment and reward due to the dopamine release of those activities. Today I worked, did laundry, went grocery shopping, did homework in my college classes, and a few other easy chores. But I must prepare. Tomorrow is when things start to get more difficult and I can only expect my body to put me to the test. Winter is coming...lol

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Re: Re-Rebooting
« Reply #7 on: September 21, 2019, 09:11:53 AM »
Keep in mind to achieve any goal consistent performance and hardwork is important. So be there at your point. You can do it. You don't need another new chance to start again. You already have it . so prove yourself.
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

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Re: Re-Rebooting
« Reply #8 on: September 21, 2019, 09:40:54 PM »
Day 2 of hard mode is nearly complete. I was tested a little bit this morning while I was playing some games. It had been an insanely busy past two weeks so I wanted to switch off and reward myself with some game time. But while I was waiting for an update, I found myself bored. That's when the urge started to act up. But I persevered. I ended up getting focused on the game and going out in town afterward to take advantage of the saturday. I didn't have any problems. I'm mildly tested now but it's not very strong. I intend to push it out of my mind after this post. The roughest withdrawals have yet to happen, however. Day 3 is usually when the difficulty begins to mount. As an added effort, I'm trying to limit my time on my computer and phone as much as possible and stay off of them when I have no purpose to use them. It's kind of a "kill two birds with one stone" scenario because it also prevents me from putzing around on social media and looking at memes when I could be doing more productive and entertaining things.

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Re: Re-Rebooting
« Reply #9 on: September 22, 2019, 10:22:49 PM »
Day 3 is almost at its end. As expected, the difficulty is starting to increase. I find sexual thoughts trying to creep their way into my mind more now. It's almost like a whispering voice. The urge knaws at me here and there but I've still been able to stay in control and it seems easier than previous times so far. But I still have a very long road ahead that I try not to think about. I've been able to stay busy today and probably will be just as busy tomorrow too. It's still too early to feel any kind of benefits. My longest streak is just a couple days past 2 weeks but I remember that was when I started feeling benefits. I felt more alert and had more motivation to do things.

So far things have been a lot easier than before, almost suspiciously easy compared to other times I've rebooted. I'm not sure why this instance is different than the others. Maybe it is because I am doing hard mode. The past times I felt conflicted over how to treat my reboot. Whether or not MO is okay by itself or if memories are okay or not. Perhaps I feel more liberated with my reboot now because I've chosen the simplest method in regard to what you can and cannot do. Hard mode is very black and white whereas the more flexible methods give leeway to different choices. But I can't say whether hard mode is better than any other method. I've just already tried more lenient types of reboot and if they were going to work for me I figure they already would have due to how many reboot attempts I have under my belt. Or maybe I just finally reached the point where I am over PMO as an activity because I've finally got it through my head that I really am not benefitting from it.

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Re: Re-Rebooting
« Reply #10 on: September 23, 2019, 08:59:40 AM »
The withdrawals are hitting me like a freight train today, which I expected. I'm trying to keep my composure but my body craving the dopamine like crazy. I have enough to do that I think I can keep myself busy but I'm keeping myself in public as an added safety measure. I almost failed this morning. I had triggered myself and the "hunting" started. But I stopped it. Fortunately, idle time was limited and I actually could not indulge without having external consequences (had to go to class). The external consequences were annoying enough to make me want to show up to class on time. I keep trying to remind myself that this is temporary and will go away but I definitely have my work cut out for me. I will probably post on here again today once this evening rolls around.

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Re: Re-Rebooting
« Reply #11 on: September 26, 2019, 04:43:23 PM »
Failed. Starting over tomorrow.

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Re: Re-Rebooting
« Reply #12 on: September 26, 2019, 11:56:21 PM »
Please start again. I relapsed yesterday night. But now at morning i am easily dealing with my urges. I think years of fight with urges is now giving benefits. This shows how the relapse is important for us. When i rebooted fully i know my all urges. As you said what can and what can't is an important thing.
I count my relapses. The number is in 82 times i relapsed. This are only 82 days i counted. In that at some day i did it 3 times.
So i think now i am strong to ignore urges. Today is my day 1 lets see what happens.
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

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Re: Re-Rebooting
« Reply #13 on: October 03, 2019, 04:56:28 AM »
I have a few days of a streak under my belt. I've passed the more intense parts of the withdrawals and it was rough. I slipped up on a more rigid version of hard mode during that time due to exposure but I got out of the situations before a reset could occur. Some people technically would say that that would be a reset but I'm going to cut myself some slack given the circumstances of the situation and given my new goal. While I still consider my streak going I've decided that new Year day would be when I officially say my hard 90 is complete. That would add an extra few days for good measure before I let myself sit down and examine my state of being. Plus I like the idea of waking up on new years day and saying to myself that I am going into 2020 in control of this issue that has been growing since my teens.

I am not out of the woods yet. While the initial wave of withdrawals has passed, I'm still not at a full week clean. This is the most crucial time and I also haven't beaten my record of 2 weeks yet. I know that the first week is always the worst with the urge slowly starting to taper off at the end of week two. I've only made it to week 2 twice and both times I failed because of rookie mistakes. The first mistake was "testing" myself. The second mistake was thinking that a utilitarian MO session was okay. Both set me up for failure that I'm not looking to repeat because of the nature of what hard mode is.

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Re: Re-Rebooting
« Reply #14 on: October 03, 2019, 05:32:02 AM »
That's good, man. Lately, things start getting tough after I pass the first week. In the past, it happened on day 4. It's only about 3 or 4 days later but when you relapse constantly on day 4, reaching day 9 looks like a big thing, I guess. Probably this "muscle" gets trained and it could handle it better. But I have to push myself through hard times to make my brain understand that it's possible to go longer without PMO. Anyway, good luck.

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Re: Re-Rebooting
« Reply #15 on: October 03, 2019, 12:49:27 PM »
That's good, man. Lately, things start getting tough after I pass the first week. In the past, it happened on day 4. It's only about 3 or 4 days later but when you relapse constantly on day 4, reaching day 9 looks like a big thing, I guess. Probably this "muscle" gets trained and it could handle it better. But I have to push myself through hard times to make my brain understand that it's possible to go longer without PMO. Anyway, good luck.

I can relate. I'm getting hit hard right now with withdrawals. After I'm done posting here I'm going to go to a public place so I can take my mind off the urge. I'm in a high-risk state right now of reset and I can't let myself stay in a situation where I can most likely fail. I'm hoping this start tapering off because not only do I crave it, I feel like garbage by not having it. But I must persevere. I need to do this hard 90 once and for all. I'm tired of going a few days and failing, then feeling bad, then getting motivated and hopeful again only to repeat the cycle.

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Re: Re-Rebooting
« Reply #16 on: October 04, 2019, 11:40:50 PM »
It's been a long, difficult first week. It was a sloppy first week too. Through accidental exposures and difficultly staying away from triggers, I did not handle the first week as clean as I wanted to. I did not fail, but it was messy as hell and I'm afraid it will only prolong my rebooting process. While it is better than the "relapse, regret, retry, repeat" cycle, I need to be accountable with myself and I could have done much better. But I also shouldn't beat myself up too badly about it either because I haven't given in to the urge even though my brain is screaming for a fix. Being realistic, the first week is very difficult to get through and I can't expect myself to just be able to switch it off and go perfect cold turkey immediately when I've never been able to before. If I could do that I wouldn't even be here. I just shouldn't let that be an excuse since that can lead to my reboot devolving into the half measure of excuses and rationalizations. It's happened to me before and it doesn't work.

I do feel a difference and it's a double-edged sword. Because I'm no longer drained through constant PMO all the time, I feel more energetic. It feels like some vitality has returned. The problem is, that energy not only motivates my positive outlook more but my body has more energy to devote to negative thought processes too. Addiction is not the only thing that brings me dissatisfaction in my life. I suspect that this negative vitality is part of the fuel that keeps the PMO cycle going. Now that I am facing down these issues that cause my negative emotions without my usual escapism, life seems very cold and underwhelming. I also wonder if these emotions are part of the withdrawals too. I don't give into to the urge and that frustration compounds my reactions in coping with other existing problems.

Tomorrow marks the end of week one and the start of week two. My goal is to tighten up the bolts on my efforts and do better than I did last week. I need to focus on getting my life back on track too. I let a lot of stuff fall by the wayside because of my struggle this week and it's not helping my mental state. Rebooting is difficult enough. I owe it to myself to not make it any harder than it already is.

New Year's day seems so far away.
« Last Edit: October 04, 2019, 11:45:04 PM by Quit »

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Re: Re-Rebooting
« Reply #17 on: October 06, 2019, 12:31:49 AM »
Today started off a little shakey but I persevered and its been a pretty smooth day since. I've had some stuff to do so that's helped. The withdrawals are starting to subside as expected around about this time. But this is when I need to double down on my diligence. Week two is when the blatant cravings taper off and the more sinister, sneaky things with the addiction starts. This is when the rationalizations and bartering start to take place when I am feeling pent up. The thoughts like "What if I just MO'd to take the edge off", "What if I MO'd to non-porn", "What if I just messed around without external stimulus and didn't O" etc. These things have been the cause of resets and relapses before. I'm hoping wisdom gained through experience and the fact that I am actually doing hard mode now will tip the scales in my favor this time.

There is an aspect that I am trying to think about that is affecting me currently. I try to keep my mind as clear of pornographic thoughts and sexual thoughts as much as possible. That's tough but when it does pop up, it doesn't really trigger me and I just can calmly be mindful of it and let it pass while maintaining my reboot efforts. Right now, however, I find myself thinking more about the intimacy aspect of attraction and sex more than the actual act itself. Things like sharing intense eye contact with a woman or physical touch that's charged but not physically sexual. It's stuff that happens during attraction but not necessarily just during sex and those same things are often absent in porn. The conflict I face is if it is just another sneaky manifestation of the addiction and if it is currently detrimental to what I am trying to do. It doesn't trigger me to go look at porn but I know hard mode is a state of complete abstinence of PMO and sex with respect to both body and mind. Since these things are part of natural sexual attraction and interaction, the question is if these things something I should stay away from during the hard 90 or not. I don't want to slow my progress but I also know these things are a natural part of real-life too.

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Re: Re-Rebooting
« Reply #18 on: October 07, 2019, 12:11:06 AM »
Today was a pretty good day up to a few minutes ago. I should have just went to sleep rather than hop on the internet. Well, I got triggered and almost lost control. I got out of the situation and came here instead before a reset could occur. It is clear to me that I'm not out of the woods yet when it comes to the beginning struggles of a reboot. But I find it much easier to handle myself now than last week. I still need to become vigilant and I really need to do better about trigger management and avoidance. If I don't nip this aspect of the problem in the bud it'll only slow me down and make rebooting that much more difficult. The difficulty of hard mode is not to be underestimated. But tomorrow is another day. My goal for this week is to do even better about eliminating triggering situations. I'm hoping these stupid little hang-ups are just a beginning issue and as I progress with hard mode further into the month my efforts will make them less and less of a problem. I might even consider extending hard mode to 4 months depending on how things look once the 90 days end. Personally I would like to foster a life free of masturbation too with my main release from that with a partner. But that's something I'm only going to think about once these 90 days are complete.

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Re: Re-Rebooting
« Reply #19 on: October 08, 2019, 07:18:34 PM »
Today was good overall. It's getting easier and easier to deal with triggers and exposures and they are coming less and less. I've used the rather janky first week to adjust a few things based on my internet use habits and the applications I use. There was one particular instance of a minor triggering and slight exposure due to an account on a social media service I wasn't interested in using. I wasn't really affected but I decided to deactivate the service to skip any possible future issues and because I just didn't care about the service anyway. This was about 10 minutes ago so for added support I decided to journal here. The good thing about that situation is I actively didn't feel much of a drive to entertain the situation. Had this been last week, I would have gotten triggered and the urge would start to build up and I would have to shut down my computer and do something else or face another failure. This time, I would say it was there but very minor, very weak, and was easily disregarded. I'm going to stay realistic and keep in mind that I am still at the very beginning of my reboot and this is when the addiction gets sneaky. But I am gradually gaining more control over it as well as regaining interest in doing other things instead of PMO.

I've also started to become less physically triggered by the women I see too. I'm still attracted when I see a good looking woman but my mind doesn't slip into pornographic thoughts with them as much. I still catch myself checking them out from time to time which I'm not sure is something that does go away or not. But the immediate sexual thoughts are starting to go away. I'm noticing less of an interest in sex in general but I don't know if that is results or just where my mindstate is. I don't want to say its results because it is only week two. I'm hoping I might be heading towards a flatline. I would like to ride that out for at least part of this 90 days. But we will see what happens I guess.

I'm aiming for tomorrow to be an even better day. I've been working on setting myself up for as much success as I can and that's led me to fix a lot of the mental and internet-based sources of triggers and exposures. It was a little messy at first but I figured I had to break a few eggs to make an omelet. The goal for tomorrow and every day here forward is to be completely free of triggering situations and all accidental and unintentional exposures. I know those things can tend to pop up when you least expect them but I want to do this reboot right and generally just have a PMO free life.

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Re: Re-Rebooting
« Reply #20 on: October 09, 2019, 09:55:52 PM »
Today I accomplished exactly what I wanted to do. No triggers or exposures. I feel pretty good about that. I also not feel much of the urge right now either. Let's hope things keep going this way. I don't really have much to write about since everything is pretty copesettic. I'm looking to repeat the same thing tomorrow.

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Re: Re-Rebooting
« Reply #21 on: October 10, 2019, 02:34:43 PM »
Something strange happened to me today. I got triggered when I was looking at memes (I'm going to avoid that site from now on) and as usual, I got aroused and (TRIGGER WARNING) started to think about the physical sensations of sex as what usually happens. So far I've had luck just treating it like a thought when you are meditating and just letting it go. But this time it kept building and I just had an O, hands-free. I'm absolutely bewildered as that has never happened to me before. So far the chaser effect is leaving me alone and I fully intend to return to my efforts of hard mode. I guess I'll reset? so 90 days would be 2 weeks after new years. I'm going to shrug it off and not let the annoyance/disappointment get to me but needless to say, I am thoroughly confused. I hope this was just a weird situation akin to something like a wet-dream. I also find it mildly funny because I could have easily been in public. Hopefully, this never happens again.