Author Topic: I will Never Give Up  (Read 270 times)

The90daywar

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I will Never Give Up
« on: August 23, 2019, 02:27:40 PM »
So I have been working on my PMO problem for many years. The last 3 years I have been working hard at it. I have failed many times and felt very upset with myself that I couldn’t ever make it past 6 weeks clean. I have been journaling privately and looked back on the past 3 years. I had to find something positive and I did. I went form PMO every 7 days up to 10 days and now its weeks at a time. Also the type of porn.

Something that is very shocking to me is the type of porn I used to PMO to. Looking back just 10 years the porn on the Tube sites has gotten much more sick. Porn has rapidly changed. If a person that never got into this stuff saw the front page of a tube site they would be utterly repulsed by 90% of the clips. The more I stay away from it the more I realize I hate that type of degrading porn. I feel so sad for the kids of this generation being exposed to this stuff. I feel sad for the women who are being degraded and used in this way.
The less I PMO the more I am seeing changes in myself. Less anxiety, more sleep and when I do relapse I get right back on the wagon. I don’t go to Tube sites anymore. My conscience bothers me way more when I do relapse and that’s a good thing. I have two people in my congregation that I have confided in and I have told them I will reach out to them each time I relapse. This has been a huge help along with prayer and bible study. With Open DNS I have blocked all porn, search engines and YouTube. I know I can get around this but I don’t want to. I feel so good when I don’t PMO. I feel so rotten after I do. I am getting older now and I want to be happy and loving to my wife in the last years of life on this earth. I want to have a clean conscience and feel good every day. I feel great today and have been doing good for the last 4 months. I feel that I am on the verge of really kicking this disgusting habit. I will never give up.  I will keep making progress day by day, week by week, month by month. In my case I will never be “cured” but that’s ok as long as I am not a slave to PMO. I hate PMO.

jixu

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Re: I will Never Give Up
« Reply #1 on: August 23, 2019, 06:34:07 PM »
The fact that you told two people augurs well for your success and is a strong indication of your resolve and determination to engage in this battle.  Congratulations on making this new commitment. No more feelings of hypocrisy, no more worries or fear of "being found out."  The clear and clean conscience is on the way.  It is in the past now.  He is merciful brother-keep going!

The90daywar

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Re: I will Never Give Up
« Reply #2 on: August 28, 2019, 03:07:10 AM »
What is porn? My thoughts about this are changing. If something I watch causes sexual desires then is that porn for me? Even if it is bikini stuff. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

Free-man

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Re: I will Never Give Up
« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2019, 04:15:17 AM »
Good question man,
I think that arousal images or porn substitues like bikini, lencery, beauty, fashion magazine covers, adverts, all that stuff could trigger to someone who is struggling with porn addiction. We have to stay away from that stuff or avoid it as much as possible. Time will cure.

Iloveicecream

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Re: I will Never Give Up
« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2019, 05:29:57 AM »
any artificifial Stimulation can cause addiction.I am pornfree for a Long time now....because porn is getting boring....it is Always the same....in out....in out...I think the whole Point of us here should be to get more out in the real world instead of wanking in front of a Computer....so let us be strong everyone...

The90daywar

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Re: I will Never Give Up
« Reply #5 on: August 30, 2019, 01:04:18 AM »
So no PMO (porn, masturbation, organism) mean anything that triggers that behavior. I am fooling myself thinking that YouTube vids that are not “porn” but stimulate me to to point of Mo are ok. Because for me after doing that I feel ashamed and  like I am cheating. Also I want to go back to hardcore porn. However There is a part of me that is sad to loose that too. I mean very sad like I am loosing a dear friend.

Iloveicecream

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Re: I will Never Give Up
« Reply #6 on: August 30, 2019, 01:45:09 AM »
I realized that any artificial Stimulation is not good....best to act out in the real world

BigMog

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Re: I will Never Give Up
« Reply #7 on: August 30, 2019, 02:53:53 AM »
So no PMO (porn, masturbation, organism) mean anything that triggers that behavior. I am fooling myself thinking that YouTube vids that are not “porn” but stimulate me to to point of Mo are ok. Because for me after doing that I feel ashamed and  like I am cheating. Also I want to go back to hardcore porn. However There is a part of me that is sad to loose that too. I mean very sad like I am loosing a dear friend.

Yes, same for me, I found I was using the softcore YouTube videos for MO or as a gateway or as part of the slippery slope to accessing real porn and then having a relapse. As for the sadness at losing it, yes and I also felt anger and resentment that I was no longer going to have this fix or perhaps even a sex-life at all!
I still have a long  way to go and still have had relapses but I’ve cut out YouTube and any unfruitful random browsing that may lead to a slip and I also try to fill my life with other good activities especially those with a social aspect.
I’m sure you know really that the “dear friend” is actually just a parasite trying to suck the life out of you!
Stay strong 90daywar, after reading the rest of your posts, I’m sure you are on the right track!

bob

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Re: I will Never Give Up
« Reply #8 on: August 30, 2019, 08:44:42 AM »
SAA has literature that talks about the description of our compulsion in terms of a bubble.

"Being hit with the obsession to act out is like being engulfed in the bubble. We are powerless and carried away by the all-encompassing power of our compulsions. In the grip of our addiction, we see the outside world through a  transparent wall, but we can't communicate with it realistically because the wall cuts us off."

I know when I am in that state, I can't think of anything else. Life in the bubble sucks!

Free-man

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Re: I will Never Give Up
« Reply #9 on: August 31, 2019, 05:55:31 AM »
Yep, I'm agree with that