Author Topic: I’m doing this for my family. I have a question.  (Read 299 times)

TJ161

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I’m doing this for my family. I have a question.
« on: August 20, 2019, 07:35:01 AM »
I’m a 52 year old guy who is married with three great kids, and a loving wife. Ive been looking at porn since i was 14...and since high speed became avaialable ive been viewing porn online. Today, I’m a porn addict. It would be a rare day without PMO. Two weeks ago i was reading about porn induced erectile dysfunction (PIED) and realized I have it. I’m now motivated to stop. I have been PM free for 14 days now.

I worry for my kids. I pray that they never struggle with this like i have. This addiction has reaked havoc on me - privately. I have PIED, and constantly undress younger women in my mind when i see them in public. I’m a man of faith, but my faith has not helped me because up until 14 days ago, deep down, i didnt really want to quit.

i’ve had sex with my wife a few times during my 14 days of no PM. I’m hoping that i can recover from this addiction while still having sex with my wife. She doesn’t know about my addiction and it would devastate her to know. It would be tough for me to explain to her that i dont want to have sex because im trying to get over this addiction. Thoughts?

Free-man

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Re: I’m doing this for my family. I have a question.
« Reply #1 on: August 20, 2019, 10:38:03 AM »
Hi TJ
You've got our support, stay strong and go ahead to quit this shit that has ruined our lives.
Read everything you can, it will help you.

Thoughts?
- Erase all P from your computer and put a K9 or parental control for yourself to control any disturbing image triggers you
- Think in the moments of time that P calls you (when you stay alone at home, …) because all that time you wasted viewing it you're going to replace doing another things: change bad habits for good habits, try to stay away from your mobile phone and computer, go out and take a walk with your family, go to cinema, or plan things to do together.
About if talk about this problem with your wife…you can try to start to quit for yourself, if you can't it's better talk with your wife, she will support you and try that she understand the problem.

Keep strong


bob

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Re: I’m doing this for my family. I have a question.
« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2019, 08:57:12 PM »
I agree with Free man,

I personally have yet to put blockers on my computer. I did look into it recently and k9 is now a paid application. I did see that someone recommended ColdTurkey and that looked interesting.

Another thing i would consider is talking to someone. I have been at this for over 5 years and I haven't completely gotten a handle on it. Recently I started attending a 12 step program. Still trying to figure it all out but remember, this addiction/compulsion feeds on shame and isolation. As hard as it is, you need to get it out in the light.

I would also recommend letting your wife know. In all honesty, I suspect she knows something is going on. If it is hidden, it could devastate her further.

Just a few thoughts. Take them or leave them but don't ever give up on this thing.

Not sure if that is the best but that part of the compulsion hasn't  but I did re but

TJ161

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Re: I’m doing this for my family. I have a question.
« Reply #3 on: August 23, 2019, 01:07:08 AM »
Thanks guys. I appreciate the support. I'm now 16 days PMO free. Here's my experience so far:
- On day 1 I didn't really want to quit. But I realized that my PIED was affecting sex with my wife...so I used sheer willpower to get through the first three days.
- By the end of 7 days (I can't remember the last time I went that long) I actually wanted to quit. I was starting to feel like I could carry this streak on longer
- by end of 7 days I also started catching myself when I was in public and took extended looks at attractive girls. That is, I realized that I was doing this. I've been doing it habitually for a long time...and never really thought about it because I enjoyed what I was looking at.
- by end of 14 days I'm not taking that second look at attractive girls. This is a very hard thing to avoid. But I now realize that my porn addiction has fed my habit of looking at girls in public, and looking at girls in public has likewise fed my porn addiction. What a crazy downward spiral.
- I have come to realize that avoiding porn is only part of my battle. I thought it was my entire battle. Not so. I'm now recognizing that my thought life is also contributing to my sexual dysfunction. I'm not watching porn, but I'm still tempted to masturbate - a desire driven by my looking at girls regularly. Fortunately I've avoided masturbation as well as looking at porn. Even if I never looked at porn again, I think I could still have a problem by simply looking at girls and fantasizing about them. So, I have to be vigilant about what I look at and what I think about.
- Example: I think a lot about one of my daughter's friend's. She an attractive girl, almost 20 years old. I know I sound like a pervert. I'm not. I think I'm pretty normal....but I've allowed my mind to wander.
- So, I will continue to focus on thinking about things that are right and good...and avoiding the crap that leads to temptation to act out. It's a mental battle.

bob

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Re: I’m doing this for my family. I have a question.
« Reply #4 on: August 23, 2019, 02:41:07 PM »
TJ, I think you are doing a great job moving forward. And hey, it's difficult! We all have been doing this for a very long time.

 
I now realize that my porn addiction has fed my habit of looking at girls in public, and looking at girls in public has likewise fed my porn addiction. What a crazy downward spiral.

It is a crazy downward spiral. Sometimes I think you have to continue to realize that it is your brain screaming to be fed that dopamine and the only way those pathways will relax is to stay vigilant.

I think a lot about one of my daughter's friend's. She an attractive girl, almost 20 years old. I know I sound like a pervert.

I will say it. You are not a pervert. If a women is attractive it is a normal male reaction to response. The choice is how to respond. You see her. She is attractive. Then you move on to something else. That may be looking away but whatever you do, move on.

Let me say it again. It's difficult. I work at a university and classes have started for the fall semester. There are so many attractive females around that if I was ogling, I probably would have a sore neck.

Keep on top of it and realize the 3 second rule does allow you to be human. You see the beauty, you do acknowledge the beauty, but then move on.

Easy to say, harder to do.
« Last Edit: August 24, 2019, 05:50:31 AM by bob »

Lero

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Re: I’m doing this for my family. I have a question.
« Reply #5 on: August 23, 2019, 02:53:44 PM »
I will say it. You are not a pervert. If a women is attractive it is a normal male reaction to response. The choice is how to respond. You see her. She is attractive. Then you move on to something else. That may be looking away but whatever you do, move on.

Let me say it again. It's difficult. I work at a university and classes have started for the fall semester. There are so many attractive females around that if I was ogling, I probably would have a sore neck.

Keep on top of it and realize the 3 second rule does allow you to be human. You see the beauty, you do acknowledge the beauty, but then you then move on.

Easy to say, harder to do.

Awesome advice, Bob. It's the truth.

bob

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Re: I’m doing this for my family. I have a question.
« Reply #6 on: August 24, 2019, 06:10:34 AM »
I remember being in high school and realizing that if I saw a girl in black, high waist slacks, (which is showing my age), I would melt into a puddle of emotions onto the floor. I remember wondering how that reaction would occur? What made my body do that? How could I have that intense of a feeling from just looking at the female form?

I now know that was part of brain chemistry. It its most primal reaction, my brain was reacting to what it thought was a possible mate. Someone who could bare my children and carry on my DNA.

At that point in my life, it took little to create those feelings. As I remember, my hormones weren't really on my side. Working to guiding me forward with a mature, objective reaction. Most of the time, they seem to make me stupid.

Ahhh, youth.

battery1979

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Re: I’m doing this for my family. I have a question.
« Reply #7 on: September 05, 2019, 03:24:44 PM »
Read Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes, if you haven't read it yet. Also try reading Breaking the Cycle by George N. Collins, and Treating Pornography Addiction by Kevin B. Skinner.
I have found that keeping the following two questions firmly in place have helped me through the past 56 days.
First thoughts wrong.
What else? What else can I do now.


workinprogressUK

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Re: I’m doing this for my family. I have a question.
« Reply #8 on: September 06, 2019, 07:09:18 AM »
Telling your wife / Not telling your wife is a MAJOR decision. Don't take it lightly. If you don't tell her and she finds out you've been mainlining P for years and lying to her = world of shit. If you tell her and she judges that you've been mainlining P for years and lying to her = world of shit, but probably shallower. Could be that she doesn't react that way, though, especially if you're brave enough to tell her. You know better than any of us how your relationship works best. Good luck!

battery1979

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Re: I’m doing this for my family. I have a question.
« Reply #9 on: September 06, 2019, 07:39:58 AM »
Telling your wife / Not telling your wife is a MAJOR decision. Don't take it lightly. If you don't tell her and she finds out you've been mainlining P for years and lying to her = world of shit. If you tell her and she judges that you've been mainlining P for years and lying to her = world of shit, but probably shallower. Could be that she doesn't react that way, though, especially if you're brave enough to tell her. You know better than any of us how your relationship works best. Good luck!

TBH, she probably already suspects something.

bob

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Re: I’m doing this for my family. I have a question.
« Reply #10 on: September 07, 2019, 01:36:52 PM »
Battery, Workinprogress, I couldn't agree more. These guys comments are spot on TJ.

We are with you. good luck.