Author Topic: PIED, HOCD, trying this again years later  (Read 200 times)

GooseTrader

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PIED, HOCD, trying this again years later
« on: March 23, 2019, 05:59:42 AM »
I started a journal here years ago, but didn't make it past 30 days and I'm back.

I started watching porn and masturbating when I was around 12, and I'm 29 now. I was not monitored very well by my parents, and that PMO quickly escalated to transsexual and even gay porn before I finished high school. My sexual experiences in high school and college were very traumatic. I was always decent looking and somewhat charismatic, so I didn't have much problem getting girls. However, I was not able to get it up for intercourse for a SINGLE one until I did my first 30 day reboot. I went on a spring break trip with some friends when I was 21, lost my virginity on that trip(it didn't take but about 30 seconds LOL). Afterwards, I still struggled with PIED with a few more girls, until finally I was able to do it with this one girl I really liked(who is now my wife). Of the 15-20 girls I ever had sexual interactions with, I was only able to get it up for 3 of them. The emotional pain from not being able to get it up was very scarring and something that still affects me to this day, even though I'm happily married.

Of course I dealt with the HOCD as well, which led me to having a homosexual experience when I was in college at 19 years old. It was awful, and I knew I wasn't gay, but I still liked the escalated porn. I live in a very conservative area, and I spent my remaining years in that town terrified that my friends were going to find out. Some people did, and questioned whether I was gay or not, but I vehemently denied everything, and that stress led me to rely on marijuana heavily through those years.

Fast forward to 2019, I'm 29 years old and ready to beat this thing for good. My PIED isn't near what it was back then(because I went from masturbating 3x+ per day to maybe 3 times per week), but the addiction is still there. My wife knows about all of this, but we are finally at a breaking point and this is something that I have to do not only for her but for myself.

I'm currently on Day 8, and wanted to join the forum for extra accountability. I KNOW that when I PMO less I have more motivation, energy, and charisma. I just have to fucking STOP and I never want to go back.

all_in_now

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Re: PIED, HOCD, trying this again years later
« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2019, 06:59:43 PM »
Hey GooseTrader,

Good thing you're on this forum and tackling this issue. You have to stop now, there's no better time. Yeah, you don't want to lose your wife, porn is not worth this.

I treat my porn addiction like a heroin addiction. If I go back, I know I'll eventually die on the inside due to escalation and inability to connect with the woman I love. Seriously, PIED will kill you, spiritually or even literally. I've seen too many people (including myself) express suicidal thoughts due to this condition. I stopped because I value my life far more than some stupid  kick.

Best of luck to you, keep fighting the good fight.

Rebooter526

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Re: PIED, HOCD, trying this again years later
« Reply #2 on: September 30, 2019, 07:12:51 PM »
Goosetrader, I can relate to pretty much everything you wrote. I am still a virgin, however, and it's been several years since I even tried to have sex with a woman. I relapsed for the first time in about 8 months. I was writing everyday and trying to pin down my triggers. One that has not left me is HOCD. After my first failure at sex I was asked point blank if I was gay. I was 20 years old and Im not sure that I have ever recovered from that. I've always been attracted to women. I find myself getting very tense and uncomfortable around good looking guys and especially when there's a gay guy around--or whenever 'gaydar' goes off. I think all this time I was going no PMO and dating women the likelihood of trying again became more realistic and it scared the hell out of me. If I failed again with a woman, I just don't know where to go.